<p>Describe the world you come from-for example your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<p>I was standing inside the school gym, waiting patiently for someone to pass me a basketball so I can begin to practice my shooting. I began talking to my father when all of sudden, I got hit in the head with a basketball. I began to tear up a little, not because I was in pain, but more because I was a little embarrassed for not seeing the ball. My father came to me, took me out of the gym and gave me some ice, and told me not to worry and to be strong.
I still remember that day of practice ten years ago. My family has had a profound impact on my life. I have many dreams, and my whole family has definitely influenced those aspirations. When I grow older, I hope to have a successful occupation in the business field. My father and two of my uncles have experience in fields like accounting and economics. All of them seem so knowledgeable and successful that I wanted to follow in their footsteps. When they heard that I wanted to major in the business field, I think a deeper connection developed. We now have more to talk about because of our similar interests. They gave me great advice about the financial world like what businesses are going to be surging in the future, what economic indicators I should be aware of, and various concepts about international business. The success that my uncles and father had achieved and their full support have been very encouraging in my pursuit to major in an area of business.
One common trait that I noticed in my whole family is that my parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents are all good parents. All of them suffered in their childhood; however, presently they are all much more successful in comparison to their past. They all strive to give their kids everything that they could not have as a child. Whether it is paying for music lessons or encouraging us to try new activities, they would do whatever it took to keep us happy and engaged. They all taught their children to respect what they have, and to always be generous, kind and strong. I hope that in the future, when I have a family of my own, I raise my kids in a similar manner. My dream to raise my children with good manners confidence and determination was definitely influenced by the way my family raised their kids.
Many kids do not have a closely knit family like mine. I am very grateful for my whole family because all of them have influenced my dreams and aspirations like my preferred career choice and the process of raising kids. </p>
<p>Tell me what u guys think and what I should improve on</p>
<p>Come on I really need some help here guys</p>
<p>Here is my opinion how your essay can shine more. Consider a more passionate tone in telling your story about your family. The current tone sounds a bit monotone. It’s great you’re interested in business. As the reader, I’d like to hear more about how you specifically have actively pursue this area. Lastly, the essay hasn’t proven that the your family is closely knitted, and how do you contribute to this aspect of your family culture.</p>
<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck! : )</p>
<p>Thanks for the response! Yea after I posted this essay I noticed some more things I can improve on, so I took some parts out, and added a few also. Heres the new copy.</p>
<p>There I was, sitting in front of the computer monitor; my eyes barely open and as red as the shirt I was wearing. I was completely drained. I could not even think straight, let alone write a business plan. Nevertheless, I knew that being co-president of the business sub team in FIRST Robotics entailed doing things that are both important and time-consuming. Eventually, I realized that I did not need to complete this assignment on my own; I quickly turned to my dad and asked him “Hey Dad, do you have a couple minutes?”
My family has had a profound impact on my life. I have many dreams, and my whole family has definitely influenced those aspirations. My father and two of my uncles have experience in fields like accounting and economics. All of them are so knowledgeable and successful that I wanted to follow in their footsteps. When they heard that I wanted to major in the business field, I think a deeper connection developed. We had more to talk about because of our similar interests. They gave me great advice about the financial world like what businesses are going to be surging in the future, what economic indicators I should be aware of, and various concepts about international business. In addition, they encouraged me to start reading magazines like, “Money” and “Forbes” to obtain a firmer grasp about the business community. Also, my uncles and father influenced my selection of courses in high school. Ever since my freshman year, I have incorporated business electives into my course schedule. I took courses like Introduction to Business, Accounting, International Business, AP Microeconomics and AP Macroeconomics which helped broaden my knowledge about the business world. I also joined various business clubs like FBLA, FLDC, and the business sub team in Robotics. Whenever I needed help with any problems like studying for tests or creating a business plan, they were always there to help, and I can honestly attribute some of my success to their support. The success that my uncles and father had achieved and their full support have been very encouraging in my pursuit to major in an area of business.
Many kids do not have a supportive family like mine. I am very grateful for my whole family because all of them have influenced my goals in high school. Whether it was something small like help on a presentation, or something major like a possible career choice, they were always there for me. Even if I happen to be across the country in the future, I am sure they will be right there if I need any guidance or support.</p>
<p>Here are more thoughts:</p>
<p>I like the details of the robotic example, but not about asking for help from your dad. That might portray student to be too dependent and not as capable.</p>
<p>Don’t waste words listing your courses and extracurriculars, they’re already on the app. </p>
<p>Consider sharing more stories about YOU that can show admissions about your strengths and traits. The second paragraph makes you appear to be too dependent and require lots of guidance. </p>
<p>Sorry to be so straight forward but deadline is 11/30.</p>
<p>Best of luck! :)</p>