<p>My very bright son is a freshman at his safety school, U of I (which is in itself a very good school). He is very unhappy with his choice and has every intention of transferring after his first year. Any advice from other parents, or students, with similar situations? It is well beyond being homesick, etc. He feels he settled and now has to suck it up for the year. Breaks my heart that he is so miserable. Not sure what I can do for him or advice to offer him...</p>
<p>I guess the main question is to determine why he is so unhappy. Is it because none of his friends are there? Does he feel that it is too easy? </p>
<p>It is still pretty early to make such a big decision about changing schools.</p>
<p>He actually does have friends there. He does feel the school is too easy. We keep hoping that, with time, his attitude will change-that the school will grow on him. Sadly, though, he is legitimately miserable. He has joined several organizations/clubs, does social things with friends, etc. It just isn’t a good fit apparently. On one hand, my heart breaks that he is so sad. On the other hand, I am furious - thinking about spending almost $30,000 for him to do nothing but complain. Being the parent sucks. He has made up his mind, though, to attempt a transfer. My fear is twofold: if he doesn’t get in to one of the transfer schools, he has already decided his U of I future and two, what if he hates the next school he goes to? ARGHHH!!! Any tips about tipping the odds in his favor as a transfer student? Thanks in advance! :)</p>
<p>What are the reasons he chose his safety school in the first place? Is there anything positive you can remind him of?</p>
<p>In hindsight, his safety school was largely chosen due to his father & I encouraging it. U of I is a good school, and we did not consider attending it a “compromise”. We should have recognized that this was his safety school because we designated it so. He was really reactive after not getting into his first choice and instead of continuing to search, figured he may as well simply go to U of I. We, sadly, did not consider “fit”, and he was so disappointed that he didn’t, either. I’m such a great mom!!! Not so much.</p>
<p>Has he seen a counselor? By counselor I dont recommend a counselor from the school. But a proffessional?</p>
<p>Someone needs to ask him some tough questions. And this someone cannot be mom and dad. No way no how. Have him talk to a proffessional after you have filled the proffessional counselor in with ALL the details. I believe that a qualified individual can make him see that he actually doesnt have it so bad.</p>
<p>Also what is he majoring in? If he is bored kick his major to the next level. Is he in the honros program? What about Engineering??</p>
<p>All is not lost but you need help getting him to realize that the “grass is not always greener on the other campus”</p>
<p>Thanks, gator, for the advice.
Tried to talk him into seeing somebody, as I don’t want this unhappiness to turn into depression. No go so far.
Majoring in economics. Was invited to join an engineering merit group but declined. Has no interest in engineering.
I have been trying to prepare him for the possibility that regardless of which school he attends, he may not be truly happy. He has this “Good Will Hunting” idea of college in his head; not sure that anything can live up to what he expected.<br>
I have tried to tell him that there will be kids who aren’t as bright as he is and kids who will be much brighter than he is - regardless of the school.<br>
His mind is made up about U of I not working. Now I just have to figure out how to help him with what I can and let him learn the rest on his own. Tough spot. Could be worse, though…</p>
<p>Sorry to hear your son doesn’t like UIUC. My DS is going there as a freshman and he loves it. He is the College of Business and they have a great deal of interaction with the Deans. I am not sure how the Economic’s dept work.</p>
<p>Also sorry he is not enjoying his classes. Are there interesting gen ed options he can look into for the second semester? My son came in with a lot of AP credits so he is taking classes now in his major to determine if he really likes this major. He also joined clubs in that major to quickly meet people in his field.</p>
<p>Finally, he decided to join a social fraternity. This was a big surprise for us, but he has made a lot of friends in the group. So far he seems very happy so we are letting him have his fun.</p>
<p>Good luck to your son. If he doesn’t like UIUC, agree that he might need to transfer.</p>
<p>FWIW, I think early courses at great state universities are usually large classes, covering a lot of ‘survey material’, with a lot of diversity in student ability. They need to get everyone on the same page. But as students move up and into their major, the quality of the class, the size, the student interest and ability really goes up. I realize he probably won’t listen to this (mom says some stranger on the internet says…) but it’s true! At a place like UIUC, there are easily as many brilliant minds as there are in the total of some very top schools (because there are many reasons brilliant kids go to flagships). You just have to find them among all the others. </p>
<p>But if he went in with this attitude, it’s probably self-fulfilling. And maybe at this point, not much you can say that will convince him otherwise. But what evidence does he have that its ‘too easy’? Has he even had midterms yet? Could he just be using this to explain his feelings, when it’s really something else? </p>
<p>Maybe to add to his need for intellectual challenge, and give him the Good Will Hunting experience, suggest he seek out some professors in economics. Meet with them, talk to them, see if he can get involved in research. If he can start interacting one on one with them, and grad students, and doing research early, it will not only help his education but also provide the intellectual stimulation he feels he’s missing. He should also see the department secretary and asked to be on the mailing list for the departmental seminars which will probably run on Fridays. He can sit in and learn firsthand about cutting edge research not even yet published. He might also look into more advanced coursework for next semester (he can always talk to the professors about letting him enroll even if he doesn’t have the prereqs). There is simply no way a student can’t be intellectually challenged in a place like this (it just might take a bit of initiative). Some of the most brilliant professors I’ve known- who were gifted kids from day one- happily did their undergrads at flagships. </p>
