What made them miserable?

Parents Forum
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<p>Marian, our freshman has had a similar experience. Of the six guys who will share an off campus house with him next year, four are from his high school and two were roommates of a couple of the high school friends. </p>

<p>Both of our boys went to colleges with a large number of friends from high school (big state publics), but did not room with someone they knew (H’s suggestion). Neither ended up socializing with their roommates, who also had friends from their high schools and weren’t in any way lonely, but it was a good experience.</p>

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<p>Each of my sons have chosen schools where they knew no one going in, and they each have thrived. However, they are very outgoing boys with social skills honed through the EC they all shared over the years–a lot of extended time away from home, living with others in challenging situations.</p>

<p>Some of my sons’ friends have chosen to go to the same school, but instead of rooming together they have instead requested the same dorm. That way they each stretch themselves to meet new people, but the safety net is nearby and convenient.</p>

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<p>Something I have seen arise time and again among unhappy students is a “suitcase” school, a college where there are many commuters and many local students, with the unhappy students not being among the locals.</p>

<p>It’s one thing if you go to a nearby school where you kind of know a lot of the kids and they all live within a half hour of your own home, but if you go to another locale, and you are the new kid in town, a school that empties out on weekends can be a lonely place for many kids.</p>

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<p>One of my DDs went to a huge school with maybe 3-5 others from her HS (but not her grade) one of whom was a guy friend who had always been a good buddy. They both are very involved in their own lives, but she has now graduated and is still good buddies with him, so being on the same campus allowed them to maintain an already good friendship, but different sex, different major, different housing, different sports teams, different social events meant it did not disturb their assimilation into other campus activities.</p>

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<p>Oh, OP, this question has worn out my poor brain for the last 9 weeks, and I hope you parents of the '10-ers will get some valuable insight from this thread. I wouldn’t wish the anguish we’re experiencing on any parent.</p>

<p>D’s school actually seems to be a good fit, and the rigor is just about right for her. She is doing great in her classes and enjoying them, has joined the dance group and been drafted onto the dance steering committee, and really loves her workstudy job. She believes that the distance (1500 miles) is the source of her misery, but ironically, just told me that one of her HS friends is having the same problems, and that girl’s school is less than an hour from home. I still, after all this, believe that the school is a good one for her, and I have to give kudos and thanks to the administration; multiple people there have been nothing short of wonderful in trying to work with her and with us.</p>

<p>But the problem, I have been forced to conclude, is my D. Whether it’s immaturity, or character flaws, or poor parenting on our part, or some combination, I don’t know. But it is now agonizingly clear that she was not ready to leave home. She was young when school started, only 17. She’s an only child, and is very close to DH and me. Looking back, I see that we rescued her too many times; didn’t let her bear consequences often enough, didn’t force her to figure things out on her own often enough, in short, didn’t teach her to be independent from us. At one point, DH said to me, so sadly that it broke my heart, “We didn’t mean to spoil her, but I guess we did.” Whatever the reason, D has decided that she doesn’t like the people there and that they do not like her, and that it will never change, and there is no solution except to leave. She has not budged on this since literally the first day of orientation.</p>

<p>All of this was masked by her apparent readiness for college – bright and articulate and well-prepared, excited and eager to go. She appeared to be socially adept; she had a couple of really close friends and a very large gaggle of friendly acquaintances – just the kind of people she needs now, people to have dinner with, to go to the movies with. We knew it would be tough for her being thrown into a situation where she knew no one, but none of us ever dreamed she’d have the kind of difficulty she’s had connecting to even a single person. She caught some bad breaks on the social front in the very early days, but it’s been more than 2 months now and at some point her isolation became her responsibility. So far she does not accept that. She has always had her dad’s stubbornness and pride, and his unwillingness to ask for help – traits which will serve her as poorly throughout her life as they are serving her now. </p>

