Unhealthy Parents

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi everyone. I used to read this site when I was applying to college, and now I'm a junior. I'm worried about my mom.</p>

<p>She is a heavy smoker, works a job where she has to be on her feet 60 hours/week, and I don't think she's been to the doctor since I was born. She never gets mammograms or other regular check-ups. Her best friend recently died of cancer, and before she died she was always reminding my mom to go to the doctor. My mom would say, "Oh, yeah, I know, I'm going," change the subject, and then never go. I used to sometimes mention to her that I wish she didn't smoke, but I realized this made her anxious and she would smoke more, so I stopped saying anything. She is overweight and never exercises, and her diet is ok but not great (heavy on red meat). I also suspect she is depressed.</p>

<p>I don't get along with my father and am not very close to my parents. I got a large merit scholarship and because of this and a small student loan, my parents are not paying for college at all. I am 21 and an only child, and they are in their early 60s. But I still love my mother and worry about her. I also think it's pretty selfish of her not to take care of herself: she was a poor example for me, and also I don't know if she considers how it much it will affect me if she becomes very (and preventably) ill or dies when I'm still very young. She has health insurance, so the issue isn't financial.</p>

<p>My question is, do you have suggestions as to how I can convince her to go to the doctor? Gently and without making her feel judged or anxious? (I have a lot of built-up resentment, so this is going to be difficult.)
For you moms out there, would you like your daughters to accompany you to these kinds of appointments?
Has anyone had similar experience with parents?</p>

2

<p>you sound like a caring daughter--even if you have feelings of resentment--it's reasonable. have you told your mom you are concerned for her, and as you put it, "how lost you would be if she dies young". it must be painful for her to have lost her best friend, and scary for you to think about. take a chance, talk with her, tell her your fear, ok to express your frustration with her too, you are her daughter and that is pretty typical mother daughter stuff. If she won't listen find another family member to team up with--an aunt, cousin? if she's depressed it may interfere in her taking care of herself-- goodluck and be proud of your own accomplishments...you sound like a really good daughter.</p>

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<p>My mother was a bit like this. It has improved, but she has refused invasive tests when they were suggested, but fortunately this has not caused any health issues. It has improved since she found that she can find physicians that will not be as proactive in ordering invasive testing that she finds scary. I guess some medical care is better than none at all, but it is far from ideal. For example, if my mother refuses a colonoscopy and gets treated for high blood pressure, if she has colon cancer, her treatment for the high BP is nice, but colon cancer could still kill her. Her philosophy is that docs are not going to do invasive things that could have a harmful outcome (every procedure has risks), and when her time is up, its up. She feels that her body and life is hers, and others are not going to do procedures to earn more money (she views medicine as a business, which it is, but that is not all that it is). She is an active 75 y/o and going strong. Some of her friends who have opted to have have more elective procedures and surgeries have been not so fortunate, and my mother is quick to point this out to me. My mother is terrified of the doctors. I hope that this viewpoint helps. Perhaps your mother is bit like mine. She is not the ideal patient for conventional medicine, but since she is a healthy independant active 75 y/o, I feel that it has worked for her and she has been blessed. She knows that nobody lives forever, and she wants to age and eventually die of natural causes. She does not care to walk into a hospital for some procedure and not walk out, or come out being compromised in some way. Nobody, does, but my mother prefers to take her chances. She feels staying away from white coats is what is best for her.</p>

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<p>Perhaps your mom knows if she visits a doctor she will be told to stop smoking and lose weight, and maybe these are things she doesn't want to do.</p>

5

<p>I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. You say you have a lot of resentment. You say you're distant from your mom and wish she'd respect your feelings.</p>

<p>Drop the "see a doctor" thing and focus instead on your relationship with your mom right now. Don't say "don't smoke" or "don't eat red meat." It's not your life, it's hers. Don't focus on what you can't control, focus on what you can.</p>

<p>What you can control is your reaction to your mom. Instead of thinking about how you wish she'd change, think about what you enjoy about her. Try to do more of those things.</p>

