Unsure how to handle daughter's mental health issues--what comes next?

Parents Forum
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Hi all–it’s been a long while since I last posted here. My twins graduated from college a couple of years ago, and my youngest (DD20) is currently a junior at Pitt.

DD20 called today to let me know she needs to come home. She’s struggled with depression and anxiety (and ADD) since starting at Pitt two years ago, and she’s held on through a combination of therapy, meds, family support, and sheer bravado. She no longer feels able to cope, and I’m proud of her for realizing she needs help. Had we known she’d be stricken with depression & anxiety, we’d have collectively decided she should attend college closer to home (Maryland), but she was generally fine until fall 2016.

I’m not sure what comes next. I know there are posters here who’ve dealt with mental health issues relating to their children, and I’d love support. DD20 desperately wants to earn her college degree and is upset that she has to take this step.

I’ve been in touch with Pitt to request medical leave, and I’m waiting to hear back from someone (I left a message this afternoon). DD20 has texted the person from whom she’s subletting an apartment, just in case a new tenant can be found; I realize we’re responsible for paying the rent through December 31, though. (It was only a fall sublet, because DD20 had intended to study abroad in the spring.)

I know there needs to be a plan. We’ll all be meeting with DD20’s local therapist ASAP, and I know DD20 should have responsibilities. Nothing is worse for depression than sleeping all day and having no plans or goals (I take meds for depression, so I have experience with this awful disease).

Should she work part- or full-time? Should she begin classes at a local college in the spring? Should she take only 1 class at a time?

She was a top student in her science/tech high school, but the mental health issues have taken their toll. Her cumulative GPA is now 2.94 as a Biological Sciences major, and at least one class likely won’t transfer (a D in Calculus). She has 75 credits, or 71 credits minus the Calculus class. Even though she was originally admitted to University of Maryland College Park, it seems unlikely they’d accept her as a transfer student without a sky-high GPA, right? What should she do in order to look attractive to colleges as a transfer student? She doesn’t want to take too much time off, as momentum is important to her.

Deeply grateful thanks for any and all suggestions!

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First, take a deep breath. You have my sympathy. You don’t need to deal with her future right now, even though I know that you don’t want her to lose any ground.

The most important thing is to get her well. Try to get whatever money back you can from the school and then, when she is at home, evaluate her for mood and general health. Get her to a good psychiatrist and therapist. Meet with them separately and see what they have to say. You will need permission (HIPAA waiver) from your daughter.

Your daughter does have a future. It’s hard to see what it is right now, but she will eventually make her way once she is well.

3

Thank you…I’m trying to breathe. Yes, I’ll work on financial and her mental health issues first. I’ll be sure she updates her HIPAA waiver for me.

4

Hugs. D came close to leaving school a few times.

You Ds doctors will hopefully also have suggestions related to treatment and lifestyle.

For my D, I was researching outpatient services where she would go for several hours of the day and sleep at home.

5

I hadn’t considered outpatient services–thanks for the suggestion. She always seems better at home & then she decompensates when she’s away. It’s an added stress that her ADD prevents her from studying as well as she likes (though she takes meds & also has allowances through the disability services). This is extremely tough. She’s the youngest of four, and I’ve never had this particular challenge.

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I know a chemistry major who had to leave college just months short of graduating because of depression. She stayed home for about 6 months, got therapy and medication, and then was considered well enough to return and repeat the courses needed to graduate. After graduation she enrolled in a masters program in a related but less taxing subject and has almost finished. Sometimes it is just a matter of having a little time off to get in better shape, and then they can continue on. I hope that turns out to be the case with your daughter too.

As a side note for other parents whose kids are just starting college, I just want to mention that it is also a common thing among anxious but normal students who don’t have a serious mental health problem to call up their parents in the first or second year of college and tell their parents that they are not smart enough to be in college and have to quit and come home. For those kids the remedy is to tell them to stick it out until the end of the term and then look at their situation again. For those kids, having them come home would be a mistake. Usually it turns out that they can survive and do well enough after all, and that they have just misjudged how well they were doing. Obviously it is important to know which type of child you are dealing with.

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Ultimately she hopes to earn a graduate degree, so I know she’s hoping this is simply a detour/bump in the road. I appreciate your advice!

8

When/if she is ready to try a 4 year school again, you have other decent options in MD that might work with her GPA. UMBC and St. Mary’s College Of MD come to mind.

