Alright, my ACT and GPA is average for the freshman CMC profile. I only have one AP course, but I have strong extracurricular activities. Since I was kind of average for a student applying to CMC, I decided to take a risk. Let me know what you think!
Claremont McKenna, early on I learned you were unique. I was once told that each college has its own personality. When I saw you, I understood what that meant. With an environment that fosters intellectual curiosity and open-mindedness, I quickly fell in love. Your highly regarded professors would help me reach new academic levels, and I can give back through my future leadership in activities. The consortium of colleges would grant me endless resources giving flexibility to my endeavors, and your liberal arts program molds perfectly with my preferred style of education. I love that your learning environment is campus wide because of the various perspectives students offer. I am infatuated with your outgoing students that flourish the campus because of their love for life. My holistic view of Claremont McKenna inspired me to undoubtedly apply. I frequently catch myself daydreaming of being a CMC student actively discussing various topics with my peers at the Hub, and I am truly engulfed with the idea of someday learning on your campus. You are the last thing I think about before I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. Claremont McKenna, will you marry me?
Pretty good although I might add a few specifics about the school (certain programs, buildings, opportunities, dining halls that you like, etc). Otherwise I could replace “Claremont-McKenna” with many other school names and this essay would work for those schools. I like the love theme you have but try to not sound too extreme to the point of being ingenuine. I mean, do you really think about Claremont-McKenna before going to bed every night?
Personally I am not as taken with the anthropomorphizing of the school. To me it sounds a little tired. Everyone just “falls in love” with a school after only visiting. Seems to me to be analogous to falling in love with a person you have never spoken to or hardly really know. Also maybe a little juvenile. But even if you want to stick with that, there are a few errors.
There should be a comma after “resources”, and a period after “endeavors”. Then drop the “and” and start the next sentence with “Your”.
I don’t understand the phrase “your learning environment is campus wide because of the various perspectives students offer.” What does the campus have to do with it? I think you are trying to say that the environment fosters a wide range of perspectives, leading to a more intellectual experience. It is just an odd phrasing.
“…outgoing students that flourish the campus.” Makes no sense at all. Students can flourish on campus, or you can make a campus flourish, but I am not familiar with flourish as being something you do to something else in that manner.
“…inspired me to undoubtedly apply”. Again, and sorry to be so blunt, but that makes no sense. “My holistic view of CMC inspired me so that there was no doubt remaining that I would apply.” or anything like that.
Finally, while I would say “engulfed” is not wrong, it again seems like an odd choice. I think maybe you were going for enamored?
I am waiting for the frantic post to a Mod (like @fallenchemist ) to take this down. I’m reminded of the Pete Seegar song, “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”
“Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?”
Aside from that fallenchemist may be “blunt” but he/she is correct in the analysis.
@fallenchemist I appreciate your honest response. I understand that I took a risk. I did make a mistake by posting this essay on here, but there is nothing I can do now. I’m not one to stress out over it or anything. Would you possibly be interested in evaluating my commonapp essay if I emailed it to you? I’m interested in your response. Thanks.
if you haven’t read this before-then it’s a pretty impressive idea to have. However, literally every single uni probably knows of this essay, it’s been circulated soooo much because of its ‘cheekiness’.
So, they might be wary of your essay because of the similarities
The last line sounds clingy to tentative aspirations, a bit too winsome(with respect to the negative connotation of child-like innocence attempting to charm but sounding naïve in the process thereof) to work as a rhetorical ploy. You wouldn’t marry a person at first sight, why would you marry a college? Even though your language is elevated and complex it conveys platitudes admissions committees are frankly bored of reading. Certainly an above-average effort but certainly not refined enough to clinch admission
