well here's the risky essay for Haverford...

College Essays
1

<p>Since PMs are too fickle. Here. Sorry about the double threads, I am not this neurotic. </p>

<p>Haverford has this really cool, intensive Honor Code, which is vastly different from anything else I have seen. The students there are unwaveringly supportive, while at the same time demonstrate an engaged, modern attitude about how the Code should be implemented. Its one of the main reasons I'm so into the school. </p>

<p>I am inconfident about my prospects as I'm not the "best" student Haverford will review on paper, but I am also hopeful this essay helped seperate me from the pack. </p>

<p>Supplement Essay Topic: What an Honor Code means to you?</p>

<p>I knew it was unpopular. I knew what I was getting myself into. Did I think it would turn out like this? Probably not quite as bad, but I was meddling with sacred, symbolic beliefs.</p>

<p>Haverford College struck me as unique. One of the defining aspects of the school was its Honor Code. Haverford’s policy was markedly different than any other college I had seen. Haverford had a physical Honor Code, a living, breathing formal document which was ratified and amended by the student body annually. The Honor Code unreservedly placed an unprecedented level of trust within the students. The Code allowed its adherents to schedule their own exams, while stipulating certain restrictions, and demanding a respectable lifestyle. Students swore to take the code extremely seriously; they swore it was effective.</p>

<p>Though I admired the code’s democratic nature, it was hopelessly naïve. Only in an administrator’s wildest dreams could a group of several hundred twenty something year olds truly follow such loose guidelines with such concern and deliberateness. I swore that when I arrived the code would be abolished; I swore it was ineffective. </p>

<p>It was late winter of 2011 at Haverford; the Spring Plenary was fast approaching. My first move was to amass a tiny coalition of anti-Honor Code students. I found that lower and upper classmen alike were simply too afraid to speak out against the Honor Code, as they feared tradition and tacit understandings. They had conformed to conformity refusing to question the practicality of the Code. </p>

<p>Together my coalition of anti-Honor Code students and I anonymously disseminated pamphlets, flyers, and proclamations in dining halls, in dorms, outside classrooms, and throughout cyberspace. The outpour of information propagated the undeniable fact that the Honor Code acted as an irresponsible impediment to our educative career. People began to talk, whispering in hallways and gossiping in dorms. The groundswell had begun. The Honor Code was caught off guard; we had made it vulnerable. </p>

<p>Our anti-Honor Code coalition rapidly grew. Some of our members were skittishly confused while others were militantly defiant. We marched with picket signs, held rallies, and passed out half dollar sized anti-Honor Code buttons. As our coalition’s message grew louder and its membership larger, the level of animosity towards us swelled.</p>

<p>In the growing opposition to our counter movement, Pro-H.C. students harshly persecuted anyone who disagreed with them. Pro students wore scarlet armbands to symbolize their support for the Honor Code; there were “dorm cleansings” in which Pro students would forcibly remove any and all Anti students and force them into the smaller, less desirable housing. Pro students would congregate and block hallways; they would arrogantly eat all the good food, use all the hot water, and rent all the cheap text books.</p>

<p>A further blow to the stability of the school occurred when the freshmen, unaccustomed to the Honor Code, broke ranks with both movements and began their own anarchist revolution. Faculty tried to suppress the inflating tensions but their efforts were futile. Many believed that the Spring Plenary would break into sheer pandemonium. A Pro-H.C. student proposed the solution. He proposed that the freshmen, the Anti students, and the Pro students unite amongst themselves and create their own separate schools. What would’ve been inconceivable several months ago upon my arrival, now seemed to be the only realistic way to quell this revolution. I singlehandedly defeated the Honor Code. </p>

<p>Thankfully, we are not fearfully anticipating the Spring Plenary of 2011. Thankfully, I have never led Haverford to the brink of dissolution. Thankfully, this horribly chaotic alternate reality is avoidable due to the innate strength of Haverford’s Honor Code. The school’s Honor Code is in existence to encourage open debate and free thought. Though this Honor Code may allow such a grassroots campaign calling for change, its sound constructs make objectionable rebellion far from necessary. Haverford’s Honor Code would never create such hostile, secretive, malicious conditions. </p>

