We chose not to redshirt DS without considering the long-term consequences:

Parents Forum
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The purpose is this post is to encourage parents of kids born between October and December to think long-term when deciding whether or not to send them to kindergarten at 4. Our son has a late November birthday, and when he was 4, all that mattered to us was that he was ready for Kindergarten. We didn’t ask ourselves how he would do in high school and college. Thus, we sent him at 4, and he has ultimately been emotionally damaged because of it.

Now contrary to popular opinion, he didn’t feel as bad about being the last to get his driver’s license as one might expect. After all, it’s a hard and fast rule in this country that if you’re under 16, you’re now allowed a driver’s license. Thus, our son knew that his classmates weren’t driving before him because of anything he had done wrong; he knew that it was just the law and there was no reason for him to blame himself. However, our son experienced other problems that I’m sure were an indirect result of his relative age. However, because these problems were an indirect result, he had a much harder time not blaming himself for them.

One such example is that he failed Pre-Calculus his junior year, and had to retake it his senior year, meaning he graduated high school with no knowledge of Calculus. Whenever he got together with his friends to study during his senior year, he had to endure the shame of pulling out his Pre-Calculus textbook while all his friends pulled out their Calculus(and in some cases, Multivariable Calculus) textbooks.

But, most recently and most importantly, is that he failed to graduate from college in 4 years. Due to his immaturity when he entered college, he wasn’t able to handle as much as most of his classmates, and the result was that he ended up falling a year behind. He should’ve graduated this spring, but he didn’t. It’s going to be another year before he graduates and he is miserable about it. These past weeks, he’s had to endure his friends from high school as well as his friends from his first year at the university(including his old roommates) posting pictures of themselves in their caps and gowns on facebook. The moderator of that group, the other day, made a post saying, “Congratulations college grads!” which filled our son with shame. A parent of one of his friends from high school invited them to a college graduation party at their enormous house, to which our son had to gloomily decline. Even though he’s graduating next year, the people he’s going to graduate with are people he barely knows, whereas most people who graduate from college together have shared the full 4 years together, from start to finish.

I’ve never heard a parent say they regret redshirting, but I’ve heard many parents say they regret not redshirting, and now I understand why.

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There is nothing you can do about a past decision 16 years ago. At this point…look forward, and move forward.

Our state JUST passed legislation to change the start date for K kids. Instead of 5 before January 1, it will now be 5 before September 1. I know some of you will say that there will still be youngest kids in the classes…but as a veteran primary school educator, I’m can tell you…fully five when K starts is different than being almost 5.

We had a November birthday son who we chose to hold for a year.

Our second kid was a March birthday. Not an issue. But I will add, this kid never took high school calculus either and somehow managed to complete a college degree in engineering/biology. She said, taking calculus in college was right.

So please don’t bang your head against the wall because your kid didn’t take calculus in high school. And believe me when I say, many kids with later birthdays have maturity and time management issues in college…not just the young ones.

Best of luck to your son NOW. He will get where he needs to be. He needs to hear that!!

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One of our sons is a late Nov birthday. Was WAY ahead academically, but socially average, ADHD. I’m ashamed to admit how many times his class year was changed, as we struggled to find th right setting for him. We wound up with him repeating 4th grade for social reasons in a transition from private to public school, and that turned out to be the right setting for him, socially. Academically it didn’t make any difference - he was so far ahead no matter where he was placed. But it was more important to us that he fit in socially.

Funny thing is that eventually, the ADHD issue caused academic issues, and he wound up on a completely alternative path, working full time while attending college mostly at night, got his degree a few years later than his peers. He was who he was, whether we put him ahead or not.

I’m sorry that your son has had trouble. It’s really too bad that he felt so ashamed that he couldn’t go to college grad parties for his friends - he really should have gone! But I’m not sure that his troubles in late high school and college would have been any different had you held him before kgtn.

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My S21 was 4 when he started kindergarten and had no academic issues, at least none that I blamed on being one month younger than his peers. There are kids in S24s class who have birthdays 14 months ahead of the deadline and are no more advanced or mature than those who are at the deadline. Each kid is different and if your kid is not ready for school then hold them back. OP sorry for your kids troubles, hope it all works out!

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I think that’s on him, not you. Don’t blame your decision not to redshirt him for this or for graduating college a little later. My D22, also a late November birthday, started K at age 5 as per the law in our state. She was 18 most of her senior year and didn’t even take Pre-Calc (took Math 4) and she felt no shame when her friends did their Calculus homework. (As an aside did your son actually have textbooks? Most of my D22’s assignments for most of her classes were online.)

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Not everyone’s path to a college degree is linear. Plenty of kids take an extra semester or two to graduate due to a variety of reasons - struggling in a few classes, changing majors, taking a semester off, etc. They (hopefully) all end up with their chosen degree in the end. Its hard watching your classmates reach that finish line first but its not a race. Please stop comparing and try to change your mindset, and your son’s, around this. There’s no reason he had to “gloomily decline” the invite to his friend’s grad party at their “enormous house”. He should be happy to celebrate his friend’s accomplishments, and be proud of his own as well!

Both my kids have fall birthdays and due to moving states with a different kindergarten cut-off, both ended up as one of the oldest in their class. My oldest was the kid taking multivariable his senior year; my youngest barely passed pre-calc. One of my kid’s friends skipped a grade and is almost a year and a half younger than their classmates and they are excelling in every class. Age seems to matter less in academic success than other intrinsic factors.

