Wanting Desperately To Go To College

Parents Forum
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<p>I went to my college reunion a couple of years ago. One of the nicest girls in my college class commuted from home. She lived with her mom because her dad had died recently and her mom didn't feel capable of living on her own. She became a teacher--in the city where she grew up and went to college. Her mom thought "nice" girls lived at home until they married. So, she still lived with her mom. Her mom just would not let go. Then her mom did become very ill and she cared for her. Then her mom died. </p>

<p>In her mid-50s, my classmate had never married, never had a serious romance, never gone on vacation by herself --she always took her mom and they usually went to her mom's native land. Her only friends the same age are other teachers she works with--most of whom have full lives and are not willing to drop them and do things with her now that she has the time for them. </p>

<p>She blames it on being an only child. The rest of us blame it on the fact that she was just too nice. </p>

<p>Each of us get one life--your mom is not entitled to force you to give up yours. If you don't stand up to her now--when will you be able to do so? When she's older--it will get harder, not easier. </p>

<p>Mail in the deposit. Go. Talk to your mother as little as possible about it until you are ready to move out. Then go. </p>

<p>Don't end up like my classmate--who at least got a college education.</p>

22

<p>The best thing you can do for your future, and in my opinion also for your mother's future, is go to school. I wholeheartedly agree with Northstarmom's recommendation that you try to see a counselor yourself now and get set up with an appointment for one as soon as you get to school. It sounds like it is going to get pretty bad at home, and I think having the emotional support in person will be an important resource. You probably are in for a rough ride when you get to school as well, until she finally comes to term with the situation. A therapist should be able both to reaffirm that you are doing the right thing, and offer tips on how to deal with your mom. I know how important it will be for you to keep up your grades to maintain your scholarship so hope you can get advice starting now in order to prevent your studies from suffering. </p>

<p>Please use us parents as a source of the encouragement your mom isn't able to provide right now. Please let us know when you have mailed the deposit forms and check, so we can cheer for you.</p>

23

<p>SkyGirl,
I can only imagine how torn your feel. Hugs to you!!!
Many wise posters have responded here and all have advised you to continue with your dreams. I agree.
Please take the time to confide in some adults who know your mother: your mom's doctor or her siblings or cousins even the estranged relatives of your dad. I imagine they all want what is best for you and may become your advocates. Some one of them may come up with a plan to keep in contact with your mom so she won't feel so alone while you are away.
But reach out to them; until you do, they do not know you need them.</p>

<p>Best of luck and do let us know when the deposit is sent.</p>

24

<p>Skygirl,</p>

<p>You have gotten excellent advice here and I don’t have anything substantive to add. I just wanted you to know that I am one more mom in support of you. Send in the deposit, get the counseling (to help you through this) wisely suggested by Northstarmom, and go to school with gladness.</p>

<p>And BTW, I love the name Skygirl :)</p>

25

<p>I am another Mom who thinks that you should definitely send in your deposit and plan to go to college. Try to be calm but firm when dealing with your mother whether talking about any of her illnesses or your leaving for school. Try to focus the conversation on discrete things that need to be done for your mother to enable her to live independently and take care of her ailments (such as the ideas suggested previously). Don't let her engage you in the guilt trip stuff, but keep turning back to her about what are her specific day to day needs, and how she can take positive action to get her own needs met.</p>

<p>Good luck and don't feel guilty.</p>

26

<p>If your courage falls down a bit, just think: If you go and get educated, you'll be able to take care of yourself and her if necessary when she really is old. If you stay put, you'll just get older with her, and without a good way to support yourself beyond minimum wage jobs forever. The love you feel now for her could then turn to bitterness and anger, and that's no good for either of you. You actually are being good to her by following your plan; she just isn't able to see it. But every mom who's written in so far does see it. Unanimous support is rare, but that's exactly what I'm reading above. Stay strong.</p>

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<p>GO Skygirl! Wishing you the best, and waiting to hear that you've moved forward with your plans.</p>

