What to do when you think your son is truly not ready for college?

Parents Forum
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<p>No spite intended, ctmom of 3. No one is handed a manual after the birth of their child with instructions for raising that particular child, with all his/her strengths and vulnerabilities. We must do the best we can.</p>

<p>However, there are certain warning signs of problems. As this was your first child--right?--it is understandable that you would not have realized they were warning signs. Having worked for a child psychiatrist for some years, I became aware that when there are problems going on with a child, usually a young teen by the time he saw him, some component of that problem OFTEN (perhaps not always) has to do with the child-rearing. It's usually unintentional.</p>

<p>Often, the thing to do, what my boss often did, was counsel the parents to enroll the child, usually a boy, in boarding school.</p>

<p>You should know that my sister has a boy with ADHD and she just wasn't prepared to handle it. He's a great young man, but he was medicated a lot growing up and there were not enough structures for homework. He played a lot of videogames. He would have flourished at a boarding school. My sister made the choice that she would 'miss him too much' if he went to boarding school, and so she rejected the idea when my other sister presented it to her. (she regrets it now, all right) He wasn't the sort to act out with drugs, etc., fortunately. He's making preparations to join the military currently, and looking forward to being independent for the first time in his life!</p>

<p>For myself, my own son is entering 9th grade. Just a great kid, but he's heading to boarding school this fall because of socialization issues. He's smart and sensitive, and embarrassed to live in an apartment when others live in houses. He's very aware of being 'one-down'. That's the big issue. He's withdrawing, and I am not about to let it happen. I know what to do and I'm doing it. He's excited about going, too. He has strengths, he's a little bit of a class clown and can carry it off, but I'm sending him anyway, just to be sure he develops normally.</p>

<p>Because of my boss, I am very open to the idea of boarding school when there are any kind of adjustment problems, if it's a better alternative to remaining at home. </p>

<p>I wonder whether the structure of a boarding school as a young teen would have helped your son. It is too late for that now. At this point you have to deal with how events have evolved and what can be done at this point. </p>

<p>While I wouldn't be posting all the time on here, I realize this is how you vent your stress so it might be helpful to you. Sometimes, though, going over and over it so frequently can be counter-productive to you. It would only fuel my depression, if I were in your shoes. Hard as it might be to do, you might want to go to a gym and work off some of your stress. That's actually more helpful than you think.</p>

<p>Your situation is unfortunate. I hope there is a good final resolution.</p>

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<p>To all the many many posts here who have been so kind, so sensitive, so heartwarming and encouraging I truly thank you...coming home from work and reading these posts made me smile. </p>

<p>To isla...I don't know you but you are giving me the creeps, no offense. You sound as if you have taken a unusual highly curious interest in my story and you spend more time bashing me, my parenting skills and coming at me with your suspicions than you do offering real sound, good advice. Frankly you have made it very clear that you think my over 100 posts to YOU is strange, and over the top.....your point is taken, how many times do you want to talk about it? I will say again, now its SEVERAL people who have pm'd me about your posts and we all agree they are a bit odd, and very very antagonistic. Until you have lived a day in my shoes, you really should not judge. I HAD TO BE VERY INVOLVED IN HIS LIFE...I don't want to think about what would have happened if I wasn't and if I was a kid, I would feel grateful for a parent who is there for me every step of the way...its much more work to be there than to not be there. We all do what we think is right, and you know what, despite what we are going through, desipte the hurt and heartache, I still love him very much and am proud of some of the accomplishments he has achieved despite going through what he has, his own advisor was stunned when I opened up to her,based upon his good grades that he was going through such an ordeal. He could have faltered in his grades but that is one thing he really kept up and I know his own personal pain was great and that I am sure wasn't always easy.</p>

<p>Norstarmom, thanks for your very kind and gentle words if wisdom, it sounds like you too have had your share of heartache and I guess it takes someone to know what I am going through who has also dealt with a similar situation. Not all of us have perfect kids who can keep it together no matter what like some on this board.
For those of you who are following this story, he did work today...we went to the therapist who as someone suggested above also said he should take an active role in the "contract" we are outlining and allow him to be able to dictate to us, within reason of course, what he thinks is reasonable. We started doing that tonight, and we will see what kind of end product we end up with.
Today was a tough day, sometimes this year plus of sheer agony, pain and frustration has really caught up with me, I just felt low and depressed for no real reason other than I feel emotionally and mentally wiped out. I feel in my heart we will get through this, but it is very hard to go through this slow process, with the added pressure that we have some serious decisions to make very soon. Will keep you posted............</p>

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<p>"Having worked for a child psychiatrist for some years, I became aware that when there are problems going on with a child, usually a young teen by the time he saw him, some component of that problem OFTEN (perhaps not always) has to do with the child-rearing. It's usually unintentional.</p>

<p>Often, the thing to do, what my boss often did, was counsel the parents to enroll the child, usually a boy, in boarding school."</p>

