what's wrong with me?

College Life
1

<p>I really did try to be social when i came to college. i realized that i was being completely fake and that it wouldn't last, and i think there's some sort of deeper problem that i don't think i can overcome myself. i've always been a little obsessive compulsive, "unique", quiet, ADHDish...but i guess i was able to sort of hide it and i always had friends throughout school. i figured i'd just outgrow the shyness. i even took a public speaking class that i dreaded everyday to see if it helped me, so it's not like i havent made an effort to get over this problem. </p>

<p>when i came to college though i realized that it's not going to happen...there's just something different about the way i think or something that makes it really hard to be social. my mind just seems blank alot, and it's really hard for me to tell stories (kind of random, but i noticed this)...the way i think is just very choppy and it just makes me amazed at how other people can tell stories so fluently from memory...or recite movie lines...i just can't do it. i've also noticed that my facial expressions are kind of abnormal...like i'll see friends i havent seen in awhile, they'll look at me and smile and come over to talk, and they will start to act nervous like i don't want to talk to them. i can understand why, because ive gone into the mirror afterwards and done the same facial expressions that i remember doing during the conversation and my face doesnt look friendly at all. i thought i was trying to look friendly, but it just looks nervous and awkward...like fake smiles that someone does when they don't really want to talk to you.</p>

<p>when i first came to the dorm everyone was really friendly, invited me to hang out, etc, but after awhile i became very reclusive and antisocial. honestly, i find it kind of humorous when i look back at how must appear due to the way i act. i'm the weirdo of the hall...lol. i think people in my hall are starting to think im suicidal or depressed because i've withdrawn and become very quiet, but honestly im not suicidal or depressed at all, it's just the way i become when i stop putting on a front and trying to act social. </p>

<p>i'm even afraid to go to the family christmas parties because i find it hard to talk to relatives...people in general. i can't form study groups because i just can't study in a group, the only way i can study is to go into the library alone for hours because i day dream alot and can't focus. </p>

<p>i thought i was completely screwed when i went to my first college class because everyone in the class seemed so much smarter than me. when a TA asked a question, everyone seemed to be able to answer while i could barely keep track of what the TA was asking....i find it hard to take in information through just plain listening. the only real way i can learn is to have something in front of me that i can look over and over since i lose focus alot. the funny thing is, when it came to the combined scores of midterms and final exams, i had the highest combined score by far. so this leads me to believe that it's not that i'm just an idiot, but there's just something different about how i process information or take in information. one time the TA asked me how to START a problem, because i was one of the only people who got it 100% right on the test, but i had absolutely no idea. even though i obviouslty knew how to do the problem, i had no idea how to start it when the TA asked. my mind was just blank, and it seems like my brain goes blank alot.</p>

<p>im starting to think it's all related and causing me to withdraw from social situations...the blank mind, not having anything to say, and the other things are causing my social interactions to be very awkward....and i've come to the conclusion that it's not something that i can get over by myself, but i don't know where to get help or where to begin. i'd really rather not tell my parents because i think for the most part they know im quirky, but i've hidden the bigger problem from them pretty well and i don't think they would believe me. </p>

<p>i've done a very small amount of research, and it seems i have alot of symptoms of aspergers, adhd, obsessive compulsive disorder, high functioning autism, and social anxiety but none seem to truly fit me and i don't know what to do or how to get tested to see if i have any of these. i don't know if im being a hypochondriac for listing so many different disorders or what (i'm not saying i have them all, since alot have related symptoms, these are all just possibiltiies), but i know with 100% certainty SOMETHING is not right, i just dont know what it is exactly. </p>

<p>i'd much rather get this figured out by myself, preferrably at school without my parents finding out, but i don't exactly have alot of money...do schools have free services for these things at all?</p>

2

<p>Your college should have at least one mental health professional in the health center. As soon as you return to college, make an appointment! You don't have to suffer this kind of anguish alone. You need help - and the school will provide it. The cost should be covered under the fees you pay to the school.</p>

<p>By law, the health center cannot inform your parents of your treatment/therapy/evaluation unless you give explicit permission to release the information.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>It's true that your interactions at college will be kept confidential, but as a parent I would say that I'd REALLY want to know what you are going through. It's not like you have been arrested for drugs or theft, you may be ill! Your parents will not be disappointed. They will want to support you and I think you should accept that help. You aren't the first, nor the last, college student with personal and social adjustment problems.</p>

<p>Another thing to consider is that your parents may possibly have valuable information that could aid in your diagnosis. Heck, they have lived with you for 18 years! They know how you were as a child and teenager. My guess is that your admission will not surprise them and that they had their suspicions that something was amiss all along. It could be that the upheaval of going away to college just brought the problem out in the open.</p>

