Uhh... parental control issues.

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I don't know if this is the place to post it... but I'm looking for as much insight as I can on this situation that happened two nights ago. I'm currently a freshman in college.</p>

<p>Okay, so earlier in the week, an LGBT org that I'm part of invited me, via facebook, to attend an event called National Coming Out Week. Since I'm in college, my mom usually calls to check up on how I'm doing and stuff, right? Well, what I thought was going to be the usual conversation turned into the situation you're about to read. </p>

<p>So, my mom called, and me expecting it to go like usual, she was like "oh hey what's up?" And I just said that everything was good, things were going okay, etc. She then proceeded to ask me if I was alone. She then got onto me about how I decided to Attend the event on Facebook, and began telling me how I shouldn't be a part of these LGBT groups, because she's so worried about me letting the fact that I'm gay become a central part of my life. I think you understand that that isn't what these groups are for. The purpose of them is to provide support and, in a way, a family for kids who go through situations like this. </p>

<p>Now, it's funny that she says that I shouldn't be part of such groups. My family is part of a Down's Syndrome group because, well, my little sister has Down's and they didn't know what to do when they found out that she had it before she was born. I am totally for them being part of it, because the group is made of people who feel like their child is going to be made fun of later or anything like that. What I don't understand is why me being in an LGBT group for much of the same reasons is so different from them being in their Down's Syndrome support group. As she was telling me this, she talked about how being in these LGBT groups were somehow "bad" for me… she acknowledged the while they mean well, they aren't the sort of people that I need to fall back on. </p>

<p>At this point, I'm sitting here listening to this gibberish. While this goes on, I'm reflecting on everything that they had done to me these last few years, and I remember all the bull they've given me. </p>

<p>See, after I first came out to them three years prior to this, I remember they told me not to tell anyone else, and to let the ones that I did tell know that I was just joking about it. In another situation a year later, I had a crush on this guy, and when my mom decided to snoop through my text messages one day, they decided to ask me what was up with it, and when I didn't want to talk to them about it, that led to the situation becoming violent. More details on this at another time. On top of that, they are the controlling type parents… they never really listened to what I had to say much, so whenever I tried to bring up a point with them, there would be times where our discussions would turn into arguments.</p>

<p>As I'm thinking about the above, I realize how sick and tired I am of them trying to control me. The fact that they are even trying to do so while I'm in college made me realize that I can't just sit here and let them try to tell me how to run my life. It was then that I said "why should it matter that I'm in an LGBT group? I'm here in this big, gigantic city away from that small town I once lived… why should we even care?" My mom then told me how I should have be "acting smart" -- meaning, I shouldn't be going public about it due to family members possibly seeing this information and them possibly shunning me or whatever. Then I sit here and wonder why they're so concerned about what I do in college at all. What I am a part of in college should not be any of their concern…</p>

<p>So I keep trying to tell them this, and they wouldn't budge, with them telling me the same stuff they had been saying. Well, I'm obviously not happy with the fact that they are trying to tell me what I can and cannot be apart of, especially when they are part of a support group that serves the same purpose, but for a different group of people. I told my mother that I had to go, and I said goodbye, at which point I hung up. They called back about 3 or 4 times, and I didn't pick up, because I was so ****ed off with what they were trying to do. My dad then texted me saying that when he and the family came down next weekend, he wanted me to give him my computer and phone to him, as well as possibly looking for a job. Me becoming scared as can be, I called a few other friends, and even got an adult involved because I was so lost. The adult, my best friend's mother, was able to relate to me, but then after awhile, she sent me a Facebook message that was quite similar to what my parents were telling me… </p>

<p>As I was calling another friend, my dad texted a few minutes later saying that he was going to deactivate my phone this upcoming Monday. At this point, I called back, and then this long ass discussion ensued. Basically, they told me the same stuff as above, told me to start going to church more, to read the bible (specifically proverbs), and to not go to these groups, as well as to keep my focus on my studies. Uh… I agree with the keep on my studies, but listen here, I will not be forced to live the way my parents want me to live. That is a bunch of baloney.</p>

<p>After all of this, my parents ended up letting me keep the computer and stuff. But still, this is very nerve wracking to me for this to even have happened the way it did.</p>

<p>And another thing, going to church is basically like going to these groups… so, basically, I get the feeling they really want to try to "purify" me, rather than help me. So… yeah.</p>

<p>The thing that upsets me most is that they made the general idea of an LGBT group seem bad, when clearly it's not. Also, I swear that they care about what others think of them. They adamantly claimed that they don't, but the way they reacted to the fact that I wanted to be part of National Coming Out Week suggests otherwise.</p>

<p>After all this, they then told me that we were gonna have me delete my facebook because it was "too distracting"… I agree that it is rather distracting at times, but I honestly get the feeling that they want me to delete it for other reasons…</p>

