<p>I am a transfer applicant from New Jersey to USC Marshall for Fall 2008.</p>
<p>Please read my essay to the following prompt:</p>
<p>** Newton’s First Law of Motion states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force. Tell us about an external influence (a person, an event, etc.) that affected you and how it caused you to change direction **</p>
<p>I would VERY STRONGLY suggest that you take down your actual essay from this site (if you are still able to) and if not pleed with a moderator to do it for you. (even though its not their responsibility to do so they may if you ask especially nicely)</p>
<p>The way it is right now, anyone with an internet connection has the potential to steal your essay word for word and submit it as their own work. This is even more likely considering your applying to a prestigious school like USC; people will assume your bright and that you put alot of effort into the essay and are more likely to steal it.</p>
<p>Find posters you trust or atleast respect and PM it to them directly.</p>
<p>Use the thesaurus much? You run a high risk of sounding pretentious with so many uncommon words. Based on the info I have gathered about the whole "college essay" scheme, using big and impressive words does not help your chances, it actually hurts them because it makes you seem like you have somthing to cover up. And no offense but just after reading the first paragraph its very obvious to me that you did this.</p>
<p>Thats not to say you should limit your vocabulary to a middle school level, just that you should only use words your comfortable with and use on atleast a semi-regular basis.</p>
<p>As for the actual essay content, again no offense, (and i'm sorry for your misfortunes you have clearly had a difficult life) but it almost sounds like a pity plee. If I were you I would put alot less emphasis on the pit-falls you have encountered.</p>
<p>I don't think it sounded like a pity plea but you did try hard. I think it needed to sound a bit more personable, but I felt for your hardship.. and that's essentially what the prompt was. I think you should have emphasized how you transcended a bit more but overall I though it was fine. Don't worry.. :)</p>
<p>HealinOTheNation - Thank you very much for your comments. Apart from the words "serendipities" and "awry". The other vocabulary was all mine. I had to look for serendipities and awry - not in the thesarus but from my english professor.</p>
<p>Woman of Troy - I apologize that my essay was not too personable or pleasant to read.</p>
<p>So as far as the essay part is concerned - it is a rejection?</p>
<p>I wouldnt even want to make a guess if your in or not since I know nothing about the rest of your app, GPA, SATs, ECs, letters of Rec. The adcom at USC may like it, they may not. Over all its very well written, just think they recieve alot of essays very similar to it.</p>
<p>I like ur essay. I think in the beginning its kind of fancy but I liked ur ending.
I don't think u will get rejected for this essay. As HealingtheNation said its pretty well-written.
......I am also applying from a CC in NY to USC Marshall. On their essay they say if u have 3.6 and all the pre-req completed , than ur considered as a strong applicant.</p>
<ol>
<li>How many semesters have your been at CC for?</li>
<li>How long ago did you graduate high school?</li>
<li>How is your high school record and SATs/ACTs?</li>
</ol>
<p>Assuming those answers are somthing like:
1. More than two
2. Two
3. Atleast the low end of medicore</p>
<p>Then I feel very very confident that you will get in. I honestly think your GDP is above USC's average transfer applicants and above their average transfer matriculants. (is matriculant even a word? who knows)</p>
<ol>
<li><p>this is my fifth semester and I will have about 68 credits by the time I transfer to Marshall (56 earned plus 12 in progress) - I have completed all the prerequisites though including the optional managerial and financial accounting. Also, I will have my associates degree this semester.</p></li>
<li><p>I graduated from high 5 years ago (O-Levels). I was doing my A Levels when I immigrated from India to USA. I left my A - Level school 3 years ago.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>3) I have 3 A's (Economics, Hindi & Advanced Mathematics), 4 B's (Accounting, Chemistry, Mathematics, English), 1 C (Hinduism) and 2 D's (Indian studies, Physics) in University of Cambridge GCE O - Levels. I ranked 10th in a class of 40 students. It is one of the most prestigious schools in India (Hyderabad). In University of Cambridge International Examinations GCE AS Levels, I had an A in Accounting, B in English, C in Mathematics and D in Economics. At my current CC, I have all A's in the USC Marshall pre-requisites.</p>
<p>I too thought this essay sounded rather pretentious. You consistently chose "big" words where average words would have made a much easier, equally undestandable read. On a positive note, it's pretty obvious you put alot of time and thought into this essay. I only put about an hour into mine - not near enough time really. Your essay certainly wasn't poor quality: I don't think USC will deny you admission based on your essay.</p>
<p>I would be more concerned with raising your GPA than with an essay that you cannot change. You better plan on getting a 4.0 this semester and hope they do a spring grade request for you.</p>
<p>Whether the "big" words you used were out of the thesaurus or not, it <em>looks</em> like they were, and I agree with some of the other posters that this weakens the overall quality of your essay. A well-written essay has a lot to do with how well the writing "flows" for the reader, and your essay is not strong in that regard. However, your essay is not "bad": the ideas are concrete enough; a little polishing of the wording and making the essay more personable would have done wonders.</p>
<p>sorry - maple tree. again i didn't do it purposely. But the reason I am so concerned about this USC Marshall essay is because I applied to just USC and Berkeley and I am definitely getting rejected from Haas Berkeley.</p>
<p>No need to apologize for anything; you asked for feedback, so that's what people are giving.</p>
<p>I'm in the same boat as you - USC and Berkeley are the only 2 schools I really want to go to, and I'm really not feeling too confident about Berkeley. I think I have a better chance at USC, but really, who knows. Nothing left to do but wait.</p>
