<p>Nice post, arbiter. I like the Iris Murdoch quote.</p>
<p>To add on the other posts, I think a lot of people (including me) expect(ed) college to completely change who they are. Itās been very interesting looking at me and my best friend (who Iāve known since we were about 10) as weāve gone through college and now as college seniors. In some ways, Iāve changed. Iāve become a bit more cynical, more social, and and a lot more independent (as someone with a severe physical disability, I literally had to learn to dress myself when going to college). Iāve changed my major and my goals. My friend has studied abroad, become more or less fluent in French, and become a very good webprogrammer. We both drink now that weāre 21, though less than probably 99% of all college students.</p>
<p>Deep down, however, there is SO much about us that havenāt changed. Iām still incredibly driven and goal-oriented (then it was about college admissions, now about grad school), incredibly busy, stubborn, load among people I know and quiet among people I donāt. Iām still not much of a partier, and two nights in a row is basically my limit. I still get very passionate about specific things and throw myself into them. My friend is still cynical, hilarious, understated, smarter than sheāll admit, and not much of partier.</p>
<p>Have we changed? Yes. Are we still in many ways the same people weāve always been? Yes.</p>
<p>I love this thread. Arbiter, LasMa and others have given hs seniors and their parents much to ponder, and warned us about some major but subtle pitfalls to be wary of. Thanks to them, the OP and to all who have posted. Iām going to continue to follow this thread closely! </p>
<p>Arbiter youāre right, you are very insightful. :)</p>
<p>LasMa, our Dās could be twins! Sk8rgirl is not truly happy anywhere that is not home although she has good friends, good profs, and great roomies at a financial safety that also had the best program for her intended major. Itās a very big school but the kids are friendly there and thereās always alot to do. Sheās closer than your D, so does get to come home once a month but that will likely change once winter sets in. Says she gets tired of always being with people her own age and feels like she can never really relax at school. </p>
<p>Iām guilty of never making her go away on her own though she was involved in a variety of activities and quitting was never encouraged. We did plenty of traveling together with her teams, mostly for competitions, but I didnāt make her go do the social events if she didnāt feel like it or go to the week long residential camps, which she always declined. She was miserable at the overnight orientation last summer - her first real experience staying with total strangers - but she stuck it out even though I was in a hotel a stoneās throw from the dorm.</p>
<p>Right now, Iām thankful that D acknowledges that sheās as happy at her school as she can be anywhere thatās not home and with Mom. Sheās determined to keep smiling and make the best of it, but has permission to ālet her hair downā with me. I get the occassional tears (much less now than 2 months ago, thank goodness) and frequent āI hate my lifeā and she gets it out of her system and moves on. Iām sure I still have the lump in my throat when sheās forgotten about itā¦oh well. Sheās now talking about spending the summer in her dadās home state (though not with him) so hoping this may be a sign that all this uncomfortable change has given her new confidence in her ability to make a life apart from me (and thatās tough for me too, but Iām encouraging it).</p>
<p>Hoping your D will find the right school at the right time in the right place!</p>
<p>Thanks for the praise, but I think its only fair to note that this wasnāt something I figured out until I ended up by chance (process of elimination) at my school, which as it turns out, was perfect for me. Had I gone to the schools I thought I wanted to, Iād be much worse for it, I believe.</p>
<p>Could just be cognitive dissonance, but the changes Iāve undergone that I view as a positive would almost certainly not have come about at the campuses I was pursuing.</p>
<p>LasMa,
I am so sorry that you and your D find yourself in this situation, and I think we can all feel how helpless this must make you feel. I think though, that it is important not to ārescueā your D again. There is a way to provide the support she needs without taking responsibility for her happiness. I like your idea of providing a āgap semesterā with some time devoted to therapy. I donāt know if doing that at home is ideal for her emotional development though. Even when we as parents recognize the flaws in our parenting (and trust me, I have plenty!) it is hard to change that dynamic. Does she have a passion for something (like community service) which would allow her to go away and be succesful? If she is outdoorsy at all - I would highly recommend the NOLA (National Outdoor Leadership Academy) she can earn college credit while she learns how to lead others and most importantly - take care of herself. Good luck and please let us know what happens!</p>
<p>I have a freshman son who is miserable and is filling out transfer applications and planning to transfer for next year. Weāve told him he has to finish out the year, but he seems bound and determined to leave his school as soon as possible. I think in his case the crux of the problem is that he thought he wanted to be far from home, but then realized that he really didnāt, especially now that he has a girlfriend at home. I find this discussion thread interesting because I also think that some kids just arenāt mature enough to deal with college and, in my sonās case, heās just never had to face too many obstacles before. When he got to college and realized that he was going to really miss his girlfriend and that he had to make an effort to make new friends on campus and everything was new and sort of difficult, he didnāt know what to do. It was almost like he was outraged that he might, heaven forbid, just have to endure some loneliness/unhappiness for a while, without us rescuing him. That would be a new experience for him. So, Iām sure wishing now that weād rescued him less and made him stick it out more and maybe heād have enough experience now so that he wouldnāt be running and quitting because things are hard. Oh well, we do the best we can as parents, with the best intentions and sometimes it doesnāt work out.</p>
<p>LasMa-- Sorry that your D is having so much trouble. A gap semester, or even stopping out an entire year, sounds like a great solution. Sheāll be half a year older when she comes back, and that extra maturity could make all the difference in itself.</p>
<p>From what you say, a transfer wouldnāt be the answer even if she had good transfer options. If the problem is her, well, sheād still be the same person at the new school.</p>
<p>Somewhat late to this thread but our D2 is contemplating a transfer. What complicates her situation is that she is a scholarship student athlete at a D1 university. She has always been quiet, reserved and āslow to warmā to new situations. We questioned her choice of school due to her temperment, distance from home and academic rigor. The university is beautiful, housing fantastic and she has been quite successful in her sport. Her problems have centered on the culture of the team (lots of partying in season and no real desire to perform well in the classroom ) and the fact that the school literally shuts down on weekendsā¦main cafeteria even closes on weekends! She is not challenged in her classes. She is currently researching transfer schools. She has not found enough of āher peopleā on the team to keep her there. She will stay the yearā¦itās free! We have told her the transfer apps and research is up to her. She will not play her sport at some schools and perhaps at others she is looking at due to NCAA rules. We told her to carefully think this through as she could graduate in three years for free and also have one year of grad school paid for if she stays. The choice is hers.</p>
<p>I would add a #6: bad luck. Sometimes your freshman hallmates are a nightmare. Even if you are doing your best to get involved, meet other people, etc., living with people who are anti-social or troubled is bad news. My first college and I werenāt a great match, but it was just plain bad luck that my hallmates wereā¦my hallmates. Thereās something about having to call security on someoneās abusive boyfriend that compromises the feeling of community on a hall.</p>
<p>From my personal experience 30 years ago
the 6 and a half hour drive-- no car
being in a triple all freshman girls dorm
adjusting to 65 inches of snow when I ws used to 25 inches
I transfered after freshman year to a smaller more rigorous school academically that was 1.25 hours from home with train service!!
