<p>I was hoping that some of the parents on here could offer words of wisdom on a problem I'm facing. </p>
<p>I love my best friend, I really do. And I do plan on keeping in touch with her after graduation. But I don't want her to go to the same college as me. I want some space...I'll never be able to grow and experience new things if she latches onto me. Things will just be the same as in high school.</p>
<p>But...I don't know how to break it to her. She isn't being too pushy about the idea yet, but she's been hinting that she would love it if we applied to some of the same places. She's really sensitive, and I don't know how to voice my disagreement without hurting her feelings. I know she'd be okay with it with we ended up going to different places, but I know that she'd feel really put-out if I told her that it's what I'd prefer. </p>
<p>We haven't discussed our lists yet, so she has no clue which schools I'm looking at. What I'm thinking of doing is only showing her a "revised" list of schools I'm applying to. Basically, on the list that I give her, I'd take off all of my top-choice schools that I'm seriously considering, then add a few token schools that I think she might like. Then, when decision time rolls around, I'll just tell her that I applied to my school of choice at the last minute and fell in love with it. </p>
<p>Is this a decent way to go about the situation? What would you guys suggest?</p>
<p>If you are really against telling her how you feel, I think your plan sounds good. Also, if you have better stats than her, apply to more difficult schools that she is unlikely to get accepted to so there's no ill feeling in the end.</p>
I'd think about the nature of this supposed "best friend" relationship. It really seems to be unhealthy to me. (Someone is way too needful and someone else has moved to resentful.) Once that is "solved" I think the "problem" will go away, too. JMO.</p>
<p>Dont necessarily agree with you on this one. I knew if I went to the same college as my childhood best friend (who I still consider my best friend), my grades would have not have been what they were. He knew me as a slacker and I intended to buckle down (and did) in college. Our college lists overlapped slightly, but we were looking for different things and went to different schools. Nothing wrong with trying for a fresh start and its harder to do that if you already have a certain rep.</p>
<p>The advice I would give to the OP would to be somewhat upfront with her friend and say something like: We should probably apply to colleges independently since we might hurt each others chances if we apply to the same schools. Lets see where we get in and go from there. Of course, well always be friends no matter where we wind up</p>
<p>I also want the OP to recognize that once you get to college -- even if the two of you wind up at the same place -- there are many many many new people and dozens of new activities. Your majors will probably be different. If you don't request being together (which you won't), you'll live in different dorms. In other words, your paths will diverge, and after a semester or so, maybe you'll just share rides back and forth.</p>
<p>Audio--I think that Cur is not saying that going to the same college will work out. i think he's saying that the relationship has become an unhealthy one; recognizing that will, one way or another, preclude the one friend from following the other (either the unhealthiness is recognized and the friendship cools, or the relationship becomes healthier and the friend recognizes the error of needing to follow the OP.)</p>
<p>Or heck, garland. I could have just blown it because of lack of sleep.;) I think audiophile and I just saw totally different angles in the OP's post. I don't disagree with anything in his post. I just don't think they speak to what was concerning me. </p>
<p>My kid was a "fresh starter" herself. She knocked schools off her list if anybody from her school was attending or applying. Friend or foe. (OT: It has worked, too. She has "reinvented" herself socially.)</p>
<p>I'd opt for full disclosure but in a kind way:
"This is an important decision for me, and my family and I are going to have many things to consider as we pick schools. We've got costs, distance, environment, prospective majors, work/study or research opportunities.... all of these factors. I'm sure your parents feel the same way. It wouldn't be fair for either of us to saddle each other with another families issues and preferences, given how complicated the decision is, and given how many unknowns there are going to be. So, how about we make our lists independently of each other given our own families and GC's inputs, and then if it turns out that we end up having some of the same schools to choose from next April, we can revisit the decision then??? My parents feel strongly that this is a process that needs to be a ver personal one and I'm sure your parents feel the same way. Wherever we end up I'm sure we're going to be close regardless of the distance".</p>
<p>Then-- drop the subject. A little candor goes a long way some time. The chances that the two of you will end up at the same school (unless you two are highly anomolous best friends) are pretty remote.</p>
<p>Blossom, you're so kind! I'd be a lot more blunt. "I want to go far away from everything and everyone I already know. To me, college is all about new experiences." That's a version of It's not you; It's me.</p>
<p>(As usual) I'm with Curmudgeon and Garland on this one -- when you can't tell your "best friend" the truth about the choices in your life does that person really qualify as best friend? Hmmm. Beyond that are the issues of honesty and fairness to both individuals. Sure things could work our great if both attended the same school, but then again things might not and thereby doom the relationship. Fairness demands that both individuals make their own college choice, IMHO. Unfortunately that puts the burden on World Changer to find language that preserves the friendship while simultaneously insisting that her friend find her own path. Leaving one's top college choice off the list she shares is not the way to do that. How exactly does one explain to a friend that the school she will attend was somehow left off the list she showed that friend?</p>
<p>My D and her best friend talked for years about going to college together. When it came down to it, my D went 3000 miles away while her best friend went 75 miles away. It just was talk, and I don't think either really expected to go to college together. Girls can become very connected. I'm not sure I'd spend too much time worrying about it.</p>
<p>I know what he was saying. I think we all read between the lines based on our own experiences and perspective. He was thinking "A Separate Peace", I was thinking "Dazed & Confused" ;)</p>
<p>I went to the same college as my high school best friend. Admittedly I took a year off and she didn't, but I was still kind of astounded how little we saw of each other. Our dorms weren't that far from each other. We're still friends, but we did go our separate ways.</p>
<p>Edit: Just wanted to add, you can't prevent your friend from going to the same college as you, if that happens, do be sure to tell her you'd like to meet new kids and don't want to room together.</p>
<p>What I hear your friend asking for , is reassurance that your friendship will keep going, and also for reassurance that she can make it in college.</p>
<p>I would share with her the criteria that you are using to find your schools- and help her develop her own criteria.</p>
<p>I also wouldn't worry if she actually does end up at same school, because it is unlikely that you would see much of her anyway. But I agree that rooming together would be a bad idea- so maybe put it on your parents lap and make it clear they won't pay for you to room with anyone you already know.</p>
<p>While I completely agree that "best friend" and the idea of not being able to say what is in your heart are incongruent, the implementation of the facts, especially when so many big changes are coming on the horizon (grad/college selection/leaving home) may be too difficult to add to the pile.</p>
<p>My suggestion (one that has worked VERY well in a variety of situations) is to use questions instead of comments:
Do you feel we are best friends and will be for ever no matter what?