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After she has pulled herself together, have her look at what UMUC has to offer. A lot of the classes can be taken in online format, but there also are live classes at various locations around the state. If you are in Montgomery County, she also could check out the various programs offered at the Universities at Shady Grove. Those options would allow her to commute, rather than requiring that she live farther from home.

10

So she took a leave and didn’t drop out entirely? Is the leave for one semester?

I would put educational concerns aside for the fall months. Getting meds right would be a priority- and exercise, other things that can help depression.

Maybe she could give herself time to volunteer sparingly (an animal shelter?), take a tai chi or dance class (both good for depression in different ways), learn to knit, do art, whatever helps.

If her depression is really persistent, there are partial hospital programs as well as, obviously, inpatient.

If she feels better, she may want to return to Pitt. If not, then there are so many options out there, online, low residency and continuing ed or degree completion programs. Some of our kids returned to their original schools after a leave, and some changed things up entirely and worked, taking classes very part-time.

I assume Pitt has some requirements for reentering. If that involves a work requirement, see if volunteering can count, unless working appeals to her. Often there is a reentry interview with the school’s MD. But those concerns are down the road.

Many of us have been through this and can tell you that things turn out okay, they really do. Things might be different than originally envisioned but that’s okay too.

Being in pain is not okay and first priority is to deal with that.

11

As others have said, the first step is to figure out what is going on. What made her decide that she could no longer cope with school. Are the meds not working? Does she have the tools she needs to combat any anxiety and depression that come up, even on medication?

I would anticipate that she might not be motivated to do much for the first week or so, except sleep and decompress. Of course having her see her at-home therapist and seeing her medication management doctor is critical.

If she takes a medical leave, she can go back to Pitt, if she wants to. She may be eligible to transfer to UMdCP, but whether that is a good fit may depend on whether the large college environment was part of the difficulty. If so, there are lots of other choices like UMBC or some other state schools.

All the best to you and your daughter in this trying time. Many young adults conquer mental health challenges and go on to happy. healthy lives. I am glad your daughter is insightful enough to recognize she needed help and reach out.

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I genuinely appreciate the kind words and encouragement. I believe she feels better after friends and relatives have weighed in regarding how long it took them to get through college. Her siblings have comforted her as well.

I wish UMUC were a suitable option, except part of her anxiety centers on computers & online access. She avoids anything technological, choosing to rely on old-school textbooks and classroom learning. As long as UMUC requires online participation (which they do, even with their “hybrid” classes), it’s off the table.

She loves everything about Pitt–classes, environment, friends–but her depression sets in and everything else goes haywire. The hardest thing for her is leaving a place she cherishes. She’s also having to give up studying abroad next semester, so it was definitely an adult, brave choice for her to put her mental health first. I’m proud of her for that.

She believes her meds aren’t working properly, and in fact, she’s never found the right balance of meds. It’s been 2 years of trying various brands and dosages, but so far nothing has been successful to ward off the depression.

After a medical leave, will Pitt require a medical authorization for her to return? This is all new to me. I thought I had the college thing covered! :slight_smile:

Thanks all.

13

I would be cautious about believing that she’s actually feeling better after encouragement and emotional support. She might intellectually believe it, but depression and anxiety are pernicious things and the physical symptoms can swamp what the intellectual side of the brain is thinking. It’s very possible she’s just feeling better overall from a mood swing, and the pendulum will swing the other way for no rhyme or reason.

You really need to view this as a journey, probably a lifelong journey. Slow and steady keeps you in the race, but it’s not even a race, really. She’s done racing her peers and is now walking the track at her own pace. Relax on the messages and thoughts about planning a return to school. Discuss it if it makes her feel better, but personally I’d be neutral in general and leading with the “get better and stable first, then assess” message. The good news is you have a solid 6-9 months with her at home to get stable before needing to decide about returning for Fall 2019.

Getting involved in something she likes while at home will definitely be helpful. But it should be her choice and absolutely needs to be something she enjoys. Working with an animal shelter was mentioned and that’s a fantastic idea. Have her try yoga which has been proven to help with depression and anxiety. If not yoga then some other type of exercise that she likes. Take her lead there and encourage but don’t push (pushing can cause anxiety).

Regarding meds, a genetic test might be helpful. One example is genesight.com, there are others out there and her psychiatrist might have their own favorite service. It’s not a silver bullet, but genetic testing can at least provide a starting point instead of the slow-motion random guessing that seems to be the current state of the art when it comes to depression and anxiety meds.

