<p>Hi guys. I just need some advice on my personal statements for the UC application. So far I only completed the first question. I will update the other two as soon as I am done with them. Keep in mind that I am applying for Religious Studies major and please advise on how good it is. Thanx.</p>
<p>Question 1: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college? *</p>
<p>I remember waking up on the day of my tenth birthday scrambling to check what the time was to find out whether the allotted time for the first prayer of the day for Muslims was over. It turns out, it was more then 5 hours since the time passed and I distintinctly remember the pain and agony it had caused me because I started to cry so loud that my parents had to come and tell me that I still had one more day until it would become a must for me to pray. From that point on I knew that religion would play a substantial part of my life. </p>
<p>As a pious young Muslim, I was disappointed to find that there was no Islamic or religious class at my high school. So I sought out religious clubs such as the Muslim Student Association and Interfaith club and dedicated a significant amount of my time to help them grow. The hard work and dedication I put into all my classes including the AP and Honors courses were all just a means for me to get accepted into a prestigious college in order to further support the awareness of religion and God. Community service was a way for me to show the world that manners and giving assistance to others is a big part of who I am because of my religion.</p>
<p>it's a good topic, however your essay is not very fluid, and you don't talk much about what you did in those clubs and how they helped you go more into detail on how this changed you as a person, remember passion, passsion, passion!</p>
<p>thanx for the reply. please more feedback needed.
Also, i didnt go that much into detail because i was planning on making that my 200 word essay but i might make it the 600 word one.</p>
<p>There are some run on sentences - i.e.
"It turns out, it was more then 5 hours since the time passed and I distintinctly remember the pain and agony it had caused me because I started to cry so loud that my parents had to come and tell me that I still had one more day until it would become a must for me to pray."</p>
<p>That's all one sentence! You could split it with some periods, like after "since the time passed"</p>
<p>I agree with dubya - long sentences show artfulness and craftmanship with words, but these people are reading how many essays a day? Use varied sentence length - short sentences in between long ones - to keep the reader interested.</p>
<p>"...dedicated a significant amount of my time to help them grow..." Might want to get more specific here as avet123 said. You don't even need to mention the clubs you were involved in because (I'm assuming) you've got it listed under the activity section of your app. Instead, mention ONE with an example of how you made a significant contribution to the it. </p>
<p>I guess I'm the opposite of the other posters in that I like the first paragraph more than the second one. But if it's your 200 word essay, it might have to be condensed to make room for a stronger argument in the second paragraph by going into detail.</p>
<p>Here is my second essay: Potential to Contribute.</p>
<p>The awareness of God’s existence and my piety, good manners, and religious practices are few of the things I have to offer because of my religion. My morals and knowledge of my religion are also factors that other students at the university can benefit from. My god-given talent of being able to read what type of people I am dealing with helps me in communicating with others. Social skills, manners, and morals are crucial things I acquired from my religion. Being able to offer other students and staff with the knowledge I have acquired can only be beneficial. </p>
<p>Most of the knowledge I have acquired about my religion is from the two weeks I spent with other pious Muslims. We spent time everyday discussing, preaching, and helping each other understand the true meaning of being a Muslim and how to be kind and generous towards others. Being kind, generous and having a helping nature is something every Muslim including myself strives for. My vast knowledge about life and religion in particular can definitely benefit other students of all types.</p>
<p>The second essay is almost identical to the first thematically. Show more diversity by picking something else to talk about to show that you're well rounded. I mean, if you're talking about religion in your long essay, it's going to be painfully clear that you're dedicated and that it makes up a huge part of your life. Colleges will receive that, but they want to know you've got other qualities as well to share.</p>