<p>I dont know if she says that because of my Ss accident and the response we get from it, or it is just she being one of the youngest in her class, but she is unhappy, she wants to transfer somewhere else and I dont know what to do.</p>
<p>Is she a freshman? This may just be the difficulties of adjusting to a new situation. (Advice may differ if she's an upperclassman.)</p>
<p>When my D was a freshman at a college 2,000 miles away, she was miserable and wanted to transfer asap. We told her that was no problem- she could transfer- but she had to remember that we could only pay for 4 years of college and it was her responsibility to make sure she could graduate in that time. She stepped up and submitted applications to transfer for her sophomore year. We did absolutely nothing except to tell her how proud we were that she was handling everything so well and so maturely. :) (We had to keep telling her that ALL year when she'd call home to complain! That really tested our parenting calm composure.)</p>
<p>She's now a junior at the new school and things are great. She benefitted so much from that experience; I'm convinced she really needed to go through that to see that she could fix her own problems.</p>
<p>Most have been in school for 4-6 weeks now. I think I would be able to have an informed opinion by then. I would respect such from D. I would ask the open ended questions. What is it that does not seem to fit? What does she wish she had known before going there? Can that be changed? What would she look for and what would be her expectation of a transfer? How does she plan to accomplish that? Sometimes talking it through resolves the issue. Sometimes it leads to a transfer. If everyone got it right the first time, there would be no transfers :)</p>
<p>However, I helped through the application process once. And that was enough. I would let her take the initiative.</p>
<p>Try to stay unemotional if you can. It's difficult, it hurts when they are hurting and after the past year of seeking a new place, you hate to hear it might not be right. </p>
<p>Your D may be in totally the wrong place or she may simply need time to adjust and she made need to vent to you along the way.</p>
<p>I find it is helpful to break it down to real choices:
Does she still have time to withdraw and get a refund?
If so, is that a choice that should be made.
If not, should she stay in a do her best in classes & all so she can apply to transfer?
Or is it sooo horrid she needs to withdraw.</p>
<p>Empowering your student with the possible option of future transfer, but pointing out that she'd better do a strong job to have strong options whether she stays or goes allows her to imagine both choices and delay the final decision until she knows more about it all.</p>
<p>G'luck</p>
<p>Is transferring after one semester even an option for her? The state schools here will only accept a student if they have 24 college credits. They can apply now but not actually start before next August. Daughter knows 2 kids applying for spring transfer to small private colleges now. And one girl went home last week. </p>
<p>How young is your daughter?</p>
<p>I know it took me a month to be "happy" and I am a fairly outgoing person. After that I loved it. If you get the sense that a bit more time may be the answer then ask her to wait it out. If she is borderline in crises then I would guess it was time to make a new choice. Make sure she knows the ramifications of leaving at this point so that her decision is informed.</p>
<p>
Listen with your intellect as well as your heart when you listen to her answer those questions. Roomies, profs, classes - all of those can be transient and not at all a good reason to transfer or they can be symptomatic of a larger problem - in over her head academically or the converse, student body that is just waay off for her liking, program that just won't meet her realized needs or goals. Use all of your skills to get down to the root of the problem before you support the decision to transfer.</p>
<p>Now if she's wanting to leave now - well, every parent is different but at my house that would take a police report or something similar. ;)</p>
<p>I know a mother with a son who was unhappy at a small private college in the south. They let him transfer to a big school in a city in the north. He stayed at his old school for his freshman year, and after a month into the second semester he told his parents that he could "stick it out". He began to make friends. It was hard for him to find friends during his first semester. He ran into too many very wealthy preppy kids from private prep schools. He is a middle class student from a public hs in the northeast. His parents told him that they did not want him "to settle" on his college, and they wanted him to be very happy. He transferred, and so far so good.</p>
<p>Parents weekend is in a couple of weeks - are you planning or would you be able to go? Even if you could just go for the weekend (Sat/Sun). Don't go with the intention of attending any of the talks the school has planned or on any of the outside trips they offer. You have probably heard and seen it all before. Go to just spend time with your D, talking to her, but more importantly, listening to her. If I can look my children in the face, eye to eye, I can tell in a second what is going on and I bet you could too! The school is hard and it seems like it is "crunch time". The first big exams are being taken, papers are due, the workload is intense - it all can be very stressful to a new freshman.</p>
<p>I don't know if this will help, but I too was pretty unhappy at school after my first semester. It just took me a little longer than I expected to really find my group of friends. I considered transferring, but realized that this was a problem that could not be solved by leaving and going somewhere else - it was a "me problem," not a "school problem."</p>
<p>I think that you should listen to your daughter, and support her in whatever she chooses to do. But I would advise her to really consider if it's a problem that transferring will solve. Sometimes it is (They don't have the major I want, I hate being in the city, etc.) and sometimes not (I am not ready for college, I haven't found the right group of friends yet, etc.).</p>
<p>Anyway, now I'm a senior and I love my school!</p>
<p>jenskate - What changed for you? Did you do anything differently your 2nd semester? Did you make new friends through classes, clubs, etc.? What made you decide not to transfer?</p>
<p>What changed for me is that I got to know people better, mostly.
