What's Your Role in Your Child's Search/Application Process?

Parents Forum
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<p>I’m not sure I even have a question today—but if I did, I guess it would be about the transition between being involved in my son’s college search and application process and letting/enabling him to take the ball and run with it. When do you keep you hands on and when do you take them off?</p>

<p>How involved are you in your child’s search and application process? What role do you plan? When do you lean in and when do you step back? What’s your role? What’s your child’s role?</p>

<p>I’ve carefully chosen schools that were the right fit for my son since he was in preschool—and now that he’s a senior applying to college, I’m trying to sort out how much involvement on my part is too much and how much is just right.</p>

<p>I’ve taken my son to visit schools, starting in his sophomore year. I’ve researched schools and options. I’ve researched financial aid, something our family needs, and talked to my son about what our family can contribute toward his education. I’ve nagged him to meet deadlines and cheered him on when he did. Sometimes I feel I’m striking the right balance; other times I feel I am too involved.</p>

<p>Yet is feels there is so much at stake. </p>

<p>I have a grown son who went to college 16 years ago. The process seemed so much simpler and less intense back then. Oldest son applied to three schools. Middle son is now applying to more than fifteen, largely because we need to be able to compare financial aid offers. When older son applied, you could be a bright kid and that would enough. There wasn't the intense packaging of 18 year olds that there seems to be today.</p>

<p>Sometimes the whole thing seems crazy and stressful and overwrought.</p>

<p>What do you think?</p>

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<p>I think a lot of it depends on the child. My oldest D knew what field she was interested in, and where she wanted to study (2 cities she picked out). I researched some for her and took her to visit. She did not need much else, we had a few discussions, but no nagging.</p>

<p>My senior S is only applying to 3 schools because his focus is narrow. He visited one; his first choice. I did a little research to help him come up with 2 other places to apply. He has a friend interested in the same area, so they discuss it. He does need some reminders to get moving - all he has to do is finish the essay and submit. He took his tests once (no subject tests) and is really not stressing at all about the process. We don’t see the intenseness around him, nor among kids at his school, that I read about here on CC. I would like to see those apps in though.</p>

<p>I am the one who looks at costs, scholarships, etc. and can advise him based on that information. My sophomore D I can see a lot more stress for - she will be the type to keep changing her mind. I am already taking her to see colleges when we are in the vicinity, so she can get a feel for size and locations.</p>

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<p>Fifteen schools? That seems excessive - and would drive anyone crazy trying to keep everything organized, etc. Not to mention the application fees! My D is currently college freshman, so we went through the process recently. </p>

<p>First, I made sure that the process was HERS, not mine. Explained to her that we would support her, but would not take over. If she didn’t get something in on time, it was her issue. We were more than willing to let her take a gap year or two if she felt that the process was too overwhelming. I did sit down with her (at her request) to create a spreadsheet to list options, deadlines, etc. Also, since she was a musical theatre major and had to travel for auditions - I made travel arrangements. As far as I know, she only failed to submit two scholarship applications - one proved unnecessary because she was not admitted to the college, the other was a local general scholarship which would have been nice, but not essential.</p>

<p>Second, just an observation, but almost all of her financial aid offers (merit and need) were in the same ballpark. All of them got the COA down to “around” our EFC. In the end, financial aid was not the determining factor for her. I think there was maybe a $2000 difference in total “out of pocket” cost between her final two choices. This may not always be the case - just ours.</p>

<p>Good luck with the process. Remember it will all be over in a few months!</p>

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<p>You’re probably just about right. Help him keep organized with deadlines, steer him towards info about schools, help coordinate school visits. You’re not writing his essays, though it’s perfectly okay to read them and give feedback if he wishes. Hopefully, you can have him cut down the number of applications–more than fifteen can be really stressful to manage, unless he really can use the same application and essays over and over. We found that with all the different supplemental essays, the work really adds up–and the application fees, too! Good luck, you will have a busy and fun six months!</p>

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<p>We’re a year away from our third child’s application process, and I’m looking forward to it. Here’s why: after going through this twice with varying degrees of involvement - S1 applied ED to the school he loved, loved, loved with no back-up plan, and got in. S2, a musician, applied to 9 schools, and we traveled the US auditioning, etc. This involved 8 different applications and supplements, CDs, music resumes, reccs etc. etc., so I was definitely a paper/music/travel arrangement organizer. It was awful, and the knowledge my kid was being judged in so many ways was horrific. We didn’t know if he’d be accepted anywhere. I was panicked that he would choose the music-without-any-substantial-“education”-school. He didn’t. It all came out fine, and he is with “His people.”</p>

