What do you think???!!

<h2>this is an introduction of my essay. Be Brutal!!!</h2>

Far from the Rocky Mountains in Fort Collins and the lively bustle of Denver, I was light-years removed from all things familiar, a solitary speck afloat in a wholly new galaxy. I was seven, armed with a couple of Arabic words and most of all….lonely!!!

“…In Iraq, due to the economical sanction, you wont have all the privileges you are currently enjoying…” That’s what my dad told my a few days before our departure. Intimidated by the prospect of talking about economical matters and having to learn a language in which I was, at that point, shaky at best, I just gave a nod.

After our arrival, stuff become much worse than what I have imagined on that day. First of all, it was my birthday, and I had to postponed the party for another two months. Getting to adjust with my cousins wasn’t that easy either; the first comment which I partially understood from my one-year-younger cousin was “I wont play with you because you cant speak Arabic”. Terrified as I was, I entered my room crying…

<p>Your use of the english language needs major editing. Make sure to have someone edit. Economic for one, not economical. But really, the grammar mistakes are many.</p>

<p>I like the character. It's not dry, self-glorifying drivel. It's real, emotional, but reflective.</p>

<p>Is this for a common app essay? You only have 500 words to work with, and there's 178 here. I wouldn't suggest editing just yet....finish the piece in the strain you are now, then go back and cut down. If the rest of the essay follows like this, it will be a story, but I'm assuming you learned a major life lesson (my wording is trite, bear with me). You might end up taking out the parting conversation with your father and focus on how you didn't know much Arabic and your cousins ostracized you because of it.</p>

<p>Oh, you might want to change some wording. Some parts are colloquial, and while you don't want to sound stuffy, you don't want to sound "stuff"y :) You can save a lot of space by omitting fillers. Ex. "Intimidated by talk of economic matters and the prospect of learning a language in which I was then shaky at best, I just gave a nod" works as well as many commas per sentence.</p>

<p>But as I said, complete it before you go back. You've got a good flow and feel.</p>

<p>It is true that something unique happened to you, but that isn't the point of the essay. The idea is NOT to write a unique essay. The idea is to make yourself look unique. You need to talk more about yourself, perhaps about how the event changed you in some way.</p>

<p>Your style is different from mine. I don't consider myself a great writer, but you might try to use a simpler style. It isn't a writing contest. They want to know about you. They are reading for content and not style. They read a lot of these things.</p>

<p>For example, I would change "Intimidated by the prospect of talking about economical matters and having to learn a language in which I was, at that point, shaky at best, I just gave a nod." into "I could only nod when I thought about having to learn a new language at the same time that I needed to talk about economic sanctions."</p>

<p>The main thought in the first paragraph is that you went to a strange country and were seven years old. On my first read, I missed the fact that you were seven years old because it was buried in a lot of words. With only 500 words for the essay and the anticipated attitude of the person reading it (busy and tired), I think you need to go more with content.</p>

<p>Work on the lonely angle, and include stuff on how you grew from the experience, became a stronger person, learned respect for other cultures, became more confident, found you enjoyed new experiences, or something.</p>

<p>Thanx all for ur inputs (and again suze, cant you stop being dry?) thats the introduction and there will be "how did this influence you" thing at the end...I'll post the rest when I end!!!</p>

<p>Osmosis, I tell the truth. Really, my english teachers would have you in a head lock. I am being totally honest in telling you that you will need an excellent editor you can trust.</p>

<p>Its OK to tell the truth but not in "suzes" way!!!</p>

<p>osmosis_iq, please be sure to have someone check it over to help with punctuation at the least. If your school offers English tutoring, someone in that department might be able to give it a look. :)</p>

<p>I got that point ppl...thnx</p>

<p>Grammar mistakes are something that jump out at some people more than others. I'm not particularly sensitive, but I know people who are.</p>

