Unreasonable Parent: advice needed from other parents

Parents Forum
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<p>I have a problem. my dad is, well, to put it as simply as possible, a prestige-lover at its worst. not only does he insist that i go to a "top" school regardless of how much it fits me, but the only "top" schools in his mind are Harvard, Princeton, Yale, MIT, & Brown. Oh, and oddly enough, UVA, because his friend's daughter goes there. Basically, tho, he is set on me going to Harvard. Sounds like a stereotypical asian, but surprisingly he isn't. he is an immigrant, tho. The worst part is not that he wants me to go to a top school, it's his narrow view. I mentioned Dartmouth to him, and he asks what is that? I try to explain but he insits "who the heck know about dartmouth". </p>

<p>It is really annoying how small-minded he is. I understand that since he didn't go to school here, he doesn't know too much, but still it is getting ridiculous. He didn't even want me to go to Duke before, I don't know what changed his mind, but now it is semi-acceptable to him. Thankfully, my mother is better, but not by much; she didn't know how good of a school UPenn was..but I won't lie, she still would love for me to go to Harvard. </p>

<p>I don't know what to do about him. He is VERY stubborn. I haven't even told him much of where I am applying; frankly, I'm not prepared for the argument that is sure to come. My mom knows, and though she's not completely happy she trusts me. </p>

<p>I am planning on simply throwing in the common app applications to Harvard and some other schools simply to satisfy him; I am actually a pretty great student, & I have a decent shot at top schools, but I don't think I have a good enough shot at Harvard or Princeton, though I do somewhat like these schools. I already have a great list of top schools I love, including Brown, Georgetown, Duke, Penn, and UVA, along with some others. I was just wondering what your opinions as well-informed parents were? Should I just try to please my dad with the apps he wants, even though I know in the end it's mostly pointless and a waste of his money. I honestly have a miniscule chance at Harvard Yale and MIT, and I know that come April when I get those rejections he'll find excuses. (for example, my SAT2 Chem score, it is in the 700s but he got upset because iin the 75th percentile...) he is ureasonable. how can I get him to understand the caliber of these schools he wants me in and the ones I want? He seems to think that I am like a genius and that based on my SAT scores I will get in. This is a man who was upset with my 2100 SAT score...Thanks for any suggestions..</p>

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<p>Too low or too-high parental expectations are annoying, aren't they? But you are handling it in a wonderful way--preparing to send in a Common App to Harvard.</p>

<p>If you want him to get a reality check, let him look at this scattergram for a large public high school in the Northwest. For Harvard, the school submitted 57 applications and received three acceptances. Many of the applications had heartstopping stats. </p>

<p><a href="https://connection.naviance.com/fc/signin.php?hsid=garfield%5B/url%5D"&gt;https://connection.naviance.com/fc/signin.php?hsid=garfield&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Click on Guest
Click on Scattergrams
Look up Schools</p>

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<p>Why have a fight if it isn't necessary? Apply to the schools he likes and the schools you like and see what happens. It seems there is an overlap.</p>

<p>If you don't get into the schools he likes, he is not going to be able to argue, is he?</p>

<p>And you better find a couple of sure thing schools.</p>

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<p>I am a parent but I like to think that I am reasonable. Wake up to your reality. Unless you are prepared to pay tuition, the Bank of DAD is what you have. Out of your Dad's limited choices, I am biased that you should go UVA. It is not odd at all. UVA has been consistently listed as the number one or number two state school with U of Berkelye for 25 years (longer than you have been alive)</p>

<p>UVA will satisfy your Dad and more likely than not pleasantly surprise you. The student body ranges from ultra preppy to "beatnik" (look it up on Google)
Why do I know? My son, who had a perfect SAT score, chose UVA and is loving it due to the teachers and the environment. Hey do the Aikdo way, and just go with the flow. BONUS: If you apply to MALONE for housing as freshman, you can be pretty much guaranteed a SINGLE room with A/C. refrig/microwave, carpenting just because it is the bastard step son of HEREFORD, It will cost your Dad an extra $240 year, but what do you care? Plus with over a hundred steps from Main Campus, the drunks just pass out at the bottom and your dorm is puke free.</p>

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<p>Thanks, I am just worried that in a while, as I end in more applications, he'll start to refuse to pay the app fees for schools "beneath" him - ie, BC, Dartmouth... </p>

