<p>The first paragraph attracts attention and one feels like reading on. But then the story changes and the rooster/your identity metaphor really doesn’t work. It’s too forced. You never come back to the rooster thing anyway, so there is no main thread so to speak that runs through the whole essay.</p>
<p>Two bits of advice if I may:</p>
<p>Tell a story. Don’t list your concerns, worries, struggles, victories. Tell a story and have these ideas show through. It will sound super repetitive but there is truth in the advice: show don’t tell.</p>
<p>Make yourself likeable to the person who reads your essay. Make them want to have you in their incoming freshman class. </p>