<p>I KNOW S3 will be OK.</p>

<p>HE is interested in a specific area to study, which not many schools offer, and I’m helping him with a search, because I’m a computer geek. BUT all he’s getting from me is info without editorial. Some of these schools would be probably fairly easy for him to get into. Some would be fairly impossible. Some are tiny. Some are enormous. They are ALL over the country, and he doesn’t love to fly. </p>

<p>He went to his very first college rep visit at our HS and bought everything the college rep said, hook line & sinker, even though it doesn’t have his program. Says he might apply there. I know, hindsight being 20/20, the chances are slim that he will ultimately apply, after he sees more appropriate schools. But he loved the whole idea of college after that visit, and I’m not saying a word.</p>

<p>He’ll figure it out. We’re lucky enough that we can take him on a college tour in the spring. He will pick the colleges, without any help from us, and I’ll make the travel arrangements. This is HIS process, not OURS. He may very well end up at our state U and, though I know he could aim higher, it may be the perfect place for him, and he’ll get a good education. I have and will nag him about prepping for his standardized tests, and continuing to do his best at school. I’ll enjoy watching him play the sports he plays, because this 18 months is going to FLY. </p>

<p>I think we all have to have a little faith in our kids, help them navigate, and they WILL be ok. The worst thing we can do, in my opinion, is have othe relationship between ourselves and our kids, their senior year of HS, defined by the college application process.</p>

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<p>SJTH, I was very struck by what you said at the end of your post, “don’t let your relationship with them be defined by the college application process.” That’s a wake up call for me, because right now it’s 80% of what we talk about.</p>

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<p>You hit the nail right on the head. The process is over the top. M d is a senior and we just started looking at colleges this past summer. We had seen two local colleges last year. She will be applying to ten (the most her school allows).<br>
D was not interested in looking at colleges and refused to even discuss it until this past summer. I think because of the stress factor. She does realize cost is a big factor and says she can see herself at any the schools where she is applying. Note that I really picked these schools based on location, cost, possible merit aid/financial aid, majors.
It is now application time and, luckily, she has been on top of the deadlines. Her school imposes deadlines for EA, ED, RD, Rolling Adm. Today she is taking her second SAT, at my prodding. She thought her first one was okay and her ACT results were good. I know she can do better and had to remind her that higher scores will, hopefully, mean more merit aid. She hates to hear about the financial costs, but I keep reminding her that it is a big reality. It will mean work/study and/or loans, both will be her responsibility.
I’ve told her that it is now up to her to finish the appl/essays. I created a chart which shows deadlines, interview requirements, scholarship deadlines, etc. I am stepping back for awhile to let her complete the process but have told her that I’m here if she needs me.
One good thing, youngest d (a sophmore) has already started her own folder on colleges, based on me dragging her along to her sister’s tours. This is a big difference between them. Youngest is definitely more hands on/take charge of her own life - thank goodness!</p>

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<p>I agree - I think you’re doing about the right amount. Son chose (on his own) to apply to around 15 schools - we let him do it for a variety of reasons and I have zero regrets about that. </p>

<p>I felt the same way you do as we went through the process last year. We found it very stressful at times. I think a lot of it had to do with me (I felt the need to nag and cajole - you know, manage the process). He met all his deadlines on time and I only got to read 2 essays. I think he would have been fine without the nagging. It was all we talked about for months - which causes a lot more stress. I tried to back off as much as possible. Once everything was done (by Jan 1st) things got a lot more relaxed. You get a little breather until you reach the dreaded ‘summer before college’ phase where your graduated senior becomes so obnoxious you are practically begging them to leave for college :)</p>

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<p>At least it’s better than the periods when your relationship with them was defined by practice driving or toilet training (the two most appalling parts of parenting, in my opinion). ;)</p>

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<p>D was very motivated in her college search, and I helped by researching the schools she thought she might like … that is, I looked at the financial aspect. I helped her narrow her list to schools that likely would be affordable (meaning, she could reasonably expect enough merit aid that we could pay the bill). Because she was a HUGE procrastinator back in the day, I helped her stick to deadlines. </p>

