What to do when spouse disagrees on paying for kids college?

Paying for College
1

Background…my spouse is decent…helps around the house, ok with kids, etc…but he never wants to talk about anything serious and doesn’t handle stress at all. He’s also (and I don’t mean this is a bad way) very ignorant about financial aid and loans and never wants to even talk about this stuff. I prepare all taxes and he never even reviews.

We have twins finishing up their Sophomore year and I’ve been posting/reading advice on CC to get my feet wet and enjoyed learning what to expect. We both work FT and make enough that we will likely not qualify for any financial aid. We also have wonderful average kids…so merit aid will likely not be that great. Being the one who does think ahead and handle all the serious matters, it’s fallen to me to start thinking about college for our kids and how to finance it. This is now where I’m having an issue with my spouse…when you marry someone you don’t think that far down the line and say…oh, I want to pay for kids college. But, as my parents sacrificed and paid for my entire college tuition, I want to be able to do the same for my kids now. My husband never finished college…he started a part-time job and just quit and went full-time. He makes decent money but works very long hours in a blue-collar service job and is not flexible at all (i.e., can’t just take a few hours out of day or leave early for appt.). He doesn’t value college education as much as I do since he’s making as much as I do…even though he works longer/harder and has been at his job longer than I’ve been at mine…so really not apples to apples.

I’ve started broaching the topic of paying for college…but just the other day he said…“we’ll split it”…meaning he expects kids to pay half and us to pay half. While some will find that reasonable, based on our EFC (which even with twins will be $25K per year for each kid) I do not want my kids to be saddled with college debt!! When we do talk about it all he says is…that’s what loans are for…but he doesn’t get that they can each only get federal loans of $5500, $6500, $7500 caps and that we would have to co-sign for any other loans at high interest rates.

I’ve already posted and received great advice on how to pay for 4 years of college education for our twins based on what we already have saved in their 529s. And I know that based on our finances, 529s and federal loans (which I’ll do mainly because of wanting each kid to have good credit history started), we’ll be able to afford twins in college (in-state public 4 yrs.)…I’m willing to sacrifice and even work past retirement age in order for my kids to receive a debt-free college education. And I plan to help pay off any federal loans they get as well. I do this not only because I want them to finish college debt free…but because I want them to be free of any debt for if and when they go for Masters, Law School, etc. – that is when they will be responsible for student debt. If they have undergraduate college debt, I fear they will just stop and get a job in order to pay off debt and then not go on to further their education even if they wanted to.

My spouse sees nothing wrong with community college – and don’t get me wrong, I don’t either…but I also want my kids to have the full college experience if at all possible…and in my book it’s possible! We are thankfully financially stable with great home equity and low mortgage…no other outstanding debt, except for 1 car loan and some regular credit card debt.

I see arguments in my future. I think he’s being selfish – he’s even recently looked at an expensive sports car and stated he could get it when kids graduate high school…I told him right away…ummm…no…what about paying for 4 yrs of college…that’s when he said “we’ll split it”. I would rather keep on old car and pay for my kids education than selfishly buy an expensive sports car. If needed, I’d even be willing to get a cash-out refinance on our mortgage to help pay for college - best way and we could swing it easily.

How should I begin the discussion of paying for kids college and the benefit of not saddling kids with undergraduate college debt?? Anyone else out there in the same situation? How did you resolve the matter?

2

How non-negotiable is paying the entire college bill? I wouldn’t saddle my kids with loans so my spouse could buy an expensive sports car. How are you paying your current bills? Since you handle the finances, I’d make sure a decent amount of your check gets funneled into a 529 or a savings in your name that can’t be accessed to pay for fancy sport cars. I’d also work with him to try to determine how much he feels is reasonable to pay. Since it doesn’t sound like you expect much merit or need based aid, maybe you could compromise by targeting $30-$40k/year schools instead of $60k colleges and he could compromise by agreeing that you’ll pay all but the federal student loan portion.

3

2 thoughts, neither of which are great.

