What I've learned

Parents Forum
1

<p>My daughter’s final college applications will (please Lord!) be going out tommorrow. While we won’t know the final results for several months, here’s what I’ve learned so far:</p>

<li><p>You can visit 20 plus colleges (like we did), read all of the guidebooks (like we did), and have the perfect strategy for how your child should present themselves to college admissions officers (like I did), but sometimes, in the end, it all comes down to just getting the applications done. If that means your child wants to do them his or her way, not your way, so be it. In short, sometimes the best laid plans for strategizing or making things perfect go wildly and unexpectedly off course.</p></li>
<li><p>That’s fine. This too shall pass. As long as you have at least one solid school that you’re highly likely to get into, things will work out. Say that again until you believe it: things will work out. I’ll let you know when I start believing it myself.</p></li>
<li><p>All kids procrastinate. Any parent who tells you differently is either a liar or suffering from advanced senility. </p></li>
<li><p>Resist the urge to recite your child’s college list to everyone you encounter. Telling the mailman, the neighbors, your in-laws and your best friend from college the complete list won’t boost your child’s chances in the slightest. It will, however, tend to make you more nervous about facing the embarrassment of having to tell everyone that Johnny didn’t get into all 15 schools on his list or that Sally didn’t win the prestigious merit scholarship at Podunk U you’ve told everyone she’s applying for. </p></li>
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<p>If you’re asked where Sally or Johnny is applying, just say “Oh, she/he has five or six schools that she/he is interested in. We’ll see how it goes.” And leave it at that. Trust me, you - and your child - will sleep more soundly once you stop repeating the golden list over and over again.</p>

<li>Let it go. Which fat envelopes do or don’t arrive next spring ultimately have very little to do with your success as a parent or your child’s success as a person. Don’t loose sight of all of the wonderful and special things that make your child special yet have absolutely nothing to do with their chances of being admitted to college. Don’t loose sight of all of the wonderful and special things that make you special as a parent that have absolutely nothing to do with your child’s chances of being admitted to college. </li>
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<p>No one knows better than I, the Queen of the College Possessed, how difficult this is to do, but, honestly, this isn’t a test of anything that you or your child need to pass. It’s just another step on the road to letting them go, and once you stop trying to control the process, things get much easier.</p>

<p>My daughter’s applications go out tommorrow. This is the beginning, not the end. We will both make it to the other side, and everything will work out as it is meant to be.</p>

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<p>The moment the last app goes out is indeed a moment of relief, of celebration. Carolyn is lucky...we spun it out until December 28th.</p>

<p>Otherwise, good list. About the procrastination: I can't think of any issue that raised voices, blood pressure, and exasperation between me and my D more in the past six years.</p>

3

<p>Carolyn:
Congratulations on reaching the day of the mailing of all of the apps! I enjoyed your words of wisdom.</p>

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<p>** Carolyn - ** </p>

<p>My congratulations to you, both for finishing the applications and the (relatively) serene and philosophical perspective you seem to have. Despite the 'procrastination', you and your daughter must be organized and motivated, or maybe just stubborn, to have finished all your applications this early. </p>

<p>We are still struggling and floundering here, trying to stay atop the waves. Son's EA is done, his safety and one of his matches. One more match to go and then he forges (?) ahead to his reaches. Well. maybe stumbled is the more accurate word!</p>

<p>Son's schedule is far too heavy. Many play rehearsals, plus the most difficult course load he's ever carried. It's making it difficult to keep up with deadlines. You are right that all the planning and good intentions just come down to figuring out a way to get the crazy thing done! There is one good side of this. Son has been very reluctant to pare down his list. We had too many colleges, especially when he added one or two at the last minute in response to his SAT scores going up. </p>

<p>We had a serious talk in the car tonight about just how realistic it is to finish all these apps and actually do a decent job, given the heavy load of work at school. Mom has been pressed into duty in filling out the mundane stuff (names, dates, etc.), and racing to the post office with supplementary material, but there's no way for him to get around the essays. Every school seems to have its own brand of short essay. As a result, son agreed (with some relief) to let another name or two came bouncing off the college list. It's probably for the best. </p>

<p>Like you, I hope...I believe....we are doing the right thing. Thank goodness for UT Austin and the 10% rule. Plus, son was never crazily in love with a single school. There are a lot of good names on his list, and he slowly seems to be getting more of an idea what schools he likes and why he likes them. And sometimes the liking or not liking is for the strangest reasons! At this point, I'm not going to argue. The basic list is good, and I don't think he can go wrong with any of the ones that are on there. </p>

<p>I also agree with you about keeping things close to the vest. When we go to synagogue, every other family keeps asking "Where are you going to school next year?" The adults are worse than the kids. Son stubbornly refuses to say much of anything, and we have followed his lead. </p>