<p>Please tell them.</p>

4

<p>Just be yourself and act however it is comfortable for you, trust me, i had almost same problem.
If you get very high scores in your subjects its very good...</p>

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<p>it's not all about high scores though. if you're just there getting high scores and you're completely miserable you should try to do something about it.</p>

6

<p>that's the way with many highly accompolished asian overarchievers</p>

7

<p>There's a boy in a few of my classes who I know for a fact has Asperger's. Honestly, from what I've seen here, comparing you to him, I don't think that's your issue. Have you always been this way? Maybe you're depressed, but not like, sad. Or maybe you have an anxiety disorder. I agree that you should see a psychologist.</p>

<p>I hope you feel better.</p>

8

<p>I agree that you should get some help from professionals at your school and tell your parents about your problems. I would guess that one of your parents suffers from the same problem. In the mean time when you go to a social event try to focus on the other person you are talking to. Ask lots of questions, people love to talk about themselves and love people who are willing to truly listen.You can even prepare questions ahead of time if that helps.Things like how did you meet your boyfriend? Tell me about your home town. What are your parents like? This also opens a window for you to share back.</p>

9

<p>You may have a social learning disability that is on the autistic spectrum but is not full blown Asperger's--it may be a mild version or "shadow" of this syndrome, which would mean you share some disabilities but not all--OCD symptoms and social anxiety often accompany these disabilities. Your awareness of your problems and ability to analyze them show that you are at the milder end of this spectrum. Understanding more about your processing of social cues and what your strengths and weaknesses are would help you to cope with your situation and find appropriate help. First see how far your college health center can help you. Carolyn posted some good links to Asperger's websites--check the search function here -also research Non-Verbal Learning Disorder = NLD.</p>

<p>here's one place to look:</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=152928&highlight=asperger%27s%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=152928&highlight=asperger%27s&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>and here: <a href="http://www.nldontheweb.org/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.nldontheweb.org/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>Desfannokia, please return to this thread to tell us how you are doing.</p>

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<p>Yeah. I find this really interesting because you are pretty much describing exactly what I go through. I'm not in college yet, but even though our issues sound a little different, I can identify a lot with what you're saying. I feel like I'm naturally anti-social, but it might be because social situations are so stressful for me. Everything feels really difficult and forced. I'm pretty good at hiding it, though, so I make a lot of friends in the short term. But I just don't have the energy to keep up with it, and eventually just become reclusive. Also as friendships progress I get more awkward, because I feel as if people don't like me or don't want to be around me. I understand the facial expressions thing - people have stopped mid-coversation and asked me if I didn't want to be talking to them, or if something was wrong...and I didn't even realize I was doing anything!</p>

<p>As for the stories, that is just a symptom of not getting out much, IMHO. Your mind will feel "blank" when people ask you things because you aren't in the habit of forming your thoughts into something articulate. I find the more I hang out with people, the easier it is to tell a good story or make people laugh. It's just too bad it's so uncomfortable for me to keep up the front that I would rather just be by myself.</p>

<p>I also have that issue with not focusing, instead daydreaming/wasting time. Study groups definitely help me, because I feel like I can't drift off into wherever because I "owe the group". It's painful, but don't knock it until you try it.</p>

<p>Anyway, I'm really interested to see how things are going with you, because it sounds so similar to what I'm feeling. I agree with posters to say to both talk to your parents and campus health professionals. I have a therapist, actually, but haven't told her any of this - she thinks I'm depressed. I'm wondering if maybe all of these things are symptoms of some kind of depression or anxiety. It could be that they just cause me to be depressed, though, haha. </p>

<p>Good luck :).</p>

12

<p>go see a doctor. get help from somebody who can actually help, not from some idiot including myself here on a internet forum.</p>

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<p>You do NOT have any sort of mental problems. No need to pay that clinic or doctor a visit, that would be overreacting and make you think that you have a problem. Want to know what it really is? It's your PERSONALITY. Although not common, a lot of people share this type of personality; in fact some of the posters on this thread could identify very closely with you-- and so can I. I always question if there was something wrong with myself too-- being not very social and very self-reserved. Just be yourself. This is not a NEGATIVE personality-- you are not immoral or irresponsible or such. Heck, you're better off than those people who are extremely social and end up alcoholic, pimp, or promiscuous. Those people wished they were like you-- as unique as you were, and as smart as you were. In fact people with your kind of personality are often very intelligent-- Rene Descartes, Henry James, Isaac Asimov, Nelson Mandela, Calvin Coolidge, and so many more. BE YOURSELF, and as for the facial expression issue-- THAT can be fixed. Simply smile more :)</p>

