What Do You Do When Someone Considers You a Friend, But...

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>... you don't consider them likewise. This happened about four other times in the past year, which surprises the hell out of me, but let's focus on one.</p>

<p>There's a chick who was in my calculus class last semester. We sat next to each other and eventually started talking a little bit in class. Problems just started from there, such as the fact that she talked loud in class, DURING class and we sat in the front row! Our teacher sometimes made mistakes and got lost in his own work (he was about eight hundred years old, so it happens sometimes) but she just started complaining about him when he was less then fifteen feet in front of us! Obviously not the master of social graces but, whatever, I shushed her and life continued. Then she follows me out of class and a bunch of my friends are standing outside, chatting on the grass. She's following me so I introduce her and we sit down for a bit and she starts to talk and gush and whatnot. She says some weird and embarrassing things and eventually I have to go to my next class and we part. My friends were a bit weirded out by her, as I later found out, but the next class we had, she chattered on about how great my friends were and how fun it was to talk to us all and hey maybe we should go out for drinks tomorrow? I'm uneasy because I know that she made me and my friends uncomfortable but I reluctantly agree. </p>

<p>Next night, we all go to our favorite hangout and we meet chick there. She doesn't drink but still manages to fawn, moan about her life (homework, boyfriend, school, grades, etc), and contribute nothing to the conversation. Needless to say, everyone was put out by the end of it and we parted ways. She still wants to hang out.</p>

<p>I KNOW she's just trying to be friendly and meet people in college, and it's not a sort of "How DARE she try to by MY friend!?" attitude. I don't mind talking to people who strike up a conversation, but it's awkward when people think you're intimate friends and then expect you to feel the same way. </p>

<p>I am friends with my friends because we are all very ambitious, adventurous, and have things in common. I hate to sound like a dick but I don't have time or energy for people who are 'typical college kids' who scrape by, get drunk on weekends, jerk and moan about their everyday minutiae, and are just generally very vanilla people. It's not that they're not good enough to be my friends or any high-horse nonsense like that, but I would tolerate it if it didn't happen about five times a semester. </p>

<p>Advice? Experiences? Opinions? </p>

<p>(And I know there will probably be someone who thinks I'm a gigantic snob for not being everyone's friend. Just a disclaimer; I do not think I'm better than them or that they aren't 'worthy of me'. Put yourself in my shoes!)</p>

2

<p>Find out something / some idea that she thinks highly of, and casually mention the exact opposite opinion.</p>

3

<p>
[QUOTE=pandem]

Find out something / some idea that she thinks highly of, and casually mention the exact opposite opinion.

[/quote]
I second this suggestion. Discreetly discern her political and/or religious views and express casual disgust for them in front of her.</p>

4

<p>Or you could just not invite her places/go places when she asks/introduce her to your friends.</p>

5

<p>or you can have sex with her and still remain friends.</p>

6

<p>^ Have sex with the person? She’s looking for serious feedback, not dumb ones…</p>

<p>I think what sucks about this whole thing is that if she tries to not see the person anymore for any reason, she would seem like the bad person. Like if she purposely doesn’t invite the chick to hang out with her friends, the chick might see her as stuck up. If she confronts the chick and tell her that she gets a little annoying or she comes off as a little creepy and too forward, then the chick will think she is judging and will think “And you are the perfect one…little Miss Goody two shoes aren’t you?”</p>

<p>But I say definitely don’t purposely oppose her political views (or any other views for the matter) because most likely you don’t mean it. I am guessing what I am saying is to not be an a$$ by saying things you don’t mean at all. </p>

<p>Ideally, you should tell the chick that she’s a little annoying and comes off as a little too forward so you two should both give each other some space. However, the chick will take this the wrong way, call you stuck up and think that you are not Ms. Perfect yourself either. And the only reason I say “ideally” is because most people (at least from my experiences) don’t want to tell the truth to hurt the person so they simply go around the problem (the more realistic approach). This has never really happened to me (in fact, I have prolly been the chick…the annoying person who tries to hang others) but it happened to my friend. He simply went around the problem…which is whenever the person calls, he will just say he is busy (same excuse when he runs into him) and then never talk to the person ever again. Then after a while, the person will take the hint and just stop trying to talk/hang out with you. </p>

<p>It’s kind of like calling someone you like but the person doesn’t like you back. You make several calls to the person but the person never calls back (the going-around method). The person doesn’t want to hurt you by saying he/she doesn’t like you so the person just simply don’t pick up or call back when you call and eventually, you take the hint and move on.</p>

<p>Again, not trying to generalize people but it’s just that from my experiences, people rather go around the problem.</p>

7

<p>I don’t think you sound like a snob, sometimes people don’t mesh well, and there’s nothing you can do. You should hang out one more time, tell your friends to not be so biased beforehand and then if she’s not a good fit for your group then start dodging!</p>

8

<p>I had the exact same problem last year. I had to start ignoring her and dodging around the corner every time I saw her, and never making eye contact or smiling. It was difficult for me because I’m a very non-confrontational person and if she’d called me out on it I would have mumbled something like, “Oh, no, you’re great, I’m not avoiding you” but luckily she didn’t. She made new friends after a while.</p>

<p>Maybe that would work for you? I don’t know. It does seem kind of weak to do that. I’m just surprised this kind of thing has happened to anybody else.</p>

9

<p>I think I’ve been in the situation she’s in right now before (meaning that I was attaching myself to people who didn’t really want me around). I eventually picked up on it. If after a little while she doesn’t pick up on it, probably easiest to just tell her. You might sound like an ass but she’s wasting her time trying to be your friend, when she should be trying to be friends with someone who wants to be her friend. It’d be best for both of you.</p>

10

<p>Heh, thanks Irviner and Quasi. It’s not in my nature to dodge problems like that, but it’s an option. The only problem is that it happens so often that I’d be dodging a lot of people by the end of next year if this trend keeps up, so I need a more direct method I think. And QwertyKey, thank you because you’re right. The trick is how to not sound like an ass. I still have to see these people afterward and it makes life difficult when ‘word gets around’ and half of my department or class thinks I’m an unapproachable ass.</p>

<p>Bdmet- My friends were relatively unbiased before meeting her actually. She just sort of… invited herself along and the first impression they got was negative.</p>

<p>At the risk of sounding like an elitist butt, I don’t have time for everyone who wants to hang out with me and my little group because they usually end up causing problems and sort of mooching off the rest of us. Like if we go to study, the person goes along and constantly asks for help (like one dude in fall semester that I eventually had to bluntly deal with) or sits with someone in the back of a class and try to have entire conversations while they’re supposed to be taking notes (also fall semester). The reason my group works so well is because we’re all driven and expect a lot from each other. When you add someone to the mix that’s like “LOLOLOL math is hard guys!” it throws off the dynamic and it’s sort of annoying. Like if I’m discussing an interesting research project at lunch and in response I get “Okay guys, I got so drunk last night that I barfed in someone’s handbag!” </p>

<p>It’s 4AM where I am, so perhaps this is a bit muddled (in which case, my apologies).</p>

11

<p>I know exactly how you feel- that sort of thing has happened to me a couple of times in the past year.
Perhaps you should try introducing her to other people with similar, get her to join some clubs, or anything so that she will find friends who actually like her despite her somewhat obnoxious attitude.
If all else fails and she doesn’t pick up on her subtle hints that she needs to get her own friends, just tell her straight out that you don’t think she’s a good fit among your friends. Sometimes being blunt is the only option, and besides, you’ll feel better just telling her instead of talking behind her back. Don’t worry, she’ll get over it. And if she doesn’t… well, it’s no big loss.</p>