Starryskye</p>
<p>D went to small LAC. Hated first semester, missing boyfriend, wanted to transfer to his larger school, almost flunked out with partying. Christmas break decided not to go back but stay home and go to community college. Transfer came through same time she broke up with boyo. Decided not to transfer and was grateful to return to orginal school. Doing great.</p>
<p>Wow markbright, that must have been stressful for you!!!</p>
<p>1) **Chased the money and ignored the issue of āfit.ā **No, S has taken ownership of the whole process starting with the accomplishment of getting the merit money. I heard him say to a HS senior the summer after Sās freshman year that āthe Fitā is finding activities that you are interested in once you get there and that the greatest experience he had was getting into something that he had never done before and making his ātightā group of friends from those involved in that new experience. Afer Soph year we were talking about a buddy of his from HS who had a rough time in college. S mentioned that the guy had made all decisions about college based upon who he was in HS and when he got to college he started to change and the college didnāt fit.</p>
<p>2) Thought they wanted to move far from home and then got homesick. Na. It didnāt take long for college to be āhome.ā S refers to seeing us on breaks as āvisits.ā</p>
<p>3) Unprepared for the rigor of this particular college. Wasnāt an issue. We had discussed how much easier it is to do really well from the start so that you donāt spend all 4 years trying to bring up the freshman year grades.</p>
<p>4) Bored by lack of rigor at this particular college. Na. S is at a small LAC and he said that he loved the ability to go one on one with the prof and go farther into the subject matter in those classes that really interested him.</p>
<p>5) **Underestimated some aspect of college **-- yup. S said the winter weather was a shock being much, much colder than he was used to.</p>
<p>^^^^
So I take it heās not too miserable?</p>
<p>markbright, phew!!!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No. I wouldnāt say so. I did forget to mention to the OP that dorm/roommate/on or off campus housing etc seems to be an area for focus.</p>
<p>My Sās an only child and he quickly learned that he wanted a single (and off campus) as soon as possible. He likes his sleep and dorms and roommates arenāt all that great for getting sleep. I know from CC that other parents have had nightmare stories of roommate and living arrangement issues. My S had a nearly unique college class arrangement. All students attend class from 9-12:30 M-F, so there wasnāt a real problem with having early classes for some result in a lot of noise for others with only a later class.</p>
<p>This year with a single just off campus he has been able to avoid the flu in spite of a large percentage of the students coming down with it. He was sick for a few days last year in the dorm when he had a single and he said that was a real āpainā since his dorm did not have a private attached bathroom.</p>
<p>We were shocked at first, and then paperwork was annoying, we insisted that she just take a leave of absence from school and not withdraw. But then she enrolled immediately for January session at local cc and then spring. Actually, this whole rigamarole saved us money, cheap credits to transfer back to expensive school. Secretly, her mother and I are pleased that she faced the mess, fixed it and didnāt run away. We knew it was a good fit for her.</p>
<p>Some great advice and insight on this thread.</p>
<p>Some comments more to LasMaās issue, than the thread topic: Appreciate LasMa being so open and direct about the situation with D. Gap semester with a leave of absence sounds like a good optionā¦and itās very possible D will want to go back to original school, as has been the situation with others in similar situations who have posted on this thread.</p>
<p>However, itās very important that you start allowing (and requiring) D take ownership for all of this ā including finding out what needs to be done to take a LOA, filling out the paperwork herself, and developing a planā¦to be agreed to and approved by parentsā¦for what she will do during gap semester.</p>
<p>She may not have been ready to go so far from homeā¦but she needs to learn how to rescue herself. It will be good experience for similar situations later in life.</p>
<p>Lasma-- Iāve been very impressed with your willingness to take a look at what you want to do differently. Still, I know itās not easy and think your D will be fortunate to have a little reprieve and some therapy to figure out what it is she wants to do differently. One suggestion, which you donāt need to take, obviously ;), is maybe a life coach instead of a therapist. It doesnāt really sound like thereās any kind of emotional dysfunction, just some unrealistic expectations and a little bit of a lack of understanding of how to get out of her own way. Life coaches can help with this where sometimes we psychologists tend to get a little bit too deep into problems when there arenāt any. Iāve recommended life coaches for younger students who seemed healthy but a little bit lost, before. FWIW</p>