<p>Prompt#1:
Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<p>My essay:
In seventeen years of life, I finally came to realize that my family lived a hard life in America. They came to America not knowing how to speak English and struggling to find jobs to raise a family. I come to realize why my parents and family pushes me to work hard in school. It was important to my parents and family that their children not have to face struggles they faced -they wanted more for their children. Listening to my parents telling me about how Chinese people in China struggle through life because of poverty. It made me realize that I cannot let myself down and live such a life. I had a responsibility to live up to my potential. Even through all these struggles that my parents face each and everyday, they still manage to save some money and open up a business to raise four children.
Some major obstacles that I face throughout most of my life is coming from a family who own a business. Therefore, having parents who own a business made my life more arduous because I have to help them, while maintaining good grades, as well as balancing with playing sports. Having a family who own a business is almost as if I have my own career. As much as I hate working with my parents at work, it gave me valuable working skills that might be helpful for me in the future. For example, it gave me an opportunity to communicate with customers, which is a useful way to practice my communication skills. I came from a family that is supportive and strict most of the time. Achieving goals in life and doing the best I can in school are one of the key things that my family tells me are extremely important.
My family has shaped my dreams and aspirations in life because they support and encourage me to do well in school. For example, my grandparents always told me to do my very best in school in order to have a successful career. My grandpa told me that it is hard right now, but it all pays off after college when I have a great career and a successful future ahead of me. Furthermore, my mom told me to get the best possible grades I can in order to get accepted to one of the best universities in California and to strive for success no matter how challenging it is. Their tendency to encouragement made me stronger as a person. It made me believe in myself that I am capable of reaching my dreams in life. My family encourage me to choose a career that I have a passion for and not criticize me for a career that they would like me to pursue.
Furthermore, of all the obstacles that I faced, I still feel unbelievably confident in myself that I do have what it takes to become a professional graphic designer. It is my goal to reach my dreams and have a more successful career than my parents. These obstacles will not make me want to give up, but will make me have a tendency to strive harder in anything that I do in life. </p>
<p>Please don't just read the essay, check for any spelling errors or punctuation as well.</p>
<p>your overall topic/ideas are good. some parts are very strong like the last sentence. i felt that was your overall moral of the story, but you need to emphasize that more. be more subtle and try to talk about more about how your parent's stories of china have encouraged you to work hard. is it only because you don't want to end up like that or because you feel you owe to your parents? maybe you are fulfilling your dream whilst fulfilling there's?</p>
<p>Try to write in the NOW. Your essay needs to be in the same tense. You start by using past tense and move to present. Revise the essay to be in the present tense. Also, change the sentence where you say you "hate" to work in your parents business to one that is less dramatic-something like, "Although I don't always like working in my parent's shop..." You might want to include a sentence or two about how the skills you've learned through working with your parents will help you to contribute to the campus community. Perhaps a word or two about how you are used to working so many hours that you know you will want to stay busy at the university by volunteering for ______ or something about how you look forward to joining other children of immigrants once on campus to talk about your experiences or whatever. Once you put one thing in there about accomplishing something outside of you and your degree, then you will have a strong essay. Just show them you intend to be an involved member of the student body who will contribute to the university while getting your degree.</p>
<p>i have only a few things to say about this essay. first thing, it's waaaaay too cliche. it's been done way too many times by way too many people. look, you can do this essay, no doubt. however, if you want to do it, you have to be original. every single asian kid is going to have an essay about his family's difficulties about coming to this country, yada yada. i know you have faced those difficulties - believe me i have too (as have a large amount of the other kids who are going to apply to berkeley and LA). there's no doubt that you're a good writer. you just need something more unique to write about.
the other issue i'd like to address is your viewpoint/tense. it's constantly changing. make sure that you write your essays in one viewpoint, past, present or future and stay there. it can be frustrating for a reader to sort our what happened when and it takes the "bang" out of an essay when you constantly change tenses.</p>
<p>sorry if i was too harsh - sometimes i can be. "constructive" criticism can be painful and destructive at times. best of luck in your quest for college!</p>
<p>Before I start being rude, allow me to introduce myself.</p>
<h2>My name is ____, I'm a first generation chinese immigrant living in the bay area. My mom is a waitress and my dad is unemployed.</h2>
<p>Your essay is NOT original. Becuase this is a UC essay, please know that there are over 1000 other essays who are EXACTLY the same as yours. I'm not trying to take anything away from you, but the "struggles" you've overcome and the environment you present to the UC adcoms are not 1 in a million-- they're 1 in a thousand. Right off the top of my head, I can think of 4 people in my class with the EXACT same story. Some of the own a resturant, some of them owns a laundromat and some own dry-cleaning places.
Don't feel bad though, in other schools, this would be one hell of a Personal Statement, but for the UCs, this is unacceptable (especially at UCB/UCD/UCLA).</p>
<p>I agree with 3Point7Student. This essay is not at all original.
