What I learned from the college search process

Parents Forum
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<p>I expect no sympathetic responses to this post, as it is a "semi-public" admission of great ignorance on my part. I only hope that by unloading I can give myself a bit of elief but also hopefully help another parent from travelling the same road I did.</p>

<p>We are nearing the end of the college search process for our son. What started as a "shoot for the moon . . . with a back-up plan" is ending with a feeling of great disappointment -- at least on my part. And the disappointment stems mainly from the fact that I realize now that I deluded myself about the process of helping my son look for a school; I didn't have a frank discussion with him from the beginning about the costs of colleges and the possible consequences of his choices; and, frankly, I really didn't understand the financial aid part of the process.</p>

<p>This comes after the major disppointment with our eldest daughter who, four years ago, spent one year at a private college basically blowing off classes for which we spent $20,000 -- that we are still paying off. We made it clear after that that any future schooling she would be paying on her own.</p>

<p>With our son, it was different. An enthusiastic student, taking AP classes, getting 27 on his ACT, passionate about music. We visited a half dozen local private schools with good to great music programs -- he was only interested in the least challenging (academically) of these schools because of what he liked in the music department and its urban location. That was all well and good.</p>

<p>He ended up applying at one state school (his safety school), one out-of-state public school, one in-state private school, and two out-of-state private liberal arts schools, and one conservatory.</p>

<p>He auditioned at four of these places (getting into music school at a public or liberal arts college is a two-step process --- you have to get into the main school and then you have to audition for the music school).</p>

<p>After applying, we visited the safety school, though we were both a bit underwhelmed -- we both liked what we saw in the music school, but the rest of the school and the college town were . . . meh.</p>

<p>He decided not to audition at the in state private school, so that was a wasted application.</p>

<p>We visited and liked the out-of-state public school. We were waiting until we heard if he got accepted at the way-out-of-state schools before we visited.</p>

<p>The end result of all of this -- one outright rejection; a wait-list letter from the conservatory; an acceptance with NO financial aid at the OOS school; and an acceptance and some nice individual courting and even some money from the safety school.</p>

<p>At this point, he is leaning toward the OOS school, though frankly there is no way we can swing this without him either (1) earning a bunch of money in the next three months (he's never had a regular paying job); or (2) taking out a bunch of loans.</p>

<p>What I know now that I just never acknowledged to myself or him in this process is that taking on tens of thousands of dollars in loans for an undergraduate education is not worth it -- especially in this economy and with his interest in music. Six months ago, all I saw was the moon and the possibilities for him. </p>

<p>If I could start this process over in September, I still would have let him apply to all the "moon" schools, with the hope and expectation that he would both get accepted and get some money. But I also would have had him apply at more than one safety school.</p>

<p>I was so much more invested in this search process than I was in my own college search 30 years ago -- I visited one college (private Big 10 university) applied, got in, and enjoyed my time. At this point, I feel like I should have been MUCH less emotionally and otherwie committed to my son's search process -- it's HIS college experience, not mine -- although that choice is impacted by the limitations of our family's resources.</p>

<p>We have one more child -- a daughter who will be a senior in high school next year. I will be MUCH more realistic about expectations and the process with her. </p>

<p>For now, I just feel disappointment . . . but it's my son's life, not mine, and he ultimately will make a choice and deal with the consequences. I just feel like all my guidance and advice was ill-informed and didn't serve him well.</p>

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<p>ptc - you are not alone…many of us feel your pain.</p>

<p>With our kids being first gen college students - I, for one, know that if I had found college confidential while my kids were in elementary - things would have been MUCH different!</p>

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<p>We are much better at handling disappointments for ourselves than for our kids.</p>

<p>You are not alone. Even people who have hired private counselor didn’t necessary feel they got the result they wanted. </p>

<p>I wouldn’t go with the school with no FA, especially if your son wants to major in music. By graduating with large debt, he would in essence be limiting his options.</p>

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<p>If the money is the issue, then you should always let him know early. Many kids do not realize how difficult to balance the budget even you make a lot money. Many parents always think let the kids decide. If your kids are mature enough, then let them decide, otherwise it is really unwise to let them decide. I guess it is not too late to let him know the fact.</p>

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<p>I wanted to add – under my name, it shows that I joined college confidential in Sept. 2008. That’s when my son was a sophomore and I was dragging him to college information nights and campuses and he was rolling his eyes because he didn’t see what the fuss was all about.</p>

<p>And now I’m wondering why I wasn’t on CC everyday since then – I’ve never posted since yesterday.</p>

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<p>We went through this several years ago with my daughter, a piano performance major. My advice is NOT to take out the loans. My daughter is graduating this year and she loved every minute of her undergrad experience but reality is setting in. At this point in time she has come to the realization that she will have a hard time supporting herself. She will try to set up a studio (she loves teaching) but she is planning on going back to school to get her masters in Occupation Therapy. If she had a ton of loans, she would be in a mess. My daughter is a serious student (3.9 GPA) and a dedicated pianist (has spent 4-5 hours a day practicing through college) and is quite good. But in order to make it in the world as a musician, you need talent and a lot of luck. She is seeing many of her classmates starting to panic. She is so thankful that she doesn’t have the loans. College lasts 4 years but loans last for decades.</p>