<p>She has talked to her advisor about taking a leave for spring semester, and the more I think about it, the more it seems like it may be the only good idea, a belated “gap semester.” With some geographical and emotional distance, she may be able to calm down enough to really examine her own part in this disaster as well as her options. It would also give her a chance to do a little growing up, and she would definitely be seeing a therapist. Come to think of it, maybe DH and I also need some therapy for our letting-go issues.</p>

<p>(Some of you in other threads have made the obvious suggestion: transfer. I thank you for your concern, and I desperately wish that were an option, but for reasons I won’t bore you with, it is not. If she leaves her well-regarded LAC, her only choice for a college education will be CSU Sacramento, a school she wouldn’t even stoop to applying to last year as a safety. See the multiple threads regarding the situation at CSU.)</p>

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<p>Just thought of another source of the problems: D’s unrealistic expectations. She was so completely head-over-heels with the school before she got there that when she began to run into problems, she didn’t know how to integrate them into her idea of Perfection College. The freshman dean said that kids who come in just a little bit cynical or for whom the school was their 2nd choice often do better, because their expectations are much lower and anything good that happens is a pleasant surprise. </p>

<p>So I would say, work hard to make sure that your child understands that no college is perfect, especially if they are going off to their Dream U. Maybe even talk through some of the scenarios you’re finding on this thread and develop strategies ahead of time to deal with them should they arise when your child goes off to college.</p>

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<p>My daughter is no longer talking of transferring, but she was unhappy at first.</p>

<p>Her last assessment - “I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it.”</p>

<p>I think she was unhappy because she didn’t find a group of girlfriends right away. Also, she expected to love, love, love it, and was disappointed when it was more difficult to adjust than she had thought. </p>

<p>She had the impression that some of her high school friends settled right in to their schools, so she was envious of that.</p>

<p>This is someone who had spent five weeks away from home on the other side of the country more than once, where she knew no one, with no difficulties. </p>

<p>She is attending a large-ish flagship university in the South and we are in Massachusetts. Most of the closer friends she has made so far are also from out-of-state.</p>

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<p>I like what fendrock and LasMa are saying about managing expectations. That might be a big part of picking a college and negotiating the early days.</p>

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<p>LasMa-Don’t beat yourself up on this. To some extent none of us really knows how our kids will adjust until it happens. And it sounds as if your D has gotten involved on campus so it may be just a matter of time and finding “her people”.</p>

<p>I think the distance could be a factor. As I recall, from a thousand years ago in my own college days in the midwest, my best friend was far more homesick than I ever was. When I pointed out that we both only went home on major breaks, she responded that I (lived 90 minutes away) had the OPTION to go home anytime while she (home was on the West coast) didn’t. I hadn’t thought of that.</p>

<p>Good luck. I hope it works out for her.</p>

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<p>LasMa, thanks for the advice about lowering expectations. D is waiting for her ED result, if it is good she’ll be going 700 miles from home to a school she thinks is “perfect.” Her older brother was gloriously happy at college within a week of starting at his LAC. We’ll have to do a little bit of “reality check” before she leaves home. </p>

<p>LasMa, sympathy for your situation. The word “stubborn” comes to mind to describe your D, or self-fulfilling prophecy. She decided right away she didn’t like it - so therefore she doesn’t like it. Hopefully the semester off and the therapist will help.</p>

<p>“Experience: what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”</p>

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<p>LasMa - for goodness sakes, don’t be hard on yourself for being the kind of parents that a daughter truly misses. Her love for you will keep her out of all sorts of trouble that would be worse than not liking her school. </p>

<p>I have to tell you that often being younger sometimes catches up to kids in college. They may have done very well academically and socially throughout school, but when it comes time to actually be away from home they falter. I believe kids continue to experience developmental levels well into their twenties (at least), so some of this just may change with the passage of time. </p>

<p>Despite the sleepless nights you have experienced, this is a far better problem to have than to have a child who views college as a time to go wild and be rebellious.</p>

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<p>LasMa - My heart goes out to you.</p>