There are thousands of other high schoolers who have lived a life similar to what you've described and there's a good chance that a lot of them will write about what their parents struggled through.</p>
<p>although this kind of essay is typical of many students, you don't have to completely get rid of it. I think with a lot of revision, you can come off as very strong. First tip-the change in tenses made me not want to finish reading, i was staring to get annoyed with all of the tense changes-so make sure you fix that. Second tip-instead of focusing on your parent's struggles, write more about what you have learned from that and your personal skills, what YOU have to offer; they dnt want to hear about your parents, they want to hear about YOU. Instead of talking about the business generally, you can also give a specific memory while working that has truly changed you. Good luck.</p>
<p>amishv: No, I am not ESL. I have my degree in English. College is where I learned to communicate with people on their level. I KNOW present tense, past tense, etc., but it seemed to me that the OP may not have a clear understanding of that concept, which is why I phrased the first sentence of my post that way. Obviously, I communicated my message well enough, hence your reference to "present tense." If I had miscommunicated, you would have had no idea what I was talking about.</p>
<p>let's come straight to the point. Your essay is not original, most Chinese immigrants face that kinda problem... a very Chinese essay.</p>
<p>I think you should talk something more about how your parents' struggle encourage you to pursue your dream = ) you need to write some of your own special perspectives and try to be touching... try to let people know that you choose your own paths, not the one your parents have already designed for you... you are now trying your best to let YOUR dream come true, as well as your parents'.</p>
<p>ps: i'm from hk... don't know if you can read Chinese... if yes, then 良藥苦口利于病;忠言逆耳利于行... 相信你會寫得很好的 = )</p>
<p>I would say make it more personal (not about your family) and focus on one topic and expand it. Watch for your grammar and your word choice. wit hcouple changes it's be a good essay. But (no offense) if you have something else to write about, please do so.</p>
<p>the part where you say that you have to help your parents with the business sounds like you are complaining. </p>
<p>my parents own a business too and i have to do stuff for it everyday too but if it seems like youre complaining in your essay, then the AOs are probably like, do we really want this guy if hes just going to complain?</p>
<p>well thats just my opinion anyway, good luck</p>
<p>In the opening, you used the phrase "come to realize" twice, so might wanna change that. And I didn't read on because it didn't seem that interesting, and I'm sorry if you take offense to that, but the readers will not want to read on either, even though they have to</p>
<p>It looks a little short, unless you plan on completing the 1000 word requirement with the second prompt. </p>
<p>Umm, yes I do agree that this essay is very cliche. However, you can make it stand out with an unusual hook/opener. And instead of just explaining and listing your life-story, try to incorporate imagery, metaphors, similes, think outside the box.<br>
This essay is not the same type of essays you write in Lit or history. </p>
<p>Instead of saying how your mom told you to get good grades, say how your mom wished for you to be at the top of the totem pole or the cream of the crop in your classes. Just... something that is DIFFERENT, but says the same thing. Try not to be so.. straightforward. Add a little something exciting or unique to each detail about your story. I can go on, but I need to sleep... got 0 period tomorrow. PM me if you need more help.</p>
<p>I’m planning on actually answering the other Personal Statement prompt about having to work for my mom’s business. You’re essay helped me realize that mine also sounds like I’m complaining! Thanks! Haha</p>
<p>Hi, I’m going to give some constructive criticism.</p>
<p>First of all, like all the others pointed out, your grammar distracts the reader from your essential points; check your verb tenses. They are all over the place. Phrases like “for example” seem too elementary, if you know what I mean. You need to have a good flow in your essay, so try to edit until it the essay sounds smooth. When I was reading it, it sounded slightly choppy. Many phrases are repetitive. </p>
<p>I also don’t think the ideas were very original. It looks like one of those templates that you could use for any school. I’m also Chinese, and my parents own a business, and everything you said in your essay could apply to my life. My parents tell me stories about China before they immigrated to the United States. They tell me to work hard in school, etc. MAKE IT SPECIAL; make the readers want to read your essay. Give one day in your life working in the business, and how it made you realize how you could succeed, etc etc. And on that topic, what is your family’s business anyway? How did it help you communicate with customers? What do you have to do?
You have to be explicit when you’re explaining your life. You leave too many gaping information holes.</p>
<p>You don’t need to reference who said what. They won’t care if your mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, aunt, whoever told you to do well. If you want to reference someone, use one, not all of the family that you have. It gets confusing, and it seems like your ideas are not centered enough.</p>
<p>I’m usually a harsh essay editor, so please don’t take offense :)</p>
<p>I completely agree. I am also an immigrant myself and thought of writing my personal statement on my experiences as an immigrant. However, there are so so so many other people who are immigrants. It’s USA, It’s California for God’s sake. This topic applies to too many people to set you apart from the crowd.</p>