<p>There's a wonderful book called "Don't Shoot the Dog" by Karen Pryor. It's sort of about dog training, but mostly it's about training anything with a nervous system (from a fish to a person) using positive training methods. Turns out positive methods work better than negative methods. So when your mom is smoking, instead of saying "don't smoke"--trying to control her--you control yourself. You leave. You can warn her: "I don't like smoke. If you put it out, I won't have to leave." Then you leave. Her reward for not smoking is that you're friendly, you stay, she gets your nonjudgmental company.</p>

<p>You want your mom to change. It's not likely you can MAKE her change; the old cliche "change comes from within" is too true. You can change YOURSELF and how you react to your mom; that may inspire her to change.</p>

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<p>Your post makes me so sad, and reminds me so of my own mother. Luckily for me I have 6 siblings, so we all had a different method of dealing with her. My sister (a physician) did everything to get her to stop smoking (got her the gum, the pills, the encouragement, etc) and basically annoyed the hell out of my Mom! Did not work. My Mom was a really anxious person (also a nurse, and married to a doctor) and I think smoking calmed her down. She feared going to any doctor, because she assumed she would be told she had lung cancer and of course it would be her own fault. She did NOT get cancer, she got emphysema instead; then she had to quit smoking because she could hardly breathe. This was an active woman (gardening, taking care of grandchildren, she even went rollerblading with me when she was in her 60's!)
who could no longer go to the grocery store without help. I honestly don't know how to deal with it; I do not actually regret that I didn't try harder to get her to quit smoking earlier. Your Mom is a nurse, so she knows the dangers (as did mine); I guess I would tell you to just let her know she has your support, and talk to her about the depression issue; her knowing that you care enough to have noticed may motivate her. But I do think that a big factor for my own mother was that she felt so incredibly guilty that she was doing it to herself, that she couldn't bring herself to see a doctor (despite being married to one) Good luck.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the input. I'm hearing that basically all I can/should do is tell her I love her and hope for the best. </p>

<p>Good points about how she probably doesn't want to hear that she needs to quit smoking and lose weight. Also about being terrified of the doctor... That is valid and understandable. But it <em>is</em> my life, in a way: since I am the only child, the burden of care will be entirely on me. </p>

<p>BalletMom, my mom isn't a nurse, not sure where you got that (she works in retail management), but you're right, I'm sure she's aware of the risks of her behaviors. And guilt probably has a lot to do with her doctor avoidance. All her family, however, lives abroad, and since she works so much, she has few friends. I don't have siblings or close cousins I can rely on, so I think this is going to be about positive reinforcement on my end and making sure she knows she is loved and needed.</p>

<p>Thanks again for the input.</p>

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<p>Are there any low key ways you could get her to start exercising, for example, would she enjoy having a dog to walk, or could you invite her to take some walks with you?</p>

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<p>On another note, if anyone sees this, I'm also interested in what other students do who have unhealthy parents. I've read a few threads telling about lots of sacrifices and love for parents with terminal illnesses, lots of debate on whether to stay in school or come home for what may be the last weeks. But how do students get through something like this, like watching their parent essentially kill themselves? How do only children? Northeastmom was lucky, she hasn't had to yet; BalletMom has a large family to share the responsibility and pain. But what about other people?</p>

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<p>Kate, since you are understandably concerned about eventually becoming responsible for your mother, perhaps you need to address this aspect with her. There is an excellent program called "5 Wishes" about advance care planning (info available here: Aging</a> With Dignity ), an issue that adults of all ages should address. It's a simple, non-threatening, straightforward booklet that serves as a legal document in (I think) 46 states, in which the person outlines his/her wishes regarding a health care proxy, end-of-life care, etc. </p>

<p>I think dmd77's post above is absolutely on the money. You cannot make your mother behave in the way you wish she would. Also - it's an unfortunate truth that many people have excellent health habits, see physicians regularly, exercise, eat well, don't smoke - and still wind up with chronic or life-threatening diseases. Preventive medical care can prevent mortality in many cases, but it does not necessarily prevent disease.</p>