  1. You and your H separate your money and each pay half of your bills. Whatever remains, you are each free to spend how you like. You can spend a portion of your remaining half on college tuition. Con is that I could see a lot of resentment on your part as you pack PB&J sandwiches for work and drive in your 15 year old car to work while he hops in his new sports car and eats out at lunch. Maybe he'd change his mind if he really saw how important it is to you? But I wouldn't count on that.
  2. Instead of student loans, you and your H give a loan to your kids at a lower rate of interest, say 4 or 5 percent. That's more than you'll make with CDs and avoids the volatility of the stock market. If your kids get in severe financial straights in the future, you can decide at that time if you want to forgive part of the loan or extend the payout period. You can also decide to forgive some of the loan (or interest) as birthday presents etc.

It’s good that you can acknowledge that he’s not an ogre, just comes from a different mindset. And that if you are talking want vs need, going away all 4 years is a want. (I’d want that too!). Best of luck to you, and I hope someone comes up with better ideas than I did.

4

@austinmshauri – we are in VA…yes we are targeting in-state publics with around $25-30K/yr. I want to pay for my kids 4 yrs of college…but I’m only willing to do that for an in-state public which in VA is about $25-30K/yr.

@melvin123 - no, he’s not an ogre…but really financially ignorant sometimes…he doesn’t even agree about saving money in 529s for college…if it were up to him…he wouldn’t have saved any money for either of them. Thankfully, I handle the finances. We have had to stop putting money into the 529s at times, due to other financial obligations and we do spend a lot of money on our kids now anyways to give them opportunities we never had…i.e., travel soccer, sending son to Philmont Scout Ranch and sending daughter to Dom Rep for service learning trip. So thankfully we can afford the “wants”.

5

I personally can see both sides of your argument. But I think if your husband works hard for his money, he can decide to buy himself a nice car if he wants to. Why should he just work long hours and get NO reward for it besides paying all the bills? Your kids can handle having some college debt. I think if you guys had plenty of money to just gift your kids, that is one thing, but if you do not and it is going to require you to work till well in your late 60s or early 70s to just ensure your kids don’t pay a dime for college that is kind of unreasonable. I do realize that many on this website don’t have that same mindset. I think rich people who can and want to pay for all their kids education should, I think that the rest of us who are working paycheck to paycheck should not expect our kids to graduate debt free (unless you just love working more than anything and it is your passion, I guess). I think working parents deserve to have some nice things in their life, and that every extra dollar doesn’t need to be sacrificed for the kids to live on easy street. If that makes me selfish, I guess I get to own that. I really don’t understand it when parents think that the kids should have everything handed to them on a platter. My kids have the choice to pick an affordable education or one that is going to saddle them with loans. Your kids also have that choice, and I think that your husband should get to be a part of that decision, otherwise you get to handle the burden of all those loans by yourself.

6

OP- can you you clarify- you are comfortable with your kids taking out the max in federal loans but nothing beyond that? Or no loans at all?

7

Sometimes you have to weigh priorities based on what you can afford and what you have in savings. It doesn’t sound like you have the money in savings, so you’d need to take out a sizable loan to pay for the twins college. You’re looking at $200,000 if you want to give them the full college package with dorms, food, etc. That’s a huge burden even for a financially well-off household. Also, giving them the full college package for free actually sabotages the key ingredient in college education…struggle and sacrifice.

That loan could be cut in half by doing one thing. Tell them that they can have the full college experience if they get part time jobs and pay for their living expenses, otherwise they commute from home. If that’s still a financial strain, then there’s nothing wrong with 2 years at a community college.

8

True, but hopefully you did have financial conversations and you could extrapolate. No one knows exactly how they will feel about a future situation, but did you have any money concerns, as far as how you approach money, before marriage? Are you surprised by his response? I find it is a topic that should be discussed more often.

I think you need to initiate a set of conversations with him. He needs to understand how important this is to you and what you are willing to sacrifice for it. He doesn’t need to understand it all right away. I am not advocating being dishonest, but rather warming him up to the situation. I also think you have to be willing to compromise here as well, the natural compromise being the federal loans. Some even advocate that it’s better when the child has skin in the game (I don’t always agree with that and think only some children are extra motivated in that situation).

9

The thing about a radical thrift campaign (whether it’s for eldercare, kids education, a vacation) is that it works when everyone is on board, and often backfires when it’s one person leading the charge.

