<p>I would make your thesis stand out a little more, and work on topic sentences for each of your body paragraphs.</p>
<p>But most importantly, you are missing varied sentence structure. Your first body paragraph is one sentence long! and your second body paragraph is two! Why not split that up into a combination of simple, compound and complex sentences?</p>
<p>Your paragraphs should be</p>
<p>Intro (1-2 Sentences) (you have 1)
Body Paragraph ( 4-6 Sentences) (you have 1 and 2)
Conclusion( 1-2) (you have 1)</p>
<p>“Demonstrates variety in sentence structure” is one of the expectations for a 5.</p>