I had gone to school with the same group of kids, pretty much, for the past 10 years - and I didn't know how to make friends! I was the only person from my high school at my college, far from home, and living away from home for the first time. I liked people at college, but obviously didn't have the intimacy and shared history that comes with knowing someone for 10 years - it was just a matter of giving myself more time.</p>
<p>Realizing that this would be the case at most any college convinced me not to leave.</p>
<p>EDIT: I also think that I am just slower to make close friends than other people. I had a similar problem while I was abroad - and while I did make some friends (including meeting my boyfriend who I am still dating - he was an american abroad as well), I had more trouble than some other exchange students. I think it's just part of my personality. It takes time.</p>
<p>jenskate, your posts match my feelings on the subject perfectly.</p>
<p>Jenskate1, thanks for sharing with your thoughtful posting! It could be important to many readers to consider this viewpoint.</p>
<p>Along those lines, I'll share this observation as a parent. When eldest S went to college, he left from a small town where students had lived their entire lives, knew each other and each others' families, had always been encouraged as the brighter lights within the rural school, etc. They went off to all kinds of schools, from private colleges to state universities (we have many smaller decentralized campuses in NY State, hence the plural). Some of the best students had the hardest times adjusting, because they weren't used to being unknown in their environment. </p>
<p>By contrast, our S had it easy, since we're a family who's had to move from place to place throughout his lifetime for Dad's work. He was accustomed to our whole family packing, moving, striking down the house, setting up again, trying to make all new friends and acquaintances. Our family never was considered an insider part of the community. He had to change schools, towns and even countries numerous times. So, even though he's a bit clunky making new friends, he's used to doing it and it's just something he "has to do" much like unpacking the boxes after each move.</p>
<p>Someone who I thought would thrive (a bright light who went off to Johns Hopkins...) transferred from there after a year. The reasons included things like, "the professors wouldn't pay attention to me." Listening to her mom, and realizing the mom's social and professional standing in the home town, the way the family had grown accustomed to picking up the phone and having things changed around simply because of who the ARE in the town...was quite a contrast from being an anonymous freshman. THe girl transferred to a much less interesting place academically, but where she had a few friends from the old h.s. attending college in the same city (Boston). </p>
<p>If you follow my thinking here, I would say (without knowing the entire situation, obviously) that the family made a mistake by supporting her transfer. Perhaps she'd have grown had she only stayed in place. If they had the vision, they could have told her that she needs time to make herself known. Instead, they let their need to be "big fish in small ponds" color their thinking to sympathize (unduly, I felt) with the freshman blues in her daughter. It might have benefited the D to learn to bust out of that comfort zone thing. </p>
<p>Sigh, it's so easy to sympathize with our kids when they're feeling badly. I hope soon you'll know more about why she feels this way.</p>
<p>I guess I'm suggesting that even the parents have to keep their vision wide and stay dispassionate, while listening to the D. Parents have feelings and agendas as well. This is a time to tap into your widest vision on behalf of your D, even challenge her beyond what you think you could handle yourselves. </p>
<p>Sometimes when I talk with kids, and more importantly listen to them, I ask some questions about "what do you feel about X?" and others that start "What do you think about X?" At times, those questions elicit quite different answers, and that's illuminating to us both.</p>
<p>My D was very much in love with the college for what they sold it and she expected more from it. She is unhappy for many reasons:
1- She didn’t get the dorm she would like to be in it (it’s a substance free dorm that no one requested and it was either that or a forced triple in an old dorm).<br>
2- Her roommate is a quiet, not very social kid.