(friend: yes of course)
Do you trust the friendship?
(yes!)
If I were not in the picture, where would YOU want to go to school?
(friend: xyz U, abc college, gettin' a degree U)
Well, I love you and I want you to have the college experience that is right for you. I'm not sure if I will be happy at those schools and I don't want you to compromise JUST LIKE I KNOW you wouldn't ask me to compromise my goals because that is what true friends do, support each other's goals, RIGHT? Besides, won't it be fun having access to two schools? We can visit each other and make twice the new friends, don't you think that would be great?</p>
<p>Try to make NOT going to the same school look attractive but do it with questions.</p>
<p>If all else fails, be kind but direct - dishonesty(like pretending that you added your top choices at the last minute) is never a good policy, especially in friendship and part of growing up is taking responsibility for your own feelings (meaning, she is accountable for her own, she choses her reaction and it is not healthy for you to be held hostage to her emotional blackmail).</p>
<p>If she is a true friend, even if you go through a very unhappy situation and spend time apart, you will come out friends in the end, forever.</p>
<p>Next time the conversation comes up, I think I'll start off by saying something along the lines of, "College is a personal choice, and applications are expensive. I want you to be happy, so don't change just for me." But...I still might with-hold some of my favorites from her. I don't know. I'm just nervous, because I know that we're really similar, and that she might end up liking the same schools anyway. </p>
<p>And I appreciate the friendship concerns, but it's not so much a problem in our friendship...it's more that we're after different things. She really wants to stay close to all of her friends and keep a really strong connection. I want to keep in touch with my friends to an extent, but I also really want to put high school behind me and move on. I know that if we end up going to different places, she'll be fine with it, but I also know that if I actually tell her, she'll end up feeling hurt. And I really want to avoid that.</p>
<p>
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I still might with-hold some of my favorites from her....I know that if we end up going to different places, she'll be fine with it, but I also know that if I actually tell her, she'll end up feeling hurt. And I really want to avoid that.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to a friend. You have gotten many responses that explain how to go about being honest in a very kind and gentle way. If you are telling us on this board that you don't want to go to the same college, changes are you have or will mention it to one other person. And thing how hurt your friend will be when she hears something about it other than from you. It is bound to happen. If you show her a list that does not include your top choices, and get accepted to them, she is going to be hurt no matter what you try to tell her about applying last minute. She is going to see through that. So if you are a friend, you need to discuss your feelings now. Or you are not the friend she thinks you are. Talking things like this out rather than withholding the truth is how we become adults...</p>
<p>If you think it would be hurtful for your friend to know how you really feel, don't tell her. I like your idea of leaving out some of your top choice schools when you show her the list. If/when you get your acceptances to these, tell her your parent's wanted you to apply to them at the last minute. I think this way is being kinder than implying to her that if you both go to the same school she's going to be an albatros. How else would someone "take it" if they were told that you basically wanted to make a fresh start and they would be getting in the way of that. If honesty if going to be hurtful to someone and a little white lie isn't, I'd go for the little white lie.</p>
<p>My daughter and her group of friends (7 of them) decided not to tell each other where they were applying and also avoided discussing colleges when they were together. Well, three of them are going to Georgetown and 2 of them are going to be around the DC area. My daughter is very thankful that she is going to be very far away.</p>
<p>When you lie to your friend and tell her that you applied to Elite U "at the last minute", and that you conveniently forgot or neglected to tell her that, your friend will see through the lies. </p>
<p>She will realize that you are not such a good friend. She will realize that you do not respect her enough, that you do not think highly enough of her, to share with her the truth about your relationship.</p>
<p>My advice is to be honest. You pick your schools, she picks hers. If there is an overlap, make your own choice. You cannot prevent her from going to the same school as you, nor should you try to. You can only tell her your terms for your own college experience. Wherever you go, you will be starting new friendships (while still maintaining old).</p>