UC Personal Statments

<p>Can anyone help me by proofreading my essays? any feedback would be great. Thanks.</p>

<p>PROMPT 1: (What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.)</p>

<p>After graduating high school, unlike most of my friends, I did not have an idea or a plan for what to do with myself. I decided to attend the local community college to figure out what to do. I spent the first year and a half taking classes only to satisfy my general education. I took classes on psychology, music, and some just for fun like dance and music. I enjoyed my time taking these classes, I met great people and I learned a lot, but I still did not find myself wanting to pursue a career in any of those fields. I began to invest more time with friends and working full-time rather than focusing on my grades. My parents have always wanted the best for me and to try my best at everything. One day my father wanted to talk to me about how community college is going. I told him that everything is fine and that I am doing well. He did not believe me and for good reasons. I rarely had my books with me and I skipped class often. My father and I talked for hours about the importance of education and how he wanted me to further my education so I would not have to live struggling, pay check to pay check as my family has done for most of my life. I will never forget that night, I never realized that my parents noticed my lack of interest in my education, and I felt like a complete failure in my parents eyes. That was when I decided to change my major to biology.
At this point, I only wanted to make my parents happy, I was not interested in biology at all. My first semester as a biology student was a real eye opener. Chemistry and biology were difficult and I felt like I was two steps behind everyone. The only thing that kept me going was my parents and how I wanted to show them that I will be successful when I finish my education. I worked very hard on all my classes. I worked less at my job and traded my weekends with my friends for weekends with my books. My interest in science grew little by little as I started to understand the concepts more. I started to love biology and understanding life at a cellular level. Knowing how the human body functions made me interested in possibly pursuing a career in medicine. I began to talk to my professors more and I developed good relationships with all of them. I volunteered with my college’s Earth Day celebration and with the Stanislaus River Salmon Festival. I started to become more involved in the community and I joined a non-profit organization called STAMP or the Stanislaus Tutoring and Mentoring Program. With STAMP I volunteered to tutor at high schools and helped the students with the subjects that they were in danger in failing in like math and science.
I feel like my first year as a biology student has helped me grow up a lot. I am much more responsible with my time and learned that hard work really pays off. My parents see how hard I work on my classes and I feel that I am making them proud with the direction that I am pursuing. </p>

<p>PROMPT 2: (Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?)</p>

<p>For most of my life I have enjoyed the sport of boxing. I find it very impressive for a person to have such strength, speed, and endurance to be a professional boxer. I saw boxing more of a performance sport than a fighting one. It is like watching two athletes showcase their skills and judges would choose which athlete was the best. To me, boxing is an art rather than a barbaric fighting sport. I never realized how much work went in to being a boxer until I started taking boxing classes. Through boxing I became a better person and I learned to respect myself and to always try to better myself every day.
When I found out about a boxing gym close to my home I thought it would be a good idea to join to get myself in good physical shape and learn more about the sport that I love so much. I was caught by surprised when I found out that the training that boxers undergo was harder than anything I have ever had to do. Every day I would end my training drenched in sweat and barely able to walk. Sparring with others often ended up with them out-boxing me because of my lack of stamina. I recognized that to become fit, I had to eat healthy as well. Cutting out the junk in my diet was almost like removing weights from my ankles. I felt myself getting faster and being able to box longer. My coach was a good man and he pushed me to be better as a boxer and as an individual. He worked with me individually as he did with everyone else. Slowly but surely I noticed that I was no longer lagging during the workouts and the sparring sessions. I gained respect from my boxing peers and we would exchange boxing tips and helped each other to better our skills.
Boxing has given me life lessons like taking care of myself. I eat healthier now than I did before I joined my boxing gym. I have become confident in defending myself and to respect others by treating them as I would treat myself. Boxing taught me that pushing yourself to be better will allow you to reach heights that you never knew could be achieved. I started to improve my performance in all aspects in my life. I got a promotion at my job and I am currently a manager and McDonald's to help pay for school, and I do believe that the philosophy that boxing has taught me helped me achieve my promotion. My academics also improved because I pushed myself to try my hardest and my grades reflected that. Boxing continues to be a part of my life and I still use the lessons learned to better myself as a person.</p>

<p>The first paragraphs of both paragraphs need to go completely. They are not good openers and water down your essays. </p>

<p>The first prompt needs a lot of work because the impression that I get from reading is that you really dont know what you want in life or biology. Say you statement with conviction like, “My major is Biology because A, B, and C,”</p>

<p>Your second essay is interesting. I like your approach that boxing has given you the determination and discipline to work in stressful environments. I think you should highlight your accomplishment of becoming a manager more. I’m curious why you have to work? What lessons did you learn as a manager? What other aspects of your life did boxing help you to improve?</p>

<p>Try and revise your introductions for both of the essays. You need a good hook that will pull whoever is reading in and make them want to continue reading.</p>

<p>Thanks I kinda wrote this all in a short amount of time so I wanted a strangers perspective of my prompts. I appreciate the feedback.</p>