3- She had to deal with taking her brother to the hospital when he was badly injured, talk to the doctors and trying to get the medicines that didn’t give them to her because of her age, and no one from the university help her.
4- Since she was always a very active child involved in music, students organizations, sports and also worked as tutor, she feels that she has too much free time doing nothing because she didn’t make it in any of the a-capella groups she auditioned, nor the dance ones or the theatre groups. Theses groups accept very few students (no more than 20 each in a more then 7000 student body).
5- She tried two intramural sports, she didn’t make it either.
6- She ran for a student organization group. But she didn’t have enough votes.
7- She did make it into a business frat, but since the rush is over there is no too much going on until spring.
8- She likes her classes and she does very well in them.
9- She likes the professors
10- She likes the campus
11- She doesn’t like the city; she misses a lot NYC.
12- She says the food on campus make her sick; she is not used to have fast food everyday and she doesn’t have time at lunch time to sit and eat and at night, she usually eats alone because of her schedule.
13- She says she can’t sleep at night or it is either too noisy or she is cold.</p>
<p>I don’t know if her complains won’t be her complains in other school, maybe she just need time to adjust or maybe the lack of response from the university when her brother was injured on campus, just turned her off.</p>
<p>let her transfer but let her also do all the work to do so. if it costs you more money let her take out loans.</p>
<p>Remind her that for all these things (except the college's lack of response to her brother's situation - which, with any luck, will never recur!) can happen at any college she transfers to. Transfers don't get the best rooms - those go to the kids with low lottery numbers. She may not get into the performing groups she wants. Intramural teams may already be set for her class, with new spots reserved for freshmen. Campus food always stinks, and eating on the run is the norm. And she may not like her classes, professors or academics as much at a new school - there's no way to tell.</p>
<p>Are there no non-audition activities she can participate in? Most schools have a number of performing groups, some of which are open to all - there may be a select chorus, but also an open one, for example. Or does she feel that she's "better than that"? Is she used to getting into audition groups at home, even getting the lead or solos? If so, no wonder she's unhappy! But sometimes you just have to shake it off and find something else to do. Is there a community service organization that she can join, that is active? Can she work on crew for the performance groups? There must certainly be some other activities she can try that "take all comers."</p>
<p>Also remember that she may be exaggerating a bit for your benefit (not purposefully, but nevertheless). I remember when my d started a new grade school, and complained that she always ate lunch alone and had no one to play with at recess. I asked the teacher about it, and she was astounded - "D's always in the middle of a group, and sometimes doesn't have time to finish her lunch because she's always talking!" It was just my d's way of telling me that she hadn't made good friends yet.</p>
<p>This same D is now in a dorm she hates, that she didn't choose - the "quiet study" floor. Many of the students are foreign and speak to each other in their native language. No floor cohesion. So she's figured out how to make friends on the other floors and in the other dorms, and that's where she hangs out.</p>
<p>Cressmom, I think your d has some valid issues. </p>
<p>As an aside, because of what happened to your son last month and the abysmal response you got from the university, I would write that university right off the list for my own kids to attend.</p>
<p>Always easier to know the specifics!</p>
<p>It sounds almost like traffic "gridlock." So many small disappointments, that together seem like too much. BUt perhaps if just one or two of them could improve, it might improve her entire outlook.</p>
<p>So I'll take a stab at suggestions for each one. Again, just to improve one or two things might make a difference to her (we can only hope):</p>
<p>
[quote]
1- dorm.
[/quote]
I believe she's on her second dorm now (having asked to be taken out of the old triple), so at least now it's not too old or too crowded (see point #2). Would she try Chedva's daughter's approach, just go to sit in the study or lounge or TV area of a different dorm. If anyone asks, say, "I like it here, your dorm is such a nice place.." and maybe that will sound friendly and start a conversation. No rule says she has to stay only in her dorm's gathering rooms. Try some others.</p>
<p>
[quote]
2- roommate is quiet, not very social.
[/quote]
It could be SO MUCH WORSE! A messy roommate, noisy, druggie, with live-in boyfriend...c'mon, you read CC so you know this. Perhaps this IS the friend she needs to cultivate. Can she ask to go along and do something that the roommate wants to do, even just a movie together, anything? Maybe roomie is shy.</p>
<p>
[quote]
3- brother to the hospital/university not helpful.
[/quote]
This was a sad story, indeed, but perhaps it's over now. If you forgive the university, maybe she will, too.