<p>S was completely useless when it came to his college search. He wanted a particular program not offered at many schools, so I researched schools that offered it. Although I tried to steer him to the handful of schools that offered the program AND significant merit money, he applied to only one that I knew would offer enough merit aid. In the end, he had some great acceptances - and only one that was reasonably affordable even after the merit offers. Yup, that one school is where he is today!</p>

<p>Now, S has decided that he wants to study another field. The new field is one offered at many schools, but not his current school. The cool thing is, he is a year older & amazingly more mature about many things. He has decided to transfer & he is handling the search on his own. He even visited a school last week - this one is a great choice, as it is our state flagship & offers many great majors (in case the new idea changes!).</p>

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<p>To begin with, I do not think you should pay attention to those who question whether your son is applying to too many colleges. We all have different circumstances which might require ours sons/daughters to apply to more or fewer colleges. For our daughter, for example, our issues are financial aid, a viola Arts Supplement, and the desire to apply to some very, very selective schools. As a result, our daughter may very well apply to more than 15 colleges and I think that it is very reasonable, in our situation, to do so.</p>

<p>I really don’t understand the completely hands off approach that some parents seem to take when it comes to college selection. While kids will, typically, be considered adults when they actually attend college, they are making the decision as to which college they should attend when they are 16 or 17 years old and with little or no experience as to what it will be like to attend a particular college or type of college. I have attended 6 colleges (community college, small private college, major California universities) and it does not make sense to me that I should not be using my experiences to help inform and perhaps help guide my daughter during this extremely important decision. After all, if I were going to buy her a car I would not just hand her $20,000 or $30,000, let her go car shopping by herself and hope that she makes a good decision. </p>

<p>My daughter is currently a high school junior and it appears that I am more involved in the college search then those that have already posted. Generally speaking, I think that students usually, if left to themselves, wait too long before starting to think about college and their choices. So, last year I started discussing college with my daughter and encouraged her to think about what she would be looking for in a college. I then researched and discussed various California (we live in Southern California) colleges with her and based on her preferences we visited 6 California colleges during the Thanksgiving holiday. We have also visited a number of local colleges. When she expressed an interest in perhaps attending college on the east coast, I did a lot of research and after discussing it with her we went on a vacation on the east coast this past August during which we visited 19 east coast colleges.</p>

<p>I like to research things, especially when I am making a significant purchase, and I very much enjoy reading about different colleges. So, I have done most, but not all, of the research on various colleges. My daughter appreciates, at least that is what she tells me, this effort and the information I share with her. While at times I wonder if I am overly involved in the process, I do believe that it is both right and necessary for me to be involved because we have very limited financial resources. While it is my daughter who will actually attend college, it is my responsibility to figure out how we are going to pay for it. As with every purchase I make, I want to do whatever is necessary to ensure that my money is well spent. </p>

<p>While I am very involved with the collection of information, I have made it very clear to my daughter that it is her life, that she gets to decide where she will attend college, and that she should not be worried about whether I will approve of her eventual decision. But, I trust my daughter’s judgment and have no doubt that she will make an informed decision that will be right for her. I know that this decision will likely not be the decision I would make, but all I care about is that it be a thoughtful, informed decision. We are actually enjoying the process, so far, but do try to make sure it is not the only thing we talk about. While I am sure that the search for the “right” college is/will be stressful, I think that the stress level can be reduced by thoughtful planning and research so that when a decision is finally made you and your son/daughter can feel comfortable knowing that he/she has done his/her best (with your assistance) to make the “right” decision.</p>

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<p>CountMonteCristo, Our situation echoes yours in many ways in terms of why son2 is applying to so many schools. Thanks for sharing your story. My job, as I see it, is to try to ensure that my son has some viable choices come spring–and if he gets into one of his dream schools, it will be easy, but if he doesn’t get into the uber-selective ones, he will still have some options he can live with. It’s easy for him to pick out the name brand schools to apply to–not so easy to find less well known options.</p>

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<p>For us the app/admission process doesn’t feel crazy and stressful, but I work at a an LAC with college freshman. I’ve seen who gets in. I know my dd1 will land somewhere and probably be perfectly content. So, what have I done:</p>

