My daughter is going to a top tier private university for her undergrad. She worked her tail off to be there and has had her nose to the grindstone for years it seems. When she began she was incredibly nervous but excited and happy. When I went to see her for parent’s weekend she was full of anxiety and sadness and cried more than I’ve ever seen her cry. She had a horrible roommate - that was the first problem. She didn’t want to go back to her dorm and was overwhelmed by her classes. It was fairly traumatic trying to get her moved to another room – the only option really being a single where now she deals with loneliness. She did make a 3.9 gpa in the fall there but I’ve not seen her this down before. I am watching her closely and we have a plan to apply to CU Boulder - in our backyard and a few other universities that we haven’t visited. We are low socio-economic though so the cost of this may be overwhelming.
I have two comments/questions if there is anyone out there with advice I welcome it - this is my first (and only) child going off to college:
~ This has been a disappointing experience from the standpoint that it is torture to watch her so unhappy. She cried as she told me today that her high school friends are enjoying college and have friends in college that ‘they miss while back home for the break.’ She has a few girls she does stuff with but hasn’t made a good connection with anyone and said she doesn’t miss anyone at her university. She wants to be home and was so sad when stepping back on the plane today to go back. She didn’t want to go. That driven, excited girl that felt she had worked hard and achieved something by getting into this school is now forlorn and not sure what the future has in store. She regrets accepting admission to this school. Was there anything we could have done to see this coming? The school she chose was the only one that I didn’t visit with her. She visited with her aunt who at the time was living there and my daughter thought she’d have family close by. The aunt and uncle subsequently announced a pregnancy and moved away to California a few months before my daughter arrived at school so they are no longer close by.
~ She is at a school with a quarter system. At the end of the Winter quarter, I’d like to tell her to come home (which would mean she’d leave without finishing the final Spring Quarter of freshman year. Is this a bad idea? Will this look bad for transfer applications? She has about $1500 in scholarship money designated for the Spring Quarter that would be returned to the scholarship agencies. Will it look bad to them? She is reapplying for a scholarship for next year with one of the same agencies.
I want her to be happy and enjoying college. Am I wrong to think that this is not the way it has to be?
She should finish the year. She can start working on transfer applications, and transfer for the fall. Sometimes students find their footing second semester, though. I think a student pulling a 3.9 at a top tier university may not be doing anything but studying, which could contribute to her social isolation. I personally would rather that my kid had slightly lower grades and maybe joined a couple of clubs or activities. You should tell her this. Both my kids had lousy freshman roommates, too, and one switched to a different room at winter break.
It is too late now to second guess whether she could have made a better choice. I always think overnights at accepted student days are a good idea. But I would walk a line now of both supporting transfer apps, but also finishing out her year and trying to engage more in campus life during the second part of the year.
I know a lot of kids just like her, and several have ended up back in Boulder within a semester of going OOS. My nephew attends, and as you say many see their friends from high school going to Boulder and having fun with friends new and old and think ‘Why am I going to some other school when I could be paying less and going with my friends?’ These kids were upper middle class or wealthy, so the cost of CU was probable a lot less when they switched (no needs based aid, but some merit forfeited when they transferred).
I’d not make her go back for yet another quarterif she’s really unhappy, although I’d encourage her to do so. Some schools don’t take freshman transfers, so she’d need the equivalent of 30 semester credits or 45 quarter credits. It’s also just a little stage when a quarter credit transfers as .75 of a credit, so she could have 5.4 credits of history when she’ll need 6 to satisfy a core requirement. I think CU does allow the transfer, but in the olden days, CSU did not (don’t know about now)
Getting settled into a new life away from everything familiar can be stressful for many students. In addition to other posted advice, please urge your child to go to her college’s counseling center. They can help her work through her issues and suggest coping strategies. Both of my daughters found counsellors at their college to be very caring and helpful. Anxiety can turn into depression if it persists.
No, you are not wrong to think that this is the way it has to be. I am sitting here in my TV room while my college freshman daughter is contentedly reading for pleasure on the other sofa. Despite the fact that her dorm room is rather crowded, the academic pace is intense, and she goes to school halfway around the world away from us, she is happy at her school and is starting to look forward to heading back there and being with her new friends again as we enter the third and last week of her break. I think this is how it should be for most high functioning college kids.
It seems like you have tried to help your daughter work through her struggles with the first term, however, the solutions have not given her (or you) the desired results. It is hard to grapple with giving up such an amazing educational opportunity that your daughter worked hard for, but it is also hard to watch your daughter struggle so much and risk more serious mental health consequences as her stress goes unresolved. It seems like you are at this point now of deciding to fish or cut bait so to speak.
It sounds like transferring might be a good option, but can’t really advise you as to whether or not leaving before the sping quarter would be best or not, or what the financial ramifications would be. It seems like you have lots of phone calling in store to ask these questions of the advisors at the schools, and a little time to get it figured out before the end of the current quarter.
