USNA and significant others

Colleges and Universities A-Z Naval Academy - Annapolis
1

<p>Judging from the number of PM's I received after the post on S.O's on the count-down to I-Day thread, it seems more than a "few" of you are asking the question as to the mix of life as a plebe/Mid/on the yard and girlfriends.</p>

<p>I have forwarded the same message back to several of you now, and as the saying goes, where there's smoke there's fire, so I will assume there are more of you lurking out there curious but not quite ready to ask. </p>

<p>Ok, so here goes.
To those who have already received this, rest assured, your identify is safe - the names have been changed to protect the innocent! </p>

<hr>

<p>Re: In regards to S.O. </p>

<hr>

<p>The reality is that no matter the best of intent going into this, including respect for one's time, the reality for 98% of relationships is that the situation grows old- how quickly all depends on the individuals involved.</p>

<p>For most Mids, they tend to be the one "holding on." Their days are occupied with academics/activities that keep them busy, not much time to socialize. There are female Mids you can meet, but not many will date one (lots of reasons- not that they are not "date material" because they certainly are), and even if you do, USNA is not exactly a 50:50 ratio. Thus, many hold onto gf's from home.</p>

<p>On the flip side, your gf is off to college, where life is not as structured, and where she will meet new friends, in an environment that is 50:50. Add in lots of parties, and you do the math. </p>

<p>At first, it seems both parties try their best to hang in and hang on, but it gets increasingly difficult. Plebe year, often by the thanksgiving visit, most girls bail out. Some will make it through plebe year, but then you disappear for summer blocks, don't come home for spring break, are not available for her parties- very few girls put up with that. If you find one that will, great. </p>

<p>Now add in the trajectory.
You are both on very different flight paths. At first the angle is not that great, the paths not too far apart. But over time, the distance between the 2 lines get greater and greater apart, until there is no connection.</p>

<p>It happens from all angles.
Academics. You are on a fast track, and you will find yourself outpacing her quickly, and in most circumstances, the gap only widens. </p>

<p>Socially.
She has more chance to go out and "party" and meet others that are readily accessible. You don't, but yours will be the steeper climb. While she learns about mojitos and hangovers, you will get lessons in etiquette, dance, social bearing. Soon your behavior is at one level, hers another. You will be conscious of fitting in; she is on a path to stand out. She wants a bf who can take her to her prom, to her parties, to a movie, to spend Saturday night. YOU are locked down, with the exception of Saturday 12-12, within 30 mile limit, and a few hours on Sunday, on the yard, where you can't hold hands, sit down, etc. Not exactly what she has in mind. And even if you do get a chance to relax a bit, you are going to feel uncomfortable with anything that can get you in trouble of any kind- thus, your focus is on decorum, while hers is on letting her hair- and yours- down. Different trajectories.</p>

<p>Future.
Your future is set; all that’s left is picking service and location. She will get to a point where she wants commitment and you around to fill it. Hard to do when you are out on a ship. And while this seems light years away, it is nevertheless the trajectory you are on. Do you think she has what it takes to follow you for 4 years at the academy, will accept seeing you a little here, a little there, missing the parts of her life, then follow you around for 5 years - again, seeing little of you, and unsettled enough to make any career of her own difficult? NOT the dream most girls have of "Happy ever after."</p>

<p>But here is my question to you.
How necessary is it to be tied down right now? Can YOU balance academics and the demands of the academy with the demands- and will add drama- of a gf that wants more of you than you might be able to give? One thing is for certain- something will suffer. </p>

<p>Truth is you have a lot of living ahead of you, and lots of time to find someone to share it with. Only you can decide if THIS one is the one really worth hanging on to that tightly- but never forget it is a two way street. Think about it.</p>

<p>My suggestion?
Let go. Opt to give each other a little wiggle room and agree to be "good friends." She can still be a part of your life, visit, etc, but it will save you a good deal of heartache ahead- of which you have a 98% chance of experiencing. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, it is an easy way to keep a good friend without hurting and offending the other. </p>

