<p>My personal situation was what compelled me to apply to colleges in California, but I know that your institution is the right match for me because it better fits my academic passions than do the other colleges and even X University. </p>
<p>The very last line seems a bit off because it sounds weird without a "do" before X University. Is my current set up grammatically correct?</p>
<p>I'd change it to:
My personal situation was what compelled me to apply to colleges in California, but I know that your institution is the right match for me because it fits my academic passions better than the other colleges, including X University.</p>
<p>I'm no grammar wiz though. :P</p>
<p>The "was what" is awkward</p>
<p>My personal situation has compelled me to apply to colleges in California, but I know that your institution is the right match for me etc. </p>
<p>However, I am wondering why you'd mention your other applications. I don't think admissions really cares. I would focus on explaining exactly why this particular college matches your academic passions by using facts about their institution. Is it their program in Such and Such? Their internship opportunities? The chance to study with Professor So and So?</p>
<p>I'd say the issue would be lack of punctuation, making your paragraph merely an extremely long sentence. Even if you don't want to divide it into separate sentences (that might actually have a choppy effect as a whole), you could try adding commas to add a little more structure. </p>
<p>The phrasing "better... than do other...," while gramatically correct, may be the reason your paragraph seems awkward. And why use "better"? Why not "best"? You want the college to think they are THE one for you.</p>
<p>Also, you may consider rewording a few things, as well as changing the voice to a more active one.</p>
<p>For instance:</p>
<p>Though it was my personal situation that compelled me to apply to colleges in California, I know that your institution is the right match for me because it best fits my academic passions. For instance, studing at X allows me the opportunity of ...</p>
<p>And then you'd enter some specifics about the university you're sending this essay to, as Westchestermom stated.</p>