My heart goes out to you. Tears and pain in your child are not easy. It will be good for your daughter to see that she isn’t stuck and that problems can be solved.
I bet, if she stays for the Spring Quarter, she’ll make new friends and never want to leave. She should stick it out, just for a little while. Also, I’m interested in the university, she’s in(If you mind sharing). I hope its not Uchicago(Quarter System). Cause I applied there?
A quarter credit is 2/3 of a semester credit, assuming the credit hour system (15-16 credits per quarter or semester, so a year is 45-48 quarter credits or 30-32 semester credits).
At schools which count credits by courses, one course would likely be 5 credit hours if the normal course load is 3 courses, or 4 credit hours if the normal course load is 4 courses.
Check this isn’t Facebook /Instagram living. In other words, is your D spending all her time reading about the “perfect” lives of her high school friends online? Staying in her room doing this rather than going out and enjoying her own life. It’s all an illusion, but a poisonous one.
First, hugs go out to you. It’s tough. I know lots of Ds who have had bumpy freshman years with loneliness, friend drama, grade stress, etc. I’d wager that YOU get the brunt of her angst and it might not be quite as bad as she paints it. She needs SOMEONE she can vent to, share her fears with, etc. and you should be glad it’s you–hard as it is.
Suggestions, most already made: 1) go to counseling center 2) join a new club that gets out and actually does stuff 3) get transfer applications out so she’ll have options should she still be unhappy this spring. Suggest she randomly introduce herself to one new person a week and ask if she can sit with him/her at a meal, study together, etc. Suggest she go one new place a week she hasn’t been before. In other words, she needs to risk putting herself out there a bit more.
If at all possible, I do think she should try to finish the year. Continue to listen. You know your D and will know if/when you need to get more involved. I’d also make sure I had the contact number for her RA in case you were ever concerned and needed to be in touch.
Both of ours had bumpy, parental stress-inducing first years for different reasons. Sophomore year is better and they seem better able to cope with the ebb and flow of things.
Part of growing up is to be able to overcome adversity by herself. When someone is unhappy and wants to make a change, the question is how will the new environment make one happier. What is it about the school she is at that’s making her so unhappy? From your brief post, you said she doesn’t have many friends. How is changing school going to make it better?
My college senior daughter had a very difficult year due to change in our family, BF breakup and not certain what she would do after graduation. I listened to her cry often on the phone. It is gut wrenching when you hear your kid cry. At the same time, I knew she had to figure it out by herself. I got her a counselor, which she thought was very helpful. She is doing much better now. She came up with a game plan for next year. She just had her best semester ever with 4.15 GPA. I think what’s more important is knowing she could work through adversity by herself is giving her more confidence.
I understand OP’s daughter is a lot younger than my kid and probably needs more of OP’s help to work this through. I would have her stick it out until end of year instead of running away. She can start sending out applications to other schools and make her decision over the summer. This is no different than when we don’t like our jobs. We get a new job before we quit. Getting 3.9 the first semester at a top tier school means she is spending too much time studying instead of having fun. Has she joined any club? What about a job on campus? Both of my kids worked while in school. The younger one works in an office that gives out funding for various community projects. It has given her an opportunity to work with many professors and student leaders. They also had singles freshman year, and they loved their privacy. Tell your daughter to leave her door open when doesn’t need privacy, have some food (like fresh popcorn) in her room to attract people to visit. Try not to study her room, instead, go do her work at a more social library (my kids knew which library to go to in order to see and be seen). Encourage your daughter to see a counselor on campus.
Instead of “allowing” your kid to pack up and come home whenever she is unhappy, this maybe a teaching moment for her to learn how to cope and come out on the other side. This is hard because no parent wants to see our kids unhappy. Good luck.
Honestly, I would encourage her to finish out the year. Starting over someplace else isn’t easy either and there is no guarantee that she’d like the other school better. Academically your daughter is doing great, so that is a plus. But I’m in the camp where I’d be happy if my daughter had a lower GPA and spent a bit more time doing something other than just studying. There are so many things at schools for kids to do and at my daughter’s school they really stress getting involved with something on campus. I’d recommend your daughter join a club or two. My daughter joined the “Lover Your Melon” group at her school as well as the nursing club. It was at one of those meetings that led her to a part-time job off campus where she is a PCA for young people with disabilities. She enjoys the work and finds it rewarding. There are a lot of college kids from other schools who work there as well and that has been an awesome way for her to meet people her age at those other schools as well as families in the the community. I would recommend that your daughter look for a job to fill some time, expand her circle, and make a little money. A club like Circle K would be a good one. They actually go out and do things in the community.
We went through this as well, but it was done by mid October and now she is in love with her school. I am sorry you are dealing with this; I know how hard it is.