<p>What!?! THAT was one a heck of a co-pay!</p>

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<p>Irving, looking back I do see how perhaps a boarding school could have been good for his kind of personality, however you must remember these problems really started a little over the last year, where he was just starting his junior year...so really at that point it would have been late. But even early in his hs school career, when he wans't working up to his potential.....yes it is something that maybe we would have considered. I have started taking long walks about 3 to 5 miles and it does help clear my head, I will say. You are very lucky to have the boss that you do, while my own boss and I are quite friendly and in fact share some of the same issues with our kids and often talk about it, she doesn't go out on a limb the way yours does...sounds like a remarkable person!
Ironically my brother is taking my son tonight to talk to a military recruiter, mostly to impress upon him that decisions need to be made and of course my brother thinks my son could really benefit from a few years in the service and I will admit that there are times where I think maybe its not such a bad idea, I know it has done wonders for countless young men, at this point I will keep an open mind.</p>

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<p>Jordan</a> Haerter -- Newsday.com</p>

<p>Please rethink the visit with the recruiter. My son's best friend from high school was killed in Iraq this Spring. He was the sweetest kid--not the kind of kid you would think would join the Marines. Smart, sweet, kind, and gentle with strong character and integrity. After about 18 months of training, he was sent to Iraq. Within one month, he was sent home in a box. We're very proud of the person he was and his sacrifice for his fellow marines. !9 years old, stationed at the security gate when a truck full of 2000pounds of explosives decided not to stop. It was a suicide bomber. This boy pushed another marine behind a cement baracade. He and a fellow young marine stood their ground. The truck wouldn't stop. They maintained their position knowing full well what was going to happen. As the truck headed straight for them, this 19 years shot the driver. The truck blew up. He and the other security guard died. Yet, they saved the lives of 35 fellow marines and 50+ Iraqi soldiers. Is your son committed enough to sacrifice his life? Are you willing to let him go? view the 29 pictures above--you may rethink talking with the recruiter. I'm not against the military. You just need to have a realistic view what it takes to be a soldier.</p>

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<p>I completely agree with NYsmile. Very similar, heartbreaking story from my hometown last year...</p>

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<p>I understand. But what if everybody felt that way?</p>

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<p>
[quote]
what if everybody felt that way?

[/quote]
Then it would be a lot tougher for Presidents to start unnecessary wars.</p>

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<p>DontPanic1, Please don't imply that I'm against the military or against young people joining up. I'm not. I respect our military and have great pride in each and every one that serves our country. For Jordan, it was his purpose. That's how he saw it. He loved his country and wanted to serve. He wanted to make a difference. He wanted to be a part of something big. It was his choice and we all supported him in his decision. My son helped him train during his senior year of high school. The summer after his graduation, my son joined him on the early morning runs on the beach to keep him company as he worked hard to build up his strength and conditioning for what would be expected of him during boot camp. They ran together and on each run, talked about their dreams and hopes for the future. For those young men and women who have a calling to help and serve our country, I will be forever grateful. For ctmomof3,
to use the military as a "scare tactic" or alternative to her son's current behavior is something that I don't agree with. DontPanic1, your post was just meant to stir up emotions--congratulations.</p>

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<p>Hi this is not just a scare tactic, I do think this can be a great turnaround opportunity for boys neither here nor there in their lives, those who need to be shown a path,etc....I did think it would possibly be a wake up call that this is one viable option, and yes I do think it had the effect of making him realize how amazingly lucky he is to have the chances he does, I too have the highest respect for our military and every night in my prayers acknowledge the sacrifices they made and make each and every day, amazing when you think of the conditions they must live under to protect OUR freedoms and liberties.......so admirable and honorable.
Listen, if he wanted to do it, as much as I personally will admit it would break my heart, because I would be a nervous wreck thinking that he might go to war, I would still support it because I think that kind of discipline, character building and no doubt confidence building experience can only make a boy a man, and a great man at that. I read recently that 200 of the top fortune 500 were all marines...interesting tidbit.
So we shall see...............they went for dinner and will be home later, I am anxious to hear about it and will share for anyone interested. Good night!</p>

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<p>Two of my son's two best friends signed up for ROTC when the three of them went off to college last year. They were over last night, and have "muscled up" so much that I almost didn't recognize them. They had just gotten back from some kind of air training, and had parachuted for the first time. My kid said he felt very frivolous, since all he had accomplished was getting good grades, while these guys were both studying and getting prepared to go to war. They've both signed the contracts for service upon graduation. I've loved these kids since 2nd grade, and will be in fear for them...</p>

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<p>I am dumbfounded by the post suggesting boarding school as a routine cure for adjustment and socialization issues. Perhaps there are some boarding schools out there specializing in those sorts of issues, but by and large, most boarding schools are socialization nightmares-- and have always been thus. Boarding school magnifies the affects observed in every high school social system. Boarding school socialization is rigidly power based and those with less power are punished by their peers just as they are in day schools (but for 24 hours a day rather than 7). Adolescents with good peer social skills can do very well in the boarding school environment, but those without those skills will suffer even more than they do at home (although perhaps the parents will not have to observe it).</p>

<p>Frankly I have real trouble believing that there are still mental health proffessionals out there positing that most child development issues are the result of poor parenting......</p>

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<p>^^They are called "child-rearing practices" and thousands of "professionals" of course believe just that or they'd be out of a job. :) </p>