<p>Asked what field she was interested in. It’s fairly specific and not something offered by very many schools. So, 1. I helped her sort out which schools offered it and 2. I found out which of those schools was in the same tuition exchange group as my employer. We ended up with a list of 6 or 7 schools in the midwest. She nixed all but 3 because they were “too far”. She wanted to be able to come home for a weekend once in a while. I thought it might be a mistake, but I shut up and let that one go. </p>

<p>Drove to college visits. And yes, forced her to pick dates for those at least two weeks in advance (the HORROR!) so schools could set up visits. Talked in the car about questions she might want to ask, things she might want to look for.</p>

<p>Pushed her to get apps done in September (all schools were rolling admissions) so I could apply for exchange early. It’s a crap shoot. Seems no 2 schools award it the same way and some are first come, first served.</p>

<p>We’ve got 2 acceptances down. Still haven’t sent transcipts or test scores to the 3rd, but that won’t take long. Now we just wait.</p>

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<p>I agree.
At the beginning of junior year, I gave my twins a list of, oh, I’m guessing about 25 schools that we thought based on what we knew about them would be schools that would be up their alley. Just as a starting point. And they got to investigate online, from guides, etc. They were, of course, free to add or drop to that list (and a few that I thought would have been good choices never really clicked with them). We wound up visiting about 16 schools – planned 2 more, but it got too much and we bagged the last 2. D is applying to 7 and S to 9. S’s list in particular is pretty reachy so I’m fine with that number of applications. Here goes!</p>

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<p>Totally agree with this. I’ve saw a fierce debate last fall on CC that I swear went on for days and many dozen pages. As I said, my son applied to around 15 schools and I have no regrets about it. It was something he needed to do. Not one minute was ‘wasted’ nor do we feel like it was wasted money. Things could not have turned out better. Every kid and family is different - my advice to parents just starting the process is do what feels right to you and your child and don’t be concerned about what other parents are saying or other kids are doing. Only you know how much involvement and support your child needs. Unless you are actually filling out applications and writing essays - it’s not a problem</p>

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<p>In our case it was a matter of how much our son let us be involved. He chose what advice to take. Did not apply to schools we suggested, let us see his applications, including essays. Can’t be a helicopter parent if the child ignores you. A strong willed, independent product of two equally…</p>

<p>Hopefully you have been gradually letting your son take more and more ownership of his life. 15 colleges seems excessive. Too many apps and time spent. Sounds too indecisive.</p>

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<p>as we were hoping for good merit aid…my role was to take his “wants” and requirements and see if a school would work merit-aid wise… ie where his stats placed him, whether the school even offered merit aid, what was the average amount awarded to realistically let him know if the schools he liked could remain on list or not.</p>

<p>and my son applied to 14 schools… maybe could have got by with less, but some had very selective merit aid, so widened the net</p>

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<p>For both my kids 8 or 9 colleges was about the right number to apply to, but I fully understand the reasons why more may be advisable.</p>

<p>For both kids I jump-started the search by picking a few colleges to visit junior year. I also provided a large list of possible colleges based on what they told me they wanted which they then culled according to their own criteria. They were in charge of coming up with topics for essays, I proofread them and gave them comments, but the essays were definitely theirs.</p>

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<p>I am both her guidance counselor and her mom so I have done quite a bit but not everything by a long shot. I started the ball rolling last year with a combined vacation and college visiting trip. At that point, she had several different careers in mind. She has since decided on one career. Unfortunately for selecting colleges, she does not have to have a particular major for the career. So that rules nothing out. I did strongly advise her to not apply to one particular college that was offering easy, free application since it is primarily an engineering school and that is not what she will be studying. It was also in area that she didn’t like when she visited for a completely different reason.</p>

<p>She makes final decision, I advise about finances and chances. I locate colleges she may be interested in and she locates some too. I also make her apply to ones she liked but is now wavering on but with no good reason. I figure she may waver some more between now and May.</p>

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<p>It was easy here. Both kids only applied to state u’s with simple online apps. No essays to agonize over. S1 was a very strong candidate for all his schools.
I researched online to find out which state u’s were S2’s best option. We took each kid on one college visit (their choice. We would have done more if they wanted to). I made the arrangements for the visits.
S1 applied for a few scholarships on his own. Our school does not send the transcripts for the kids. Kids/parent are responsible for getting it from the h.s. and sending them to the schools. Kids brought them home. I mailed them off to the colleges. That was about it.</p>