<p>At a minimum, if it’s too easy, he should end up with a stellar GPA which should be a good way to start his degree.</p>
<p>How long has he been there? Maybe a month? At this time in his college career, my son was saying the same thing–“I made a mistake; I hate it here; I want to leave”. We were upset, but we told him that if he wanted to transfer, the major thing he needed to do was to get absolutely top grades. Otherwise, his options would be limited. </p>
<p>Even when he came home at Christmas, he continued to say how much he hated the school, even though, yes, he had made friends, he was active in the outdoor program (even teaching sailing, and signed up to take a leadership course required of all trip leaders). We sent him back to school, continuing to tell him that he needed to keep up his grades, and that we would support him should he want to submit a transfer app.</p>
<p>Something changed when he went back. He never said what, though we suspect a girl was involved. All of a sudden, school was fine, he liked his classes (maybe because he took a couple more advanced ones?), and he wasn’t going to transfer. He graduated this past May, with honors in his major.</p>
<p>I’m not saying your son should or will follow this track, but I think it’s very common for kids to have second thoughts and “hate” their schools early on. I second the suggestions above to seek out challenges if his classes truly are “too easy”, esp. looking into research opportunities in his proposed major. And, remind him to keep his grades up, so he can have choices should he want to transfer. And that you will support him either way.</p>
<p>This may or may not be related to what your son is experiencing, but…it seems to me that young men go through a developmental period of bucking every assumption they are faced with. In other words, if a teacher, parent, or society says something is a certain way, they assume there is a good chance that it is NOT that way. Some people call this the BS Radar. 
The problem is that when they are so miserable, and a victim of this particular stage, characterized by black and white thinking, you worry about their capacity for dealing with emotions. I predict that next year, wherever he is, he will be a lot happier 
</p>
<p>In the meantime, my best advice is to trust your instincts as to how serious this is. If you are not getting the feeling it’s very dire, it seems okay to check in with him frequently, and just try to gauge whether he is seeing his friends, eating and sleeping well, doing his work, etc. </p>
<p>It might mean a lot to him to know that if he does want to transfer, you will let him. If he can take on a responsibility, or even be challenged by some intense physical endeavor (a marathon or something?!), that might help too. I feel like young men generally need to overcome challenges to a much greater degree than our society accommodates - they sort of want to <em>earn</em> their adulthood…Best of luck! I know how hard this is for a mom.</p>
<p>OP, I’m not quite buying that the lack of academic challenge is the only major complaint. Guys are much less apt to share such things with parents, but it sounds like he just doesn’t feel at home yet, and doesn’t feel like he fits in. It’s too soon for that, of course, but there’s no convincing a teenager that time is the only cure.</p>
<p>My D had a miserable freshman year; different issues, but same unhappiness. Early in the year, she too began researching transfers. By the time she got home in May, she had worked out a viable plan to do so (the plan involved sophomore year at our community college, so she didn’t do any transfer apps during freshman year) and she had no intention of ever going back. BUT by then she had gotten rational enough to realize that things don’t always work out as planned, so rather than disenrolling, she took a one-year leave. Thank goodness!!</p>
<p>After freshman year, though, a funny thing happened. Home wasn’t the nirvana she had thought it would be. Her old crowd wasn’t her old crowd any more – they had all had too many separate experiences now. After a year of independence, she really didn’t relish the idea of living with Mom & Dad the following year. Even more surprising to her (but not to me) was that she found she actually MISSED her college people. She Skyped with a couple of them regularly that summer, and I know there was a lot of IM-ing, texting, and facebooking. By the time school started again, she was moaning that all her friends were going back while she was stuck at home. She returned in January of sophomore year, and has been thriving ever since. So please know that things can turn around.</p>
<p>But that year was rough on all of us. After a semester of unsuccessfully trying to talk her into liking her school, DH and I shifted gears and spent spring semester talking with her about the realities of transferring – the sad state of higher education in California, the financial implications of walking away from her very nice FA package, the social difficulty of breaking into a new school as a junior. We forced her to come up with a detailed, realistic plan that we could all live with. We still believed that her college was the right one for her, but sadly understood that if she refused to make it work, we’d have to go to Plan B and we were fully prepared to do so. And in a funny way, I think that helped. She was free to make up her own mind without us telling her what she should like.</p>
<p>Advice: Let him vent. Don’t try to talk him into liking it, that’s just wasted breath – but do draw him out about anything positive, however small. Try to hide your own strong emotions. Be the anchor in the storm. Make him do the nuts-and-bolts research and work for a transfer, and be closely involved in vetting his work. Don’t let him withdraw until something else is lined up and finances are in place.</p>
<p>And please don’t beat yourself up. You are a good mom – you made sure he applied to a safety which IMO is the most critical thing about college apps. If you hadn’t, he’d be working at McDonalds right now.</p>
