My D has had a first lonely year at school. She’s had a hard time finding friends or a group. She’s joined a couple clubs, volunteers, and pledged a sorority. She is a military brat and has changed schools several times with ease. She’s had plenty of friends in HS and was very social. I didn’t see this coming. I thought she’d be a good fit for this medium size private school. Most kids come from all over. I thought she’d fit in nicely. She recently applied to a different school to transfer and was not accepted. She is devestated and does not want to go back. She knows she has to and I keep telling her things might be different as a sophomore. I guess my question is did anyone else’s child go through this and did things get better the following year? She’ll be in a dorm without a roommate (because she couldn’t find a group of 8 to room with) and I feel like she’ll be even more isolated or not be around other kids who are looking to meet new friends. She thinks everyone has somebody but her. I know that’s not true and I’m sure others are feeling the same as her. I just don’t want her to give up so easy.
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Is she depressed? Has she seen anyone to find out?
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Why does she “have to go back”? If she is not depressed, perhaps she has some good insights into why she might want to leave. There are many ways to do college. (One of mine left a school she did not feel fit her and has done fine.)
She doesn’t have to go back. There are schools that have spring transfers.
i’m so sorry about this…college is weird. My oldest kid – great girl but always had a bit of problem making friends – completely flourished in college…now a junior, president of 3 (!) clubs, something to do every minute…while my younger, a boy, confident/smart/good-looking/kind…loads of friends…has met people no matter where he lived…has really languished after his first year. He’s flummoxed and so I am.
honestly, there’s probably a lot of luck to these things…you meet 2 or 3 people who become your base and you spread out…OR you don’t meet those people and it’s tougher.
One question: Is there a dorm that’s especially for transfers/upperclassmen at her college? One idea would be to restart by meeting a group of girls who are all in their first year.
That’s really hard.
If she was my D, I wouldn’t have her go back to the school she’s so unhappy at. Not in a single. Community College for a semester and apply for another school would be better than living in a single.
She does not have to return to that school.
It would help to know the two schools in question and/or what your daughter thinks that the relevant differences are between her current school & the school to which she tried to transfer.
P,S. This could turn into a serious situation. Your daughter needs you now. Please do not send her back.
One’s late teenage years & throughout one’s twenties can be very sensitive times. Lots of introspection about self, judgment by others & need to be accepted. Very unhealthy to be isolated.
There is no shame whatsoever in the realization that one needs a break from school & a change in environment. Let your daughter take a year off & work to build confidence, self esteem & a chance to correct a small misstep.
I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter. We had a similar situation with our daughter. Thought she picked her dream school and ended up miserable. Originally the plan was to stick it out freshman year while applying to other schools as a backup in case things didn’t get better.
Well, she asked to come home after first semester. So she quickly enrolled in community college while applying to other schools for sophomore year.
Nothing wrong with leaving a school that isn’t a good fit. No need to be miserable if she doesn’t think things will get better. She could do community college for a semester or year while figuring out what may be a better fit for her.
Our daughter learned a lot about herself during that semester and has a clearer picture of what will hopefully make her happier. So it was really hard, but not a disaster in the end.
I am sorry your daughter is having a rough time. My daughter picked a school for a certain major, got in and never sent another application out. Then summer orientation school announced they were doing away with that major. She was disappointed but changed her major. Now for sophmore year she did try to transfer to another school and got waitlisted. My daughter was upset and cried and I asked her if she wanted to transfer home to a closer school and she said no. We discussed if she stays at her current school maybe she could do study abroad. So she researched that and now she is excited to stay and hopefully will travel to London for Spring 2019.
Do you have a state school she could transfer too? I would not have her live alone as that might make her feel more isolated. Maybe she could choose a random roommate. Sometimes that actually works better.
I personally would not have her take a year off unless she has a medical issue going on like depression or she is saying she wants a break. If the only reason is she doesn’t like the school then see what school takes rolling admissions and have her apply. Maybe she could travel abroad next year or half of year.
I totally understand what you are going through but hopefully you both can figure out other options once she comes home. Hang in there.
I’m sorry your D is feeling this way. If she does go back, perhaps she can apply to study abroad spring semester. Would be especially good if it was a program that had kids from a variety of colleges. If she’s not happier in the fall, she could apply again for transfer for junior and senior year.
There is nothing wrong with taking a year off from college entirely while she thinks about what she wants to do. Offer that as well as the community college or local U option.
In my book sticking it out for a year isn’t giving up easily. If she were mine, I’d let her come home and work/attend a CC and ultimately transfer to a different school.
Can she live in the sorority?
My D had a horrible first year too. She thought about transferring, but in the end decided to stick it out. She went back, and made 180 degree turn around. She is so happy - it really just took a while. The sorority was the saving grace. She pledged her freshman year, but didn’t really connect too well with many of the girls. She moved in the house her sophomore year and then it all clicked. I agree with the above poster - can she live in the house? If not, then often the 2nd year in a sorority is much easier to meet people as well. Maybe she can get on the board, etc.
I generally think that if someone doesn’t like a school after being there for a year, they should transfer. I do agree that if she can live in the sorority house (if she likes the sorority,) it might be worth trying.
I was thinking living in the sorority or studying abroad as well.
If your daughter is willing to see a therapist, a good therapist can be enormously helpful in making some sense of confusing emotions.
IMO, there is a lot of pressure on young adults to have college be “the best years of their lives”. A therapist can help your daughter tease through her expectations, conscious and unconscious, about her college experience and relationships with friends.
Perhaps your daughter had expected to have a BFF by now, or a core group of buddies. Maybe she has a lot of people she could do things with, but doesn’t see them as close friends and therefore feels lonely. Maybe the dating scene isn’t what she had hoped. She might not even know the answers to those questions.
If she says she really doesn’t want to go back, she can use the summer to start therapy and come up with another plan. She can re-invent herself and start fresh at another school. It might be important that she feels like she has choices and to feel empowered to build a life she wants.
A good friend of mine, her son took a gap year after freshman year because the year had gone so spectacularly bad for him. He did not want to go back to that school but wasn’t sure his options were. Just one year at home, & working with a therapist, he was ready to apply to a different school with a new plan and purpose.
Keep us updated? Good luck!
Good friend of ours had a similar situation. She didn’t go back for Sophomore year but did a gap year instead and worked. She reapplied as a transfer to a wider range of schools. She just heard that she was accepted at one of her top choices.
It really isn’t worth it for your daughter to go back and be miserable. Even if she isn’t willing to go to therapy, staying home, working and maturing can do wonders.
In a week’s there’ll be a list of colleges that miscalculated yield. Many admit transfers.
Would you be willing to share the college she wanted to transfer to and her current GPA?would she be willing to try the possible matches from that list?
Does anyone have the link for the colleges that still have openings for the fall?
I, too, thought that this unhappy freshman should review that list to see if she could still transfer.
My (now long graduated) daughter transferred after her freshman year, and she was very glad she did.
“I just don’t want her to give up easily”. She gave it a year already. You said she had no issue adjusting to new environment before this. So, this must have been very difficult for her to deal with. She tried joining clubs, a sorority, etc. She tried.
If it were my daugheter, she would not go back. There are other options.