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<p>I don’t want to turn this into life after college thread…OP, you may want to advise your son to also minor in a practical major in conjunction with his music. In my office, I know of many software developers who are serious musicians. Some of them play in a band, and some in a string quartet.</p>

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<p>I want to endorse Oldfort’s suggestion.</p>

<p>My daughter is in the arts. She wanted, to some extent to go that route, but my husband said he wouldn’t pay for school unless ehe had a “practical” major, as well. So, she is a double major and it has worked out very well for her.</p>

<p>Just a different way to look at it.</p>

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<p>I think it’s very likely that my son will double major, or at least have a strong grounding in more “practical” studies to go along with his music. He’s passionate about music, but he’s also engaged in a lot of other non-music-related subjects.</p>

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<p>Excellent!</p>

<p>In that case the conservatory would have been unnecessarily binding.<br>
good luck to your son.</p>

<p>My brother double majored in music and some other thing, back in the day, and now he is in Ibanking. Kids who have music skills are generally quite good at math. I very much hope your son is able to follow his dreams and have other options, as well.</p>

<p>I know you are sad today, but if it helps, most kids are really happy where they end up by the time they come home for Christmas.</p>

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<p>@PTC - please post your son’s acceptances, and perhaps repeat the story, over at the Music Forum; it will help future applicants - </p>

<p>[Music</a> Major - College Confidential](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/]Music”>Music Major - College Confidential Forums)</p>

<p>As others have said: stay away from loans</p>

<p>And ->Congratulations on your son’s 2 acceptances! This is no small feat in the music scene</p>

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<p>ptc, not sure if you found us over on the music forum. Come on over and share his successes and look at the options. We also keep hanging out and help others each year as they start the journey of music applications since as you noted it is very different. .<br>
[Music</a> Major - College Confidential](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/]Music”>Music Major - College Confidential Forums)</p>

<p>Agree that money needs to be a consideration. Don’t know how serious about music your S is, but there may well be graduate school in the picture, too, and having debt at undergrad is not a good place to start. DD is graduating BMus in vocal performance and is in the process of patching together enough jobs to live on while she gets ready to audition for grad schools. Of the 3-4 jobs she is putting together 2-3 do involve music,the others are the normal retail, etc. She would not be able to do this and keep going with her music if she had a lot of debt. </p>

<p>Before she started the process we told how much we would contribute. She could supplement with scholarships but was not allowed to take out loans. In the end it meant she gave up her dream school since they did not offer a large enough scholarship. Money was not the final determination of her choice but it was a factor. BTW - where she ended up was perfect for her. It all works out.</p>

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<p>ptc - sorry this isn’t the fairy tale ending you and your S hoped for. One thing I have learned from this board is “love thy safety”. My S applied to no schools he would not love going to. There are so many schools out there, everyone can come up with a list of good schools (that will offer your kid money) that they would like attending. So many kids and parents go into this process not understanding the money end of things. You are not alone on that. I have two neices who will graduate up to their ears in debt because they didn’t like the schools that offered them money (why did they bother applying??) and their parents “couldn’t deny” them the schools of their dreams. I think you need to make the wise financial decision. I am willing to bet this time next year, your S will tell you he likes where he is. </p>

<p>My H went to school for music performance. He ended up owning his own music store for about 15 years, got tired of dealing with the public and went back to school for computers. Is doing incredibly well in that field. Still plays a little on the side. Glad to read your son plans on minoring in something else. Nothing wrong with giving music a try, and who knows we may all be reading about your S in a few years! But, so many talented kids can’t make a living doing music so having a back up helps. </p>

<p>I have to admit I drove this college search process in the beginning. It took many hours and tedious research to find schools I thought S would like, and would probably offer him merit. At one point there were over 50 schools on that list! Most of S’s schools are out of this area, many folks around here have never heard of them, and they aren’t necessarily nationally known, but they have a good program in his intended major. S and H went on a whirlwind 2 weeks college trip last summer and many schools got knocked off the list. S finally had a list of 13 schools. Those he hadn’t visited he experessed interest online. About half offered free apps. He applied EA/rolling to all the schools that offered it. </p>

<p>Good luck to you, your S and hope the college search for your D goes better. One last peice of thought, can your S arrange to do an overnight at the safety school? Sometimes an overnight is all it takes to show the kid how much they may like the school.</p>

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<p>Your post should be required reading by every new CC member.</p>

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<p>agree w Bookreader. this is the type of information that parents of high school freshman need to see now—I wish guidance counselors would sign parents up for CC early on. They can begin the process of thinking about finances, what can they afford, what can their children afford.</p>

<p>They can also start looking for schools with merit aid, and those financial and admission safeties. I think that is the hardest part is finding the safety that your child and your pocket book loves.</p>