You're right, this is enough to put her off of enjoying everything else. Good for her to be such a loyal sister, but now time to move forward. Would the brother want her to continue to be mad, so much that she's not beginning her own career at the uni? Not likely. Just perhaps as a family, time to say, "Done and enough, let's move forward." She'll pick up on that spirit.</p>
<p>
[quote]
4- no luck at several performance auditions.
[/quote]
Good for her to have the courage to try out! These are hard with those numbers, especially for any freshman.
How many other freshmen made it in? Few I bet. What can she do to have the fun meanwhile, and get known for future audition opportunities? Chedva said it: CREW. Work backstage. It's plenty of fun and they need volunteers usually, just ask the director to help on: costume, prop, lighting, publicity, etc. If director has no idea, contact the staff or faculty of theater department and say you want to help, and can they connect you to the next show... </p>
<p>
[quote]
5- (Tried two intramural sports, she didnt make it either.)
[/quote]
In this area, I know nothing. I did wonder if she could instead get into something non-competitive she'd enjoy physically: yoga, swim for pleasure, learn swing dance for fun, etc. etc. Golf, tennis, squash, or other personal or couple sports, but just to learn how to do it, not to compete in it. </p>
<p>
[quote]
6- ran for student organization/not enough votes.
[/quote]
Again, what COURAGE! But isn't this hard as a freshman, not yet knowing anyone. Perhaps if she looks on the website simply for student activities, there are many things to do without being the leader right away.</p>
<p>
[quote]
7- business frat/not much going on until spring.
[/quote]
Okay, but can these people become social contacts to go out for ice cream in the meantime? Does she have their emails or phone up the one who was most friendly? I don't know how frats work, actually, but these people did like her enough they want her to join, so it's a start. Where do THEY eat dinner, since D mentioned she's alone then, can she find the people from this frat where they eat dinner?</p>
<p>
[quote]
8- likes classes/does very well.
[/quote]
This is HUGE. Wonderful. You read CC, you know it's not always such a good start. Are there interest groups from the departments, or events to attend starting from her academic curiosities and interests? Look at the department bulletin boards or internet lists of activities on campus sponsored by each department. Even offer to help the school staff, for example, to set up refreshments when a speaker is coming to town...as a volunteer.</p>
<p>
[quote]
9- likes the professors.
[/quote]
HUGE! She can glow. I don't know where to take this socially, but as someone else said, it might not be so somewhere else. Can she go to an office hour with a professor to discuss a book or idea? Ask a favorite professor for guidance on academic/events as described in 8 above?
Figure this will grow in the coming years, if she likes and respects the profs. My D found this very steadying, and when she took a second course with a "favorite prof" she really felt happy.</p>
<p>
[quote]
10- likes the campus.
[/quote]
HUGE. Celebrate that. Find favorite spots to sit outside, take walks. BUy a little digital camera and start taking pictures for fun.</p>
<p>
[quote]
11- doesnt like the city; misses NYC.
[/quote]
Who wouldn't? I never met a college student where I attended who liked anything better than NYC. Why even try?
In time, she might discover parts of St. Louis that appeal to her, but in general, she can't figure out how to enter or engage with it. Most NYC kids move back there after they graduate, too. I can't help on this one except to agree with her. I used to tell my NYC friends to stop already, we'd go to a nice museum in Baltimore and they'd say, "Well, it isn't the Met.." but I'd say, "so what, can't you just look at this painting right in front of you? it's great..."
It's a particularly New York thing I've seen many college students do: not to explore other cities ("they can't compare...") and pine for NYC. </p>
<p>
[quote]
12- food makes her sick; fast food everyday; no time at lunch time to sit; at night, usually eats alone because of schedule.
[/quote]
She's lonely and sad, so the bad food doesn't help at all. At least, can she choose from salads, yogurts, things that are there also? Usually they have cold food that is healthy, too.
Lunchtime sounds like it can't be helped (sounds like schedule issue) but
dinner..how can it be true with 7,000 students she's the only one in the cafeteria? Can she just sit down with anyone else sitting alone and say "Hi."
Maybe she expects she has to already know someone to sit with them, but not so in Autumn of freshman year! Does she know how to go up to another alone person eating, and ask to sit down,,,it;s really okay. </p>
<p>
[quote]
13- Cant sleep: too noisy or is cold.
[/quote]
EARPLUGS and a BLANKET.</p>
<p>I hope even a little piece of this helps break through the "gridlock."</p>