What are my Chances? OMG I'm so devastated

Chance Me / Match Me!
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<p>Schools: Harvard, Princeton, Yale, John Hopkins, Stanford, MIT, Cornell, Dartmouth</p>

<p>I would love to go to MIT, but with my stat$ I think it's a bit out of my reach.</p>

<p>African-Vietnamese male, adopted by Dutch immigrants. My biological parents abandoned me in the jungles beside Hanoi.</p>

<p>Magnet School in Illinois.</p>

<p>Intended Major: Business, Engineering (Computer Science, Electrical, or BioChemical)</p>

<p>GPA: 3.9/4.0 4.70 Weighted This is so not where I want to be!
Rank: 1/958 (top 1%)</p>

<p>Taken all AP/Honors available.</p>

<p>Scores:
PSAT: 76 Reading, 78 Math, 79 Writing (273)
SAT: 800 Reading, 800 Math, 790 Writing Damn Essay! (2380)
ACT: 33 Composite; 35 Math, 33 Science, 33 Reading, 32 English, 8 Essay</p>

<p>SAT II - US History: 800, Math II: 800, Physics 780 (embarrassing), Literature: 730 (I'm a failure)
AP - Physics B: 5
APUSH - 5
AP Lang and Comp - 5
AP Calc AB - 5
AP Calc BC - 5
AP Chem - 5
AP Macro - 5
AP Bio - 5</p>

<p>Clubs -
National Honor Society President
French Club
Gay-Straight Alliance</p>

<p>ECs
Discovered an ephemeral cure for cancer
Work saturday nights as a teen security guard while my peers are out partying.
Met Steve Nash.</p>

<p>Sports
Varsity Basketball 3 years lettered all years
Varsity Football lettered all 3 years. I was an abnormally muscular freshmen.
Varsity Tennis lettered twice. Did Track Junior year and lettered in that as well. State Champion for my grade. :)</p>

<p>I know times are tough guys, and I'm willing to disclose all my ECs for a reliable chance. Here's a laundry list:</p>

<p>Awards/Honors -
Scholarship from Caltech to work on a research project.
Bribes from MIT to teach classes there.
AP Scholar with Distinction
NMSQT scholar
RYLA
Going to Boys Nation
Blasted Boys State because I own.
Honored for Philanthropic work in community. I'm just so rich.</p>

<p>Community Service -
700 hours in 3 years (junior year is completed right now)
60 school hours (helping with NHS)
Helped in a local soupkitchen.
Fed rodents - uh I mean the incarcerated and destitute
Led a crusade against meretricious women and solipsistic D-bags at school
Tutored the impoverished.</p>

<p>Thank you for your time. I hope I'm not wasting your time here. I'm just sooo exasperated. I mean I'm in incoming senior and I have absolutely nooooooooo chance of admission into my dream schools. Ever since I was born I was computing statistics, studying economic trends, and solving calculus problems while my parents rested aback in awe. Now I'm just so scared that I won't be able to fulfill their dreams (as well as my dream) of getting into the most prestigious of schools
Please chance me!</p>

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<p>hahahahahahhahaha this is great.</p>

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<p>might as well give up and drop out… flip burgers at McD’s since those stats will not get you into an Ivy for sure!</p>

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<p>What the? Bribes from MIT to teach classes lol. Im guessin ■■■■■?</p>

<p>Sent from my SGH-T959 using CC App</p>

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<p>whats wrong with community college</p>

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<p><3333333333
If I could hug you, I would.</p>

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<p>Love this!</p>

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<p>Yes guys, this is a ■■■■■ :P</p>

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<p>Will you need financial aid?</p>

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<p>Oh my, a 2390/2400 in SATs? that is simply not good enough. Well you can always apply to a community college or something and get better grades there and transfer.</p>

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<p>Lol, I thought this was a serious post until I got to the cure for cancer.</p>

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<p>Really man? The “stat$” didn’t catch your attention. lol</p>

<p>and the 273 PSAT. It’s only out of 240 lmao</p>

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<p>the 273 looked like a typo b/c the breakdown was legit.</p>

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<p>The rodents, I mean incarcerated and destitute. Made my day, oh my god.
You should get into the schools based on comic talent :P</p>

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<p>*comedic
Ohmygod</p>

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<p>Well you’re a URM, so OF COURSE you’ll get in everywhere and take all of the spots from the rest of us amazing, hard-working non-URMS who obviously deserve it more than you. #SMH.</p>

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<p>Someone bump this man up yo!
bump bump bump lmao</p>

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<p>have you considered taking a gap year?</p>

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<p>bump.yayaya</p>