<p>Here is just one:</p>

<p>Psychology</a> Today: Why Our Kids Are Out of Control</p>

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<p>When my S was small, all of our closest friends had girls, all of whom were master manipulators. All of them showered their little queen bees with attention all the time. None of them could amuse themselves for 5 seconds without parental supervision. If we were at their houses for dinner, for example, mother had to disappear for and hour or more because Gs supposedly could not go to sleep without that length of undivided attention from mother. All of them were tattletales, and sore losers who would cry and whine if they didn't win games. Typical scenario: we are at a ski lodge, and S and G are amusing themselves by racing between two points while we all wait for something. After a few minutes, G comes crying to mother that S isn't being nice to her. Why? Because she hasn't won yet. Mother suggests to S that he ought to let her win. Another time/place, kids are playing. S runs by chasing G. Moments later, G runs by chasing S. Rinse and repeat. After a few more minutes, G appears in room where adults are, whining "He's chasing me!" Mother of G would normally jump in and affirm her manipulativeness, ask S why he was chasing G, commiserate with G because he was supposedly chasing her, and so on. I usually remain silent. On this occasion, G miscalculated because mother was not in the room, only father. Completely sick of this, I intervene, saying, "I saw you chasing him and him chasing you. I'm sure you both know how to get along. If you can't get along you'll have to stop playing together." Little girl looks at me wide-eyed, and goes away. Kids proceed to play together without fuss.</p>

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<p>Hi ctmomof3 ... no great advice here ... just a message of support as you work through this.</p>

<p>For me personally I seem to have a bit of a contrarian view on less mature kids. For my kids the less mature they are the more I am going to try to guide them to a situation that makes them address their immaturity. I think a tougher more competative college, while a risk, can be good for a less mature student because they have no where to hide. Letting a kid start at a CC or a less competative school where they may ba able to coast academically without getting on top of their studying and lifestyle issues. Guiding them towards tougher schools carries the risk of failure ... but I view that as a short-term issue ... the bigger question for me is will this "stress test" more likely help or hinder my child. </p>

<p>Full disclosure ... I was one of those kids ... pretty good grades and SATs in high school and no study habits or work maturity. I went to a top tier school and got my lunch handed to me for 3 semesters (got every grade on the D-, D, D+, C-, C, C+, etc scale) ... eventually I woke up and worked my butt off. I believe 100% if I had gone to my state school, which was fine, I would have gravitated to the dead beats and slinked by with better grades than I got at my school and while not growing up ... how much longer it would have taken me to grow up I have no idea but I'm sure it would have taken a lot longer.</p>

<p>My kids are all different and I view one of my main roles is guiding them into situations that will best help them grow and mature ... and that path is very different for each of my kids.</p>

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<p>"Frankly I have real trouble believing that there are still mental health proffessionals out there positing that most child development issues are the result of poor parenting......"</p>

<p>Certainly "parenting" is a good place to start to impact on any childs situation, but dealing with it is what "mental health professionals" are supposed to do. "Referring" them to somewhere else seems like a "dump" to me, in all but the most dire circumstances. And "residential treatment" is what happens to "regular" folks when someone thinks they can't raise their kids. Then that "someone" gets to pay for it. No offense, but I can only imagine the kind of clientele a child psychiatrist must be working with for boarding school to be a financially viable option. Hmmm... where was that???</p>

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<p>^Ooops....too late to take it back. Wish I could. Apologies; Don't know what got into me.</p>

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<p>dierder- I do agree with you, about child issues being mostly result of bad parenting, it is just rediculous to imply such a notion.........much of this is something the child is born with or predisposed to being, and with help and sometimes medication (based upon the diagnosis- they often will and can get better). But to imply such a thing is ludicrous and irresponsible.
3togo, I also agree that if we are going to send him anywhere, a more competitive environment, (since we know academically is on well on par) is possibly the best....since he will be for the most part around very motivated and "on the ball" kinds of kids. So..we do keep that in the back of our mind as we think ahead.</p>

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<p>good luck ctmomof3. As far as the idea that sending him off to a competitive college to be around very motivated and "on the ball" kinds of kids, I'm not sure if I agree. I had one son transfer from a nationally ranked top tier college after his freshman year. Many of the kids he was surrounded with were smart but they were also wealthy, entitled, self-centered, rather racist (probably because of being sheltered in private h.s. prep schools and never experienced friendships with minorities), and preferred hard core drinking as their entertainment. They had "money to burn" so buying "top shelf" liquor and an endless supply of beer wasn't a problem. S earned straight A's but he hated the environment. He transferred to an instate public university and loves it. He loves the more diverse population, loves the fact that these kids work at jobs to help pay for their education (as he does), loves the fact the students respect each other (most are from public h.s. and enjoy a diverse group of friends), and learned that a public university does indeed offer a great education both academically and socially. He's still getting A's but is much happier with the social environment. What I'm trying to say is that one should not assume that a more competitive college is equivalent to a better "quality" or "more motivated" or "more wholesome" student body.</p>

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<p>Great post, nysmile. Lots of unexamined assumptions on the board about top schools.</p>