Both my parents and I were very satisfied with the list of colleges to which I applied. It included a good range of safeties, matches, and reaches, and I would be happy to attend any one of them. However, all of them are quite far away. The closest is a 7-hour drive, and the furthest are a plane ride to the other side of the country. I wanted to leave my small-ish town, and none of the closer universities were a good fit for me. The finances worked out, and everything seemed great.
As the day I leave gets closer and closer, it’s getting harder and harder on my parents. I’m their oldest. I know that my dad cries sometimes. For my mom, her anxiety manifests in her getting more and more overbearing. Last year, as long as I told her where I was, she didn’t mind when I came home. Now, she’s started to set curfews, and they keep getting earlier. In September, it was 12:30. This weekend, it was 9:00. That’s just one example. I understand they love me and will miss me when I’m gone, but I feel like this is starting to get ridiculous. Is there anything I can do to help them with this process? Is there anything you wish your kids had done for you?
I recommend Family therapy. Wouldn’t hurt to go a few sessions before you leave. Sounds like you have good insight. Offer to spend quality time with them such as engaging in activities you have enjoyed doing together as a family in the past. Unfortunately the curfews and rules you should follow because your under their roof and their responsibility. But a therapist can be helpful in addressing this as a neutral party and can possibly help you guys come to an agreement that is a win win situation. Good luck with this and your college experience!
I don’t think family therapy is necessary. Be kind to your parents, don’t get busted for drinking (or anything), and remind them that you’re going to college, not leaving for an around-the-globe sailing trip (or whatever). And take comfort from the fact that they’ll miss you.
@22mom I don’t know that therapy is the answer. We’re not having any problems besides me being a little frustrated.
@rosered55 Luckily, I don’t drink and I’m a thoughtful kid, which was why my mom used to be so lenient with me. I don’t know that where I’m going matters; just the fact that I am going is enough to make them anxious.
Your parents sound very normal, @ski_racer, as do you. I don’t think I gave my children earlier curfews during their senior year, but I did cry in the car a lot. I tried not to get wigged out when I was in their presence, though I hope they knew how much I was going to miss them anyway!
When you get to college, keep in touch! You will be busy meeting new people, with classes and ECs, studying, etc. They will be living pretty much their same lives at home, and eagerly awaiting updates. Text when you think of them (if they text), call once or twice a week, etc. And tell them thanks for everything they have done for you, and if they are paying for your education. For me, getting regular updates so I could feel like I still knew what was going on in their lives, and knowing that they appreciated the opportunity and were getting a lot out of it made it a lot easier once they left for school.
I didn’t recommend fherapy because I thought your family is having abnormal problems or that I think therapy is the answer. I am a therapist myself, and a parent of a son (my only child) who is going away this fall to college. I am also struggling with my own anxieties about this and I have found therapy very helpful in releasing my emotions for an hour away from my son. in the past for my own anxieties about parenting, therapy for myself has been very helpful. I have also seen lots of normal and healthy parents who are anxious about many different family issues and most often their feedback is that it is helpful to be able to express their emotions in a supportive place and get suggestions on how to manage them and be a support to their child who is excited about starting college. I realize for some “therapy” suggests “abnormal or unhealthiness”. Not true!
Set up all their communications devices. Skype, texts, instagram. Start using them now so they can see how easy it will be to contact you. When you find out something about your school, share it with them. “Hey look, it’s international week at State U and they are serving Indian food tonight.” If they have FB, have them join the school pages and they’ll start getting notices about what the sports teams are doing or the career fairs on campus or a student working at the Olympics (received a few of those this week) FB is just for old people now, so no fear they’ll actually learn anything important about your school.
@twoinanddone @intparent is there anything I can do now, before I leave, that will help them be more calm (and help my mom loosen her grip a little bit)?
Would she accept check-in text messages in exchange for a later curfew?
Mmm… maybe not. Let her hold on… it is SUPER hard to have your kids leave. Remember that she’s invested 18 years into getting you to this point. And it is going to be a big gap for her when you leave. She loves you – it sure beats being a kid whose parents don’t care if they leave! Let her give you advice, teach you stuff like how to do laundry if you need to know, pick out dorm room stuff, etc. Someday your kids will be leaving for college, and you’ll feel the same way.
@rosered55 Probably not. I told her I was hungry the other day and she asked if I was pregnant (no!). The questions like that have increased in frequency as my curfew has gotten earlier.
Yes, as I said start doing group text chats now, have her get the daily/weekly FB from the school. If your younger siblings have phones, get them on the group chat too.
I think the only thing that helped my sister let go of her oldest was that she already knew when she’d (mom) go visit and when my niece would come home. For her, both Thanksgiving and Christmas niece would be home, and my sister went to visit the 3rd week in Sept, which was both their birthdays.
You sound very thoughtful and considerate.
I agree with others that once you are there, keep in touch. Skype can be great because you’ve got that video face to face interaction. For me, being with my kids in person > skyping and being able to actually see them > a phone call and being able to actually hear their voice > email/text.
As far as now, have you tried sitting down with them and having a heart to heart talk about the restrictions and stuff, and just you leaving in general? If not, it is worth trying.
Go see Ladybird together. 
You can already buy it on Amazon Prime and watch it today.
Mom’s thoughts: “Daughter is leaving for college soon. Only six more months for me to even know when she returns home at night, much less impose a curfew. Aargh!!! Must crack down and engage in misguided demonstrations of control while I can!” “Misguided” not because it’s wrong for your mom to be concerned but because we parents really don’t have control, of our children or much of anything else. Maybe focus on expressing empathy and telling her you’ll miss her, too (like when she gets you a snack because you say you’re hungry).
@twoinanddone I’ve had a group chat going with my family for a few years now, but I’ll definitely have them join the Facebook group once I’ve decided on a school. Visits might be reserved only for Christmas though, depending on where I end up. My home airport is small and regional and in Idaho, so if I end up in Massachussets or New Jersey or upstate New York, air travel gets long and expensive.
It might help if they understood that you share their anxiety. Might it be helpful to tell them that although you’re excited to go off to college, you’re really going to miss them, and that you’ll all need to work through this together?
If you guys have iPhones, starts FaceTiming now so they can see how well FaceTime works. Visually seeing someone while talking makes a huge difference.
I know you said travel will take a long time and/or be very expensive, but for this first year if you can at all afford for your parents to come to Parents Weekend and you to go home for Thanksgiving, that really breaks things down to more manageable bites. And, just hearing you talk about your desire to come home will help allieviate some fear that you’re going to go away and never want to come back. I think you come from a state where there aren’t many big cities and not as many job opportunities as other places, so I suspect that’s weighing heavily on your parents’ minds.
@melvin123 We’re a steadfast android family I was planning on spending Thanksgiving with my grandparents, who live in Connecticut. For Parents Weekend, I was considering inviting my aunt (also in CT) if my parents couldn’t make it. I really, really want to come back to Idaho during Christmas break, because my favorite place to ski doesn’t usually have snow over Thanksgiving break. It’s a little mom-and-pop mountain and my whole family loves it. Waiting until Christmas also means I’ll be able to ski with my teammates. I’m also definitely moving back to ID/WY/MT once I finish my degree, but that’s a long ways away.