What Do you think of my Transfer Essay?

<p>The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, or Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals.</p>

<p>The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania is one that thrives on the dedication and ambition of its students. Penn's connections to the Philadelphia and worldwide community are very important to me. Learning opportunities outside of the classroom, such as WIP (Wharton International Program) would allow me to experience other region’s business and cultural environments. As a big fan of travel and education, if I were given the opportunity, I would completely immerse myself in the lectures and practice the skills I learned with my Communications Degree to better my business skills, as well as partake in many of the available networking opportunities. </p>

<p>The diversity of Wharton is simply astounding. I enjoy conversing with those of different backgrounds as well as life experiences, as it opens up doors for exchanges of ideas and modes of doing things. Such opportunities pave way for intercultural understanding as well as nurture a powerful environment where different backgrounds are appreciated.</p>

<p>The richness of Penn's education is evident in its student-run activities, particularly the Student Government. As a student leader, Secretary of the Entrepreneur Club, and Senator of the Communications Committee in Suffolk County Community College’s(SCCC) Student Government Association, I participated in the 2014 SUNY Community College Day, in Albany. I, along with several other student leaders went before Senators and Budget-Makers New York to advocate a larger budget for the four campuses of SCCC. The involvement of Penn students in clubs as well as club events truly astonished me, and acts as the perfect exhibit of how Penn brings students from so many fields of study together through their commonalities. I find that Penn is an establishment that has many other like-minded individuals that share the same goals and determination as I. As someone who enjoys spending the majority of my time on campus, Penn’s broad selection of clubs and ongoing activities are some of wonderful elements that put Penn at the very top of my list. </p>

<p>I am a strong advocate of the arts. In my free time, I enjoy acting in theatrical productions. I love that at Penn, students are required to take 40% of their curriculum in the liberal arts. That not only permits me to do so many things I enjoy at once (study business and act), but it allows me to meet other students who also share the same passions as I. </p>

<p>The individual support provided by Wharton is very important to me. I can meet with counselors, professors and other educators about problems I may be facing. It is a great feeling, to know that I am never alone, and can find the help I may need. While since a very young age I have liked doing things on my own, I often like to be re-assured that I am on the right path. </p>

<p>I am ready to explore life at Penn, both as a focused learner and a curious mind. At seventeen years old, I have over 7 years of entrepreneurial experience and a yearning for business. No matter where I find myself among the student body at Wharton, I am poised that I will add to their highly esteemed student body.</p>

<p>Disclaimer: I’m a fellow transfer applicant</p>

<p>Your essay talks about many of the same things as mine (WIP, diversity, Penn’s clubs, 40% of curriculum in the college, career help). I think it might have helped to mention specific clubs that you’re interested in but you showed that you’re involved at your current school so it shouldn’t be a problem. You say “I have over 7 years of entrepreneurial experience and a yearning for business”, did you talk more about that in the Common App essay or have stuff listed on your activities section that support this? Also just out of personal curiosity, are you a current freshman or sophomore? What are your stats?</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>I submitted a resume with my entrepreneurial experience, but you’re right. I could have expanded a bit more on that. </p>

<p>I am currently a sophomore with 40 credits. An A average and phi theta kappa member. </p>

<p>I didn’t think to do some of the things you mentioned, :confused: man.
Good luck to you too!</p>

<p>@william95‌ </p>