<p>I just need insight as to what I should do… my parents tell me to go to them for stuff like this… but the fact that they are being counterintuitive isn't exactly helpful. Top that with the fact that they are still trying to punish me like I'm five years old while I'm in college… I'm just… I don't know who else to turn to anymore. I don't know if I can even believe what I think anymore because of how my parents are. I just… ugh. what can I do to cope with my parents? How can I be myself when it seems like they're still watching me from far away? Am I right to even be reacting the way I did?</p>

2

<p>Is there an advisor for your college’s LGBT group? If there is, go to him/her and explain what’s going on and ask how you can best cope with this.</p>

<p>For some people, it’s very hard to accept that their child is gay. This doesn’t change the fact that they are, or that the way your parents are treating you is horrible. Maybe you can talk to a counselor at your school about what’s going on.</p>

3

<p>Man, I’m really sorry to hear that all this is happening to you - something like this happening is definitely one of my worst nightmares. While I agree that your parents should be as controlling as they are, nor should they mistreat you because you are gay, sadly there’s not a whole lot to be done. If you are completely self-reliant then you have the option of breaking off contact with them. But most likely you need their money for college and their house to live in for a while, so you have to keep them happy or risk losing their support. Obviously I’m not asking you to give up your participation in LGBT groups, but just hide it from your parents. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.</p>

4

<p>i would definitely defriend your parents on Facebook! My son defriended me and I’m like, the perfect mother who would love to have a child who was proud of his identity and would support him whether he was gay or straight. (I mean, I do support my son’s identity–but he’s straight so that’s the easy option in today’s society). But . . . I don’t go to a conservative church, and I’ve had gay friends my whole life and my whole identity as a person has been nurtured by gay friends, teachers, mentors, bosses, co-workers–I simply can’t imagine my own personal life without the enrichment of the good (and sometimes bad) gay people who surround me. Your parents just sound as if they aren’t there yet. Their identity as parents is in conflict with your idea of who you are as an individual. Let me be the devil’s advocate here (oh the irony)–things that you put on Facebook are public and forever. There are situations where you may not to announce your sexual identity to strangers right away in the future, perhaps in a job interview or whatever. But the more “out” you are on the internet, as opposed to, say, on your campus, the more forever it is. You are making a brand for yourself. I am not saying that any employer should EVER discriminate against gay people and I’ve never worked for one who has. But then again, I’ve always worked in a creative field and they are a common haven for gay people for whatever reason. Some fields may be more conservative and the fit might be made less comfortable until you get to know people if you are extremely out. Your parents may be right that certain relatives would shun you for being gay if they knew, and that might be sad. Or, perhaps they would take it better if they found out from you personally, where you could talk to them heart-to-heart. </p>

<p>Now, do I think your parents are overreacting with the threatening to take the computer away etc.? Yes. I also know that at times I’ve said some outrageous things to my kids when I’m upset or worried about them. They probably are looking down the road a bit and looking at the 9 percent unemployment rate that college graduates are facing. They’re probably worried about the grandchildren they might not have. They probably worry that the tide will turn against gay children and adults and there will be nowhere to hide. To their credit, they knew you were gay and they didn’t reject you as a person. They obviously love you. So try to be merciful to them, too–somehow you’ll all get through this. Parents and kids still do need each other, even if they **** each other off.</p>

<p>On the other hand, DEFINITELY go to the LGBT club. College is a great place to explore your sexual identity and to take pride in it. And see the movie Weekend–it’s a wonderful gay love story that made me cry. When I went to college it was much more cool to be gay than straight, and that’s my son’s experience. I am very happy that I brought him up surrounded by the love of nurturing gay adult friends so that he too is comfortable slipping between the richness of the gay world and the straight world in his circle of friends.</p>

5

<p>As a parent, I am really sorry that your parents are being such jerks about this. In my opinion, you have no more choice in being gay than your sister has about having Downs - it’s simply who you are as a result of genetic make-up. They should be your biggest supporters. Unfortunately their church has taught them that if they love you they should change you. By the way, there are many churches that would welcome you with open arms, such as the UCC congregations that declare themselves open and affirming (ONA, if you look us up on the internet).</p>

<p>Unfortunately, as long as you are financially dependent upon your parents, you will have to accomodate them to some extent. Defriend them and everyone who might report back to them from facebook. Try not to be confrontational until you get your degree, reminding yourself that it’s only for three more years.</p>

<p>College students like to be bold and take on the world, but you have to worry about your education first, and that means walking a tight line between true to yourself and making sure your tuition gets paid. You might want to take them seriously on the part time job so that you can pay for your phone and living expenses if they cut you off. But at the same time, stay with the GSA group at the school - my daughter is president of the chapter on her campus, and it has been a real life buoy for kids there.</p>