<p>Do MIds have gf's? Yes- a lot of them do. Some even make it past plebe year. Even 3/c year. 2/c year you may want a change. You may want lots of changes. Some will stick it out, and even make it down the aisle after commissioning- but is that where you see yourself right after you graduate? You may- some do. Some will even respond with 20 and 30 years of maritial bliss behind them- but that was THAT generation, and it is very different from yours. Nevertheless, something to think about.</p>

<p>Anyway, I applaud those of you that are asking the question and obviously taking this seriously. In the end, you have to decide what works best for you- and for your S.O.
2% make it.
Do you have to call it quits now?
Absolutely not.
Just have to make sure what you have is what you want, and if it is worth the price you are going to have to pay to keep it that way.</p>

<p>If you do decide to stick it out, proceed with eyes-wide-open, and be prepared- just in case you find yourselves in with the other 98% of your buddies.</p>

2

<p>There is no need too break up with your girl/boyfriend prior to I-Day. With that in mind though, there are definite ground rules you need to set. The biggest one she has to realize is that your time is not your own while your at the Academy. You cannot and should not be expected to devote significant amounts of time on the phone during the week. That seems to be the biggest effect relationships have on mids. At times, some girls (or guys I guess) just sap so much time that could be used working out or studying because they have to spend so many hours a day talking to their mid… </p>

<p>I know several 2%ers. Its doable if its meant to be and both parties are willing to work at it.</p>

3

<p>One more thing… 2% is only an exaggeration. The true chances are much different and cannot be boiled down to a specific percentage.</p>

4

<p>My son is dating the daughter of a career Coast Guard. He told my son early on in the relationship to NOT consider his daughter when making career choices. To make his choices based on what he felt called to do and then if 1) they are still together and 2) her career choices can merge with his - great. If not, keep your friendship in tact. Otherwise, you live with resentment over the “what if’s”. And, he said that he knew his daughter was strong enough to handle this and don’t let her fool you that she can’t.</p>

5

<p>Navy2010, you have written a very wise and thoughtful commentary and provided a lot for your fellow students to consider. Thanks for sharing your perspective.</p>

6

<p>I think this is a bit slanted, I know from experience relationships can work. Takes some understanding on both sides but it can work. The all or nothing is pretty selfish and many old school folks can vouch for the fact it can work, as they celebrate decades of of Naval service and marriage. You’re new, but not anything special-yet, special to the Navy and decades of marriage is earned, good luck!</p>

7

<p>This is a very different generation and the rules that applied 20, 30, 40+ years ago, don’t seem to apply the same way today. It’s the “all about me” generation, and girls are not so willing to “follow their man” if it interfers with their agenda.</p>

<p>Then again, I know more than one female that are in hot persuit of their MRS degree, and clearly zero’d in on that pretty uniform- and some don’t seem to care who’s wearing it. It’s enough to turn my hair gray!</p>

<p>Agree with “All or nothing is pretty selfish”-
but that seems to be the prevailing wind these days.</p>

<p>anyway, you guys (and girls) will figure it out.
and when you do, come back and enlighten the rest of us, just in case we do have it wrong! And who knows- you may be one of the lucky ones! hmmmm… wonder if the lucky ones are the 2% ball-and-chainers or the 98 flying solo!! ;)</p>

8

<p>Wow, is your life really that sad? You seem to have a pretty low opinion of young people of this generation. I find that especially surprising since you have a couple of college age kids yourself. I guess if we set the goals low, they are sure to reach them.
Our son and his girlfriend have made it through plebe year. Will they make it through all four years? Who knows. I hope they do. I would not assume that they wouldn’t. If they don’t try to be committed, I guess they won’t will they? Their relationship has not interfered with school. Actually, they have each been able to focus on school and obligations because they didn’t have to keep up each other. Is it easy? NO, but relationships aren’t easy, even if you live in the same town.
Here’s another tidbit - not all S.O. are girls…My boyfriend, later husband followed me in my military career. If you are willing to put in the work, it can work. That goes for everybody.</p>

9

<p>Nope, not sad at all.
Quite happy in fact.
(perhaps you missed the :wink: ???)</p>