<p>My solution when writing is to simplify the language so that there is less risk of making gramatical errors. For example: "After our arrival, stuff become much worse than what I have imagined on that day." "Become" should be "became", and "have" should be "had". However, I would just write "After arriving, things were much worse than anything I had imagined in advance." (If my writing is going to be ripped apart, remember that I don't consider myself a writer.)</p>

<p>My point is that you have 500 words, and adcoms read a lot of essays. I would just cut down on the fancy stuff and work on getting the point across. A few people are going to blow the adcoms away with their writing style, but in most cases, the essay will be judged on content.</p>

<p>I just reread it again...and :P I noticed a lot of mistakes. I had just finished writing these 3 paragraphs and immediately copied and pasted it here!!!:) thnx dufus...</p>

<p>Suze has done you a tremendous favor.</p>

<p>Suze, I know that you like to help people and that ur always honest. Honesty is a good thing and I would like to encourage all to do the same. But its the way u tell the truth that annoys ppl (as I have noticed from the board).
Thnx again suze</p>

<p>An App essay shouldn't look like an English essay. Actually, IMO, an English essay shouldn't look liken an English essay! Ultra-scholarly=ultra snooze-fest. I like a fresh voice. There should be purpose, direction, you should learn something about the person writing it. And in this case, I feel we will once osmosis finishes his piece.</p>

<p>It's not about an english essay, but command of the language will be extremely telling to the admissions people. They read essay after essay, the ones that are poorly done and do not show a command of the language have got to stand out. I think you could have everything it takes for a top school, a 4.0 and a 2300 and be turned down if your essay shows you are not articulate on paper sadly.</p>

<p>Osmosis, I guess you need the Suze blocker. My feeling is that people who post want an honest answer. Based on the number who PM me for one, I suppose it's true. If that's not what you want, give the hints that others do ("please be gentle") to indicate you want a feel good answer rather than reality. Or just don't ask. You're posting ivy league questions with a 510 on a key part of the SAT. Anyone who tells you that you have a chance is lying.</p>

<p>The flames! They burn!</p>

<p>Let the fire die.</p>

<p>yeah, suze, why are soo cynical. you seem to love bashing others with your criticism- not the first time as exemplified by many of your other posts. If you want to help him or people out, point out specifically what seems so problematic instead of just saying the general, "well yeah its sucks" attitude.</p>

<p>suze: I don't think that was called for. Perhaps the 510 is going to be retaken. Besides, the basic advice for applying to Harvard (#1) is the same as the advice for applying to Emory (#20). You do everything the same. </p>

<p>Let me list three things that bother me and might be bothering Suze.</p>

<p>1) The emphasis on getting in the most prestigious college regardless of anything else. The education you get at Harvard is not significantly better than what you get at Emory.</p>

<p>2) The fact that people worry more about brand-name recognition than they do about the personal fit of a school. A typical symptom of this is saying that you are applying to all of the ivies.</p>

<p>3) The way some people hope for the best in spite of everything. Saying the superb EC's can overcome less than stellar SAT scores is true, but superb EC's is not being student council president and less than stellar SAT's is not 1420/1600.</p>

<p>However, when people talk about their chances at HYPSM, it is often unclear whether they mean match or reach. Some posters are encouraging and say you have a good chance (as a reach), and some posters are practical and say you have little chance (as a match). I think it is fine to apply wherever so long as you know how it works.</p>

<p>Nothing is bothering me but when people ask on an open post message board, don't they need to be told the truth? Read the OP and tell me the grammar is acceptable for a college application, much less a top college. Further, Osmosis has posted extensively with stats and asked if they will get him into certain schools. People say no and he just keeps asking the question in another way. Not to pick on him, he's hardly alone.</p>

<p>But here's the thing, it is really close to applying time and a really good time for reality to sink in. It was just awful watching the results here in April. All of those who kept insisting ivies look at the "whole person" were just blown away with outright rejection. I'd really rather see people get real before then and not have to settle for a safety they didn't clearly think through because they thought they were Princeton bound with a 1350!!!</p>