Everyone’s path to - and definition of - “success” is different and that is okay! I hope your son can focus on HIS goals and finish strong and not compare himself to his friends.

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I am sorry he is upset about missing out.
He might consider counseling to let go of shame and embarrassment.
He has and continues to persevere.

He can celebrate his friends’s accomplishments. His true friends want him to attend. He is not less of a person for taking extra time to graduate.

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Constantly comparing oneself to others is a sure way to be miserable.

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This sentence makes me sad…because the son should have felt welcomed and could easily have attended. He didn’t need to gloomily decline.

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My son was the youngest in his class with most of the boys 14 months older than him. Honestly the boys were just all over the map on maturity with very little correlation with age. Statistically being significantly older than your peers increases risks for failing to finish high school. There’s no one answer and no crystal ball. Many kids of all ages have bumps in their academic journey. We know several kids who ended up taking a gap year during covid and were also fall birthdays who had been redshirted - now they’re significantly older than their classmates and it has it’s own social/emotional toll. Life’s a marathon - you just have to keep on keeping on.

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College is a journey, not a race. I hope this student gets some counseling to take himself out of the gloomy feeling…because really, there is no need for this.

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I held my youngest daughter back a year, since she had just arrived from a third world country at 4 1/2, had to adapt to a new culture and language, and had not had any exposure to academics. During elementary, middle, and high school, she often mentioned that she “should have” been in the grade ahead. She had to play up a level in sports and I think she was ashamed to be older than her classmates and in a lower grade than her teammates. I sent my oldest to kindergarten at 4 (almost 5) and he never had any problems, academically or socially. My niece skipped a grade and also did very well. My high school classmate, with a November birthday, excelled in school and later won a Nobel prize. Obviously, it didn’t hurt him to start school at 4 1/2. I think it depends on the individual, and a year or two (or more) difference really shouldn’t matter to students or their parents. I agree that some counseling for this young man might be helpful.

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It is not a good idea to push forward. What’s the hurry to grow up. Life is full of difficulties anyway once they grow up. If they take an extra year to get there (not really extra because that is the recommended path anyway), you get to spend an extra year with them.

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My kids all started K at age 4. I think second-guessing our parental decisions that are pretty benign as if they could have set our kids up with completely different–read: better–outcomes is a disservice to everyone. We cannot guarantee academic success, terrifying as that is.

I worked at a job once where I talked with people who were fired on a daily basis. To them, it felt so lonely and they were in quasi-shock at times. But from my vantage point, I had 10 other people in line to talk to who were also fired–repeat for 365 days a year. People lose their jobs, fail classes, get divorced, rear-end someone at a stop light, etc. all day, every day. It is far more common that it feels right now.

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My two kids are November and December.

The November child started K at 4 years old and excelled in school and at college. There has never been an issue.

The December kid started K at 4 and it was a disaster. He repeated K, which was a great decision for him. He ended up at a rigorous college and just graduated.

It’s dependent on the child.

Edit: It took me six years to graduate from college. MANY students don’t graduate in four years. There’s no shame in that.

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This is tough. However, life is a marathon, not a sprint.

In the US as a whole, many students take more than 4 years to graduate from university. Way back when I was in university I knew a few other students who took an extra year to graduate. In the end it worked out fine for them. Their parents did need to find a way to pay for an extra year.

I just found an article on-line that states that 41% of college students graduate with a bachelor’s degree within 4 years – which of course suggests that 59% do not. One argument that I have used to prefer in-state public universities is that if your study goes past 4 years then you will still be in-state, but financial aid might not still be available after 4 years.

A professor who I know has told me that he thinks that all of the smartest students who he has known have suffered from depression at some point. He might be exaggerating a bit, but it is very common.

And of course people put their successes on social media, but do not typically post their disappointments on social media.

I started as a freshman at MIT one week after my 17th birthday. In retrospect, I think that I should have taken a gap year and started a year later. However, my time turner is not in working order. I cannot go back and change this. We do the best we can with the situation we are in.

We need to find a way to get past this, stop comparing ourselves with others, and finish the job.

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My daughter was one of the youngest in her K-12 classes, as her birthday was just a couple of weeks before the cutoff date. She was emotionally ready for school though and caught up with academics pretty fast too.

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Students take gap years, switch majors, work, travel, have family emergencies, medical issues, run out of money, or myriad other reasons that make it impossible or impractical to graduate in four years.

Maybe share this thread with your son so that he is able to get some perspective.

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Everyone has to make the choice that is right for them. Here many people hold their boys with summer birthdays back (we have a September 1 cutoff). People even hold back May birthdays. Here they do it mainly for sports - a friend did it because her son “liked feeling like a leader” at age 5. My youngest has an August birthday and we struggled with it, but ultimately sent him on time. He’s the youngest in his grade all the time, but he’s the youngest of 3 and was always relatively mature. We will see how things turn out in high school.

You made the best choice you could with the information you had at the time. Don’t let hindsight laden you with guilt.

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It’s unfortunate that your son had the listed challenges, but there is no way to know whether the outcome would have been substantially better had he redshirted. There are many contributing factors to why kids have academic challenges besides whether they redshirted or not. The primary contributing factors may still have been present. There is also no way to change past decisions. Instead you and your son can only move forward.

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