But I’m not sure your numbers work without your kids taking out the federal loans even with your H’s full on participation and agreement. So you need to run a couple of scenarios before you get too far down this path.

10

All good points made above. I’ll elaborate…yes, my kids already work and and know that they have to help pay for things and will continue to do so. We already make them pay for some or half the cost of things they want…i.e., son needed new hiking boots for scout trip to Philmont…he paid half and we paid half. So, yes, I will expect them to “help” pay for college to the extent they can with any part-time/summer jobs…but at best the amount they earn will likely only be to help with the books, food, transportion, etc. They know they won’t be able to call home and ask for any frivolous funds needed to say go on a beach trip with friends.

They will each take out the max federal loans, but again that would leave them each with $27K debt after college. I want to encourage them to go further in their studies should they wish to…Masters, Law School, etc. and I don’t want their response to be that it costs too much money since they already have college debt and have that be a deciding factor. I work in an office environment 9-5…a gig I very much enjoy and is very flexible…I can’t see myself “fully” retiring at all for a very long time…some of my co-workers are in their 60s/70s…one doesn’t have to work, but does and finds time to go to Paris at least a few times a year. My pipe dream when I retire is to actually run a B&B…but that’s a post for another time :wink: Point is…retirement? sitting around the house all day? Not sure that’s for me…I may change my mind…I can’t see the future, but for now that’s the plan…even if working part-time.

I am confident that I have teens with very good work ethics already - son mows our lawn/daughter does yard work and they don’t get paid because they know how much we already give them. They both work (referee, babysitter) when they can (which if you have teens in high school you already know is very hard while keeping up with studies and ECs).

I like the idea of warming him up to the situation ;-)…so far that’s the plan.

11

I also control the family finances, to the point where my H deposits his check in a joint account he never looks at and I give him an allowance. He just doesn’t want to be bothered. However, my h has to work harder than I do (he does earn more, but still), and sometimes, he wants his priority funded over something else. Since most of the time, he just rolls with whatever I’ve got planned, when things are a real issue for him, I fund what he wants funded over my own priority.

Having lived this way for so long, I think its an area where you need to compromise. Yeah, 4 years of sleep away college with no debt is awesome, but if you want that 4 years with no debt, you may need to agree to 2 years at cc followed by 2 at in-state public. Or agree that the kids will take out the federal loans (and pay them off themselves) and you will fund 4 years to an institution that costs what the in-state public costs. Really, the federal loan limits are not horrifically burdensome, even for a new humanities graduate.

Whatever you do, don’t plan to work past retirement just to fund their college. You can’t see the future. We’re all just a health event (yours or someone else’s) or a job loss away from seeing those plans go up in smoke.

12

@blossom…the plan is that they will take out the federal loans (so that they earn good credit history)…the point is I’d be willing to do a cash-out refinance in order to help pay for kids college and/or help pay off the federal loans. Note, I’m using the term “help”…kids will work as much as they can to pay what they can.

I’d be willing to keep an old car with no monthly payment for 4 yrs so that the extra money can go towards college.

13

I hate to mention anything negative, but I’ve read multiple times that the actual average age for retirement is 62, even though people plan to work longer, usually because of their health or the health of a loved one. So, hope to work to 70 but plan on 60.

14

Re:grad school- how realistic is it to fear that your kids won’t go further with their education because of their undergrad loans? If you want to practice law, there’s only one path forward in this country- law school and the bar exam. Ditto medicine, PT, Social Work. All of these professions require graduate school. On the margin- yes, a kid who is ambivalent about grad school may decide it’s not worth it if they are uncommitted but truth be told- grad school isn’t summer camp. And a kid who is uncommitted probably needs a few years in the work force to sort things out.

15

Select the colleges very carefully for financial fit. That may mean eliminating some really good Virginia schools to stay within a budget.