<p>Don't worry, I have safeties, but of course, he doesn't even register the need for them. Seriously..</p>

<p>UVA is pretty fine by me, but it is by no means my top choice, or anywhere near it... </p>

<p>and thanks for the website, cheers, I'll check it out :)</p>

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<p>It's easy to tank an application. I dont' see any reason to kowtow to Dad if you are choosing similarly rigorous institutions.</p>

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<p>You could schedule a meeting with your school counselor, and bring your dad to the meeting. Maybe he will be more willing to accept information/opinion coming from an "official" source...</p>

<p>If you don't mind applying to Harvard/Princeton/MIT, just send your application. There is a good chance you will not get in, and it will bring this argument to a close.</p>

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<p>Oh, I don't want to sound rude, but my counselor doesn't really know much. I go to a rural school with not much going for it. She didn't know where Duke was...</p>

<p>What do I do if he starts to refuse to pay my app fees? We aren't really well-off, actually according to the EFC calcs, our EFC is like $1000. What I'm saying i I understand if he doesn't want to spend too much, even though earlier my parents said they don't care how much all my apps will cost because it is for my future when I told them how much it'll cost for me to apply to say 10 -12 schools. However, now I'm worried they only meant this for schools that satisfy them..</p>

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<p>If it comes to that, you could promise him to return the money for the "extra" apps, then get a job over the summer and do just that.</p>

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<p>oh, what an obviously good idea nngmm... thanks haha. </p>

<p>i just checked and princeton and yale also accept the common app. i guess this will probably satisfy him. i guess the only problem will be if i end up getting into one he loves and one i love. oh god i don't want to think about that...</p>

<p>wish me luck ;) thanks everyone, though.</p>

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<p>lights out, with an efc of $1,000 maybe some schools won't charge you an application fee.</p>

<p>Try to find out. Maybe that information is on the schools' web sites.</p>

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<p>With an EFC of only $1000, what to do about the application fees is a no-brainer. You simply request a fee waiver. However, you need to ask yourself what you would do if you actually got admitted to Harvard. Would your dad insist that you go? If he did, would you be happy? If not, don't apply. If he insists, you can easily craft an application that will get you rejected.</p>

<p>If you ask for (and are granted, which I assume you will be) fee waivers, you do NOT need your parent's signatures for applications and can apply to wherever you wish, provided, of course, your parents would come up with the EFC to go there. </p>

<p>Finally, are there other parents or a pastor or another adult who could speak with your dad on your behalf? Perhaps another adult's perspective will help him understand. Of course, this is not always true. A friend of my D's mother insisted that she apply to a specific Ivy League school and was convinced that it would accept her (her uncle graduated from there)...it seemed that EVERYONE else, including the guidance counselor, knew that the girl did not have the qualifications for acceptance. Her insisted that she apply to only two schools, the Ivy League school and U of Michigan. She didn't get accepted to either and is now commuting to a local college from home. Such a shame, when there were certainly other colleges that would have been a good fit for this girl.</p>

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<p>Really? I didn't think I qualified for a fee waiver since our income is like 45,000... this efc is going to change by my sophmore yr since my dad was unemplyed half this yr, which is why our efc is expected to be so low for next yr (or so i thought...) does anyone know?</p>

<p>also I just uncovered another problem. harvard, yale, and princeton all require 3 SAT2's... i only have 2. man, i would prefer not to take another one, esp. since it is all just a scheme to please my dad, but I guess I must. What would happen if I only sent in 2scores? Would i auotmatically get a reject letter? It would save me so much time and effort, esp since I am extremely busy between now and the Jan test date, but I would feel pretty bad doing it...</p>

<p>wow, quiltguru, thank you for that story. you have made me so much more thankful for my father :)</p>

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<p>Its rather late for your FA to get involved in "picking" colleges for you. I'd suggest getting some books from library about admissions. I'd research how many kids from your HS actually were accepted into Harvard, etc. I'd show him scattergrams of scores, etc, from some of his chosen schools. Of course, first I'd put my energy into getting applications out with the fee waivor. I'd sign up sor SAT 2.
If you post which state you live in, and your interests, perhaps some wise parents could offer you suggestions. Your FA could be shown that list</p>

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<p>If you live in a rural district, your school might not keep scattergrams. All the more reason to click onto the one I listed above to see the competition. You might have a slight advantage over the students in that scattergram--but it would be very slight.</p>

