<p>I am feeling like I am in the twighlight zone right now. Something is going on with my son and I don't know what and he won't tell me.</p>
<p>Back in September, my son applied to FSU and UF, the two top universities in Florida. After another couple months, he applied to USF and considered applying to Cornell, Duke and Stanford. He is a great student but I was not sure if he was good enough for the Ivies. He never applied.</p>
<p>In December, he was accepted to FSU honors and I sent the housing deposit just in case he was going to go there. A few weeks later, he told me that he wanted to major in Engineering and that he did not want to go to FSU because their Engineering program is not well known.</p>
<p>He was to hear from UF on February 11th and about a week earlier told me that he should apply to UCF just in case he did not get in UF because UCF has a good Engineering program. I thought FSU was out and therefore I totally forgot to send in the Honors registration for FSU which was due on February 11th. In the mean time, he decided not to apply to UCF unless he did not get into UF. Ok fine.</p>
<p>On February 11th he was accepted to UF. We had a dinner and cake (a Gator cake mind you) as a celebration on his acceptance. I paid the tuition deposit and housing deposit ($400 total). </p>
<p>Then something went terribly wrong. I was talking to him yesterday about UF and he said that he does not know if he is going there and that I should not have paid the deposits yet because he wanted to have options. Then he got mad that I never mailed in the FSU honors confirmation. I was floored! We ended up in a fight and have not really spoken since. I don't know what is going on. He is a procrastinator, so I have done most of the legwork on all of this stuff (Bright Future apps, FAFSA, etc..). I handed him the folder with all of the paperwork in it and told him to deal with it. He threw it on the table and walked away. </p>
<p>I feel like there is something that he is not telling me but I can't get it out of him.</p>
<p>You are so not alone. I too have been frustrated with the same behavior from an otherwise ‘wonderful’ son. While our daughter is open and not shy about their emotions and insecurities; it is harder to read my son. He finally ‘came clean’ and admitted that the whole leaving home thing is getting to him. While on the outside, he seems totally confident and ready to take on the world; he has had the same core group of guys since elementary school.<br>
Has your son visited FSU and FU? That may help. I’d give FSU a call this morning and see if you are alright with confirming the honors now to see if that option is even open for discussion tonight.<br>
Maybe try some ‘active listening’…i know it’s hard to listen when nothing is being said!!! While a ‘touchy feely’ topic, maybe ask him if he’s feeling a bit overwhelmed with such big decisions and let him know you are in his corner. Sometimes it’s hard for me to realize at 6’3", some parts are still a young man.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, this is pretty typical of some kids his age. It is really hard for some kids to make decisions and they want to keep their options open. He may be feeling some pressure from friends who did not get in to UF or he may just not be sure what he wants to do. He is stressed and he is expressing it in a way that he knows is safe, taking it out on you. It is hard for parents, especially moms who are their kid’s Personal Assistant, to accept this kind of behavior. I know, I have been there! I would try to talk to your son in a neutral environment. Maybe take a walk, and ask him what he is feeling. And remember, this too shall pass.</p>
<p>Some great advice. I would also talk to him and say engineering is a great field, and if wants to go that route, he might consider taking heavy math, phyiscs and chemistry first year, and being in a position to transfer. He has to understand he should do his best, but there are many routes to success. </p>
<p>“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
~ Michael Jordan</p>
<p>Before I read your post, I saw the title and laughed…I know your situation has you really worried but I have said “what is up with my son?”…soooo many tiimes. Is his Dad in the picture? a sibling? If it is something he is embarrassed or ashamed of it is harder to tell Mom who is so proud and supportive than anyone…</p>
<p>It sounds like since you have been very involved in the whole college app thing he feels pressured by you (even if you don’t mean it) and he can’t express his anxieties or doubts to you. You can try just apologizing and saying that all the college stuff is getting to you and you hope he realizes that whatever he chooses to do, even scrap it all to take a year off, or is seriously doubting his choices etc. it is fine, it is ok to doubt change, etc. There is time to make decisions…not putting a deposit down yet is not the end of the world.</p>
<p>Wow - you’ve all given great answers! I echo what they’ve said - it sounds like he’s scared of either taking the next step or choosing the next step. He also should have been involved in sending the honors stuff in, so being mad now that you didn’t magically make it happen for him is kind of misplaced. Pointing that out as an “I told you so” is probably not productive, but you can identify that him relying on you to do the paperwork (and figure out what paper work had to be done) has created some snags in the process and that the two of you should work together to make sure the rest of it goes smoothly.</p>
