<p>OK let me set up the scene for you:</p>
<p>A small group of people have been reading essays hours on end. They want something with content and as some stated, has great flow. A good essay connects with the reader, not to show an extensive vocabulary.</p>
<p>I am just being honest you lost the reader very early.</p>
<p>DJS3CA - Thanks for your honest comments.</p>
<p>So do you think that my essay was poor and might probably cause my rejection.</p>
<p>In a personal statement class they said that your essay will make or break you if you have a poor GPA.</p>
<p>I do not think your essay is poor, but I just think you needed to be more real and more personable.</p>
<p>I think DJS3CA is right ... i don't think the essay will impact ur decision. It clearly looks as u put a lot of work in that essay. Imo, trying hard is not bad at all. may be im wrong...</p>
<p>211 views...and just 4 reviews...</p>
<p>Please other viewers provide more feedback</p>
<p>It's not the fact that you used a thesaurus -- it's the fact that in some cases you just used words a bit differently than I would have. </p>
<p>" Repulse forces that have once caused awry"? Idk, never seen it used like that.</p>
<p>You used cliche's which aren't very popular =(. "where there's a will there's a way"?</p>
<p>Your voice just doesn't seem to connect with the reader. </p>
<p>Sorry, I think people have seen those big words before, and it's very hard to impress a reader with that kind of vocabulary. Especially the way you used some words. </p>
<p>Advice? Try writing the story in a memoir-ish way. Read Egger's and other memoir writers who've framed ideas in a context that's more reader-accessible. </p>
<p>I hope I haven't offended you, and I surely don't mean to imply that your chances are somehow diminished because of this essay. I'm not in any position to make those kinds of statements. </p>
<p>Best of Luck.</p>
<p>PM me i may be able to help :)</p>
<p>am i the only one that can't view the link? i'm very interested in this as i too applied for marshall</p>