UCLA Personal Statement Prompt 1

<p>I currently reside in the UK. This isn't the finished version. I'm the class of 2018 but I'm just starting early because 'better early than late' I guess. I will continue to change this up until it's seems provoking to me. Can you guys rate this and my chance of being admitted if I proposed this to the UCLA admissions. </p>

<p>UCLA Personal Statement
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Family. This is more than just a word, it represents a form of life, a way of living, a solution to your problems. Family. This is important to me because it drives me to achieve my aspirations in life, and pass through them aspirations to bigger and better things. I was born in a place where there was little to no economy and most likely still is, however, my grandmother and grandfather manage to survive some way in these conditions and also through my mother and her 2 sisters' aid, my grandfather who used to be one of the managers for the Old Mutual Bank in Zimbabwe, had come from an ambitious background as his brother was a pilot, this makes it ambitious because where I come from because these jobs aren't common to people to have. In total, my grandmother had 7 children, 3 of whom passed away, I had only found out about this, the first time visiting Zimbabwe- which was in 2010, since I had left and moved to the UK when I was 3, I had only known about one of them passing away as I used to see him regularly because he lived in England, other than that my grandmother had, concealed her feelings about these tragedies. However, this happening had in a way influenced me because, you'd think a mother of 7 who'd lost 3 of her children would be more despondent, but she is the exact opposite, she is always adding jokes into the conversations and never misses a chance to put a smile on my face. My grandfather is the exact same, this makes them to me the perfect forever, as they have chemistry together, not the bad kind of mixing phosphorus and oxygen, but rather a beneficial mixing for life itself hydrogen and oxygen- which makes water and love each other no matter what. My mother, (not to sound cliché) is a strong, hard working woman. Most people would say they want to grow up to be their mother or fill in the mother's shoes, but I'd rather say, I want to be better than my mum (this is in a good way, of course!). She is what influences me pursue a career in the medical profession, as I have first handily seen her deal with patients with dementia, mental and/or health problems and just the elderly and through this I've just been fascinated how much she can be committed to her long houred, hard jobs but still however provide us with the love and care I and my siblings rightfully need. I was always interested as a little child, in helping people and having a greater impact of society, as children would have, I've had many aspirations such as an actor, singer, model and lawyer. But through seeing my mother care for individuals who were less able thus having an impact on society, I had my heart set on being in the medical profession. </p>

<p>"…these jobs aren’t common FOR people to have…"
elaborate about some points, i don’t know who lived where, your grandparents where are they, etc
don’t keep on repeating “medical profession”</p>

<p>Your life has the elements of a compelling story, but this essay is a mess. We can pick on individual things, like this MASSIVE run-on sentence that knows not when to stop: "I was born in a place where there was little to no economy and most likely still is, however, my grandmother and grandfather manage to survive some way in these conditions and also through my mother and her 2 sisters’ aid, my grandfather who used to be one of the managers for the Old Mutual Bank in Zimbabwe, had come from an ambitious background as his brother was a pilot, this makes it ambitious because where I come from because these jobs aren’t common to people to have. "</p>

<p>That sentence alone would keep you out of UCLA.</p>

<p>But, instead, your essay needs a massive overhaul. Some key points: it must SHOW, not tell (and you do a lot of telling… in a confusing way); it needs to show your transition to wanting to work “in the medical profession;” it needs to be interesting and clear to the reader; it should make the college want you to come there.</p>

<p>OK… </p>

<p>SHOWING: There are several “scenes” in here that could be more cinematic - describe the scene (example below).</p>

<p>TRANSITION: SHOW your own transition from wanting the frivolous to the more meaningful goal of working to help others, based on your family’s example.</p>

<p>INTERESTING AND CLEAR: See suggestions below.</p>

<p>MAKE UCLA WANT YOU: This essay needs to be YOUR story, not your relatives, but within the fabric of your family and background.</p>

<p>So recast this into the following structure:</p>

<p>Paragraph 1: (COLD OPEN, like a TV show or movie, right into action; DESCRIBE THE SCENE)
“I watched my grandmother as dealt with <specific instance=”">. Patiently, she made the most with what she had, and I began to see where my mother’s strength had its roots. Unlike in England, where I now lived, resources here in Zimbabwe were scarce… " (DESCRIBE IN DETAIL… sights, sounds, smells, as much as you can. Drop the reader into the action and have them wonder what is going on and where this is going.)</specific></p>

<p>Paragraph 2: (INTRODUCTION to YOU and where you are and your background story - just enough to fill the reader in)
"I had returned to my place of birth for the first time since I was three years old, meeting relatives and being introduced to their lives and environment… (and then describe what you found and YOUR reaction to it… you are beginning to understand your own ‘shallowness’)</p>

<p>Paragraph 3 (MORE DETAIL INTO YOUR RELATIVES AND WHO THEY ARE, THE LIVES THEY LIVE… THINK CINEMA SCENES to SHOW THAT)</p>

<p>Paragraph 4: (SPECIFIC INSTANCES OF YOUR MOTHER’S WORK AND THE EFFECT THAT THAT, COMBINED WITH THIS TRIP IS HAVING ON YOU - HOW YOU ARE SEEING THINGS MORE CLEARLY AND HOW YOU ARE CHANGING)</p>

<p>Paragraph 5: (DESCRIBING YOU AS NOW A STRONGER, WISER, MORE FOCUSED PERSON, WITH CAREER AMBITIONS)</p>

<p>Last paragraph, a single sentence to wrap it up, like: “I now see that I am the product of my parents and grandparents and the struggles they had to overcome, and my path is now clear before me.”</p>

<p>That essay, done right, would be a winner.</p>