My daughter found her groove by joining two clubs. One of those clubs is her favorite thing in the whole world and has brought her very very close to a smaller group of people ( although not small- maybe 200 students). Some of those kids have become very very close friends. She also started accepting invitations from other students in her classes- to see guest speakers, etc. Additionally, she went for counseling and has a roommate she loves ( that is huge). I have to add that joining these clubs was not easy- it was a competitive process. Had she not gotten in, the outcome in terms of happiness would have been very different.
When my D was misersble I told her that we would re-visit it at Thanksgiving. If she still hated it then I would allow her to send out transfer applications ( was not even sure when those would be due). Then, once those acceptances came, she would have another opportunity to assess the situation again and decide what to do. This gave her 100% control over the situation and seemed to have been a big help. Good luck to you - this is very difficult.
I’m so sorry that you you and your daughter are going through this. There is nothing worse than having an unhappy child (even a technically adult child!) far away from home. I don’t have any new advice but will reiterate what others have said. First, I would strongly suggest that she go to the counseling center or find an outside therapist. Having someone objective for her to talk to will do you both a world of good. It’s hard for us patents to separate the emotion we feel from the advice we give.
Secondly, she should get involved in at least one new activity. It’s a great way to meet people with similar interests.
Third, even though she’s in a single, she should keep her door open at least some of the time that she’s there. This will encourage others to stop by.
Fourth, spending some time in the dorm / house lounge is another good way to get to know new people. Also, encourage her to join in with some dorm / house activities (trips, service, parties, etc)
Finally, I too would suggest that she finish off the year if at all possible. By all means, encourage her to apply to transfer schools as a back up plan, but finishing the year at her present school would give her the best opportunity to figure out if this is truly not the right fit for her. She clearly has the academic chops to be successful at this school so maybe first quarter was simply a case of figuring out how to navigate a new environment that is challenging on multiple levels. College is frequently the first time our kids get a 50 on a test only to later realize that it is actually a good grade since the class average was a 34! This can be a very stressful experience since they may not know how they’re actually doing in a class until final grades are posted. Add that to being far away from home with no one she knows locally and a bad roommate situation and you get a recipe for a very stressful adjustment.
Hugs to you. Hang in there and keep us posted!
PS @Malcomx99 Even if the school she attends is UChicago, try to remember that no school is right for everyone and many students have a difficult adjustment period. Chicago is a great school with many wonderful programs and happy students. Fun has not died there, it’s just a vicious rumor.
“2) join a new club that gets out and actually does stuff”
If you only join one, it could be a boring club with the wrong kids. The best strategy here is to join 3 or 4 clubs and try them. Once she sorts out which ones are actually fun and have her peeps, then drop the others.
Lots of good advice here already. The only thing I’ll add is that as long as your D is maintaining good grades (and a 3.9 at a top tier is more than “good” it’s awesome), then I’d encourage her to finish the year unless you are worried about self harm. It’s difficult to see your kid unhappy but at this age I think you also have to resist swooping in to rescue her (again, the exception is if you think she’s going to harm herself). I agree that social media can give a misleading impression that everyone else’s life is perfect. Also I think we (parents, the media and the colleges in their marketing materials) sometimes build up an unrealistic picture of what college life will be like.
My younger D is a freshman in HS. I’ve changed her school twice since 7th grade in response to her stated misery. Guess what, she wants to change again. I’ve been taking her to therapy and part of the therapy is teaching me how to respond when she says: “I hate school, i’m miserable. I have absolutely no friends, I don’t like the people at this school, I don’t like the teachers, I don’t want to go”. I’m supposed to validate (acknowledge) her feelings but without trying to rescue or fix the situation. School starts again on Monday and it’s ratcheting up again. I’m spending a lot of time this weekend saying various versions of: “I know you hate X school. It’s hard to feel sad and lonely.” I don’t try to talk her out of her feelings even when I think they’re irrational. Fingers crossed that she gets off to school okay on Monday morning.
I agree with those that have suggested she finish out the year. She is doing extremely well academically and perhaps given the additional time, things might fall in place socially. Also expectations have to be managed - having one or two friends might just have to suffice for now. But I do think finishing the year will look better on a transfer application and she can then say she gave the school a chance.
There is certainly no shame in a transfer, many students do so every year. Things aren’t working well, you make changes. That’s just life - whether it’s college, a job or a relationship.
“At the end of the Winter quarter, I’d like to tell her to come home (which would mean she’d leave without finishing the final Spring Quarter of freshman year. Is this a bad idea?”
YES! Its a terrible idea.
She needs to finish her winter qtr at the very least.
Then, if she absolutely refuses to go back, then she should ask for a leave of absence, but that WILL negatively impact her transfer chances. Colleges will want to see a complete transcript, not a transcript full of W’s.
“Will this look bad for transfer applications?”
YES!
Colleges expect transfer applicants to be able to show that they can handle college level work.
And transfer applications are not even looked at UNTIL after MAY, after the college knows how many new Freshman will be attending the following year.
She should finish out the year in order to give herself the best chances to be able to transfer
. My bet is that she will feel differently in a few months.