<p>With this behind you, you should definitely sleep well. I will now go back to retyping son's resume for the forty-third time. A particular school wanted a paper copy but with very specific info about number of hours for each activity. Sigh... Back to the keyboard.</p>

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<p>Your last sentence says it all! But that doesn't remove the stress. I was just visited by one of our students who is finalizing her applications and it brought it all back for me. By the way, how is San Diego University with aid for internationals?</p>

6

<p>
[quote]
but sometimes, in the end, it all comes down to just getting the applications done

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Ain't that the truth. My theory on that is that each student probably has one great application (tops) in them, maybe two more good apps, and then it's just get 'em done -- hopefully drawing enough from the one really good app to make a decent package.</p>

<p>That's one of the reasons that I'm not a fan of wild, wing-and-a-prayer reaches. I like seeing that one really good application go to a school where it actually might make the difference.</p>

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<p>interesteddad I think you have been so right about that. Like Cami's s and probably many of the others on this board, my s was just incredibly busy the fall of senior year. It wasn't humanly possible to devote the full amount of effort into ALL the applications and make them shine. As you've said here many times, if you put the love and attention into the lowest percentage schools and then don't have the time to polish up the apps for the more realistic schools, you've got a recipe for trouble.</p>

8

<p>
[Quote]
4. Resist the urge to recite your child's college list to everyone you encounter. Telling the mailman, the neighbors, your in-laws and your best friend from college the complete list won't boost your child's chances in the slightest. It will, however, tend to make you more nervous about facing the embarrassment of having to tell everyone that Johnny didn't get into all 15 schools on his list or that Sally didn't win the prestigious merit scholarship at Podunk U you've told everyone she's applying for

[/Quote]
</p>

<p>Carolyn,
This is advice I need to take. I have many long term clients who inquire about my daughter. I usually mention her top choice and the state U, but from now on I'm just going to give your recommended response ("she applied to a few schools and we'll see where she gets in")</p>

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<p>It is all a balancing act of completing all the apps and doing the schoolwork and ec's and sleeping. In retrospect, my son likely should not have bothered with his last app as it was not at the top of the list, and had, perhaps, some impact on 2nd quarter grades (although that was more due to the 3 academic clubs and drama). He was overtended - but I think the only app that impacted was the 6th. The voice in the essays sounded a bit raggedy. </p>

<p>And there is not even any good one-size-fits all advice. I find it better to work on things consistantly, but with my son, some of the essays had to just be in his head for a while. We can be supportive - and run to the post office - but that's about it.</p>

10

<p>Another thing I want to add:</p>

<p>Rolling admissions are your best friend. It is such a boost to my S's Senior year to know that if all else fails, he has a school to go to. At this point when all of his friends are stressing out, he knows at least one school wants him (in fact he's already been accepted to 4 (count them!) schools. Now they aren't the most selective schools and who knows how things are going to turn out but it sure helps the stress level.</p>

<p>Also if you can find a school which doesn't require an essay or waives the essay (per a special e-mail) all the better. I don't know if it's because my S is applying as an engineering major or just got lucky but he has a few schools which he does not have to write an essay. Takes the stress level down another notch.</p>

<p>One thing that my kids did was have e-mail communication go through my e-mail address. It helps in several ways. One I can alert him on schools which are showing a lot of interest and which ones sent him a priority application. One of his friends is applying to several of the same schools. Because he didn't check his e-mail or didn't pay attention, he is writing essays and checks for schools that waived this through a special e-mail. It saves money and time. I don't know if it's my S or boys in general but he doesn't have the time or inclination to go through the hordes of mail that he receives. It helps to have dear old mom sift through the junk.</p>

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<p>"It helps to have dear old mom sift through the junk."</p>

<p>Good mom! My son paid attention to e-mails, but not the calender. That was my job, and I still missed a finaid deadline by a couple of days. </p>

<p>FAFSA and Profile - lots of fun!</p>

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<p>D is a freshman at her first choice school, but just barely. We almost missed the deadline for accepting offers of admission because I was in charge of deadlines and "assumed" it was later - May 1st fell on a Sunday last year. It was still due on May 1, not May 2. And, not postmarked on May, in the office on May 1. What a disaster that would have been - and all my fault. Pay attention to deadlines!</p>

<p>She was not accepted to her 3rd, and potentially 2nd choice, because we didn't pay attention to the application. The college didn't offer the common app, which should have been the first clue to spend more time on it! She didn't really paint a clear picture of herself. My advice: choose 2 to 3 schools and pour your heart out in these applications. Don't miss a single opportunity to let them know who you are and what makes you tick. This is the only chance you get. Hopefully, then you can tweak these 3 applications to work for your other ones. </p>

