Unfinished Transfer Essay?

College Essays
1

<p>Would anyone be so kind as to look over my transfer essay? It's definitely not finished yet (the beginning and end particularly). I'd be especially grateful for suggestions of how to expand it/what more to include. Also, whether or not it seems too negative towards my former institution, because I did try to characterize my dissatisfaction at Bard as a result of circumstances outside of the control of the school. Thanks in advance! c:</p>

<pre><code>Space may be the most familiar final frontier, but I would argue that it is truthfully just one of three: space, the ocean, and the brain. I applied to Bard initially with the intent to major in Psychology, but from my decision to attend, up until now, it has become increasingly apparent to me that Neuroscience and Marine Biology, and particularly a combination of the two in the study of cephalopod intelligence, are my stronger interests by far.
Transferring from Bard, I will be sad to leave some fantastic courses, professors, as well as opportunities for original research both on and off campus. However, a number of unfortunate circumstances (namely, the simultaneous resignation of a significant portion of the Biology department, as well as an unprecedentedly large number of incoming Biology majors making it extraordinarily difficult to grab one of the very limited seats in the available courses) have prompted me to look elsewhere for the continuation of my college career.
Bard’s picturesque location certainly played a role in my decision to attend. And while I have not been disappointed by the beauty or energy of the campus itself, the surrounding area leaves some to be desired. Having lived just outside Charlottesville, Virginia for the entirety of my pre-college life, I grew up knowing and loving the “college town” feel, and I find myself missing it greatly. Any campus can seem stifling when its location renders it next-to inescapable, and I hope to avert this in an urban or suburban environment.
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2

<p>pm me! or actually is this just portion you want edited? btw what college is this for?</p>

3

<p>This is the portion I want edited (which happens to be the entirety of it, atm).
And this is the general Common App transfer essay, so it’s not for any particular college.</p>

4

<p>I would expand on what drew you to psychology initially and try to include details that make the transition to your current, narrowed interest seem like a natural extension of your original interest.</p>

<p>I’d also expand on how you became interested in cephalopod intelligence. Is there a book/video/lecture you can mention? Then elaborate on what you hope to find at your new school (be able to enroll in biology courses, to begin with).</p>

<p>For the second part, I would not mention Bard’s location at all. Instead, write a paragraph describing the type if location/college atmosphere you are seeking. Although, honestly, I’d try to make the bulk of the essay focus on your desire to find a better academic fit. I, however, do not have any experience with college transfers, so take all my advice with a grain of salt. :)</p>

5

<p>I would remove “Bard’s picturesque location certainly played a role in my decision to attend. And while I have not been disappointed by the beauty or energy of the campus itself, the surrounding area leaves some to be desired.”</p>

<p>Of course, campus look plays into your decision to apply and attend, but I feel as if this puts too much emphasis on it. To me, this sounded shallow.</p>

<p>I agree with Trilliums. You should write about the type of experience you are looking for in your future college instead. I think that you should find a characteristic that all of your colleges have in common and write about how you’re looking for that.</p>