Very concerned about daughter...

Parents Forum
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<p>Hello,</p>

<p>I am new here and was wondering if I could get some advice concerning my daughter who attends UVA. She really hates it there and I am not quite sure why. She tells me she feels left out of everything because she does not drink or party (she is a muslim and very religious person), and is constantly bothered by peer pressure but never gives into it. She feels like she overworks herself to the point where she is only getting two hours of sleep a night and sometimes even none at all... and feels all her hard work does not pay off... because she got a 3.2 this past semester. Now from my point of view I find that to be a very good GPA but she is not used to these grades especially since she got a C+ in chemistry (she has always been a straight A student). She understands that college is different but she just wishes it could be better. She doesn't feel like she can relate to anyone because everyone treats her like a stranger (she does have a few friends). Even her roommate is quite a bother- always taking her things and borrowing her stuff without asking, telling my daughter that her sleeping at 4 Am is a bother to her, but when her roommate stays awake till 6 am it's ok...I mean she feels like her roommate has no respect for her... especially the one time her roommate was laughing at the way my daughter was behaving due to a low blood sugar from her diabetes. That is not something to be laughed about!! She wants to transfer but I disagree. I mean she is at one of the best universities but insists on wanting to stay at home. I believe she should stick it through. I need some advice since this is my first child in college. I just wish she could be happier. Thanks.</p>

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<p>Low blood sugar? Everyone is a bother? She wants to come home? This is a girl who is seriously depressed and overwhelmed. She needs counseling IMMEDIATELY. This is not about UVa. It's about feelings of inadequacy, self-image, perhaps a threat to her traditional upbringing. </p>

<p>She doesn't need advice. She needs someone to listen to her. Can you do that? No, you are too bound up with her success. Don't live through her. Let her make choices. And get her some therapy. Low blood sugar is not an accident, It's a cry for help.</p>

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<p>One thought: Has she checked joined the Muslim student association at UVA? It seems to me she may find a group of more compatible friends there. Here's a link:
<a href="http://www.student.virginia.edu/%7Eislam/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.student.virginia.edu/~islam/&lt;/a> I notice that they have an online message board - perhaps at the very least she could post a message about her feelings and see how other Muslims at UVA have adapted.</p>

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<p>thanks yalebound72, but she wants to attend UVA still but just wishes it could be better... she had all these great images about college before entering but now it seems like a nightmare. i mean I told her she is free to do what she likes but if she changes schools and stays at home she'll never getover her problems with college life. right now she is on her winter break and does not want to go back...</p>

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<p>Worried UVAparent - I do think she needs to connect with other Muslim students. That would probably help a lot. As I said, they have a very active online discussion board that should could post to while she is home --- she may be able to make some connections there that could help her sort things out.</p>

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<p>thanks carolyn I'll definitely tell her about the MSA at UVA!</p>

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<p>but I am sure it's not just the Muslim issue... because she has a few good Muslim friends... I think it is something else as well</p>

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<p>College can be a difficult adjustment for anyone - make sure she knows that there are probably lots of other kids (Muslim and non-Muslim) feeling the same way. If you suspect that she is depressed or would benefit simply from talking things out with an unbiased person, perhaps your Iman could recommend a good psychological counselor who could be a sounding board for her. </p>

<p>I had a Muslim roommate in college and she also had a very difficult time adapting at first (As did I!) --- things worked out fine for her, however, once she found a solid group of students and activities.</p>

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<p>I'd also investigate whether there's any way she could get a new roommate or move into a single for the second semester. That roommate sounds creepy - laughing at your daughter when she had low blood sugar. Ugh. I'd call the school residence life and see what other room options may be available. Sometimes just a better living situation can make a huge difference.</p>

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<p>And, one other thought --- there is no shame in transferring if she is truly not happy. However, if she wants to transfer, I'd make her take the initiative to apply for next fall and at least finish out the year at UVA.</p>

<p>I'm so sorry you are going through this. As a fellow mom, it is one of my worst nightmares that my daughter would go through something similar when she goes to college. Hugs and best wishes to you.</p>

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<p>I agree with Carolyn, she should see if there is a another room or roommate available. </p>

<p>Beyond the MSA, there are other campus organizations where she might meet like-minded kids. <a href="http://www.virginia.edu/newcombhall/kaleidoscope/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.virginia.edu/newcombhall/kaleidoscope/&lt;/a> and <a href="http://www.virginia.edu/iso/ic/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.virginia.edu/iso/ic/&lt;/a>. Both sponsor social events. </p>

<p>Hopefully, some of the drinking and partying will calm down in the second semester. For one thing, the partiers probably did not take home 3.2 GPAs! On the other hand, partying is cultural--something your D would confront at most universities. With time and a bit of effort, she may find a niche group and a great group of friends.</p>

<p>In the meantime, big hugs to you-- the worried listener!</p>

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<p>I am so sorry that you and your daughter are having a hard time. Changing roommates can really help. I did that at the end of my first semester in college, because my roommate was always making fun of me and belittling me. In retrospect I think she didn't mean to be as hurtful as she was but my life was really uncomfortable. I changed and ended up with the best roommates ever. </p>

<p>But, sometimes in fact the fit isn't right. You are right to worry about her. Is there a close teacher/mentor/counselor she could talk to? If she is depressed, she should be getting the right treatment as soon as possible, because depression can deepen if left untreated. If she is depressed, it is going to be almost impossible to follow some of these other very good ideas such as joining groups. Also the lack of sleep can contribute to or cause a lot of the anxiety, or could be a symptom of depression. Let us know how things go.</p>

