<p>This might be brutal...but here goes. If I was going to be your roommate I wouldn't really care about what you wrote. If you told me about something that you like, now that might be interesting. Why would an adcom care whether you keep your room clean or dirty? What does it tell them about you? Again, these are just my thoughts. Although well-written (much better than my writing), it's not too interesting and doesn't tell me too much about you.</p>