<p>Well aware that not all SO are girls-
tidbit- it was a shortcut to all the politically-correct “he/she” quantifiers in the post - figured most would “get” that.</p>

<p>Glad to hear it is working out for your Mid.
Ours is dating a great girl as well.
Dated a disaster before her, and another great girl before that one.
Who knows how many more great girls are in his future before he decides on “the” girl.
Hope my daughter sheds her SO and moves on.
Will be what it will be.</p>

<p>Not a low opinion at all. Realistic one.
Then again, we “lived” the disaster. </p>

<p>Never said they couldn’t “make it” if they put in the work to make it work-
might want to re-read the post a bit more carefully-</p>

10

<p>I’m a grad with two sons at USNA in 2010 and 2011. </p>

<p>My advice to those about to enter is that no matter what people tell you about the USNA experience, you have to live it firsthand to understand it.</p>

<p>Having said that, I think you will find a couple of things that happen that are real “sea changes” after your Plebe Summer & Ac Year experience.</p>

<p>First, you will be part of a culture that is very different and apart from your friends, family and significant others. Their frame of reference when you talk about chow calls, comearounds, pro knowledge quizzes, formations, chopping in the P-way, etc., will be pretty limited - unless they are grads, or you have a sibling who’s blazed the trail for you.</p>

<p>Moral of the story: Don’t expect them to “get it” and understand why it’s important to you. You’ll probably get a lot of blank stares and/or “that’s nice, dear” comments from parents.</p>

<p>Second, if you’ve got a significant other who’s experiencing college for the first time, they will also have experiences that are new and different, and don’t expect things to be necessarily the same way you you left them on I-Day.</p>

<p>They don’t go into some sort of “suspended animation” while you’re off at USNA. You may be looking for familiar things, and things change. Don’t be disappointed; roll with it.</p>

<p>You have a lot of distractions that we didn’t have “When I was a Mid…” (Insert geezer with a cane, here.)</p>

<p>All we had was snail mail and the occasional phone call. You have cellphones, twitter, facebook, google, IM, etc. On I-Day those things go away for six weeks. </p>

<p>When you finally get your PC and have access to them, there is a tendency to overindulge and “binge”. Bluntly put, you don’t have time to tweet, post on facebook, IM or call incessantly. Don’t do it.</p>

<p>So, what does that have to do with SO’s? Communication is going to be different and that impacts relationships. Most of my friends with serious SO’s were not still with those SO’s after “four years…by the Bay…”, but some were and have been married for a long time, and happy as a Whistlepig in… ;)</p>

<p>I don’t think that’s a lot different from your friends at civilian colleges, either, and watching two sons and their non-academy friends from HS, I don’t think it’s a lot different in this day and age. Oldest son has a longtime GF, and even they took a year break from each other during his Youngster (sophomore) year. Younger son is “single” and his QPR (GPA for you civilians) is much higher. Not sure if there is a correlation there, but I am guessing “yes”.</p>

11

<p>My daughter is dating a midshipman. She is a student at the University of Delaware. It has been a good time for both of them, a welcome distraction without all the trouble of a relationship too close to home. She loves attending the dances and balls. They chat over AIM and text messaging regularly. It has been a positive thing for both of them. : )</p>

12

<p>84 …thankfully we’ve no experience with this. But yours strikes as about as sane, solid, simple counsel as can be offered. Frankly, it seems like the ideal scenario might be to be unemcumbered in this brief time of life that is so very critical, and as you note, and we’ve concluded, can be observed by non-participants but consumed solely by those engaged …to the USNA. It is a unique cultural experience, and that very notion can be almost inconceivable to audiences novice to USNA or other Academy experiences. I’m hoping I’m not exaggerating or overstating in positing that notion. The further we go along in all of this the more I realize the less I can fathom of it.</p>

<p>So can relationships work? Of course. Examples abound although statistically it seems they are few and far between, miniscule. So generally, it’s probably safe to suggest …avoid them at every cost. </p>

<p>And if the cost would be too dear, then work to make it work. And that will require loads of flexibility, adjusting, commitment. Sounds simpleton, silly, supersilious. But to argue or suggest there is some formula for making something work that fails in nearly every instance, seems futile to me. What is known, if we like great odds of failure, this is fertile ground.</p>

