<p>Have any of you disagreed with your spouse on certain colleges that your children are planning on applying to? How did you resolve the issue?</p>
<p>Absolutely. So we visited all the schools DH, D1 and I wanted to visit. We each had a list with some overlap. Then we had D1 make her final list. And thenDH and I selected three schools as parent’s choice that were not on her list. She applied to her list and parent’s choice and when the results came in, we let the final decsion be hers. She ended up choosing a parent’s choice school, a school that she really didn’t consider seriously on the first round of visits. </p>
<p>She attended quite a few accepted student days and at the end of the process, the school she initially didn’t consider was the clear winner. I recommend that the student attend accepted student days. Although it is a dog and pony show it really gives the student an idea on whether or not they could really see themselves attending the school. A couple of my D’s top picks fell off the list quickly after attending the accepted student day. They get a chance to see and meet some of their potential class mates, they get a chance to speak to professors, and see the school in action.</p>
<p>Thank-you, momofboston. As of now, my dh does not want our son to apply to a particular school because he does not like the location and environment at all. I would have said the exact same thing before doing more research but I now feel comfortable that my son would be ok there. I’ve told my dh to talk with my son about how he feels. We definitely disagree on this one but I respect my dh’s opinion so I’m leaving it up the them to “duke it out”!</p>
<p>What are the schools at issue? It is easy to overthink “where to apply.” If you are applying to selective schools it is a lottery anyway, apply everywhere and then worry about choosing when you know where you were admitted! If you are not talking very selective schools, the strategy may be different but I still don’t see the harm in applying wherever the kid wants and seeing how it all plays out. Finally isn’t it the prospective student’s views that should matter most, not eithr of the parents? I don’t think I would have chosen as my son did, but as he keeps telling me, I am not him…</p>
<p>It is super selective so I agree that the point is probably moot since admit chances are slim to none, but there is the cost of the application fee to consider. We’re not poor but it’s a very big stretch to come up with application fees. </p>
<p>My dh feels the area and school are way too liberal. (We are conservative Christians but all the schools on my son’s list except Baylor are secular and I and ds are fine with that). I think there are strong Christian groups on campus and that my son would be able to find fellowship and support there but dh does not.</p>
<p>H didn’t like one of the schools S applied to, but realized that ultimately it was up to S. We made sure we visited a lot of schools and he eventually applied to 6. (I really think S would have only applied to one if it had been up to him.) Strangely enough, when it came down to April, S choose a different school than we expected. Agree with momofboston on attending accepted student events, also go for an overnight if possible. S had 3 overnights and I think that ultimately sealed the deal for him.</p>
<p>What does your son think? And how would your husband feel if this superselective school was the only one on its “level” that accepted him? It is easy to spend other peoples’ money but having seen the stress and time waste of “Yale vs Harvard” handwringing by those who end up being admitted to neither, my vote continues to be to apply to the school if your son wants and then do much more in depth research into issues that concern your husband (including for example speaking with students from relevant student groups, etc.) if and when your son is admitted.</p>
<p>There really isn’t a decision to make until the acceptances roll in…and these days, you just never know.</p>
<p>Aniger,</p>
<p>You make a great point with the “what if” scenario. Further, this school is known for it’s tremendous aid and that’s very important to dh. Dh and ds haven’t had the conversation yet. It might be on the backburner for the moment as my son came home from work only to have the transmission on his car go out (again). Ugh. It’s always something.</p>
<p>I agree, mom. I will bring this up with dh.</p>
<p>And what started the conversation was the fact that ds and I wanted to drive 8 hours to visit the school this fall. I have friends near the school so the cost for the trip would have been just the gas, but now, in light of the current car woes, I think we won’t be going anyways. So, maybe I’ll just encourage dh to let ds apply and then worry about everything later.</p>
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That would be my vote. The application fee is probably less than the cost of 16 hours worth of gas anyway.</p>
<p>I think it is great to keep options open. My older son attends a university that I would never have picked for him. My husband put it on the list and I was not happy. But we agreed to be open-minded and son liked it enough to visit and apply. Long story short - he was not accepted at his top choice school but this university that DH suggested not only accepted him but also gave him an amazing FA package. Son is very happy there - will be a junior this fall. And I realized that my preconceived notions about this university were either completely wrong or not that important. So - DH now has one example for perpetuity of a time when he was right and I was wrong!</p>
<p>sbj, I sent you a message.</p>
<p>I just want to add to this discussion, which I think is an important one, that at some point we parents have to trust that we have done a great job in raising our kids, and they will be up to the challenge of creating for themselves a college environment that will be a good fit for them academically, socially, and spiritually. Most universities have enough diversity in the student body that students can find a community of like-minded people to support them in their life choices. Your son sounds like a very mature young man with strong morals and a good sense of himself. If a school looks like a good fit academically and financially he shouldn’t rule it out because of location unless there are real safety or logistics concerns.</p>
