<p>I have been working on my common app essay for months, but I frankly think it sucks. I would much rather submit something that really shows my passion for my endeavors instead of talking about it. </p>
<p>If you will look at my old essay and the beginning of my new one and give me some feedback, post here and I'll send them to you. </p>
<p>Thanks CC!</p>
<p>Glad to help! email me.</p>
<p>I read your essay. You are not a bad writer as you said to be. Believe me you can WRITE. But,
1. Be yourself , not re-create yourself. 2. You do not need to explain science to adcoms. 3. Obviously you have tons of ideas, and you need to concentrate on only one or two of them.
Best luck !</p>
<p>So which should I go with?</p>
<p>I would say the first one. It is the one full of ideas, and they are the impressive and innovative side of you. Remember you are 17, not 27, so do not brag about the scientific concepts you learnt in class.</p>
<p>Thanks for your help. Anybody else want a stab at it?</p>
<p>I'll look at it if it helps :) PM me</p>
<p>Thank you for the essay, d4r. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. A few pointers/comments:</p>
<p>Your first essay is well constructed, and it gives insight into your motivations and interests. The vision of your bedroom is easy to relate to, and somewhat whimsical (can't find a better word). In other words, you show your burgeoning curiosity for science and technology, which is a good topic as long as you have the ECs to support it. </p>
<p>Though I liked the beginning of your essay, I felt that it tapered a bit at the end. In the first paragraph, you demonstrated your ideas through the senses. Later, you begin to simply describe the things you did. " I did this, I began to like that, etc." Why do you like those things? How is your passion different than anyone else's? You may wish to personalize it a bit more by adding details nobody else could recreate. Much of science/tech, as I'm sure you know, is about doing/applying and not saying. You may wish to demonstrate that you are a "doer" in your essay. What have you done with the guitar? etc...</p>
<p>I think you have an excellent base to work from. Your essay is well-constructed, but could use a bit more depth and uniqueness. Having not known you, I probably could not distinguish your goals from any other student that wrote about the same topic. Your essay is not bad; it's an excellent opportunity to convey something about yourself. It may take some time to get a "hook" for your essay, but it will come.</p>
<p>Your second essay was trite and insincere (sorry) I'd definitely stick with the first one. </p>
<p>Best of luck with your application, etc. I'm pretty picky when it comes to reading, but English is kind of my thing :) Feel free to pick on mine when I post it in a few minutes. Just keep working on it, and it will come. I think you're very very close to having a masterpiece.</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>TJM</p>
<p>Send me the first one. I can read and critique</p>
<p>Any feedback, oyyyster?</p>