Now, this situation occurred after I learned my lesson of being more careful & aware at parties:
I helped a drunk girl back to her place from a party, but her friend was with us as well. However, I only met them when the party was over and they were the only ones standing outside while everyone else went their separate ways. So, I started to wonder:
Why weren’t they creeped out by my presence? Was it because her friend was there?
On an extra note, I didn’t have ANY intentions with them, so I wasn’t planning to “hook up” with them at all. I’m also still friends with them as well. Furthermore, the drunk girl said that she: “regained faith in humanity” because other guys would’ve taken advantage of her, which was an interesting comment to say the least…
I’m confused about what your question was. The girl had a friend with her. A stranger offered to help. They decided you seem to be a nice guy, although maybe she stated it in an overly dramatic fashion. You are reading too much into it. You were a decent human being. In a situation where you probably couldn’t have been completely awful (since the friend was there). But you went out of your way to help, and she was grateful. There aren’t really more layers to this. Unless you are a guy who would have taken advantage had the friend not been there. If that is the case, then maybe do them a favor and don’t stay in touch. Otherwise, stop overanalyzing.
I think you are having trouble reading social cues here. So they were not quite gone yet after the party. They were drunk! It really isn’t unusual that they were lingering or taking their time. So you approached them in college after a party. Not a big deal. Not really a big deal in any situation. I was approached by an unknown man yesterday outside a train station. Intparent gave you the perfect response. Not really sure what the big deal was here. The young lady recognized and appreciated that you did something nice. End of story.
She wasn’t afraid because she had a girlfriend. It’s no reflection on you; it’s simply that girls are taught that there’s strength in numbers and there were two of them.
Ate you trying to find the line for creepy? They needed help. You helped. If the girl had been by herself, it wouldn’t have been a bad idea to ask someone else leaving or passing by to help get her home, so you were in a group. Ideally asking a groun with at least one woman.
I’ll add that given the same situation with different girls or even the same situation, same people, on a different night, you might come off as creepy instead of helpful. It’s important to read cues and back off if your help doesn’t seem to be appreciated.
Based on your prior experiences, I would recommend that you find other entertainment beyond the party life and drunk students. It is a new school year and you have to consider what would happen to you if you are in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I believe the OP has been open about being on the Autism/Asperger’s spectrum, so reading social cues may be more difficult. I also remember him posting about being in a very similar situation before where he was trying to look out for a girl who had drank too much and someone (a guy, I think?) thought he was acting “creepy” and asked him to leave. If you look at it from that perspective, it’s understandable why he might be confused. He’s trying to make sense of what seems like a glaring inconsistency in the way people reacted to him in nearly identical situations. If they found it creepy last time, why not this time? In both cases, he was trying to do the right thing. I give him credit for trying to understand.
OP, we can’t really say for sure what the difference was because we weren’t there in either case, and unfortunately, there really isn’t any set formula to figure out how people might react to us in every situation, but not every girl thinks all guys are only after one thing, or are ‘creeped out’ by someone sincerely trying to be helpful. Sometimes, those suspicions and perceptions are a result of past experiences we aren’t privy to, so we can’t know how they will react. It could be that you’re just getting better at communicating your sincerity and genuine intentions. Or, it could be that they picked up on subtle signs of your being on the spectrum and have a better understanding of it than others, so they perceived that you were well-intentioned and not a threat.
That said, I’m going to agree with others that maybe you could find avenues to explore your social curiosities outside parties, alcohol, and drunk people, as it increases the likelihood that you could find yourself in the midst of a serious misunderstanding that leads to trouble you don’t need or want.
I understand that partying has its pros and cons, but aside from partying, people either:
Stay in the dorms
Go home for the weekend
Go to the only popular bar/pub in town
Go to the pizza place that has a bowling alley (which is more expensive than partying because you have to pay for the number of games played along with your food, especially on a college student's budget)
It’s hard for me to stay in during the weekends because I get bored after I finish my school work/studying. So, browsing the Internet and playing on my XBOX are my only options along with other social activities once in awhile. Partying at my college usually starts around 10 pm and ends around 2 am on Fridays and Saturdays. Which means that I have all day Saturday and Sunday to focus on my school work. It also depends on what my friends do on the weekends, but since I’m such a social butterfly, you can see why. My parents are actually happy that I finally adjusted well enough to keep a balance of work and play.
On an extra note, it all depends on how people act at parties. Being intoxicated affects everyone in a certain way. That’s why being safe, smart, and responsible at parties is important. And I’ve gotten better on reading social cues ever since I’ve started college, but still, everyone may miss a social cue here and there, even if they’re not on the spectrum.
Very true. It’s happened to all of us, and I wasn’t being critical. I just noticed some people here get impatient with you because they think you should understand certain things already and mention that you seem to miss social cues.
I’ve known several high functioning people on the spectrum including a brilliant Stanford grad and another very bright friend in tech who I’m having dinner with Friday night. He’s a great guy, and it helps me to know he’s on the spectrum because we communicate a little differently, and that helps both of us. For instance, he can be blunt and direct in ways that many people might find rude, but I know not to be offended, and I know he actually appreciates when I’m less subtle and more direct with him than I often am with others.
Regarding the parties, let me give you an example of a concern. You’ve now talked about trying to help two drunk girls at or after parties. The first time you said you were labeled as ‘creepy.’ The second time it worked out fine, they were appreciative, and you’re still friendly with them, which is great. So in your head, you might be thinking, *hey, I’m getting better at this and making friends in the process, so I’m going to keep helping out drunk girls at parties. My intentions are good, so why not? *
While that may seem logical, let’s say others might start to notice that you always seem to be looking for drunk girls at parties to help get home, and most people (including me if I didn’t know you) would think that’s creepy. Even worse, intoxicated people might interpret or remember things differently than they actually happened, accuse you of something and report it when you were just trying to help, and then you’ve got big problems.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to help someone that truly needs help, but I wouldn’t try to be every intoxicated girl’s knight and shining armor. You can ask someone if they want/need help, and if they say no, don’t push it. Leave them alone. Otherwise, it’s creepy. I would also never try to help a girl home by yourself without someone else (who wasn’t drunk) coming along, too. Otherwise, you’re asking for trouble IMO.
I think it’s great that you’re not afraid to get out there and be social, and you’re trying to do the right thing. Please just be smart, think about what you’re doing and how others might see it, and you should be OK.
@1Dreamer Thanks for the response, but the logical reasoning of helping every girl sounds overbearing to me as well. We just happened to be at the same party.
Good to hear. It’s just that you’ve posted about it happening twice now and analyzing the response you received in each case, and if you keep going to parties where people are drinking heavily (which you seem determined to do), it’s likely to happen again, so I thought I’d mention it as something to keep in mind going forward.