You need to spell out to your husband and kids what ‘splitting it’ means. If you expect schools to cost $30k each, that means you’ll have to come up with $30k per year and they will each have to come up with $15k. That can’t really happen, but you can put down on paper that they will have to earn $2k per summer for the next two summers, and then maybe $3k after graduation, take the loans, and maybe come up with a scholarship to fill the gap. You’ve mentioned that your kids have other summer plans, like scout camp and family vacations. Your husband needs to see that something has got to go if they have to pay half. It is not like the olden days when kids could earn $800 in the summer and that was half. Now they can earn $3000 and that’s a fifth of what they’ll need.

Compromise is needed. I think you have to accept that your kids will have to take loans or that they have to give up their activities now and go to work. I think your husband has to accept that college doesn’t cost $5k and if he wants his kids to go to sleep away college, he’s going to have to contribute more than half.

I didn’t want my kids to take the loans either, and it was really important to me that they go to 4 year sleep away colleges (they’d changed high schools 3 times; I wanted them to have ONE college). We made it the first year, and the second year they had to take the loans. I will try to pay as much of the loans as I can, but they know that the loans are their responsibility. Also, both of my kids could have worked more while in school and in the summer and may have been able to borrow less, but they wanted to study abroad, or travel with my brother over Christmas, or take a vacation in the summer. That’s all fine, but someone has to pay for that time. They have not lived like royalty while in college, but have enjoyed a few luxuries and experiences like trips, concerts, a semester abroad, sororities. One played a sport so didn’t work while in school (although she did this last semester and realized she should have been doing it all along) and the other is just plain lazy sometimes. She too got a job this semester and found it to be easy.

If your husband doesn’t want to talk about it, just put as much money away as you can. If he cares about where his money goes, he needs to be involved. It’s not like you are gambling it all away. It’s there, designated for college, but he can use it for something else if he wants.

16

@melvin123 – I’ll be 49 the year they start college, spouse will be 55. We’ll both be under 60 by the time they graduate college. That’s my other rule…I’m only willing to pay for 4 yrs each. Anything over 4 and they are on their own :wink:

17

@twoinanddone - thank you! We’ll see how it goes…we have enough saved so that we’ll be ok the first year for sure…2nd-4th years will be tighter and will likely require loans and/or cash-out refinance option.

The other underlying issue is he didn’t finish college, never went to sleepaway college…therefore doesn’t value it.

18

@scoutmom2002, I can’t respond at length now, but I just want you to know that I can relate to your situation and will post later about how things played out in my household.

19

Instead of pushing four years of sleep-away college for each of your kids as the gold standard, start with something much more basic: what future does he envision for your children? For example, he has a well-paying blue collar job that did not require a college degree. Does he see either of your children having the temperament and abilities needed for that particular job (or related ones that he knows a lot about)? Is that line of work still something that is easy to enter without a full college degree?

If he doesn’t think that your children would be good matches for that career what does he see as their strngths, and how does he see them moving into the workforce? For the positions he thinks would work for them, what are the educational requirements? Likewise, even if they are good matches for his career, but the entry requirements have changed since he started working, how does he see them meeting those requirements?

Facing this home to workforce transition for the kids and emptying nest transition for the parents is about a lot more than it looks at the outset. Your husband may be thinking about retirement or shifting into a different position or a whole different career. He may well feel that it is time to cut loose one sports car worth so that he can take that cute gal he’s married to for a spin on the weekends. His dreams are important too.

If the two of you find that your dreams don’t look to be compatible, get some professional help to see how you can work together through this next phase of life.

20

@happymomof1 good insights thanks. He has a blue collar job that while it pays the bills and did not require a college degree…does not exist anymore…those days are long gone. That being said, even it were still an option…I’ve always been “single mom” during the week. He was never able to bath kids, tuck kids in bed, see kids school concerts or events during the week, never able to take kids to soccer practice or after school activities or doctor appointments. During holiday season he doesn’t get home until 10pm…even now he’s usually only home after 8pm. I don’t want that for either of my kids. I grew up cleaning houses with my mom and my dad was in construction…they worked their ^%$(=@'s off to make sure my brother and I went to college and had a better life. My parents paid…I had no college debt. They made it work. I think that is why it’s so important to me…you want the same (if not better) for your kids…I assume all parents do.

I’ll try to have a sit down conversation and ask him your questions - good questions indeed…but we’ll see…as per my original post…he never wants to talk about anything serious or that causes stress.