Different schools have different leave/return policies. Your best bet is to either check Pitt’s website or give them a call. You should also research their accommodations for students with mental health issues. It may be that your daughter can take a lighter load when she returns. That would add some time, but a lighter load might be easier for her to handle if she’s still experiencing mood swings and anxiety.

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Thanks, anomander. Yes, I’ll be sure to back off on planning a return back to school. She’s worked with the disability office for the last two years and already receives accommodations, and Pitt has been exceptionally helpful across the board. DD20 enjoys yoga, and I’ll encourage her to continue once she’s home. What an excellent idea re: genesight. I appreciate your help!

15

I can’t comment on the depression and anxiety issues. I hope she has worked with a really good therapist and get well soon.I agreed that you need to help her find out the underlying factor.

As far as you mentioned transferring to U of Maryland and was concerned with her GPA. Given U of Maryland is a state U, does it have auto admit agreement with local CC ? or does it recognize CC credit? May be she can use the CC credits to pull up her GPA after she has dealt with the mental issue.

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I can sympathize, @JenPam. Our S16 has struggled with depression and anxiety as well. He went to Temple his freshman year with a big scholarship, but completely crashed and burned. A battery of tests revealed a disability in written communication, which explained why he stopped turning in assignments in high school. He’s been working sporadically the past year and a half, but now appears ready to give college another try. He’s looking at McDaniel College, which has a reputation as a good school for kids with LD. We hope that he will be eligible for the 25K scholarship they give to children of educators (or other school employees) in spite of his disastrous freshman year. Best of luck to your daughter; I know first hand what depression and anxiety can do to a person. It looks like she is motivated to finish school, so maybe after treatment she’ll be ready to finish up. Our S18 also deals with anxiety, but he has a therapist in his college town that he started working with his first week there.

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@JenPam: Exercise may help. Daily exercise. Should be as automatic as brushing one’s teeth every morning.

Lots of positive comments.

Ask her to take the minimum number of hours so that she can understand the importance of daily exercise.

If she is switching medications or increasing doses of current medications, keep her close to home & closely monitored.

You can trust exercise, positive comments & a warm, welcoming environment.

You are a great parent.

18

OP- hugs to you. I applaud you for reaching out; it’s so hard to get support in real life (I hope you have it) so at least hearing from others that this is a journey and not a race must help you affirm what you need to do.

I don’t have a lot of practical suggestions except one general thought- try not to endorse/echo the type of catastrophic thinking you are hearing from your D. Study abroad is NOT “off the table”, it’s just the timetable has changed. Online learning is NOT something which doesn’t work for her- it’s just not a practical idea for her right now. She doesn’t have to “give up” on Pitt, which she loves- she’s just taking time to pause. Etc.

People who are in the throes of depression get stuck in these binary models- good and bad, successful or loser. Real life is much more nuanced. It won’t help your D to be at home thinking “I’ve blown my chance to graduate from Pitt. I’ll never study abroad. I can’t take classes online. I’m a loser”. If you can help adjust her thinking- this is a bump in the road, and a change in timetable, not a radical makeover of her entire life’s dreams and plans, I think you can help her get comfortable with being at home (for now) a lot faster.

AND- people change. Someone who is a die hard Luddite who hates technology can learn to embrace digital (I know many). People who have terrible triggers for their anxiety (driving on highways, flying, pets) don’t have to become long distance truckers, airline pilots, or vets, but they CAN overcome their issues enough to get comfortable with these triggers. The world is filled with people who have (with therapy, meds, alternative treatments and behavior modification) mastered experiences and things and triggers which used to be detrimental.

So get out of the binary hole. And for yourself- do YOU have a walking/talking partner who can listen sympathetically a few times a week?

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I specialize in helping students return to school after interruptions due to mental illness, substance abuse, disciplinary problems, etc. College will still be there when she’s ready to continue. Just focus on her recovery right now. Message me if you’d like to talk further. Good luck to you.

20

If she’s interested and if you can afford it, your D might want to consider getting an instructor certification. IIRC the standard one is a 200-hour certification and takes a few months, I think runs around 1.5-2k. It’ll give her some structure and a clear goal while she’s at home, she’ll make some good friends during the training, and hopefully afterward can start teaching a class or two which will be great for her self-esteem and fitness and keeping her on a schedule.