What do you think about my Common App short response?

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).</p>

<p>Sitting in the locker room I listened to the beat of my heart in silence, preparing. I walked out on the field ready to play a football game. Our season was 0-8; our coach kept saying winning the last game would erase a season of mistakes. This game meant one last chance to redeem ourselves, as a team, and as brothers. I played my best that game, but my best couldn’t help us win. I congratulated the other team and walked to my sideline; the Coach’s speech was drowning in and out. My eyes welled, and the tears soaked into my face. I approached my Coach, no words were spoken—only a hug, and as I pulled away he began to cry. I headed towards my Father, crying on his shoulder he whispered to me, “Watching you play football for the past eleven years couldn’t have made me any prouder, I love you.” My heart sank, and the tears only grew stronger. Persistence and passion are needed for success, and if success doesn’t come at first don’t lose hope. As one door painfully closes, another opens.</p>

2

<p>It is a really good essay… but try to explain more what you did rather than how you felt. For example what position did you play? I don’t know, but I thought you were explain how you interacted in the activity. But overall a really solid essay with good grammar and vocab</p>