28

<p>Another poster asked if you have control over the funds to send all of your deposits--do you? and have you been able to figure out all of the financial stuff? The logistics of going off to college are large and you may have to do this on your own-emotions aside-so just let us know and I know that at least a few of us will become your mentors. And think for a bit whether some of the anxiety of all of this is also getting to you. It is hard enough when you have parents helping but when you are alone and young and still trying to figure it out it can be huge. Hugs</p>

29

<p>@SkyGirl</p>

<p>I know the word "therapy" has all sorts of bad connotations, but I think you and your mom (or maybe just your mom) should take some therapy sessions to discover what is it that makes her feign sickness. This is if you truly care about your mother. If you decide to stay home and not address these issues, can you said to have been really solving her problem?</p>

<p>So you have three options:
1. Go to college and ignore her. I don't see anything wrong with this if you don't care about your mother's happiness.
2. Stay with your mom and not go to college. You will have achieved nothing in solving your mother's issues and you have chained yourself to her for much of (if not the rest) of your life.
3. Take some therapy sessions and help your mother discover her deep-rooted problem (before you go to college). If she refuses to let you go, I would suggest you get a better therapist or just ignore your mother's pleas and go off to college (e.g. option 1).</p>

30

<p>Thank you again for everyone's words and advice. I really needed this. I couldn't discuss with anyone around where I live about this. They just don't seem to get it. My dad's brother, when I told him last year I am applying to collleges, asked me how is my mother is going to live alone? He is said it will be better I go to a cc nearby and take care of my mother. They don't understand I have ambitions too.
I had been in a confused state and nearly got swayed several times to give up this scholarship and college place by my mom during the past week. She used different reasonings like why I don't wait another year until her health gets better, I can still apply to colleges next year, etc. How long can I keep on waiting? I know her reasoning will keep me dragging for years at home. I started figuring this out.
I don't want to wait another year and have been quite happy with the college I want to go to.
Money wise, I think I can make it there. There is 1100 per semester for meals plans that isn't covered by scholarship. But I am confident I can work part-time to cover that right?
There is another college that would meet all my expenses but I prefer this one since it has the course I want study (biochem).
I must mail in that check next week and get all forms ready to send. I just hope my mom doesn't anything between now and then to get me confused and pull down my bravado (:.</p>

31

<p>Yes, you can definitely earn 1100-do not worry about that at all. And if you cannot you can go to the financial aid office and they will help you figure out what to do. You will be a great student and they will not want to let you go.
Get a therapist right away--he/she will keep you on track. You do not necessarily need to inform you mom about this if it makes you more comfortable keeping the appointments. I feel OK saying this to you because you have both your mother's and your own best interest at heart. In the end-you need college/career/your own family and your mom needs to be healthy and live her own life even when you are close to her. Keep us posted!</p>

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<p>"My dad's brother, when I told him last year I am applying to collleges, asked me how is my mother is going to live alone? He is said it will be better I go to a cc nearby and take care of my mother. They don't understand I have ambitions too. "</p>

<p>More than likely your relatives know that your mother is very manipulative and needy, and they'd rather have you than themselves caught in her web.</p>

<p>"Money wise, I think I can make it there. There is 1100 per semester for meals plans that isn't covered by scholarship. But I am confident I can work part-time to cover that right? "</p>

<p>I think that's a stretch because normally students are advised not to work more than 10 hours a week.</p>

<p>"There is another college that would meet all my expenses but I prefer this one since it has the course I want study (biochem)."</p>

<p>Frankly, the college that would pay all of your expenses sounds like the better deal unless it's not at all a very good college. In addition, typically the grant part of financial aid decreases at colleges each year, particularly after junior year, and the amount of loans in students' packages increases. Since you can't count on your family for economic support, seems it would be best to take the best financial offer.</p>

<p>Also, most college students change their majors at least twice, so in the long run, it may not matter that the college with the best aid offer doesn't have a biochem major.</p>

<p>What colleges are you deciding between? There probably are some parents here who are familiar about them and could offer good advice.</p>

33

<p>It should be possible to earn enough to cover the meal plan through work-study. In my area, the work-study rate is $10 per hour. Many students manage to earn a lot more, often by working off-campus. You should contact the finaid office about work opportunities during term time and also summer.</p>