<p>Back to his anxiety that comes out as anger. I have sons too, and they don’t talk much and sometimes they don’t even know themselves why they’re feeling like they do. I’ve had good luck with my boys either talking in the car on a road trip or taking them out, just the two of us, to a nice long dinner. You might start by remembering out loud what it was like for you at that stage in life, talk about the choices he has right now, emphasize that you don’t see any of them as a mistake. He really isn’t at the precipice of some huge life path deciding decision - he’s just picking his first year of college. Make sure he knows that wherever he goes, if his grades are good, he will have more choices, not less, if he decides he wants to transfer.</p>
<p>There is no father in the picture. We divorced in 2008 and he has no contact with two of my three sons. The 3rd son calls him regularly. Nothing I can do about that situation though. Their father is a drug addict and chose drugs over his family. </p>
<p>I’m wondering if there is a girl involved. My son is a loner and very private. He has no social life and as far as I know, has never been interested in a girl before. I’m thinking that maybe he is waiting to see where the girl is going to go before he commits. Big mistake but I made mistakes like that myself at his age. I filled out the FSU honors confirmation and mailed it. We’ll see if they will still confirm his spot or not. I guess if push comes to shove, he, of course, can still go to FSU even if they won’t let him in honors. It would be a shame to miss out on that opportunity though.</p>
<p>As for visiting the campuses - I had a visit scheduled for tomorrow and cancelled it when he told me that he would rather go to UF. We are supposed to visit UF on the 26th. I guess I should probably reschedule a visit to FSU. Looking back, I should have made him handle all of this instead of doing it for him but I was afraid that he would procratinate and not go to college - something he has worked hard for and been preparing for all of his life. </p>
<p>I feel your pain, but, really, I think you should take a break. (Have that glass of wine!) (Or two!) It’s only mid-February and he has until May 1st to decide. I don’t know when your spring break is or if he’s available, but that can be a great time to do some visits. I think it can also be helpful this spring of senior year to do some tightly scheduled visits, like back-to-back. Allows a very direct comparison of schools he’s interested in.</p>
<p>Jena - don’t beat yourself up too much about who handled the paper work. There are some kids who do it all on their own, and the there are the rest of us who find some balance between that and doing it all for them! You’re striking that balance - just keep on keeping on! many parents act as secretary and time management coach throughout the process. </p>
<p>I filled out my 2010 S’s app to our state school. It didn’t require any essays or subjective info - just a quick form. He absolutely didn’t want to stay in state and hated the idea of going to our state school (which is a great school). I was afraid he wouldn’t get enough money to go anywhere out of state, so I harassed him for a while and then just sat him down one day and filled out the form while he sat there. I didn’t want his stubbornness to close that door.</p>
<p>I might suggest that you take a deep breath and slow down. It would be great to have everything settled now, but it is still early in the process and final decisions need not be made until May 1st. I remember one school telling us that over 50% of their enrollment deposits are not received until the last week in April. </p>
<p>It"s an emotional time, don’t force him to make a premature decision. Instead of one or the other of you being totally responsible for completing the paperwork, make this a joint effort. Working together and talking over all the different aspects may help him see things clearer. Keep all options open and let him come to his decision in his own time. Good luck.</p>
<p>You might make him a spreadsheet if you have those skills with a list of the colleges he has applied to, due dates for various items like deposits, housing, honors, final responses. Maybe a pros & cons column (you could fill in based on what he has said, or he could fill in). Go over it with him and make a plan for what to do for any remaining due dates or colleges he wants to add. Review it when something is coming up (a deadline of some kind).</p>
<p>That way he can’t say he didn’t know you were sending in deposits, etc. for him going forward.</p>
<p>That does not, of course, get at the underlying issue of having trouble deciding on a college. I suspect that his approach to applying has been a bit scattershot, based more on location and reputation than “fit”. Agree with the poster that some visits are in order. Before you go, sit with him to make up a list of questions/things to check out on each campus.</p>
<p>Well, it sounds like he was thinking you would send in the honors confirmation so he had it in his mind that things would be a certain way and he’d have certain choices, but that he wouldn’t have to do anything himself to make that come about. So when he found out that the world didn’t conform to the view he thought it would/should he got upset. Like most teenagers, he likes to think he can make his own choices, and he probably felt like you were making choices for him for whatever arbitrary reason. </p>
<p>What he’s not seeing is that you’ve been doing all this stuff for him and he hasn’t up until now been taking (it sounds like) any kind of active role in any of this. If he wants to be in control of the decisions, then he needs to step up and be involved. If he wants you to do everything for him, he can’t get upset when decisions get made. It’s like that children’s story, The Little Red Hen. If you’re not going to help grow the wheat, and mill the wheat, and bake the bread, then you can’t be upset when you don’t get to eat the finished loaf.</p>