<p>I really wish we could apply for financial aid a year before applying to college. Getting a FA offer on April 1 and having to commit by May 1 is tough. For us, we did not realize that the FA expected of us would be vastly different than what the FAFSA stated. Private schools that use the college board form (name is escaping me now, begins with C) often expect much more. Our EFC was $25k more than the FAFSA. We had no idea. And we had no financial safety school because we did not realize the forms could be so different.</p>

<p>Lesson learned. We will be wiser with son when he applies.</p>

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<p>O.P.- I feel for you. While our results were luckily much better. I was afraid I too “blew it” the second time around and could have just as easily been kicking myself for not being more in tune with the process. When money matters and for many it truly does it is gospel and has been repeated many times on this site to cast a wide net. My DD applied to nine schools which was three more than my son had applied to two years ago, and luckily she got in to eight of them. The cost at those acceptances ranged from about 2x EFC to about 7x EFC. My D had very good stats 2120 SAT, 1/325, 4.0 UW and is a great essayist. I’m pretty sure she got a “look” everywhere she applied. If I had it to do over, I would have had her Prep for the PSAT, since many scholarships at state schools especially are based on NMF. She was “commended” NMF but had she studied for the test it might have added some additional financial safety schools to our list. I was sweating bullets when D told me “you’re not going to make me go there, are you?” about one of the financial safeties she had visited and did not see herself attending. Luckily, three out of the nine, including her top choice accepted her with financially feasible packages.</p>

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<p>“Getting a FA offer on April 1 and having to commit by May 1 is tough…”</p>

<p>Or, in the case of one school for us, getting the FA offer on April 16 (which included no “aid” just loan offers), the day after we were supposed to reply to an offer made earlier by another school.</p>

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<p>Ptc, of all of the college situations I have seen and done, the most difficult, expensive and complicated was that of my performing arts son. I had worked with admissions for a long time, and though I knew I was not a “know it all”, I felt I had a pretty good handle on the process. Until i entered the world of performing art auditions. This forum, by the way, has one of the best information boards for musical theater, theater and music school admissions that I have ever seen. Too bad I found out too late. My son had undergone the gauntlet and we had made every mistake listed on the boards when I discovered the CC MT forum. </p>

<p>The thing that I truly did not get was that the SAT scores and grades matter a lot even on auditions, especially with many of the more competitive schools and if you want money it is nearly essential. The two part process, audition for the program and the application for the school itself makes this route particularly difficult, so I congratulate you for getting through this. Also, my son went to a school with amazing college guidance support except for him , it was useless because they had virtually no experience in kids going the pure audition route. They were great at getting kids into top colleges and LACs if they had a strong performing arts hook, but my son wanted a BFA program, and they were not anywhere nearly as familar with that route. </p>

<p>My son ended up at a safety school that we kind of just stuck on the list, our state school, because he ended up accepted only to a few schools in his program, and he didn’t like any of them. The state school won out when we assessed the alternatives and it was the best available choice. </p>

<p>He graduated in 4 years with his BFA, got everything he wanted and needed from the program, enjoyed the fact that it was a full service university rather than a conservatory and enjoyed every bit of those resources, and is very, very grateful that he has no loans, given that he is an auditioning artist, barely able to make ends meet. We are grateful too, in that the cost of his education was very affordable to us. Like you, we overpaid for our oldest and that put a dent on our financials for years to come. </p>

<p>So even though what happened was a disappointment to us, it really worked out well. He got a great education and experience; we are in better shape financially. Actually it turned out much better than it did with our oldest who got into his dream school and we spent way too much for what turned out to be a nightmare. </p>

<p>So I hope your son looks forward to his college and has a wonderful experience there. Good wishes sent your way.</p>

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<p>Ptc, we’re a “follow the money” family. We didn’t look at many schools as there were very few with d1’s major close enough “to be able to come home for the weekend once in a while”. Although not a music major, choir was very important to the kid, and the nail in the coffin of one school I liked was a mediocre choir. When financial aid letters were finally all in, only one choice was possible without borrowing. Fortunately, d1 has worked a part time job for many of her own expenses for a couple of years now. It’s pretty easy for a kid who worked 3jobs last summer to say she’s giving up her top pick for door #2 if it means a shot a no loans. </p>

<p>We lucked out, I think, and like you, the search process with the next one will be different. There will be some reaches (nothing offering d1’s major was really a reach), some more privates just to see what happens, and, like you, at least 2 financial safeties to choose from. </p>

<p>Strongly agree with whoever said that your post ought to be required reading.</p>

<p>Oh, and how in the heck did you remember your user name and password since 2008!?</p>

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<p>heh . . . I didn’t remember user name and password. I came to the site from another link (probably related to “award” letters) and when I went to sign up, I was told I was already a member. So I e-mailed to get my ID/PW.</p>

<p>This forum is similar to a couple of other forums I have belonged to, in terms of layout and functionality, so when I thought it looked familiar, I just thought it was because of those other sites.</p>