<p>I know this is really late could anyone please look over my UC personal statement? I really need help. I've already got advice from other people but I feel like it's biased, since they are my friends and teachers so they already know how I write. I want a fresh pair of eyes to read it. Thank you!
Heres the link to the google docs:
<a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rZBLmVLLf49Z1jLv88BwdiWUw25SraUHTTELvhQvgmo/edit%5B/url%5D">https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rZBLmVLLf49Z1jLv88BwdiWUw25SraUHTTELvhQvgmo/edit</a></p>
<p>I took a quick glance at your first essay (I didn’t have time to look over your second). Let me know if you need clarification or further help. Best of luck. :)</p>
<p>Thank you so much for taking the time to read my essay! So do you suggest that I keep shorten the anecdote at the beginning? And when you say “Let them know right off the bat where your essay is heading” do you mean I should write a topic sentence saying directly “listening to my peers allowed me to be open minded” or something like that at the end of my first paragraph?</p>
<p>You write too much of a narrative style. You definitely need to reflect more upon you as a person.</p>
<p>My english teacher told me to start it off in a narrative style and to begin with an anecdote to catch the reader’s attention. Now I’m not so sure if that was a good idea…I just don’t want to bore the reader.</p>
<p>would someone mind looking over my personal statments? I am in the same boad and moofinpoofin … I just need somebody who doesn’t know me to look them over. Please, anybody?</p>
<p>Your anecdote is good and I would only shorten it a tad. Your intro should look something like this: an attention getter, a few sentences connecting your attention getter to your essay and just generally setting up your essay, and then a thesis. For you, having a thesis is really important. It will tell your reader where you are heading. Your body paragraphs are where I would put your anecdote. Use the beginning of your body paragraph to set up your anecdote.</p>
<p>Ask yourself Whether It described you or not</p>
<p>I submitted it already at like 11:57 pm haha. Good thing the server didn’t crash :)</p>
<p>How can I make my Personal Statement better??
prompt #1
Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
(I fear I may went off-topic)</p>
<p>If living on the streets has taught my family an I anything, it is that education is essential in becoming a success. Looking back on my life, my rough life molded me into the man I am now, same goes for my parents. Back in Egypt, my parents had a great life; my mother taught as a biology professor and my father was a small businessman. Both had been fighting immigration for over seven years in order maintain their lives in America, specifically California. Before my family was stable enough to afford an apartment, we lived in my uncle’s house. However, prior to his generosity, we were living on the streets. This occurred during my infancy, and when I was mostly unaware. As I got older and was able to comprehend what happened in my early stages of life, I made a vow to myself which still drives me forward. If evolving into a college graduate eradicates my family’s suffering and poverty, then this would be the most vigorous challenge I have yet to confront. This is not for me; this is for my future family and my parents in order to have the life they deserve in America.
One of the reasons why being accepted into a university is a necessity for achieving my ambition is due to the fact that I am deprived of financial responsibility. Personally, this is not a want but a need. Parents are too lenient on their children these days and many teenagers are not as mature upon high school graduation as they used to be. Many high school graduates never had the experience of working, paying a bill, or learning anything about personal finance. In my case, my parents over overwhelmed of the fact that if I have job, it will inevitably interfere with my academics, resulting in me acquiring an F. College is a sensible way of easing into the real world.
Until my junior year, I realized that receiving college education is not just about finding a good job. I have always thought that a more important benefit of education is that it should teach you how to think gravely. In a democratic society similar to the one we live in, we cannot be ignorant and survive. If we are ignorant, then we are subject to exploitation and manipulation. Yes, education can open doors for me that might not otherwise have opened. However, learning how to think is equally important if you are to sustain yourself in a democratic and global society. Enhancing my ingenuity and critical thinking is the least thing I may give to my parents, considering they suffered for more than seven years over immigration, and spent countless nights working menial jobs like Arco, just to afford an immigration lawyer. I have done exceptionally well in all of the rigorous classes Artesia has provided me, and will not abandon my goals of becoming a college graduate. </p>
<p>Word count: 495</p>
<p>@Minada14.
Well, you can start with proper grammar. Also, you focused to much on others, not on yourself. I know it’s too late, but you should have focused on how your life was affected by your surroundings, not how your surroundings have affected you. So in other words, you should have focused on yourself, because you’re the one applying, not your family :p.
All together, your essay is pretty ****ty :p. Sorry.</p>