14

<p>It never hurts to talk to somebody, I guess.</p>

<p>If that were just my personality, it would suck so bad. I wasn't like this until highschool. As much as I hate being around people, I also hate the fact that I hate it...friendships and relationships are important to me, and I bet they're important to the OP, too. If being "yourself" is staying holed up in your room all day, not talking to anyone, wouldn't you want to change yourself? How will you ever get a date like that? ;). I think there's a difference between being naturally reserved and shy and reserved and shy to the point where you don't even have a group of friends that aren't complete rejects.</p>

15

<p>Sounds to me like you have SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder). Without going into too much detail, I was diagnosed with it over winter break after exhibiting many of the symptoms mentioned above for about 5 years. Just knowing that there was something legitimately "wrong" with me opened up a new chapter in my life. Depending on the severity of the disorder, you are prescribed medication and/or therapy sessions. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to work wonders, rewiring the way you think and perceive the world around you. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>The site above provides a 20 week therapy session through audio tapes and handouts. I just started last week and already I have seen a marked difference. I'm so glad too. I am finally starting to be able to engage with my friends in a more relaxed and open manner. Change takes time but I'm on my way. </p>

<p>Good luck. If you have any other questions...ask!</p>

16

<p>Sounds like you're shy, something that about 40% of Americans describe themselves as being. Shyness does respond well to counseling, and I'm sure that your campus mental health center has helped lots of shy students. I am sure about this because I've worked at a university counseling center.</p>

<p>Also check out the shyness.com site for useful info.</p>

<p>I also speak from the experience of formerly being a shy person -- who when I was in college probably would have described myself the way that you are describing yourself. It is possible to learn social skills that help one become much more comfortable talking with others. Part of becoming comfortable talking with others also is having things to talk about -- books that you read for fun; extracurriculars that you participate in, etc. </p>

<p>While many people are naturally gregarious, many others are like us and have to practice and learn those skills. I used to read every book and article that I could find about how to make small talk and how to make friends. I also used to scrutinize everything that I said and did, and I was my harshest critic. Believe it or not, most people who are talking to you are probably paying more attention to themselves than to whatever social blunders you may be making. </p>

<p>Anyway -- with practice -- I did become a good conversationalist. I cracked up recently when I was in a workshop and we were each asked to go up to a stranger and by just looking at them decide what they were like in high school. Before we did this with a stranger, we had to write down our answer about ourselves.</p>

<p>Anyway, the stranger told me that I probably was picked as "most likely to become a CEO." (This apparently was based on her noticing that before the workshop started, I was talking to all of the people around me). I actually had written down, "Most likely to be a wallflower" (I wasn't really voted that, but if there had been a vote on that, I definitely would have been a contender). That example shows you how much a person can change, and that there's definitely hope for you.</p>

<p>Also check CC's archives for other posts on students struggling with shyness. There is lots of good advice in many of those threads.</p>

17

<p>Desk - I feel your pain! Was not unlike you when I was your age. I'm in my 50's now and things are much better, though I still struggle socially (feeling I can't contribute intelligently to some conversations, etc.) I give you credit for expressing yourself here and for all the posters who replied back with kind words, thanks!</p>

<p>My friend's son also struggles with this. In your experience, do you think it's better for a child who has social issues to go for a large State U. or a small LAC, or (for that matter) something in between. I'm going to recommend the social anxiety website to them and also investigate it myself!</p>

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<p>This is a completely non-professional opinion but I think an LAC environment would be helpful to a student with social issues. Smaller dorms that create a community feeling make it easier to be a member of a group--even if you are quieter and a bit more on the sidelines. Smaller classes would make it easier to be known to professors and recognized as an individual instead of being lost in a crowd. On the other hand, I would look for an LAC large enough and diverse enough to have more than one or two dominant student types so that a person who is not an easily classifiable type would not feel too much of an anomaly. Women's colleges and those that used to be women's colleges (Goucher, Wheaton, Wells,) have, I think, preserved a sense of community and caring where loners may feel more accepted. This may also apply to those schools in the Quaker tradition (Earlham, for example). It's possible that others here know more about other environments that would be suitable--these are just based on my direct and indirect experience. I would seek out schools that are more "quirky" than "preppy" --in the shorthand that has developed on CC and elsewhere but not those that are only quirky in certain predictable ways because they are too small to offer more choices. I would avoid schools known for their strong fraternity-sorority culture.</p>