<p>Also, have you thought about applying for merit scholarships? You might pm curmudgeon to ask for more advice on that subject.</p>

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<p>lights_out, I think you should tell your dad that you don't think you can get into HYP etc, but will apply so long as he agrees that you can apply to at least an equal number of "safety" schools. Tell him that you agree that the schools he likes are better, but that you need to have some schools as a backup in case you don't get in. Don't argue about the quality of the school or the choice, just relate stories about kids that didn't get in anywhere. Also, you might tell them that you have heard that you can get some colleges to increase their financial aid awards if you have a better award to show them from a different school, so its a good idea to apply to more schools to improve your negotiating position for financial aid. (Another half-truth -- but an argument that might hold sway with a parent with limited income).</p>

<p>As far as the SAT II's go -- if you don't want those schools, then leave things as they are -- if you get rejected because you don't have the required test scores, that will be fine with you and your father will be none the wiser.</p>

<p>If your father still refuses, then you will need to ask your guidance counselor for fee waivers from the relevant schools -- or apply to some different schools that offer some sort of free application. Tulane & Brandeis are two possible match/safety schools for you that offer early, expedited consideration along with a no-fee application to selected students -- I think you just need to let the admissions department know that you are seriously interested in applying to get one of their offers. There are many other schools that may be matches or safeties for you that offer free or reduced fee applications for on line subissions. </p>

<p>It's probably a good idea to check into fee waivers anyway, given your family's financial circumstances. My daughter used waivers for most of her schools; the g.c. does have some leeway to consider individual circumstances when using the NACAC form.</p>

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<p>oh no, most kids from my school end up going to lower-end schools in virginia... yea, I checked out that site; to me it's amazing that they have that many top students. and it was such a huge school! mine only has around 700, so it is tough to compare the two. </p>

<p>Bookworm, it's hard to say he 'just got involved'... he's the kind of parent who has dreamt of their kid going to harvard ever since they were born..</p>

<p>merit scholarships - do you mean specific to institutions? I have applied for some already. my dad is also unreasonable withthat as well. He seems to think I have a shot at full ride scholarships at Duke,whereas I honestly know that school is somewhat of a reach for me, so there's no way I am going to win a scholarship, aside from financial aid...</p>

<p>I am honestly worried about this SAT2 right now, because I am going to be dealing with applications and scholarships all the way up to and through January.... the problem is i already took the 2 I felt I would do the best in. And my dad keeps going on about how my "75th percentile" (720) in chemistry is going to kill me. He is going to point to that as my reason for not getting into Harvard. Should I take it again just to please him? I am pretty satisfied with my score, it's not stellar, but I haven't taken chem in a year, and I managed the score with a couple days of a prep book... I could do better but personally I have better things to do right now...</p>

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<p>Thanks Calmom - your 'truths' are a great idea. do i just check with m guidance counselor on fee waivers? Do you happen to have any idea how many I get? I know there's a limit for SAT's...</p>

<p>Just to clarify. If I don't submit the required test scores, I'll get a standard rejection letter? No "missing materials" note or anything?</p>

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<p>Percentiles don't mean much on SAT IIs. Just show your dad that 800 on Math II is something like 80th, and 800 on Korean is 70th, if not lower. 720 on Chem is not going to keep you out of any school.</p>

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<p>I think its probably too late to take any more SAT's at this point -- I don't think any college will consider SATs taken after December. I have no clue whether they will ask for missing scores -- I'm not even sure they will necessarily reject students who don't have all three scores. I mean, if there was a brilliant student with 800's on other SATs & glowing recommendations and amazing accomplishments.... Harvard might just overlook the fact that a test was missing. </p>

<p>Anyway... since you don't expect to get in or particularly want to attend your father's dream school, I wouldn't worry about it. If your father is so darned concerned about your chemistry score, maybe he can take the test and go to Harvard instead. It's his dream, not yours, and sooner or later he is going to have to grow up and get used to the fact that you are a separate person.</p>

<p>Sorry to be so blunt -- I know it is hurtful to you when your dad finds fault with you and criticizes your score -- but you are going to have to simply try to tune him out and focus on your match & safety schools. He's going to have to face reality in April.</p>

<p>As to the fee waivers -- there is no limit to the number of fee waivers that can be given using the NACAC form, which is different than the College Board form -- but its up to your guidance counselor to decide whether to sign them for you. So you really need to go to him and find out what is possible.</p>