You probably don’t want him to wear nice clothes when he does work in a chemistry lab.
I think the OP’s original question is valid - when to stop financing an education that isn’t appreciated and is being squandered. Not many of us have that kind of money to disregard.
This blows my mind. And often enough to know that he’s not going to the library! Please, please stop doing this. This would have absolutely killed my relationship with my parents had they done this to me. It’s stalking!
Sometimes a pattern of lying and passive-aggressive behavior is a response to feeling controlled. Avoidance and learned helplessness can be a response to pain.
Again- name three things he does or is that are NOT gross or embarrassing. Just three.
WOW, even with our pointing out how HARSH your words are, you still go on with them. You insist. You find more examples.
So, the probability is more posters will start to wonder what’s up with you.
The paying for C grades issue is real. Some great posters have weighed in on the base rules for their kids.
But this attack on him is so fully negative. You don’t like him? After one year in college? You think this is it and are ready to wash your hands of “da lazy bum?”
SMH.
You’re not listening.
I bet your son’s friends think he is funny (or sarcastic, same thing to a 19 year old), a caring friend, the person you go to when you are down, someone you can rely on to fix whatever problem you are dealing with.
Yes? No? Fill in the blanks.
An adult like this can become a social worker, a guidance counselor, work in Labor Relations or Employee Relations for a big company, a probation officer, an addiction specialist; work in marketing at a casino, weight loss company; work as a writer for an online gaming company.
You won’t tell us what his talents are, so I’m stabbing in the dark.
My point is that the world is not filled with uber achievers who win Pulitzer Prizes at the age of 25, or take their 4.0 GPA’s to become neurosurgeons. Yes- there are some of those people. But standing behind them are all the other people that make the world tick. Your job right now is to help your son transition to one of THOSE people, not to pine away for the fact that he’s not going to cure cancer by the time he’s 30.
Drop the negative language. It’s devastating for him, and very damaging for you as well. Wear a rubber band on your wrist and every time you think “what a lazy bum I’ve raised, soaking up all my hard earned money on an education he’s wasting” snap the band. And replace those thoughts with “what can I be doing to help my son tap into his natural gifts?”
You seriously can’t post three lovable things about your own kid? A kid who as far as we know, is not making crystal meth in your garage, driving underage girls from Mexico to be trafficked into prostitution in Chicago, or setting fires to collect the insurance money? His crime is that he likes video games, doesn’t shave, and wears rumpled clothing??? What am I missing here? Has he been convicted of a felony that you’re not telling us about which could explain your anger?
Lol @ucbalumnus, that’s what he says. Problem is, he wears them everywhere else, too!
Did he ask you to make those sacrifices? Was he even aware that you were making them? Did you (I asked this before but it wasn’t answered) make him aware that you had particular expectations he was expected to meet in college? Our kid was clear on what we expected - and didn’t expect - from her for us to keep paying for her college. It’s a different expectation to yours, but the point is she knows what it is. I’m not clear your son really does, or that he did when he entered college.
The sacrifices we have made for our kids are because we brought them into this world and we think it was on us to provide them with the best future we could. That doesn’t mean you need to fund a lifestyle or choices you don’t like, but we personally would never hold our decision to sacrifice something against the child we chose to sacrifice it for.
I keep thinking of that “homework” thread up-forum, and thinking this is the outcome when you don’t let kids mess up by themselves, earlier on, when it doesn’t matter as much and when they have time to learn the lessons.
I am actually unclear on your expectations, even after 8 pages. There is so much general dissatisfaction going on. What I think you want is a GPA of a certain level-I’m not sure if a 3.0 satisfies? Meaningful involvement in a club, but I’m not sure what club would satisfy? No more fast food-not likely, and not a hill to die on. A hair cut-trivial, again, not a hill I would die on while kid is a student but is that part of the expectation? A more pre-professional appearance-at least while in your presence. A certain amount of time at the library - again, unspecified. And frankly-these days I am not sure that kids NEED to study in a library, since most resources are available online. Anyway-clarify these things-starting with the grades. With yourself, since there seems to be just a lot of general negative feelings. And then have the conversation with him. It sounds like, he’s like the willow-he bends and doesn’t break. If I have read your posts correctly-he listens to you and then goes on his way and does as he wishes.
I think really-only on the grades do you have an upper hand. And I think if, after a frank discussion with expectations clearly laid out, he ends his sophomore year with a low 2.0 (not sure if that means he is 2.0 or under a 2.5?) then you are justified in saying you no longer want to pay for Sporty Top 50. I am not sure what the alternative would be? He comes home to live-finishes out an AA at the community college and gets a job? As a parent. I’d rather have kid finish somewhere excellent and then be off on his own at the end of four years.
I also think that maturity comes to all of us on different timelines. He’s probably not going to end up chairman of the fed, but it doesn’t mean that he won’t have an excellent life. I’m not sure he will ever make you proud. I’m not sure what his major is-I know for me, the deeper I got into my core studies the more engaged and involved I became. So I think first quarter sophomore year is early to talk about pulling the plug. I hope you get some clarity and are able to feel better about the situation.
I said it way back - I have zero empathy for OP - but I need to add that her language actually brings tears to my eyes. That poor kid.
:lol: Best line of the day.
If someone told me that, holy cow, I’d be angry. Thankfully, those anger management sessions come in handy. :lol:
I think you are saying “Why am I paying private college prices if you aren’t even trying?”
Maybe you say “If you don’t have a 2.5/3 average this semester, we would like you to start a transfer application to State U… It doesn’t seem to be the right environment for you and we don’t want to pay twice as much if you are not getting anything out of it.”
Talk to your son. Listen to your son. Don’t let this be a bolt out of the blue.
You’ve done everything you thought was right to get him to this point don’t bail now, not without giving him another chance.
“He got there because my husband and I rode him hard, lots of outside help, and we hoped he would become polished and it would internalize.”
It sounds like you propped him up, got tutors, did his organizing for him, probably strongly encouraged him to do various ECs…because you wanted him to go to a Top 50 school.
He doesn’t appear to match what a Top50 needs…You kind of artificially in a sense made him look like he did.
If you had let him done everything by himself, where would he have gone to college?
+1
[quote="bopper;c-22407831 It sounds like you propped him up, got tutors, did his organizing for him, probably strongly encouraged him to do various ECs…because you wanted him to go to a Top 50 school.
[/quote]
With all due respect, that sounds like a great many parents who use this forum. I’ve often wished I could afford tutors for my kids. How many parents on here can honestly say they left their kid to their own devices throughout high school?
@JGmom20 What is the alternative once you pull the plug and bring him home from Sporty Top 50?
Find My iPhone is a popular standard feature on all Apple products. It’s not something we conceal. Also, you do know almost every college kid shares their GPS location 24/7 on Find My Friends and Snapchat? Kids don’t care.
I guess the alternative would be believing his lies that he’s in the library, in a bunch of clubs, or with a tutor when he says he is? Then we can pretend he’s been working his tail off and the grades just aren’t happening - is that better?
^ Mom and Dad get to control him again.