UC personal statment please please help

College Essays
1

<p>Finally finish it..... can you please read it and tell me if its good?
Thanks...</p>

<p>Throughout my life, there are three things that keep me going, motivation, inspiration and aspiration. “Study hard, so you won’t end up like me.” This is what my parents always say to me. It is my motivation; by knowing that I will have a tough life if I don’t succeed makes me push myself harder. My inspiration comes from within; deep inside I want to make a difference in the world. My family and the world I come from helped shape my aspiration, knowing that they are here to support me, experiencing the two different worlds I lived in and living in, aspires me to pursue my dream.
At a young age, I realized how hard life is. My mom was forced to work in a different city to provide a living and to ensure I get an education. Even though my mother graduated from a decent college in China, gender discrimination kept her out of jobs in her field. Her hardship aspired me, I was eager to go to school and try to be the best student. Despite that my parents aren't there to support me, my relatives have always been there, helping me get through obstacles I faced.
My parents said my life is easier living in America, better education system, and better living conditions. I did see the positive side, but I focused more on the negative. It was frustrating because my family is in the military, we often stay in a place no longer than two years, then it’s time to move to a new place. As result, I was very shy, my English is poor, and I have no friends. My parents, whom I never lived with before, were like stranger to me. I felt useless and hopeless because I don’t understand school work and sometimes, there’s no one to help me. It was challenging but motivating, because I didn’t want to stay this way, I want to be educated, I want a better future. At the same time, being independent made me feel lost, I have no clue on how to achieve my dream but to overcome the challenges I’m facing now, and to stay strong, hoping that I could find my way to my future.
As I grew older, I realized it was me not letting my parents to help me. For so long, I've been blaming them for not caring and ignoring them when they try to reach out to me. I didn't see my mother struggling learning English, my father struggling with bankruptcy and severe headaches that can't be cured. Still, my parents are providing me whatever they can for me to go to college. But I know I’m the one who need to do whatever it takes to go to college, to make my dream come true.
The world I come from taught me to never give up my education and dreams; it is the only way to fight off poverty. My family taught me to face the difficulties and always challenge myself, their life experiences makes me strong, their support makes me ambitious. My dream is to become a pharmacist, and I won’t let anyone or anything keep me from achieving it.</p>

2

<p>i separated the my paragraphs so its easier to read</p>

<p>Throughout my life, there are three things that keep me going, motivation, inspiration and aspiration. “Study hard, so you won’t end up like me.” This is what my parents always say to me. It is my motivation; by knowing that I will have a tough life if I don’t succeed makes me push myself harder. My inspiration comes from within; deep inside I want to make a difference in the world. My family and the world I come from helped shape my aspiration, knowing that they are here to support me, experiencing the two different worlds I lived in and living in, aspires me to pursue my dream.</p>

<p>At a young age, I realized how hard life is. My mom was forced to work in a different city to provide a living and to ensure I get an education. Even though my mother graduated from a decent college in China, gender discrimination kept her out of jobs in her field. Her hardship aspired me, I was eager to go to school and try to be the best student. Despite that my parents aren’t there to support me, my relatives have always been there, helping me get through obstacles I faced.</p>

<p>My parents said my life is easier living in America, better education system, and better living conditions. I did see the positive side, but I focused more on the negative. It was frustrating because my family is in the military, we often stay in a place no longer than two years, then it’s time to move to a new place. As result, I was very shy, my English is poor, and I have no friends. My parents, whom I never lived with before, were like stranger to me. I felt useless and hopeless because I don’t understand school work and sometimes, there’s no one to help me. It was challenging but motivating, because I didn’t want to stay this way, I want to be educated, I want a better future. At the same time, being independent made me feel lost, I have no clue on how to achieve my dream but to overcome the challenges I’m facing now, and to stay strong, hoping that I could find my way to my future.</p>

<p>As I grew older, I realized it was me not letting my parents to help me. For so long, I’ve been blaming them for not caring and ignoring them when they try to reach out to me. I didn’t see my mother struggling learning English, my father struggling with bankruptcy and severe headaches that can’t be cured. Still, my parents are providing me whatever they can for me to go to college. But I know I’m the one who need to do whatever it takes to go to college, to make my dream come true.</p>

<p>The world I come from taught me to never give up my education and dreams; it is the only way to fight off poverty. My family taught me to face the difficulties and always challenge myself, their life experiences makes me strong, their support makes me ambitious. My dream is to become a pharmacist, and I won’t let anyone or anything keep me from achieving it.</p>

3

<p>This is terrible. It’s incredibly negative and says a lot of bad things about you, “Study hard, so you won’t end up like me.” , " I was very shy, my English is poor, and I have no friends" etc. You need to scrap just about everything and work on talking about your BEST qualities and accomplishments.</p>

4

<p>…i was…</p>

<p>im just trying to honest…is that a bad thing?</p>

5

<p>What is being honest?</p>

<p>ex. I had to work with these two slimbag clients that constantly tried low-balling me, eventually we got into an argument over who owned who money and which parts belong to which person. </p>

<p>Do you know what I am going to write in my personal statement? </p>

<p>Managing inventory taught me how important accounting is…</p>

<p>Instead of focusing on the negative, I talk about the positive. You have to choose the best honesty.</p>

6

<p>I agree with bomerr. Also I think you sound too dramatic in this essay.
“I did see the positive side, but I focused more on the negative.” - every confusing, you’re supposed to look at the brighter side.
"Even though my mother graduated from a decent college in China, gender discrimination kept her out of jobs in her field. " - not sure if it’s true, time has changed you know.</p>

<p>Probably thousands of students write about family struggles/conflicts/hardship each year. The thing is - you should let the adcom know what kind of person YOU are and what makes you UNIQUE. But I don’t see those qualities in your essay. I can tell you want to go to university desperately to change your life but writing essay like this won’t help. The adcom won’t let you in just because they know what hardship you’ve suffered. Why not focus on a specific challenge you’ve faced, how did you deal with it and how did it shape your identity?
I’m sure you can do better. Best of luck.</p>