Wanna Score My Essay?

Student Lounge International Students
1

<p>I figure us Canadians are nicer and I'll actually get some replies here. I appreciate any constructive criticism and pointers. I wrote this in 23 minutes. This is exactly what I wrote.</p>

<p>PROMPT: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>I the journey of mankind, finding simpler, economical solutions has been a determining factor of our identity as a species. Mankind, as a whole, has always found convoluted ways of simplifying our otherwise hectic lives. However, such inventions may be more of a curse than a blessing. As childhood obesity grows at an alarming rate, as the Internet and World Wide Web has a subordinating influence on our lives, and as greenhouse emitions soar, we must reconsider the statement that change has made our lives easier.</p>

<p>There has never been a period in our history that obesity, especially childhood obesity, has reached such heights. Such a prominent issue in our society can be traced to its roots in the fast food industry, video gaming industry, and to other apparent changes that were meant to make our lives easier and more enjoyable. Fast food chains were meant, back in the day, to be a place to relax with family and get mom out of the kitchen. However, meal sizes and fat contents have risen exponentially. The growing love for fast food and its apparent convenience has simply added fuelts to the fire. What was once a way to simply enjoy a meal with family and avoid cooking has led to a global crisis. North American, especially, face grave dangers with obesity as 1/4 children are obese (**not sure of this stat, i think i heard this somewhere..and this stuff in brackets was not in my essay).</p>

<p>Furthermore, the Internet was once a method to exchange information and research among academics, but has now grown in popularity. It is now an unreplaceable part of our lives. Social networking sites, gaimng sites, and even pornography have consumed our lives. What was a way to gather information quickly and efficiently has turned into an addiction for all the wrong reasons. The Internet is a reason for poor student success in some families, while it has led to less family time in other households. It has led us to a point where it is a barrier. It is no longer a means t solely obtain information, but is now a place which is filled wit corrupt, disturbing, and dangerous information.</p>

<p>The automobile is a fine means of locomotion. From getting us where we want to go with ease to being a means of showing off our wealth, they are great. However, pollution from automobiles has led us to a global warming crisis where greenhouse gases are in surplus in our atmosphere, trapping excess heat. We are now faced with the daunting task of reversing the trends or face what may be one of the greatest mass extinctions that our history has witnessed.</p>

<p>In conclusion, technology and change have freed up time for us to pursue leisure (this doesn't even make sense, does it?), but they have made our lives and lifestyles significantly worse. We may be at a point in humanity, where change has been a detriment and put our way of life in jeopardy.</p>

<p>***My conclusion is very weak. How do i strengthen it? And my intro. is only half decent.</p>

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<p>no transitions between ideas within a paragraph or between paragraphs themselves. this makes the essay sound choppy and incoherent.</p>

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<p>what would you give it a score of out of 6? and yea, its crap, i wanted to know what this would score, to get an idea of what i’d need for a 10- 11 essay.</p>

<p>What do I need to do to have transitions between ideas? I’m kind of confused. And are there any others who have pointers for me?</p>

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<p>based on the length, that’s a six</p>

<p>ideas are good, awesome choice of proofs</p>

<p>however like kelloggss said, there’s no transition between paragraphs (you did have a ‘furthermore’ though)</p>

<p>the end of your second paragraph doesn’t reflect the thesis (you’re begining to talk about internet itself)</p>

<p>try to balance the length of the three paragraphs (the third one looks like it was done in a rush and lacks material)</p>

<p>try to link your three arguments to broader domains in the conclusion (or some kind of opening)</p>

<p>some synthax mistakes</p>

<p>overall I’d give it a 4-5 (let’s say 9/12 lol)</p>

5

<p>should I have made a conclusion that was along the lines of “while technology and change allow us to limit laborious and mundane tasks, they have in fact made our lives much more hectic. Changes have limited our social interaction and has led to many problems in our society that we must deal with. Change may have made our lives easier, but the consequences and problems they have caused pose a much greater risk to our way of life.”</p>

<p>Idk, does that make sense as a conclusion? Kinda winged it on the spot without much thought.</p>

<p>What does this mean?:
try to link your three arguments to broader domains in the conclusion (or some kind of opening)</p>

<p>And what is meant by transitions between paragraphs? Is it just some introductory words or do i need to connect my points in each paragraph somehow?</p>

6

<p>transitions is the main thing ur missing.
and no, its not okay just to say “furthermore” or some word in between paragraphs…
u need an actual phrase that connects the ideas between the paragraphs. </p>

<p>i dont agree with the comment bout paragraph lengths. your paragraphs should be as long as they need to be to get all ur ideas across so if they have to be short, its okay. it’s NOT ok if u dont really have much to say about an idea (thus leading to the short paragraph).</p>

<p>all in all, essay is ok. i would say a 4.</p>

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<p>kelloggss can u please give me an example of a transition between paragraphs in my essay? I just need something to understand what you mean. In terms of ideas, are they fine? Like, its a bad essay, but are my actual ideas well-thought out?</p>

<p>a) the convenience of fast food restaurants now becoming a detriment
b) Internet was supposed to make research easier, but has many negative aspects that lead to many problems
c) the automobile was another change that made things easier, but now we see how it has made things more difficult</p>

<p>the main idea that connects all my paragraphs in kinda like technology and our “inventions” to simplify life have backfired, causing more problems than they have solved.</p>

<p>I’m just worried that I never use historical examples because I have no history background or knowledge. I always seem to use modern day examples. I just usually pick 3 examples of things in daily life that relate. Is this not a wise idea?</p>

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<p>Literature is also a good example. I have yet to find a prompt I couldn’t use 1984 for. (Even though it’s a tad overdone).</p>

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<p>for examples, you can even use personal experiences… it doesn’t matter as long as it proves your point. Just explain why/how it proves your thesis</p>

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<p>yea, I don;t read that much…actually change that to rarely, so it’s gonna be pretty hard to come up with a literary example. but thanks, i’ll keep it in mind.</p>

<p>can anyone clarify the transitions and stuff. what exactly do i need, could you give me an example? and could you read post #5 and tell me if that conclusion is better and how u’d rate it?</p>

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<p>Don’t you have to do required works for English class? Those usually can help you.</p>

<p>For transitions, you need to connect your beginning sentences of your arguments to your thesis. </p>

<p>IE.
The automobile is a fine means of locomotion. <– that is a bad transition. Yes, it’s a fine means of locomotion. But so what? I doesn’t pertain to your topic of your essay … </p>

<p>Something like,
Although, the automobile is a fine means of locomotion, the changes wrought but its introduction have some consequences. (Continue with sentences about global warming and pollution.)</p>

<p>It’s rough, but it connects the idea that the changes associated with cars are not always good.</p>

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<p>ah, ok i get what you mean by that now.</p>

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<p>Oh and I meant, “wrought by its introduction”… Sleep deprivation makes my typing weird. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>thank you and yea, i’m starting to sleep less and less. hw + travel baseball + high school baseball + SAT = no sleep.</p>