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<p>" Low blood sugar is not an accident, It's a cry for help." Uh...no Yale...low blood sugar is a medical condition brought on through no fault of her own....and is unrelated to any cry for help. Low blood sugar can and does trigger mood swings and depression. But, the condition of having low blood sugar does not automatically signal depression. I am hypoglycemic......so I understand blood sugar issues.</p>

<p>Worried, I don't know the answer. I agree with others that your D needs to find and connect with people who share her values. I diagree with Yale about you not listening to her. You obviously are.....or you wouldn't be here recalling her situation and seeking support. UVA must have extensive resources to deal with students who are having a hard time adjusting. </p>

<p>We're hearing quite a bit lately about students who aren't adjusting well. I've also been hearing about these issues off-net. Isn't here an "adjustment disorder" (it's actually called "adjustment disorder") where people don't adjust well to new and stressful situations? From what I recall hearing, it last no longer than 6 months. </p>

<p>Ahhhh...I wish I had more to offer.</p>

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<p>The two hours sleep or no sleep at all bothers me. Though I realize that some people need far less sleep than others, how many people can survive on such a small amount of sleep? Something has got to give here. Changing roommates and figuring out a way to get more than two hours sleep seem essential to me.</p>

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<p>momsdream,
i had written about adjustment disorder on the thread about returning to school started by patient...but just to clarify-- By definition- an adjustment disorder would be patterns of change closely related in time to a specific adjustment, and if it is longer than 6 months since the adjustment-- it is no longer close enough that you can assume the problems are due to the adjustment... the diagnosis which would be made at that point would be different- depression, anxiety, whatever...</p>

<p>That said, as I said on the other thread, normal adjustment has phases, some of which are stressful- and the normal "cultural adjustment" span is about 1 year!</p>

<p>As for WorriedUVA's daughter, I am worried about her medical status if she is having episodes of hypoglycemia and not sleeping in the context of her diabetes. If she does go back to school, I would insist she take a reduced class load this next semester so that she can establish better healthy living habits-- in addition to the excellent advice given. Maybe there is a "healthy living" dorm that she can get into where the kids neither drink nor smoke, the former in particular being both culturally and medically significant for her. I am sure her doctor or religious leader would write a letter to that effect.</p>

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<p>I don't mean to stereotype a great school like UVa, but maybe the problem really is the type of school that UVa is. While I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions, UVa in general may be just too conservative a place for her with that dominant (according to your post) type of drinking/party atmosphere. </p>

<p>Perhaps she'd do better at a more liberal school, and/or more urban, like a Wesleyan, NYU, etc, there are plenty of them.</p>

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<p>I agree that it's a roommate issue. Being away from home for the first time, stuck with a roommate who doesn't respect you, is enough to make anyone sick. She should have asked for a change a long time ago. My advice would be to try to stick it out one more semester with a different roommate and see if that makes the difference. UVA is a big place, there is surely a niche there for her.</p>

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<p>If she completes one semester satisfactorily (not necessarily with super grades but passing), there would be no harm in taking a one semester leave of absence-- to seek counseling, visit other schools, reassess needs and goals and go back with a solid psychic-spiritual foundation and more maturity.</p>

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<p>For virtually all college students, going to college is the biggest adjustment they have ever had to make in their whole life. It is rare for college freshmen to not have some problems getting along with their roommates. Many college students also have to adjust to a new culture -- whether this is due to moving to a new region or it's due to having to be around others (such as partiers, people from different races, religions) whose lifestyles and perspectives differ from theirs a great deal.</p>

<p>When a student's own background is unusual for the college (such as coming from a different country, having a religion that is rare for the campus, etc.), that makes adjustment more difficult. </p>

<p>In many cases, these adjustment problems work themselves out by the end of the second semester of freshman year, when the student has learned to adapt to the new environment and has also has made friends.</p>

<p>In some cases, though, the fit is so bad that it is best if the student transfers.</p>

<p>I agree with those who have suggested that your daughter join the Muslim Student Association. There, she is likely to find peers whom she can more easily connect with and who also can help her navigate some of the challenges she's experiencing.</p>

<p>I also suggest that she utilize the college's counseling service. College counseling services are very used to helping freshmen who are having problems adjusting to college. There is no shame in using them. The college counseling center also is likely to have information about organizations where your daughter is likely to find the kind of people whom she feels comfortable with. They also may have good advice about how she can best handle her housing options for next year if she chooses to stay on campus.</p>

<p>In addition, they can help her make a thoughtful decision about whether she should transfer. </p>

<p>Finally, if your daughter is clinically depressed, the counseling center can help her get the help that she needs, which, depending on the severity of her depression, could also mean medication or more intensive psychotherapy. I was concerned reading about your daughter's sleeping habits because that could be a sign of clinical depression. If she is clinically depressed, her view of the college would also be bleaker than reality and it also would be difficult for her to concentrate on her studies.</p>

<p>The counseling center also can help her figure out whether her study habits need adjusting. Sometimes the methods that students successfully used to study for high school work are not effective at the collegiate level.</p>

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<p>Unfortunately, kids are not always so sympathetic to each other's problems. And your D does have an insensitive roommate. That can make life very difficult when you throw in sleep deprivation and health issues. I think the idea to check out the muslim student association is a fine one, and she may be able to work out living arrangements with someone who is more in tune with the way she wanted to live. I had a Kosher roommate one year, and it was a bit difficult with the food and kitchen at times, until we worked out the arrangements and I learned the Kosher rules, but I was willing to do this. We are still great friends. But anytime someone needs any kind of accomodation, a selfish roommate is goign to be an issue. I am sure that there are others like your D at UVA and once she meets up with them, it'll be easier for to navigate her path without feeling like she does not belong there.</p>