<p>There is a lot of pressure and tension around this time in one’s life. High school is about to end one way or the other. Friends move on and disappear even in the age of Facebook. Making a big decision about where to go and what to study sometimes isn’t easy. Leaving home or staying can both create trama one way or the other because even if you can’t wait to leave some other folks wonder if staying close to home isn’t better after all. </p>
<p>Then we have the I thought mom was going to do it for me drama and relationships are frought with strong emotions as well. </p>
<p>But, there is so much good news here. He got into FSU Honors! He got into UF! UCF is out there and anyone gets in if he needs it (kidding). At some point you both will realize he has all the otpions here. </p>
<p>If he gives FSU a chance, even for engineering, he won’t regret it. I have a very, very high opinion of UF and I am an FSU double grad so that is saying something. Either way he wins with those two schools. If you are not from FL you might be laughing, go ahead and laugh, if you are from this part of the country we are doing just fine with either FSU or UF while much of the rest of the country is rust belt and ghost towns. </p>
<p>Fix your own back yard before you look down your green nose at schools like FSU and good luck getting those jobs back from asia. Good thing we have nearly permanent unemployment benefits. If your schools were so darned good, as good as they claim to be, some of those social problems might have been avoided, right? Oh, whoops that is because all those high priced schools teach is liberal arts. Graduates are basically good at talking about problems not actually fixing them. Do the math, honey. </p>
<p>Rant over.</p>
<p>You can get a great education at FSU or UF. You won’t break the bank either. Let them folks up north snort about their schools all they want … just smile and nod to borrow a line from a popular thread a few months ago. </p>
<p>Just let things cool down and sit down and talk with him. Start with a smile. Its a communication issue.</p>
<p>Contact FSU about the honors thing…they may not mind that you’re late.</p>
<p>He is a procrastinator, so I have done most of the legwork on all of this stuff (Bright Future apps, FAFSA, etc…).</p>
<p>Unfortunately, this is what happens when people procrastinate…everyone else has to “worker bees” and manage everything, and then the procrastinator (the do-nothing person) gets to sit back and criticize when the “worker bees” make a minor mistake.</p>
<p>He needs to be calmly told that when a person won’t take care of their responsibilites and leaves them for others to do, then he has no right to complain over minor slip-ups.</p>
<p>A sigh of relief! I called FSU honors and they said no problem and that this happens all the time. He will still get in honors if he chooses to go there. So he again has choices and the worst case scenario is that I am out $400 if he chooses FSU over UF. $400 is not the end of the world. Whew!</p>
<p>S is confused because he has many options, and has time yet to decide. In addition, he is a teen. Further, he is confused by “popularity” of schools that is often espoused by ranking magazines. The quality of an education is often dependent on the student enrolled.
There are more successful engineers working today thart DIDN’T graduate from either Duke or Stanford than those that did. It isn’t just the school, or the name recognition.
Overall, your child’s trouble is that he is a teen.</p>
<p>My first thought when I read the original post was: there’s a girl involved here. The girl is waffling about where to go, so the boy is waffling too.</p>
<p>Hang in there. This too shall pass. All of his options are good one and he will end up where he should be!</p>
<p>JenaS62: I was also drawn to your thread title. </p>
<p>I read somewhere that it is easier for sons to open up while you are actively engaged in another activity. This kinda explains why they will talk while you are trying to cook, read, fold laundry, watch TV, on the phone, ironing, etc. </p>
<p>So, I often engage my sons about serious matters while we are in the car driving somewhere. That way your son doesn’t feel the pressure of needing to make constant eye contact. </p>
<p>My advice is to take a drive or take a walk alone with this son. A good way to ask a question is “I’m curious” followed by what you want to know and with a tone that is curious and neutral. Keep it casual. </p>
<p>Example: “Hey, I am curious what your thoughts are right now about xxx” And then, listen. Don’t prompt. Don’t re-ask. Give space. If he says “i dunno” then say “OK” and switch the subject to something else entirely that interests you both. He’ll switch back the subject and answer you later, if not pressured to do so and probably when you aren’t expecting it. </p>
<p>Best wishes on a good chat with your son about what is going on…</p>
<p>We have been lucky with our son. He has had lots of things on his plate at school and we are grateful that he keeps us in the loop because otherwise things could easily become a mess. Since your son is going away to school, remind him that communication and flexibility are important.</p>
<p>Eaglemom, So true! Years ago, my girlfriend with teens suggested that strategy of car conversations without having to look one another in the eye. My son and I “THE TALK” in the car and have been having all the big chats there ever since. Of course now he chuckles when I start with, “I’ve been wondering…” </p>
<p>I just have so say how grateful I am to the wiser, senior members whom have stuck around CC to guide us through the troubled waters. Your advice has been hugely beneficial, insightful and reassuring through our last year of ‘all this’. Thank you for that!</p>