<p>Now, what was the question?</p>

13

<p>Son and GF made it through the first year. A few Bumps. A lot of learning. It helps she has a brother who is now in TBS after graduation from a Civ College, and Dad is a cop. There is a little perspective brought from her side that some may not have. Patience and strength are a must and maturity helps. Hard to be mature and young, but some get it. We will see if it works in the long run but as the family said at the picnics this year, “she seems like a keeper” :)</p>

14

<p>Slightly different perspective here, but basically arrive at the same conclusion as the previous posts. Having been married to a sailor for 25+ years, I am well aware of what it takes to make a military relationship succeed. It seems to me that many of the SOs (girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever…) have a romanticized view of the military. Think “Officer and a Gentleman” and Richard Gere carrying Debra Winger off the factory floor.</p>

<p>What happens after that? The reality is that the separations endured by midshipmen and their SOs is simply a precursor to the what they will experience after graduation. This is not an easy life. If the SO is someone who needs to have his/her girlfriend/boyfriend around all the time, the relationship is going to face serious difficulties. SOs who can handle long separations, who are comfortable being alone and providing support to the service member, who can function away from home, are the ones likely to succeed as part of a military couple. </p>

<p>I work frequently with couples who did not seem to comprehend that the wedding is not the ultimate goal. Yes, they might survive the four years “by the bay”, but are they prepared to leave their home towns, move to a remote location and be alone there for months at a time? The learning curve for this is very steep. I almost failed when hubby moved me 3000 miles from home and deployed immediately on a submarine for 6 months. No contact for 6 months in a city where I had no friends. It was probably the best thing that could have happened because I grew up in a hurry. Not every couple survives that experience.</p>

<p>I don’t mean to sound negative; I have loved being a military spouse. But I recognize that this life is not for everyone. I suggest couples take a realistic look at what the future holds and decide early if it is something they want to pursue. It is not a failure to admit that this life is not for you. Far better to determine that early.</p>

15

<p>^^^What she said.</p>

16

<p>Beachmom. Well said. recent book called Navy Wife is out. A committed, civilian woman marries a Naval Aviator and gets exposed to "“work ups”, deployments etc’.Ought to be a primer for anyone considering same.</p>

17

<p>USNA84 and Beachmom - Thank you for your posts as people who have been there and have lived it.
Our son’s attitude was as Beachmom stated. USNA will be training for GF as well. He is aware and has told her that this is how his life will be. He will be gone for months at a time as a career, not just for school.
I think they both understood the words, but time will tell if they understand the reality.<br>
Reading about it and hearing about it are entirely different than living it.</p>

18

<p>I stumbled upon this excellent thread and decided to bring it current.
I know from another site, as the journey begins for another class, that discussions have already started regarding significant others and those treasured moments carved out to see the midn/cadets.
I spent my life as a navy dependent,first as a daughter, then a wife, now a mother of son following his path. I say it is a wonderful life, however it too is a life of service - Beachmom said it very well - many posts are well said and outline things to ponder, realizing that whether one is at USNA or thru NROTC - the path is one to a lifestyle that is different than the civilian world.
larry’s mom (son never ended up using or posting)</p>

19

<p>navy 2010, usn84, beachmom -
I think your posts were of special value - also think some of you post on saf - your wisdom should be posted there.
I would not assume to just move your comments - just thought this string gave very valuable insights, thoughts, as others begin their journey.
Heading off to annapolis or other sa’s is a major step and for many a very different life, but that lifestyle really continues as they graduate and move into their careers.
just a thought
larry’s mom</p>

20

<p>

</p>

<p>Jeff Bacon did a cartoon about that.</p>

<p>Richard Gere: “COD”.</p>

<p>Debra Winger: “Ooh. Be still, my heart.” (while standing in a bathrobe and in curlers)</p>

<p>:D</p>

<p>For those of you who don’t habla Navy yet, COD is Carrier Onboard Delivery. In other words, a cargo plane.</p>