UC Prompt 2, suggestions/feedback?

College Essays
1

<p>I'm sure this forum gets tons of these a day, so I'll keep it short- any feedback is appreciated, be as harsh as you'd like and give HONEST advice. Not my first draft, certainly not my final. Thanks in advance.</p>

<p>Prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>My Essay(Cities kept anonymous):</p>

<p>Before entering high school, I was convinced that it would be the absolute best time of my life, filled with nothing but fun times with friends and a chance to prove I could get far in my studies, with a loving family to support me all the while. Beginning in October of that year, however, my entire perception of life and school crumbled before me. My stepfather lost his long-term job, and, thanks to a failing economy, lack of a degree to fall back on, and an already unemployed wife, he turned to the bottle. The months of verbal and physical abuse began, my mother and myself his most frequent victims. Eventually my guardians came to their senses and decided to move to [City X, CA], a few hours away, in pursuit of employment, leaving me crushed, after having only just settled into everyday life after the previous move, less than a year before. I was about to lose my friends, my family, and my faith, implications that left me questioning what purpose I even had in living- would anyone even care if I were gone? Was I simply an insignificant being destined to suffer through the experiments of some malicious deity? Days before the dreaded move, my grandparents stepped in and allowed me to stay with them for the rest of the school year, a chance that I am still extremely grateful to have been given to this day, with the hopes of someday being able to somehow repay them for their kindness and understanding in my time of lost hope. Despite being offered transportation from my new home in [New City] to [School city, 40 mins away] for school every day, twice a day, for the rest of the year, something which I knew would be absolutely crippling to my already financially troubled grandparents, I chose not to abuse their love and took up a job after classes as a mechanic’s assistant to pay for bus fare and groceries as often as I could in an attempt to reciprocate the sacrifices they were making for me, a decision for which I now take great pride in. Though the days were long and the work difficult, I somehow managed to juggle school, work, sports, and friendships; I was finally happy and at peace with the circumstances that I was put through, even when I knew my days with the best friends I had ever had were quickly coming to an end and that I would soon have to face the difficulties of switching schools yet again, the very thing which I had fought so hard to avoid. Although I did not earn the very best grades I may have otherwise received, nor live in the most adverse conditions, I know for sure that those six months spent living with my grandparents were among the most crucial in my life thus far, for they have taught me the meaning of determination and showing kindness to others when they need it most, qualities which I believe are not shown frequently enough in the world today, qualities which I strive to show to others in everything I do.</p>

2

<p>It’s not the worst I’ve seen but it’s not very good either. </p>

<p>1st and foremost this sounds like a response to UC prompt 1 for freshmans.</p>

<p>2nd it doesn’t sound very thoughtful; more like a ramble. </p>

<p>The UC prompts aren’t supposed be an autobiography where you just talk about something important in your life. This is a college application. Your response needs to be tailored to getting into university first and foremost. To this end the prompt asks the following “. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?” You need to focus more on personal development. What is point of the story, what aspects are important to share, how did you change or grow, etc.</p>

3

<p>Some quick tips…</p>

<ol>
<li><p>You have some run on sentences. I’d fix those. Also I’d split the essay into paragraphs. </p></li>
<li><p>Your phrasing “turned to the bottle” is not appropriate for the tone of the essay, imo. Just say that he was drinking a lot of [whatever he drank]. No need to get cute. </p></li>
<li><p>You seem to get a bit overdramatic towards the middle (“would anyone even care if I were gone? Was I simply an insignificant being…”). If that’s actually how it was, then treat that part with more seriousness. There isn’t a need to play up the stress of the situation. If it was bad enough, your descriptions should get that point across. </p></li>
<li><p>Show, don’t tell. You tell us what you learned in the last few sentences. Take those sentences out, and ask yourself if the reader would understand what you were trying to convey. Hint: they won’t, so work harder in the meat of your essay to get your main point across. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Overall, this essay is good but can be even better. It seems you went through a lot, you had a mature response, and you learned a few things along the way. That’s all good. Now just work to communicate that better, and you’re golden.</p>

4

<p>^ disagree with number 2. ‘turned to the bottle’ is perfectly fine. But like I said, his dad turning to drinking would work for response 1. The question about the world he comes from. Response 2 needs to be focused around something the OP actually did.</p>

5

<p>We’ll agree to disagree, then. </p>

<p>

This doesn’t seem to be the best way to say it. Not only the “turned to the bottle” part, but the fact that you seem to know what drove him to drinking. It was probably more complicated than how you make it seem; a lot of people go through similar situations without turning to alcohol/drugs. </p>

<p>Here’s how I would write it:
My step-father lost his job of X years, and the failing economy combined with his lack of a college degree made finding new employment nearly impossible. Money was already tight, as my mother had been out of work for Z years. I remember coming home from school one day and seeing my step-dad asleep on the couch next to a half finished bottle of whiskey. I may never know why he turned to alcohol, perhaps he doesn’t even know, but the fact of the matter was that sights like this became all too common in our household. </p>

<p>Yeah. Dang that sounds tough.</p>

6

<p>^ Ya that is prompt 1 right there " Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."</p>

<p>"…my step-father lost his job…without a a college degree, it was impossible to find a job during the height of recession… my mother was also unemployed… turned the bottle for help… "</p>

<p>^ even better and more straight to the point. It’s all artistic expression at that point tho.</p>

<p>More importantly, the problem is. I was watching a video given by the UC application folks. They talked about an essay with a girl who was soo poor she had to eat toliet paper for food. These people have basically heard it all. So a sorry about a drunken father - while bad - isn’t anything shocking to them. The most important part of these stories is how you overcame your struggles. FYI they ended up rejecting that girl because her transcript was “riddled with Ds and Fs.” </p>

<p>This quote by the OP sums it all “Although I did not earn the very best grades I may have otherwise received, nor live in the most adverse conditions, I know for sure that those six months spent living with my grandparents were among the most crucial in my life thus far,” basically his story doesn’t matter.</p>

7

<p>Yeah prompt 1 definitely.</p>