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<p>Agree with LasMa about expectations. I just went to visit our freshman D for parents weekend. A parent in our hometown told me “you won’t believe how much she will have changed.” Not even close to the truth. She hasn’t changed a bit. Still shy, still has a very small group of friends, still waits for others to plan even if it means she is doing nothing on Saturday night. I think some of the students think that everything will be different in college but they do not make changes themselves.<br>
There is another thread about whether parents are jealous and would like to go back to college. My answer is a resounding NO. The academic stimulation sounds great but the whole social process does not appeal to me at all.</p>

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<p>I have one other thought to add. I think that some kids, including my D and maybe others have an idea of college where everyone else is partying, socializing 24/7, has great life long friends, etc. That is not the reality but they compare their situation to that and then are even more unhappy. Lasma, my D doesn’t seem to be estatic or miserable but somewhere in between. My older son is living alone in a studio apartment and seems very subdued this year…I allow myself to worry sometimes that they are both lonely. Then I count my blessings that neither is having their stomach pumped in an ER on the weekend. Then my DH reminds me that some of the most personal growth he experienced came from lonely times.</p>

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<p>ebeeee, I agree that kids have some preconceived misconceived notions of what college will hold. On cc I’ve seen numerous threads started by kids asking whether these really are the best years of their lives, or did parents truly make lifelong friends because that is not the kids’ current experiences.</p>

<p>This thread has been so helpful to me because rather than just a pro/cons list that I figured ds would make for each of the colleges before me makes a final decision, I think some discussion will be in order of how realistic those pros and cons really are.</p>

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<p>At our D’s college convocation, the president said that his best friends “to this day” were the friends he made within the first two days of college. So my D wondered why, after a few weeks, she hadn’t made life-long friends yet. I still think I should email him and tell him not to raise the expectations so high for freshmen, who feel like failures if they havne’t found their BFFs after a few weeks!</p>

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<p>At one accepted students weekend, an admission officer said to students, “Look to your left, look to your right, you may be looking at your future mother/father in-law.”</p>

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<p>LOL oldfort, thanks for the laugh; I needed it!</p>

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<p>Not a parent, but a pretty observant (I think) student, and what I’ve noticed most often is as a problem is when people pick schools based on what they WANT to be, rather than who they are.</p>

<p>One example: One of my closest friends went to a small private school K-12, and was very quiet, and used to small, tight nit groups of friends. She wanted to be more outgoing, and picked a school she liked. The school was a good fit, her dorm choices, not so much. She avoided Rushing, picked the large, all freshman dorm instead of the stable, close knit residential colleges, and then compounded this her sophomore year by moving to the anti-social, all single room dorm akin to a prison complex.</p>

<p>She’s fixed much of this, but had some really rough times to get to where she is. It’s a hard problem, because it requires a degree of awareness of self which is very rare amongst HS students (or people in general, really), and also the ability to discern what each school’s mold is.</p>

<p>As I conceive it, each school has a specific mold its culture will shape the growth of a its students into. Students frequently see appealing molds (especially the Ivys) and say “Aha! I want to be like that!”. And while this may work for a rare few, it’s backwards. </p>

<p>What you should make sure your child seeks is “Aha! This is who I am! This is like me! I can really grow into myself here.”</p>

<p>One of my favorite quotes happens to illustrate this point nicely: College should, ideally, be

</p>

<p>I’d also like to say that one common source of unhappiness is the aforementioned “early friends” concept.</p>

<p>The idea that you’ll make lasting friends in the first few days is, ultimately, laughable. You WILL likely make one or two you’ll stay friends with (and heck, I met my girlfriend of 2+ years within the first week), but the VAST MAJORITY of “friends” you make during the fall will not be people you speak to regularly by March. I was told to expect this, and it happened to me, my friends, and my friends friends.</p>

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<p>On the opposite end of the spectrum, I think #1 can be reversed–chasing perceived “fit” and ignoring financial reality. My family and I are very debt-averese, and I know I would feel some pressure/guilt/anxiety knowing that I was putting myself or my parents in debt or depleting our resources.</p>

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<p>On the other hand, my mom’s best friend to this day (35 years later!) is still the very first person she met in college! :)</p>