6

<p>ugh, too many long posts here</p>

<p>Give your parents an ultimatum: either they respect who you are or go away. Yes this would mean taking on loans but that’s a judgment call you have to make yourself. I know I wouldn’t stand for that treatment if I was in your position.</p>

7

<p>Your best bet is to just defriend them or go heavy on the privacy settings. Don’t let them know what you’re doing.</p>

<p>If that doesn’t work, you may have to just self-support. The last thing you should do here is drop the group and live by someone else’s unreasonable, delusional, selfish dogma.</p>

8

<p>My D just created an alternate FB account with a variation on her name to avoid snooping (not by us). As long as they hold the purse strings, you can’t ignore what they say (unfortunately). I would disengage if I were you. Just don’t share parts of your life because you know it will upset them. They know you are gay, you know you are gay so you are not lying. “What the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve.” So be independent of them to the extent possible instead of getting into long involved arguments or discussions about who you are, and other activities.</p>

9

<p>There’s a certain irony in your words about the suppport and acceptance found in a LGBT group…then coming to CC for support.</p>

<p>If your parents are coming at this from a traditonal, highly conservative religous background, you can understand their unease. There is no need to be “in their faces” about this. Yes, you wish to be genuine and open- but, in many different situations in life, we try to be respectful of contexts. </p>

<p>I had to do some research (a few years ago) on LGBT groups in high schools- believe me, there is much disagreement, even from liberal intellectuals, about these.</p>

<p>Make the choices that suit you, as far as what you join on campus. Just don’t expect your parents- and anyone else- to place the same value on it. Be willing to tread lightly, when that is the wise path.</p>

10

<p>Even though I am a conservative, my opinion is that this is none of your parents’ business.</p>

<p>No different than if they wanted to have a say over your activities if you were straight, such as what frat you wanted to join.</p>

11

<p>Oh, I called the counseling hotline on Saturday, and got in touch with one of the presidents of one of my groups yesterday, and while they did provide help, I’m having trouble gauging whether or not my stance on this is even reasonable. But it has to be, because, I mean, they really can’t be doing this with me even though I am in college. That, and they have to be overreacting over this. -.-</p>

<p>I want to be sure that I am justified in doing whatever measures I’m going to take next. It’s really hard to believe if I’m right or not due to the fact that my parents are well… my parents. So, this why I’m here – to get some input and make decisions based on that and other professional help that I’ve gotten.</p>

12

<p>Good ole religion…</p>

<p>I agree with what everyone is saying. If you can distance yourself from.them do it, but give them an ultimatum first.</p>

13

<p>That is really, really terrible. I’m sorry. </p>

<p>I’d wonder if giving them an ultimatum might not be the best idea…just for the conversation you had before your parents almost took away your phone and computer, which they are allowed to do if they pay for them. While it’s never good to lie and always better to be who you want to be, I suggest maybe going a little more private with your orientation. Since you’re at college, in your everyday life you can be as out as you want, just keep it low-key on Facebook and other places where your parents might be able to see you. When they bother you to go to church or other things you don’t want to do, just tell them that you’ll consider it and don’t talk about it further. If you are relying on them financially, just keep it under the radar until you are able to separate from them.</p>

<p>I am a bisexual girl and I never advocate not being as out as you are comfortable with, but in this case I think it is not worth arguing with them. I don’t think they’ll change their minds from the sound of your post. I would also suggest seeing a counselor (does your school have an LGBT campus center? Mine does, and they have people who work there, usually upperclassmen, that you can talk to anytime very informally, see if you have anything like that) who can give you some more long-term goals in terms of your relationship with your parents.</p>

<p>Good luck, I am very sorry this is happening to you.</p>

14

<p>Your stance on this is angry. Think it through. You hung up on your mom and didn’t pick up for a while. I’m not sure I get the “measures I’m going to take next.” I also disagree with an ultimatum- just what ultimatum? You like this or I’ll go away? You don’t accept this and I’ll drop out? I’ll unfriend you? I’ll buy my own cell and computer? </p>

<p>Some will hate this but: in life, we all have multiple aspects to our identities. Scientist, runner, football fan, redhead, late-sleeper, artistic, vegetarian, gay, not gay, whatever. Different aspects matter in different circumstances. Different people will be comfortable- or not- with some aspects. Your parents don’t like it. How can you compromise? </p>

<p>If they are truly lousy parents (and that’s more than whether they like the fact that you are gay or wish you’d take steps to “un-gay” yourself,) then work toward your independence. Don’t let them continue underwriting you. </p>

<p>And, if they are not truly lousy (or you wish to remain dependent til you get your degree,) don’t make this a cycle of anger and retribution.</p>