34

<p>Ramapo College of New Jersey is my choice (they gave me Presidential scholarship: covering tuition and room)</p>

<p>Berea College : has a guaranteed tuition scholarship and work-study. And since I have high need, their financial aid offer said they are giving adittional grant will be covering room,meals, and books</p>

<p>So far these choices are the only ones financially viable for me. Still a small hope my wailtist at Barnard will come through.</p>

<p>I contacted Ramapo's fin aid about loans/work study. Still waiting for an answer. And I have 5000 saved up in my name since I had worked :)</p>

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<p>I think that you should go to the college that's offering the best financial deal. You don't need to major in biochemistry to go to medical school. I've friends who are doctors who majored in biology, and engineering. As long as you take the prerequisites for medical school, it doesn't matter what your major is.</p>

<p>In checking Berea's site, I'm impressed that a chemistry grad was a co-recipient of the Nobel prize in chemistry a few years ago.</p>

<p>I also like what the chemistry dept.'s site says: "
The Department of Chemistry offers a full set of courses designed to prepare a student for graduate study, medical school, secondary education, or work in the chemical industry"</p>

<p>I also liked these aspects of Berea as well as its expertise and experience with low income, first generation college students: "Our classes are taught by professors, not graduate students and our 10:1 student to teacher ratio means that you’ll receive the personal attention you need to succeed. And with over 45 majors, minors, and programs to chose from—you’ll probably find the field of study you are interested in—or develop new interests.</p>

<p>The laptop computers provided to every enrolled student allow our professors to use technology to enrich the classroom experience without excluding anyone (and you keep the laptop when you graduate)."</p>

<p>Meanwhile, prepare yourself for your mother's manipulative actions to escalate as you approach leaving home. Please get some kind of counseling for yourself to help you through the stress of dealing with her behavior.</p>

<p>Make sure, too, that you have control of your finances, and don't depend on her for anything, even a ride to whatever mode of transportation you'll use to go to college. One of my former students who had a mom similar to yours almost missed the bus to college because her mother had promised to take her, but then refused to at the last minute.</p>

<p>Do not depend on your mother for anything in regard to your college plans, because if you do, you're apt to be very disappointed.</p>

36

<p>Alright Northstarmom, I guess I should think about Berea more seriously too this week.
Ramapo's meal plans are only for the first year though it seems. After that, whether meal plans are required are based on the dorms we choose</p>

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<p>Skygirl,</p>

<p>I have nothing to add to the wonderful and insightful advice of Northstarmom and others here. I would just like to add my voice of admiration and encouragement to those of the other voices.</p>

<p>Good luck! :)</p>

38

<p>Ramapo is a very nice school, but Berea is well known nationally. You can be a chemistry major at Berea, and biochemistry is not a necessary major for ultimate academic focus...that is for graduate school. Berea specializes in support for students who have limited resources, and they make no assumption that someone will pick up the slack except for the students themselves. Every student works at Berea, so there is no socio-economic stigma, and there is a strong student-life staff and program. </p>

<p>Good luck, SkyGirl. We are all rooting for you, eager to support you. Lorelei</p>

39

<p>Wow, getting admitted to Berea is impressive, SkyGirl! I would think long and hard about it. Chemistry would be a great background for med school. The support system at Berea would be ideal. Working less will help tremendously, plus it would be great not to have to worry about losing the scholarship. I'll second NSM's sage advice not to count on your mom for anything throughout the process.</p>

40

<p>I also like Berea. I think that the fact that it is a Christian college may mean you get more support and encouragement, just because the spiritual is part of their mission. One of the colleges I'm an alum of was a Christian college and I really appreciated the concern for my personal well-being (not just education, though of course, that's the point) that my professors and the administration showed. In the challenging circumstances you are enduring, that may make a real difference.</p>

<p>The financial is also a big plus for Berea. You will have enough to worry about without constantly worrying if you can pay the bills. </p>

<p>I hope we'll hear back from you next year no matter where you go, that you are happy and doing well!</p>