<p>Make him go to counseling. You still hold the purse strings you have the power. Dont take his word for it, find a private counselor and pay them (just go ahead and pay… dont rely on the free school counselors), arrange for them to call and let you know that your son did indeed attend a session, (i worked last spring answering phones for an LPC and I assure you that almost 65% of our college age clients had this arrangement)</p>
<p>Depending on what is going on with your son he will need as few as 5 sessions, after 3 though he will want to keep going… they really work!</p>
<p>Make sure that your son understands confidentiality laws with the counselor, he may feel that the counselor is working for you so they report anything that your son says back to you, make sure that he is aware that is not what is happening.</p>
<p>Encourage your son to go and chat with the department chair/adviser for economics. Perhaps there is a research opportunity that will interest him and help to sustain him this year. My son went to his safety – a large, OOS university. Despite landing spots in three different honors programs and making some friends, he was not completely happy his freshman year. But, he and an econ professor clicked. Now, my son does research with him, among all the other activities he got involved in. He could not imagine himself at any other college.</p>
<p>As painful as this is, it’s actually a great “teachable moment”. Your son is learning that sometimes, what seemed like an okay choice may not be his thing, and he is regrouping, reassessing, and evaluating his alternatives. He may indeed end up choosing to stay, but I think he’s miserable because he has to work at finding what makes him happy. He might be happier at another school, but guess what? No one’s going to hand that to him. He has to see what he can find at his school; check out other schools; keep his grades up where he is and give it his best shot before he decides to transfer. It would be nice if all our kids got into their first choices and they went there and loved it, but life doesn’t work out like that. Disappointment, regrouping, evaluating – these are life skills he’s learning. He’s lucky he has you to talk to. He has to live in the “ugh – I hate this – what am I going to do about it?” for a while.</p>
<p>My brother, who’s now a doctor, went to medical school in NYC in the '80s. He had to be at the hospital at 5 am, which meant getting up early and walking the couple of blocks against a stiff icy wind off the Hudson. The fun and glory of being a college student was gone. This was life. He told me every morning, he’d wake up and say: This sucks. I hate this. I’m quitting. By the time he said the last phrase, he was at the hospital.</p>
<p>Freshman “survey” courses are often…not the most exciting. If the coursework is too easy, does his school have an honors college? Perhaps he could apply or do whatever hoops to see if second semester he could have more challenging courses.</p>
<p>dizzycat made an excellent point in suggesting that you tell him that for him to transfer he has to have exccellent grades. This added pressure just may make him take his classes more seriously.</p>
<p>also bowtiefratty suggestion to make him go to a private counselor is also excellent advice. Make sure that he sees someone that will communicate with you.</p>
<p>is the UI you are referring to Univ of Illinois? If it is what is there not to like? I am convinced that he will not be happy anywhere at this point. He is still upset about not getting into the college of his choice. it is too bad that he wont listen to you when you tell him that everything in life happens for a reason. 18 year olds dont want to listen to us oldies talk such nonsense. Eventhough it is sooo true.</p>
<p>He will be fine in time. Remember time heals all wounds.</p>
<p>I’m going to take the opposite approach from most here - maybe it’s just the wrong school for him. If he is interested in transferring he needs to figure out what is wrong and what he wants next time - it sounds like he is looking for a more academically stimulating school, perhaps smaller student population as well, what else? What other schools did he apply to and get admitted to last year? Would he consider any of those again? If so, he should contact admissions and tell them he made a mistake and would love to be considered again. We had a kid in my older daughters class (valedictorian actually) who, like your son, was not admitted to his top two schools so “just picked one” because he felt so defeated. He hated it (for whatever reason) contacted another school to which he was admitted and transferred the following year without even reapplying. He’s a Junior now and thrilled.</p>
<p>I understand your frustration with his complaining but that’s your job as well, to be his place to vent. Of course, perhaps you might prefer this story - another boy from older daughters high school class wanted to get as far away as possible from his family so attended a school by the Canadian Rockies (we’re in NY). He hated it but his parents thought it was an adjustment period, that’s all. Sometime in April or so, his parents get a call, he no longer needs to find an apartment off campus because he’s transferred and been admitted to a SUNY school about 1 1/2 hours from home. The mom was devastated! The parents had no idea he was seriously unhappy nor that he was sending out transfer applications. He’s been at the state school two years now and total turn around both academically and socially.</p>
<p>I’ve known both these boys since they were 2 years old and I’m thrilled they both found their place. But they both had to accept the fact that they made a wrong choice when they were 17, for whatever reason, and corrected the situation fantastically.</p>
<p>Have your son think it all through and then figure out how he wants to proceed. Good luck!</p>
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<p>Devastated? The boy had a problem, he mentioned to his parents, and he dealt with it. Tha parents are to be congratulated, and OP’s son would do well to follow this example.</p>
<p>I have trouble believing a freshman can make a rational decision about school based on one month of classes. I think it’s fine for the OP’s son to start looking at alternatives. Perhaps he’ll change his mind by end of year. If he’s firm in his view after a year then all the leg work will have been done.</p>