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<p>Physician here. My mother, the smoker, died suddenly at age 53 while I was a resident. I had talked to them only a few days earlier as I was concerned about something with my father. Years later my physician H and I had trouble convincing my father to see a doctor in his city- we knew his chest pains were significant. You can't make your parents do anything any more than they can make you do anything. The best thing to do is to enjoy their positive qualities and let them enjoy your company- on the phone/in e-mail/in person without lecturing them. Now that I'm older I realize how I got to this point, what I should do and why I do/don't do it/them. There are many reasons your mother is what she is and won't/can't change. Nagging is the best way to prevent change. Showing your love is the nicest thing you can do- something you will never regret if she lives forever or not. I'm sure your mother is afraid of what will be found out if she sees a doctor. The best chance you have to get her to see a physician is to have a nice long conversation one time only in which you may convince her to go- such a conversation should be back and forth so she understands why you want her to see a doctor and you understand why she won't go. After this let the matter drop and accept her for who she is and not for what you want her to be.</p>

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<p>Kate--my dad died from smoking/drinking related causes when he was 47. I was 14. So, you'd think I'd be right there with you, but I actually had a different reaction than you might expect to your post.</p>

<p>Your mom is who she is. What she should have is love for the person she is, not judgmentalism and resentment. As long as the information that could help her is available, I would leave it at that, especially as you say your parents have the financial position to take care of health issues as they come up. Your concern, at least in the post, seems to be more about how her decisions affect you, not her. This may not actually be the case, but it's how it reads to me. It might be the message she gets from you, too.</p>

<p>I was resentful and judgmental toward my dad when I was 14. I hope that, if I'd had the chance to know him at 21, I would have begun to outgrow those feelings.</p>

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<p>It sounds to me like you're the one being selfish. You're only thinking about what will happen should you <em>have</em> to take care of your mother...you don't seem to care one whit what she wants. I agree with garland.</p>

<p>What if something were to happen to her tomorrow and she died? Wouldn't you feel bad at all about spending all your time worrying about what MIGHT happen in the future instead of loving your mom for who she is?</p>

<p>Another thing to consider: She spent years taking care of you, and yet you're worrying about possibly having to be her caretaker later on in life?</p>

<p>Yeah, she's the one who's selfish all right.</p>

<p>I'm sorry if this sounds rude or harsh, but I really think you need to stop focusing on yourself.</p>

14

<p>Kateofthelibrary--</p>

<p>I can relate (been there, experienced that), I just happen to now be within a few years of your parents' age.</p>

<p>It is very difficult to understand why a parent doesn't care enough to try to stay healthy. But, the hardest part may be for the child to accept that it is not as it seems--that the parents do not value you enough to want a long and healthy life with you in it. They probably really do love you (including your dad).</p>

<p>Parents are just people and have their own problems: weight, substance addictions (including cigarettes) depression, bad (or hollow) marriage, boring job, etc. And they really can mess it up. Being a parent does not come with any guarantee of special insight about oneself.</p>

<p>I suggest talking to your mother. Tell her that you love her and are concerned about her health and her lack of attention to getting regular check-ups. It is not only not "selfish" to be aware of and act on your concerns, it is healthy for you to do so. In my experience and opinion, one of the worse things that the child can do is NOT say something. If you don't say something, then when they die you get to second guess yourself about whether they might have changed if you had said something.</p>

<p>I personally might use this as a time to look long and hard at the estrangement with your dad, if for no other reason than you might be able to enlist him to work with you and your mother on these issues. I suggest you consider making the effort to work on that relationship, once again for no other reason than to avoid the "if only" issue later on.</p>

<p>Remember, these efforts may not be successful. A scary part of being a child, especially an only child, is that when the parents are dead, you are "on your own" in a way that just is different than when they are alive, but you and they are not close. You are correct that an out of the ordinary, early death of a parent is a major blow to the child.</p>