<p>sbj, I’m agreeing with MarinMom. And the notion of trying to preserve a young person’s faith by shielding him from other ideas and from diverse people is not only educationally unsound - it’s a profoundly bad idea in a rapidly shrinking world. I’ve noticed in other threads the schools in which your son is interested. If he’s at a level to be considering those places, he needs to be as engaged as possible with as diverse a range of people and ideas as possible.</p>
<p>Gadad and MarinMom,</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice and I agree with you.</p>
<p>Gadad, I don’t think it’s a matter of preserving our son’s faith and shielding him from other ideas from diverse people. He has lots of experience in that realm. He’s been on liberal college campuses for many years. I work for a gay couple. His friend from church (one of the pastor’s sons, no less) is quite fond of Marxist theory. His eyes are pretty open to diversity in thought and behavior. Listen, I became a Christian on a secular campus, one that was a party school.</p>
<p>I think my husband has a legitimate concern of an environment that can wear down the soul and take away from what otherwise could be a fantastic learning experience. I think being that we both came from pretty crummy backgrounds and made lots of mistakes during our younger years (he didn’t go to college but we both have plenty of “yuck” years), we would love for our children to learn from our mistakes and avoid profoundly difficult situations if possible (and maybe it’s not possible).</p>
<p>If you’ve never read Kevin Roose’s <em>The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner at America’s Holiest University</em>, I’d recommend it. He was a student studying at Brown and spent a semester (year? can’t remember) at Liberty University. What he found surprised him. He was way out of his comfort zone but he made friends and learned a great deal about his preconceived notions. There were plenty of things he didn’t like but he was glad to have the experience.</p>
<p>My son will be out of his comfort zone given the fact that almost all secular campuses are liberal but I have no doubt he’ll have some wonderful, wonderful experiences and he understands and looks forward to that. They key to his search was to find campuses that matched his intellectual pursuits, his social pursuits, his extra curricular pursuits, but also afforded opportunities to grow as a Christian in some capacity with a strong support system already in place. Most of the schools on his list are ones that we have contacts with in the Christian community. The school in question is one we’ve known little about and have had no direct contact with; thus, there are lots of unknowns. But, I have been slowly tapping into my wide network and we’re getting more info (which has caused my son to be very excited about applying there!)</p>
<p>I hope my very longwinded answer makes sense. :-)</p>
<p>When my D was a junior in HS, we visited a small LAC (4 hours from home) in NY that had a small engineering program. We all initially fell in love with it. The campus was gorgeous, D met with a professor, met the field hockey coach, and she had it as one of her top 4 schools. H LOVED the school. This is coming from a man who attended PSU. He even put the school’s main building as his computer wallpaper.</p>
<p>D had liked a local engineering school )45 minutes from home) from the first time she went to visit. In the end, she decided that the local school had more options for her as an engineering major, and it moved to the top of the her list for several reasons. D and had to convince H that the local school was a much better fit. She told him all of her reasons for wanting to attend the engneering school. He agreed, and eventually changed his computer wallpaper.</p>
<p>We drop her her tomorrow to start her freshman year at the engineering school. We are all thrilled with her final decision.</p>
<p>DW and I are in complete agreement: we will set the budget as to what we can contribute, and we will give advice. But the decision is completely up to DD. She can go to whatever college she can afford to pay for. It’s her life, not ours, and she will have to live with the consequences, we won’t.</p>
<p>I think the most serious problems arise when one parent wants to veto a school that the student wants to apply to and that the other parent does not find objectionable.</p>
<p>We had that situation in our family. My husband disapproved of a school that was on our daughter’s list because of its big-city location. I did not share his opinion. I had visited the school with our daughter and was not horrified by the area. There could have been – and probably would have been – a big family fight over this, except that our daughter decided not to apply to the school for other reasons.</p>
<p>Have any families here faced this type of situation?</p>
<p>Every school on our kids’ list was just fine with both H and me except for one school - which was good in one kid’s intended major, but not-so-good otherwise, and I think H would have been heavy-handed and insisted that said school be treated as a back-up if all else failed, but not to choose it over any other school. Luckily we didn’t have to worry about that situation. </p>
<p>I do, however, think that it’s a lot “meaner” to tell a kid that he can’t go to a school he’s applied and been accepted to, versus to tell a kid that he can’t apply to a given school. I’m not crazy about letting a kid apply to a college a parent has a REALLY negative feeling about, and then hoping that parent will have a change of heart after kid’s acceptance.</p>
<p>H and I disagreed on the school S#1 chose to attend in back in 2006. S graduated last year, and we still disagree. It was a financial issue–S had already registered for housing at a large public U. where he had a full ride. (Good for us, since we have 6 younger kids to put through school who all won’t have the chance at a full ride). Then S got off the waiting list at a small private school with no merit aid. I protested, but H said it was “his” $, and he wanted to pay for S to go to the private school. We did make S pay 10%, but for many reasons–which I won’t go into here–it put us in a bad financial position. (No problem with the school itself, or S’s experience there.)</p>