<p>Although D's stats made her eligible for HYPSM and similarly elite LAC's, she never felt that admission was a given. There are just too many other kids out there with the same academic stats. We could only hope her personality and character would shine through in her apps - and, that anonymous adcoms would appreciate the passions she had developed over the years. Different strokes..... She had 2 solid safeties that she loved, just in case. </p>

<p>Lastly, after the intense introspection needed to write 12 different essays of varying length and complexity, it felt good to sit back and reflect on what she had finally written about herself, to basque in the laundry list of accomplishments and to have a greater understanding of what she wants and who she is. No matter where she ended up going to college, she already had many accomplishments and was a pretty cool kid! This, ultimately, made it worth all the late hours hammering our applications!</p>

13

<p>Congrats, Carolyn, on finishing this leg in the marathon. </p>

<p>Since BlueSon was pushing Early submit buttons at midnite eastcoast time on Nov 1, I have no doubt that we'll be queued up Nov 30 for the UC's, and then Dec 31 for the rest. And, to think, I even resorted to bribery to get him jump started this past summer -- all to no avail.</p>

<p>At least I did take over his e-mail account, so I could notify him of the inbound free apps. But, unless the app came with a guarantee of no essays (fat chance), prodding just resulted in more :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>I think my S sent in applications 12/31 or 1/1, whichever was the later. I swear he spent time checking that info rather than actually writing the college specific essay. I said its not wine that needs to age, but ...</p>

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<p>Congratulations Carolyn to your and your daughter. Now you can relax and enjoy the holidays! </p>

<p>You are so right about being mum with the list! People asked, but I found that most weren't all that interested unless it was for some stupid competitive reason.</p>

<p>I remember two turning points in my son's college search: One was when he announced that under NO circumstances would he go look at any more colleges. The second was when he announced he simply WOULD NOT write another essay.</p>

<p>Soon, you'll be able to really savor the fact that it is over and there's nothing more you can do or should do. :)</p>

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<p>Congratulations, Carolyn -- I'm sure your entire family will enjoy the holiday season more than most families with HS seniors, and more than we did last year.

[quote]
One thing that my kids did was have e-mail communication go through my e-mail address.

[/quote]

I second this -- all applications and financial aid information used my e-mail address, at my insistance. Like Cami's son and Andi's son, our son had an incredible academic load (7 classes,including 5 APs), and was trying to keep going with several in-depth ECs during senior year. I basically became the project manager/secretary for the appication process. I never composed a short answer or response, but I did help him to enter the basic data to some of the apps (name, address, stats etc). This is the only way he could have applied to as many schools as he did. </p>

<p>Also, I agree that there is one really good app in a kid; the trick is to help him or her use that to their advantage on other apps. If he writes a great short answer about what his most valuable EC is on one app, try to remember that when it comes up on another. Most applications have a great deal in common. If a parent can take the time to organize the basic questions that will be asked, it can really help streamline the process. It's not that different from proposal preparation, for anyone who's been in marketing. Sort of like sorting through the boilerplate to find the best answers. After 3 or 4 apps, he's probably hit most of them. Of course, anything specific like "Why this college?" requires a unique response.</p>

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<p>Overseas, financial aid isn't available for internationals at SDSU. There are occasional merit scholarship opportunities, but don't count on much. Here's the relevant link: <a href="http://www.sa.sdsu.edu/isc/money.htm#wra02%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.sa.sdsu.edu/isc/money.htm#wra02&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>The good news is tuition at SDSU is relatively inexpensive, although housing costs are not. Even an off campus apartment is pricey in San Diego.</p>

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<p>hehheheh... I remember thinking we were "all done"-- then the personal phone calls came... "we'll still take your app!"... all the way to February! Never say never!</p>

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<p>Congrats Carolyn. We have one down (ED), and hopefully no more to go -- this year!</p>

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<p>Deb922, I absolutely agree with you about rolling admissions being your best friend. My daughter applied to her ultimate safety school, a Cal State, in early October and was accepted 10 days later. It's a school she wouldn't mind going to if all else fails (always a possibility), so it's a relief to both of us to have that solid acceptance in her pocket.</p>

<p>I am pretty realistic about her chances. Of the remaining schools, I'd put her chances at 50-50 overall. So, hopefully, that means she'll get into 2 or 3 of the other five. I'm not expecting merit money; I'll just be relieved if she has a couple of good choices.</p>

<p>There are plenty of things I would have had her do differently if she'd been open to listening. I now have a new appreciation for the old saw "You can lead a horse to water, but you can not make them drink."
In the end, I had to swallow that most bitter pill of parenthood and just zip my lip. </p>

<p>So, now it is up to the admissions Gods to decide her fate. What will be, will be.</p>