<p>You have been successful in providing yourself with a college education (through merit scholarships). Take some comfort that you (at a young age) have shown that you can thrive on your own. It is cold comfort at your age, but it may be all you get when the partents are "lost" in their own unhappiness. </p>

<p>The redeeming thought is that you don't have to do the same thing when you have children. When my S was born it brought back a lot of old memories about this subject. I have made it a point to work diligently to stay in shape because (1) I feel much better, (2) I DO want to be around to watch him live his life (and hopefully be part of that life) and (3) I remember exactly the feelings you are expressing.</p>

<p>Good luck, and remember, YOU didn't cause your mom to be this way.</p>

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<p>My Dad is a bi-polar, alcoholic/ prescription drug addict. I didn't learn until my late thirties that it was futile for me to try to get him to do anything to change. Like wis75 said you can't get your mom to do anything she doesn't want to do. I don't think that you are intentionally being self-centered but I do agree with garland and grace that your focus should be on building some kind of relationship with her not on changing her. I also get where you are coming from re resentment. </p>

<p>It's one thing to be put into a care taker position of a parent who develops a disease in spite of a healthy lifestyle and quite another to find yourself in that position when the parent willfully abandoned what she knew were healthy behaviors. I'm not saying it's the best way to feel I am just saying that it is understandable..</p>

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<p>You could consider counseling to address your own built-up resentment. Addressing and reducing your resentment can help make you better equipped to help your mom, and to accept the situation if she still chooses not to change.</p>

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<p>dmd77, What a wonderful post!</p>

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<p>Ok - from the other side.
I know that I do things that are not healthy. I know that I slip up and have a very hard time loosing the weight. Stress and work tempt the food and smoking and I have weak will power. I do not need my daughter harping on it. It is scary to go to the doctor when I believe all he is going to do is tell me the same things I already know - I need to loose weight and stop smoking. But I don't think I have the will power to do it. Every time I think about it I eat more and smoke more. Then you have to do all those separate testing appointments. Each one takes so long and I will miss so much work and what good is it to know anyhow. Look at what happened to my friend. Just the thought depresses me. You gotta go somehow so let me enjoy it my way. I like my lifestyle. </p>

<p>And that is the key - the whole thing probably depresses her and makes taking action on her own impossible. fendrock had the right idea. Can you start walking with her? 2 things it will do . Start her on the path to one good habit and start to open the conversation door. Walking is a good way to have time to talk about all kinds of things. You can ask questions and listen instead of nagging. Eventually cover the topics in a non-threatening way. Talk about your own Dr appointment coming up - you have one right?. Ask if she wants one too and you can go together. Make sure ahead of time that your doctor will NOT lecture about weight and smoking but just give some positive small steps and suggestions. Go over and fix dinner some time or have them over with one new healthy recipe dish that is easy to make. You can even make it with red meat, just different. Don't harp on it, just fix it. If you don't know how, get a resource like weight watchers or e-diet or South Beach diet to go by. You can't look for big sudden changes, but you can be a friendly change agent. Then let go.</p>

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<p>very well put^^^</p>

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<p>
[quote]
But how do students get through something like this, like watching their parent essentially kill themselves? How do only children? Northeastmom was lucky, she hasn't had to yet; BalletMom has a large family to share the responsibility and pain. But what about other people?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think that you need to sort out your feelings. Are you afraid of losing your mother, and the resposibilities of adult life without her support? It sounds to me like you are almost panicked about losing your mother in the very near future. I do think that is a natural fear. Many people in their 20s don't feel that they can stand on their own 2 feet without a family support system. I think this all very normal. If this is true for you, perhaps you could talk with your mom about your fears. Maybe she would be willing to go to a doctor, even if it is with the purpose of making you feel less anxiety. The side benefit is that she will get some medical attention. Nobody from a loving home, wants to lose their parent/s. I don't think that you are the only one with these feelings. You sound like you love your mom, want her, and need her in your life.</p>