<p>A genuine honor code is one that masterfully balances freedom with responsibility, diligence with openness, and trust with individual integrity. An honor code thrives by and applies to students who exercise modesty, sincerity, and conscientiousness in their daily lives. </p>

<p>However, if such a revolution at Haverford ever did occur, I would proudly be wearing my scarlet armband.</p>

2

<p>Well there are certainly pros and cons:</p>

<p>The good:</p>

<ul>
<li>It’s definitely unique; I doubt they’ve read anything like it before</li>
<li>It’s well written, although it could have been shorter and written with less flowery description</li>
<li>You definitely show an understanding of the underpinnings of the honor code (eventually)</li>
</ul>

<p>The maybe not so good:</p>

<ul>
<li>This idea of civil war seems to be detracting from the opinion you’re trying to express</li>
<li>I don’t think it’s a good thing that you portray the “Pro H.C.” students acting in a manner not at all consistent with the honor code</li>
<li>As far as the reader is concerned, you don’t really seem to like the honor code until the last 2-3 sentences, at which point it might feel too late- that you might have already missed the point of the prompt</li>
</ul>

<p>I think in trying to be unique, you may have written a fine essay for a different prompt. But what do I know, I was in your position not long ago. I hope it works out for you</p>

3

<p>Yeah, agree with above… Perhaps write it in a historical context? you looking back on your years at college when this guy ‘x’ did this… conclude with the fact that you were wearing a red armband… else I really really enjoyed it. Have you watched “V for Vendetta”? Similar trail of thought. If not, then you certainly should. There is an uncanny resemblance in your essay to one scene. Identical. Also, with above, maybe a bit more moral actions from the pro-HC; make them act how they would if they based every one of their decisions on the code… </p>

<p>Erm, really like the idea though… Could be brilliant… Please pm me your next draft, whether or not you change it as I have suggested; really interested. And do not worry, will not try to steal ideas (tempted though…:)) apps are long in and am waiting for decisions on April 1st. Ironically, one of my schools in Princeton, with its’ own honour code. And yes I am international, and we spell things correctly :)</p>

4

<p>The major problem I see is your language… it’s horribly grating how you try to use vocabulary - especially in the second paragraph. Please don’t! It muddies your writing and makes it harder to understand what you’re saying. Here’s my breakdown of your second paragraph: <a href=“http://i178.■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■/albums/w279/jinghong77/bb.gif[/url]”>http://i178.■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■/albums/w279/jinghong77/bb.gif&lt;/a&gt;. I recommend you do this kind of streamlining to the rest of your essay too… for example, conditions can’t be secretive or malicious, skittish cannot be an adverb to confused, and fearing being bound by rules makes more sense than fearing “tacit understandings”, and you can’t fearfully anticipate. The phrase “irresponsible impediment to our educative career” alone made me cry. Don’t say that when you can say “hurt our education”. </p>

<p>Remember… you don’t need to feel the urge to write “formally” with “formal” diction. Some/most of the best essays I’ve read used no SAT words or non-conversational language. Good essays are concise, not fluffy. :D</p>

<p>Your second to last paragraph throws out a lot of million dollar words (freedom, responsibility, honor, integrity, diligence…) but doesn’t really SAY anything. I get that Honor Codes promote honor; how does that apply to you? Your pre-essay paragraph said much more than that paragraph did!</p>

<p>“Haverford has this really cool, intensive Honor Code, which is vastly different from anything else I have seen. The students there are unwaveringly supportive, while at the same time demonstrate an engaged, modern attitude about how the Code should be implemented. Its one of the main reasons I’m so into the school.”</p>

<p>I feel like a reader will get a much better view of you with this. Here you use specific(!!!) reasons and clear language - awesome. Your essay paragraph relies on cliches. : ( Why not take those feelings and work those into your essay instead? </p>

<p>Hope this helps!! (sorry if I come across as mean, but I’m not trying to be… I like to give honest critiques) If you want me to point out specific things in the rest of your essay too just ask :)</p>